The Coach Daniel Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Daniel Ratner Podcast
God Invented Marriage—Then Sat Back with Popcorn
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Imagine applying sunscreen at the beach, getting distracted by fun and conversation, then forgetting to reapply – only to end the day with a painful burn. According to relationship Coach Daniel Ratner, this exact pattern explains why so many marriages fail despite starting with genuine love and commitment.
In this revealing episode, we explore the concept of "Sunscreen Love" – the practice of continuously nurturing and protecting your relationship from emotional burns. Drawing from decades of counseling couples, Coach Ratner shares why merely having good intentions isn't enough to sustain love. He offers practical wisdom about the corrosive effect of criticism, explaining how even well-meaning "suggestions" can gradually erode the foundation of respect and appreciation in a marriage.
The discussion tackles uncomfortable truths about relationship statistics – with only about 10% of marriages achieving true emotional fulfillment – while providing practical frameworks to join that fortunate minority. From the three essential questions everyone must answer before marriage to understanding the fundamental needs that drive men and women differently, this conversation goes beyond surface-level relationship advice.
Whether you're single, dating, newly married, or celebrating decades together, this episode provides tools to elevate your relationship from merely surviving to genuinely thriving. Learn to apply and reapply the protective elements that keep love from burning out when life's distractions inevitably arise.
It's kind of scary right. And you know you might say I don't feel so close to God. I feel all this dollop so close to God and the question you have to ask yourself is who moved? Right, god didn't move. You know we're going to have a relationship. You said what we talked about in the last class, but we'll get more into today, more relationships. But who knows what the first commandment of the Ten Commandments is? I'm a shepherd. I'm a shepherd Does that sign a commandment no.
Speaker 1:So why is it a commandment? Because fully equipped he is. How do we translate the commandment? As I'm in the issue, we dig this further.
Speaker 2:I know if we are not in the issue.
Speaker 1:We did you three questions. We did you three questions.
Speaker 3:We did four. How many did we do? All three.
Speaker 1:We did about two. We did two of them, so we'll start with the commandment. I think we're just starting. I can't remember where you are, so what's the commandment? The commandment is we translate to know Hashem. Of course, you can't think of God to dinner at the Starbucks when you don't know him. How do you know Chen the?
Speaker 1:same thing like if I say you come to class for the first time, you say I say I'm Coach Ren. Ok, there's no reason not to believe me. But you don't know me. You know I could be a narcissist, I could be a fake. You have no idea. How do you know me? How do you know I'm telling the truth? How do you know I'm giving you MS in this class today? The only way to know, to tell you the truth, in my opinion, the only way to know, is to come see me when I'm not in class, see my family, come in a wrap with my dog, my children, my wife, and then, like you can't lie, those things can't lie, Am I right? They can't lie.
Speaker 1:So what the Torah is asking us to know, God, is it speaking to someone who believes in God? I mean, there's different kinds of mitzvahs. There's no mitzvah. What are the mitzvahs for? They're for us really to grow as a person, to complete ourselves as a person. There's no mitzvah to eat breakfast. There's no mitzvah to eat a piece of candy, whatever that thing is. Why? Because it's not so easy to give money away. I don't know about you, but it's not so easy. Right, Very hard. It's a muscle, In fact, as Ron Baum said, better to give away a dollar a day for 100 days than give away $100 at one time, Because when you start working that muscle, it becomes easier and easier and easier. So the myths just for us to grow. So what's the mitzvah of knowing God? Is it speaking to someone who believes in God? If you believe in God, does that mean obviously it's a mitzvah for everybody. But is it speaking to you? Probably not if you believe in God. So what? Using logic, what would you then say?
Speaker 1:Who's the mitzvah for For those that don't believe in God, where are you from? You're from here, right yeah? Where's America? Where's the city America? Where are you from, california? Where?
Speaker 2:Bay Area.
Speaker 1:Bay Area. Okay, do you have any friends who are Jewish? Friends who are Jewish? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you have any friends who are non-religious? Oh yeah, okay, give me a, andy. What's your name? Michael? Michael goes to Andy. Michael goes to Andy. Andy won't believe this. Oh my God, he won't believe this. Do you know? There's a mitzvah in the Torah that you're to know. God Andy responds what, really, I had no idea. Okay, I believe in God. Let's go learn Torah. Where's Shabbos? Where's pastures?
Speaker 2:Let's do it, baby, let me get married so I can get the laws of the end of eternity, but I'm just not writing to me.
Speaker 3:That's awesome. Does that make sense? No Of course not.
Speaker 1:So if the mitzvah is not speaking to those who believe in God and the mitzvah is not speaking to those who don't believe in God, who's the mitzvah? Who's it speaking to the ones who know?
Speaker 3:They know it already.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it's basically saying engage with me. Ok, you're close. No, it's asking those to upgrade their belief in God. I put this into three levels. The third question I must ask for you here I just want to get a little bit of God talking. We're going to Rosh Hashanah, we're speaking to God, so I made an ad. I heard Ralph Gump in this class when I first came here six years ago. I heard the class and I'm like it needs an acronym.
Speaker 2:They gotta have something right. It needs an acronym, so I came up this is Ralph and I guess Ralph Gump.
Speaker 1:The acronym is Get to yes. It's yes. There's actually a book called Get to yes. It's a business book based on negotiations how you negotiate and you you both become winners. If I have to win, you have to lose, right? The S stands for secular or simple beliefs. Believes that your race was about God. I was a conservative show growing up. I don't remember ever since talking about God. I mean, they must have could be had prayers get you minutes right that kind of thing.
Speaker 1:But I course I'm doing like if I started learning for the first time in my life. You know deeper. Torah, my reference, said to me do you know that god loves you? Like what do you mean? I go? It's not a christian idea. She goes. Where do you think they got her from? These are all everything we have in our non-jewish world comes from the jewish world. So these are the second things you raise from your parents Without thinking. You ask a typical person. You ask Andy in San Francisco Andy, do you believe in God? He's going to think you're a weirdo if you even ask that question, isn't he? Yeah?
Speaker 2:he's going to think I like.
Speaker 1:David. So just because they don't think about it, it's not even a thought in their mind that we're just born randomly. God has nothing to do with this world. Everything happens, you know, they believe in those. They don't believe in the law of entropy, which means everything happens. If you leave everything to itself, everything's gonna mess up. Which our world is a perfect world. You have the sun, the moon, the stars, everything is aligned perfectly DNA, everything. This is effective belief. The next category is the new man. Who can translate the new man? It's a Hebrew word Faith. What does faith mean? Blind belief in something without any evidence?
Speaker 1:I believe in something even though I have no evidence in it, it's fine. We do this all the time. That's not knowing God's value. Reverend Noah Weinberg, the founder of this organization, said you don't have to have what's called five-finger clarity about God. We want to upgrade our belief. I made three levels. You can say there's 30,000 levels. I mean, it's simple for us, right? This word is called idea. Idea is from the word. You guys know who to write to know, am I right? Yediyah? Yeah, yediyah. There's a difference between faith and knowledge. Let me give you an example. Let's say I write you and you guys don't know me that well, but some of you know me better. Let's say I write you a check for 20 bucks a piece. You go back home and you put on your nightstand and you go to another bank in the morning to deposit. Are you going to lose sleep that your check is going to bounce? You're going to lose sleep over it. You're going to go. Oh my gosh, that check.
Speaker 2:You're not going to think about it right.
Speaker 1:There's no reason for the check point not to bounce. It's clear You're not going to think about it. That's faith that my check is going to clear the question question and this is going to give you the answer between a moon at India. The question is would you bet your life I could have written that my future, even that I had a deposit get a little checking cap? There's lots of reasons why I check balances. I mean, no one used to check anymore. I'm saying this with them. I'm gonna sell it to you, obviously if you're in Israel, or right. I'm just saying this.
Speaker 2:Anyone have checks anymore. I used to live on checks.
Speaker 1:I used to live on checks. I remember when I first got in the money business just running because I'm a good guy at points, I was so excited to get a checkbook with my name on it Bratner, rare Point Investments. It was like the biggest thing. I won one with three, you know, a page of three, because all the big dealers have these big checks, big checks, the pages of three. They come brought a stack of checks and I was so excited to have a big check.
Speaker 3:I always had that purpose.
Speaker 1:Which is so funny, because there's no difference between a big check and'd be a big player. Just like I got the first walkie talkie at a trade show, we do this trade show, this for conventions, and I want to work for a company for a few shows, and they had to. This is before walking talking for toys. They had the Motorola, little Motorola, and they were like a thousand bucks a shot. This is back late 80s late 80s. I don't think we had cell phones yet, did we? No, we carved those. We didn't have cell phones and I thought it was cool to sing. But now, of course, we don't have all the quality to react to that I was just going to say in our prayers
Speaker 1:we use, but when we're wrapping the tefillin, what did he say? What did he say? What did he say? When we wrap the tefillin, we're saying not and we're saying Knowledge of time, knowledge of time. We want a bigger belief that. And, by the way, how does it relate to relationships? When you're getting married, god will eat your dinner, or soon. Your wife isn't going to come to you with a piece of paper and say these are my list of requirements. I need to run my bakery today. Buy me a Shadle, buy me a BMW, take me to dinner once a week, talk to me every day when you come home. She's not giving up this, this need that she has in her life. You have to know what speaks to your wife and you have no idea because I'm not telling you. No one's giving us this lesson how to connect to our wife when they emotional level. We talked last week. Let's get back to last week's class a little bit. Two weeks ago, we talked about pious.
Speaker 3:Remember what this is Physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual.
Speaker 1:Physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual Spirit you are. Did we get this? Let's skip the yes, we're not queer, we're believing God. We're going to rush to Shana. Listen, whatever belief we have this year, we want to raise it for next year and next year and next year. Obviously, women are more spiritual. I don't even know this One of the reasons why we have to wear a kippah and women don't. I have a question to ask you. If someone asked you why you wear a kippah, what do you say to them?
Speaker 3:I imagine there's something above us and we're covered in something. What did you say?
Speaker 1:There's something above us and always with us. It's a service or a reminder of that. That's what I was going to say. You know what. I would say you know what? Because sometimes I think I'm God. It's reminded that I'm not God. That's what I would say.
Speaker 3:Good, right, I thought that was good. Good right, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:But, man, we have egos, we think we run the world, we want to run the world, we want to run the world. And women are technically more spiritual. They don't have to have a problem on forgetting about the bias. So we're going to continue with the previous class about really. The third question was not before we even here, number question number one. Who's not here two weeks ago? Question number one was do I find her physically attractive? Him? If you want whatever you want, not to judge anybody, right, you thought you find her to physically attract. Number two was we share a common meaningful purpose. That took up most of the class. We share our purpose, common meaningful purpose.
Speaker 1:More than money, more than having children, more than working out, something has to be deeper and more spiritual than just this physical world, something that, beyond this world, it's either helping, charity, something else, and we talked about. I met this couple in the project who helped conservative movements, right? The third question you must ask before you get married is different for a man than a woman. The third question you must ask before you get married for a woman is no. For a man is you know what? Am I willing to make her happy the rest of her life. Am I willing to make her happy the rest of her life? Am I willing to make her happy if she gained 75 pounds 300 pounds, by the way, if she gave some pounds you're not seeing good emotional health she is like dying for emotional connection and she's eating food as a crush.
Speaker 1:People who get heavy aren't eating more than you, are not hungry than you. People who are very overweight is because it's a physical manifestation of an emotional problem. That's where it comes from. There's something going on in their life that usually when you see a wife it's getting. Really. Not all women are getting heavy, I'm being honest. Just because they have a lot of children is a typical thing for a woman to get heavy, which is fine Heavier. I won't say heavy, heavier, but when they're severely heavy it's because there's probably a lack of emotional connection from the husband, probably not paying attention to her, probably not listening to her. And men, we're not so good at this. We need to do a better job at this, connecting to them. I said earlier on the point you know, on my 20s I couldn't get a second date. I said to my best friend half my kid gets a second date.
Speaker 1:He said, stop talking just listen, because that's where a woman went. A woman went, a guy that listens to them and understands them. Actually, I have something new to give you what the hell is this no, I don't have it.
Speaker 1:This week's Torah took it and when it was, I do have it. It talked about. I don't know if I mentioned this, but in the second paragraph of Shema we say Shema utishimu. Here you shall listen. The word Shema it's the same word here and you shall listen. But I was reading in Rabbi Jonathan Sachs that he says the Jonathan Sacks, that he says the root of Shema is a key word in the book of Deuteronomy where it occurs 92 times, usually in the sense of what God wants from us in response to commandments. There's a word for commandment, which is mitzvah, but what's the word for obey? There is no Hebrew word for the word obey. There's a commandment. I command you to do this. I obey. Okay, I obey your command. There's a commandment I'm commanding you to do this I obey.
Speaker 1:Ok, I obey your command. There's no word for it. So it's 92 times and corresponds to what Different meanings? I'm going to go through this real fast Deuteronomy throughout the Torah. It's that you hear, when Abraham heard that his relative loathed and impassioned the word Shammai heard to pay attention, to understand, and the one I wanted to get over to is Naaseh B'Nishma. When the Jews are standing in front of Mount Sinai and God says I'm going to give you the Torah and they say Naaseh B'Nishma, we will do and we will understand. Shema means understand. I understand what you want, I understand what you need and we have to learn to understand what the need of our life is. So, making your wife happy. There's a famous saying. What's the famous saying? Happy wife. It is so true I say that the three, the three, certainly the life taxes death. Happy, wife happy life.
Speaker 1:If your wife's happy, you're going to be happy. That's the way things work. Now, obviously and here's a big issue this is one of the keys I say when you're dating the key to finding a spouse is really emotional, emotional dysfunction. This function travels through generations, as you know. Obviously hope to break that chain if you come from this martial family, but usually goes from generation generation unless you do something about it.
Speaker 1:And emotional health is the most important thing we want in this house. More better looking than breasts, more important than how they look, more important than money, anything else. Emotional health, because that's what keeps you tied into a relationship. Emotional health, so I would say that I don't know if you know this, but in 2021, emotional health, so I would say that I don't know if you know this, but in 2021 the CDC, the Centers for Disease Control, cannot report it to that. One of three teenage woman, teenage girls, I considered seriously considered suicide. One out of three and the the rate for boys is one out of six. Not that much. Probably Corona, maybe 2021. I don't know.
Speaker 3:That was probably based on previous years' funding.
Speaker 1:Probably, I don't know. I've done research Crazy. And if you go to any seminary, I'm sure that a large percentage of the women are on some sort of antidepressants or anything like that. It's fairly common. It doesn't mean you can't marry them that a large percentage of the women are on some sort of antidepressants or anything like that. It's fairly, fairly common. It doesn't mean you can't marry them, it just means to be aware of these things. I remember when I was dating my wife, my first date, she was looking at home and I asked her I was driving home. I said can I meet your mom Now? I wasn't religious at the time, I was 34 years old but knew consciously that if she has it kind of like you're a lot, that she has a healthy, happy, you know, mom, that more likely than that she's gonna be the same way. So I met her funny kind of mom invited me. Their mom's little dysfunctional, but she's great. She means well, my mom's emotional too.
Speaker 1:Just you know I mean like to my books, great, my mom would have loved you, right, you come over to her house, you talk to her. You have right, you come over to her house, you talk to her. You have a great accent and you eat your food properly. If you talk to her, you eat your food. She loved you. If she didn't, she hated you. That's why I work at my house.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, so, my mental health. She lived a long time and 120, soon no, I'm just kidding. She has a dysfunction, but she means really well. She had a great relationship with her husband, my father-in-law, mr Shalman Aliya, who died this past January. He basically made my wife, his wife, happy and I'm not sure a lot of people have gone through what he went through to deal with her, but he did and they had a great relationship and their kids are amazing, amazing kids and all their grandkids, my kids, are all amazing kids. Right, because she hadn't done, she invited me to Pesach, which I thought was weird, because in the from community we do the whole time, but in the second community they don't like buy people for Pesach. Right, she's just her friends and family. But she invited me. I didn't go, but did I go? I?
Speaker 2:don't.
Speaker 1:I don't think I went there yet. I think we just started dating. I might have went. I can't remember. You must not have been too vulnerable. It's funny. Did I go for a pizza? I can't remember.
Speaker 3:That's why cell phones are really crucial these days, because now you just bag the pictures Right, it's a hog. Before the hog starts, you know you take a picture.
Speaker 2:I don't think I did.
Speaker 1:I don't think I did. I don't think I did. I don't even want to talk about that, anyway, okay, so that's the third question. The third question for a man is different than for a woman, is different than a man. The third question a woman must ask before she marries a guy is do I respect him? Respect is crucial for a man, and you don't know this with your race, I'm sorry, you just don't. Maybe you do and maybe you do. Respect is crucial for us. Of course she does that also. Respect, Do you understand?
Speaker 3:what your respect is. Respect, I know respect is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, more important than love, more important than your wife respects you, than her coming out and running out and kissing you when you go to work. Which means and this is the big issue with women who are dating. I ask a girl she asked me should I marry this guy? I'm like do you respect him If they hesitate or look away? There's an issue which means if you play with my little trance in the basement and you come to work for three hours and she doesn't respect that, that's not going to work out. If you want to go to a colo and be a rabbi, if she wants you to make a lot of money, that's not going to work out. And the same thing is true the other way. If she wants a guy that learns twice a day, that just wants to make enough money to support the family, but he wants to make a lot of money, that is going to be an issue in our relationship.
Speaker 1:I in Miami who's he was? Uh, david's mom, he's the new lead out chief, a sweet guy, early 20s, dainty girl, and he just wants to, like, raise a family, a Jewish family, a kosher family, not like. He's not looking for money or anything. This sweet guy and he called me. He said David's girl, she's beautiful and she's an interior designer and she's always buying the latest purses and cars. She has to have the latest. His car leases a BMW, has a fancy purse fancy and it bothers him and we talk about it and I said just see if you can make it work.
Speaker 1:Probably a month later he took her to his parents' house for a meal to meet his parents and she walks into their house in Hollywood, florida, and she says to him this will make a nice starter home someday. I said to him Houston, we have a problem. I go, your values do not align. I go, you don't value money the way she does. She walked into your parents' house. She should say this is a very nice house and keep her mouth shut. No offense, this will make a nice starter home someday. Uh-uh, I said you have to consider this relationship, you that you have to consider, I'm telling, the breakup did break up with her and nothing do it.
Speaker 2:but I did say you have to. I just don't, I don't, I don't want to break people up.
Speaker 1:I let them do themselves. I know guys situation. A girl was. She was a fire, you know she's what it's. Just she was in seminary at Isha. She was going through the process, 24 years old, really cute, but smart as a whip like. She's really sharp, and she's telling me about her boyfriend and she's bragging about how sweet he is amazing and someday they'll get married. And I said why are you meeting with me? Because usually people meet with me without me.
Speaker 1:Now no one comes to the rabbi, but they go around on TV, you know. Come around I say, oh my brother, she was great, we're having a great relation level, they're in love, we're having a great marriage. No one does that. They only come to you when things are in problem, right. So she comes to message. So why meeting me? She says, well, he's a bit slow. What do you mean? It's just not as smart as me. And we're talking about intellectual right. It's very important for a woman to meet a man who's generally smarter.
Speaker 2:Are you.
Speaker 1:I'll give you a scenario in a second right. So she says so. I said to her well, where is it? She said she's been in Jerusalem. So I met with the guy. Let me tell you something this guy was. I mean, he is a sweetheart. He's amazing. He goes on her, he has awareness. He's amazing.
Speaker 2:But he's a little slow.
Speaker 1:So I said to her this guy's great. I mean, he's an amazing guy, you should make this work. She called me six months later. She's in Maryland. She called me crying. I said do you work? Do you respect this guy? She said no. I told her he is going to make a great husband for someone someday, just not you. She said to me can I date him for two more years until I finish college?
Speaker 2:I'm like no, you can't be this guy Boom.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's horrible.
Speaker 1:So men and women. Did I tell? You about this. I don't want to repeat something. Two guys in a bar, two women in a bar. See a guy. I didn't say that. I told you that I will, if you're good, but most of you are working, say it again, all right. So men and women see each other differently. Men look at women outside in what? No, just keep all these. Ok, yeah, men and women, it's.
Speaker 3:OK stuff, maybe I just scream yeah, I'm not going to get too towards you. It's fantastic, because I'm like, yeah, my wife definitely respects me, so that's why.
Speaker 2:I'm here, but you have work to do.
Speaker 3:We're going to get into it.
Speaker 1:Well, that I don't think any other sheba's in Israel are teaching what I'm teaching. So you have two women in a bar right and a single man and one of the girls sees a guy across the hall and she says to her that guy is hot. She says I know the whore, you know what I mean. She goes yeah, she takes this girl over to meet this guy and she gets like's tall muscles, good looking, and she starts talking to him and she realizes that when god made his intelligence, I mean she would start talking to him. And she realizes porcelain is on nobody's home, body by gold brain by teletubbies is she gonna go out with them?
Speaker 1:it's not a chance in the world right. On the other hand, I I'm a bar right. There's a friend of mine and I see this girl and she's I need to smoke, Got everything going on right. And I say to my friend, she's smoking, I know her, she works in my building. I'm like, yeah, I start talking to her. Everything's happening, she's got it all going on. And I start talking to her and I realized that when God gave her intelligence, he gave her the brain power of a cauliflower. Am I going to go out with her?
Speaker 3:Yes, I'm being honest, right, am I right, totally right.
Speaker 1:Because, I'm thinking to myself she's just pretending to be stupid because so many guys see her all the time. She just gets tired of me and she's completely stupid. I take her out for a date, love and love to rest her on her arm. Everyone's looking at me, she's hot and by the end of the date I realized I had enjoyed my time better talking to the waitress.
Speaker 1:And by the second date I'm wondering if I'm not the one who's stupid. And by the third date I have pity and relief. Relief I'm not going out with her anymore and pity for the next guy gets sucked into her beauty Did you get my point, oh been there.
Speaker 3:Been there, we've all been there. Yeah, never done that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, being sucked into bad things. The thing is, thank God. This is why it's very important we talked last time. Is it hot in here, or is it just me Hot? It's 23 degrees.
Speaker 3:Where is it Right here? He's got it. Oh God, I just said it. Huh, I just said know if that's true, maybe not. I'm not short. I think that when you're in the sun outside, it's better to be covered up. The sun's in your skin.
Speaker 1:That's my bag. Whatever I used to be, the same I used to wear the bottom. I'm on the short end of the. You know, just like you, probably, true, enough sunscreen slather on you. Then I got from short. I'm just kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Speaker 3:I don't think I have nowhere to go. I'm here for a reason.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're going to go up. Right, we're going to go. That that's it, that's it. Don't limit yourself. Don't ever say okay. So the guy who's? Uh, when I, when I, when I's from Rockville Maryland, where I'm from Rockville Maryland, and he was married to a non-Jewish woman and 2003, the Discovery Seminar came to Rockville Maryland. You guys know what the Discovery Seminar is. You ever had it? Yeah, discovery is an age program where they go through and give you evidence. I have a class on it. I haven't given it. It's my own discovery, my own proof of Torah, my manner of thought. It puts around your own ideas.
Speaker 2:That's cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's really good Anyway so I shouldn't say that, because it's a murderous. It might not be good. I'm not going to sell something, right? Anyway? So he comes to Discovery Center, mark he, and so he comes to Discovery Seminar. He's secular Jew but he's always felt very tied to Judaism. He's got four girls, not Jewish. Obviously he goes to the seminar. He literally walks out of the seminar. I want to be from, I want to be like literally wanted like to become a Jew immediately.
Speaker 1:He's one of these guys, like pithos notorios, that definitely pulls out. He went to every community. He's great, unless you're, like you know, under him or something.
Speaker 1:Anyway, he, I work with him. Anyway, he started learning Torah and he started going to shul and one Saturday, on the Saturdays, he'd go to shul and his wife, who's not Jewish, would go play softball at the JCC. One day he said to his wife the rabbi invited me for lunch, sh I go. She said yes. Now if you're a non-religious person and someone says I'm going to lunch, what is in your mind? The idea of lunch, like, how long can it be? What are you thinking about? Can I come as?
Speaker 2:well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're out here. Yeah, we're right. You know, personally, I stopped going to lunch while I was living. Ah, just tell me what you want. I don't want lunch. It's like two hours of time. The driver goes to the restaurant, the driver's back. It's like I don't want to waste my time Anyway. So you're thinking an hour, an hour and a half. So she comes back from softball around 12. She holds over at 12 o'clock and they have is going to take you back to your house. They walk back home and this particularly rabbi they still make salads, they're still preparing lunches and stuff. So she gets home at 12 30 expecting her husband to come home. You know 1, 30, maybe two, one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock, four o'clock, four. He comes with five o'clock and she is just livid, screaming at them, and she came to conclusion. She says I have a choice I'm divorcing you or I'm becoming Jewish. There's no middle ground anymore.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Very big decision.
Speaker 2:From a bunch.
Speaker 1:Well, I didn't tell the workups of the story that he was going to shul and she was getting annoyed and his rabbi said stop going to shul, stay at home. So one Saturday they went for a little hiking in Maryland and he was in the car and she was driving with hiking one Saturday morning and they drove by the shul and her heart sank Because she knew her husband really wanted to be a shul, not be hiking. So she knew deep down that this is what her husband wanted and she had either basically buying her leave. What'd she do? She bought in. She bought in. Nope, actually she divorced him, she tried to murder him. No, I'm just kidding, I'm kidding. She said to him because she was taking classes and one of the reasons that really stuck to her was when the rabbi said "'Rabbi Bishul, don't come to shul, stay at home. Because, like when you're coming into religious, you think, oh, they're doing it for the money, you're doing it for honor, like it's not really, it's not really doing the shame. Shemayim was taking a pure heaven and he said, when she heard that the rabbi said staying from school from shul, she knew it was for shemayim was for the sake of heaven, not for the relationship, not for his ego or his soul. She said to him where are we going to be? What are we going to hold by? Are we going to become modern, orthodox and go to non-kosher restaurants? Are we going to be Haredi? Are we going to go to the yeshivas? Where are we going to hold? What's our limit going to be? And he said something to her that sticks to me today. He said to her why would you ever put a limit on how great you could be? Why would you ever do that? You're not going to build a company and say you know what? I just want to sell $1.3 million a year. I'm done. Once I get to that, I'm taking off.
Speaker 1:I remember Steve Byrd, the CEO here, was giving a talk to the guys. All these guys were fundraisers, have sales. But let's say, you hit your goal in March. I raised $3 million by March. Okay, I'm taking the rest of the year off. No, you keep working.
Speaker 1:You never put a limit yourself. I you know how great you can be in life and the same thing you like. You never put a limit how great you can be in life. You have no idea. You think that you asked me seven years ago that I'm teaching a tour the day or some. May I age them in there and for hundreds of other organizations. It's crazy what I'm doing. I have to be bonkers. You't even believe I still do that. I still pinch myself. After six years, I get to walk down there and teach you guys, I pinch myself. It's unbelievable. Such a blessing. You get tired. Sometimes you walk back. I'm 60 now, not so we need to walk back. Anyway, yes For the question do I respect him?
Speaker 1:Is there like what are like little side questions that you would expect? Like gauge that for a woman? Like what? Like how are they Okay? So here's the thing.
Speaker 1:When my wife met me, she was raised in a traditional home. She kept her more of a costume, which was not meat, shellfish, not some of the meat, but they eat out and stuff and I was, I did, everything was right. So she almost she was he. Well, me, cuz I had no closure in my life. But she met me, by the way, some very important when I talk about last time vision in their head we're gonna marry, this was gonna, and you get offered a girl. That's the most I'd. You broke up.
Speaker 1:She's not my type. How do you decide this seriously. How do you know what your type is? Seriously, how do you know what your type is? Because you don't know your type until you meet your type. You have no idea what your type is. Your type might have come back when I was little. Farrah Fawcett Majors the TV show is called Charlie Gaines. She was one of the hot models in the 1970s, early 80s. Right, and everyone had this vision of because all the guys loved her a vision of like, mirroring, a Farrah Fawcett major blonde buxom look alike. And then they kept 23 years old. They need a nice blonde girl, got big bucks of it so you know, they get married and they have a horrible relationship.
Speaker 1:They have no idea what their type is. You don't know your type until you meet your time. Many consents it sense. It's very. You see pictures and pictures are. Sometimes I used to think that you have to see pictures and I think it's negative. It's almost negative. It's really funny because I've talked about it before Short guys completely get discriminated against. A woman is allowed to ask how tall you are. Do you know that? Are you allowed to ask how much she weighs you?
Speaker 1:can't do that you can't do that? Is that fair? It's not fair at all.
Speaker 3:I think you can still do it. Do it again, then you know it's the right moment to say something and answer.
Speaker 1:In an ideal world it is Huh?
Speaker 3:So in an ideal world it is, in fact, it's probably more discriminatory to to go like, say, someone against a man's height than his old ones, right, because in theory she could lose that and you can't change your height.
Speaker 1:Yeah well, actually you can. You can now surgery, yes or wear platform shoes.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, well, basically, not because, surgery.
Speaker 1:Now you can give them two inches you never saw that I'm sure it's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. You know it's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. No, it's not a good idea. I'm trying to be legal to do that.
Speaker 3:There's a South Park episode where the Jewish kid wants to be a tall black basketball player. So he gets surgery to do that, but then he doesn't realize he can't actually jump. It'll pop between his knees. Anyway, it screws us up, which was South Park. Cartoon the Seinfeld would be a very different story. I don't know if you can do it for real people. I would say it's actually more fair that they discriminate against height, because if you think about it, that's a major factor as to how your kids are going to come out.
Speaker 1:I think to a degree, but I've had girls that are 5'3" not want to date me because I'm 5'10 and not 6'4. Sure.
Speaker 3:That sounds good, yeah, but you say you know what that's cool.
Speaker 2:We shouldn't date, no yeah.
Speaker 1:What about the eating habit. Eating habits is going to affect you. You're from New York, you're not Boston. I know you are, so New York. I don't even want to talk about the skies of New York. It just reminds me of Long Island.
Speaker 3:I say FBA though, so I know.
Speaker 1:You're a Red Sox guy. Did we do sunscreen love here?
Speaker 3:yet. Okay, I'll leave this now.
Speaker 1:Sunscreen love. You touched the body I touched. I'm going to get into it now. Let me first point something. I was pushing this girl. I want to talk a little more about respect. No, was pushing this girl. I want to talk a little more respect. No, you don't know. I think you look, you don't know your type until you hit your type. So I was pushing this girl was four years old, beautiful, let's get married, and she's having a hard time.
Speaker 1:But so in my essential classes there was a guy who's coming. He was 78 years old, came for a week, stay for the month. You know that story, right, single guy and I think it guy brothers, observant, living Israel. So he came just for a week and 78, oh god, wrinkly right on. But it's good fight, walking everything he says. He said I want to meet a girl, I want to meet a girl who's growing Jewish Lee. He's not from or anything, he's from between Boulder, denver. But I wanted me, a woman's going to usually, and I would like to get married again. So he, I said to him you know, you're a nice man, they might post you my Facebook page 70 days, right, these guys die early and whatever. Let me get, look by the side of the road anyway.
Speaker 1:So I said I said to him let me post a picture of a. But I did and I got lots of requests and I found a woman for you. He's still. He's come actually to visit, I think, in October. So it'll be essential for his wife or girlfriend. I'm not going to push him whenever he comes here or not, but nice Jewish woman living in Costa Rica. So I said to this woman let me do the same thing for you. So I had lots of requests for whatever I found a guy for her Lives in Jerusalem.
Speaker 1:She lives in Jerusalem. He's like four years older. Okay, he's not great looking, but he's not fat, he's thin. And I said you know what I'm gonna do more, I'm gonna vet this guy. So I met him for coffee on Joppa Street. I'm not a matchmaker but I wanted to help this woman out because she was friends of ours. And I met the guy and he was great. He was engaging. He got me a coffee, he knew my needs, he was, he loves his job. He was in, like he was in educational technology. He worked from home and he loved his work. He loved me. He's an introvert, love working on, but he loved the job.
Speaker 1:So I said I call, I call him, I have a guy for you. And she says to me what does he do? I said he's like in it's no picture, no, nothing. I go. He's in in an. She's no picture, no, nothing. I go he's in like educational technology. And she says to me he's not for me. I'm like what are you talking about? Not for you Educational technology, that could be Google, what do you mean? She goes I want a business guy. And this is when I came up with the idea. This was last year. You don't know your type. Between you and your type, what are you talking about? You have a guy who's happy, lives in the area. Nice looking guy wants to raise that. He's also about you, but he's all he's like maybe nuts, maybe nuts. That's why I threw a chapter in you don't know your type until you meet your type. Now, what was I talking about? Oh, sunscreen, okay, sunscreen. This is like the title of my book. This is why I this is the idea.
Speaker 1:So in a relationship we discussed making the emotional connection and there are things that break that emotional connection and we're going to get to this probably not this week, we're going to get to this in four days. This is attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. This is part of sunscreen love. But before we get into this, I want wanna explain why it's called sunscreen love. So I used to go to a beach in Delaware called Dewey Beach. Anyone ever heard of this before.
Speaker 1:You know, Dewey, I've heard of it. I have a friend that lived there. I'm from Florida so I know it better.
Speaker 2:I think it's the most.
Speaker 1:No one know, dewey.
Speaker 3:I walked on it once, but that's never hopeless between actually really video.
Speaker 1:It's like a single. It's like a place where single people rent that beach house the entire summer. You love it. And so in the winter time, like there, where you go to these bars on like Wednesday night and you have to sign up night, where people have a list and they have usually four or five people join together, get a house and find a house. At the time it was like maybe 20,000 bucks for the summer for a four bedroom townhouse, just an example, right, six bedroom townhouse, whatever. And so you get 20 people to sign in, right, a thousand, I think. At the time it was like $500 a summer.
Speaker 2:The whole summer.
Speaker 1:You go whenever you want, unless you rent the house out Monday through Wednesday, friday, which we sometimes did, but generally weekends are always available and you go down and, of course, everyone brings friends. So you have to pay dues 20 bucks a night. So you have 45 people in a four bedroom house. Seriously, I just go. I get early, I find a spot between the bed and the wall, I put my blankets and toilet paper on the floor. It was great, it was fun. Obviously I'm gonna make a total of my 20s, so I go to the beach all day and I put sunscreen on Because you go to the beach all day long.
Speaker 1:It's a beach. You put sunscreen on, I go to the beach all day long and it comes back one afternoon in my beach house I'd be completely burnt.
Speaker 3:What happens? You didn't use the same sunscreen you reapplied I didn't reapply.
Speaker 1:Have you heard this? Yeah, I didn't reapply. I didn't reapply the sunscreen. Love is the exact same way. See, when I was on the beach, I was busy, I was playing in the waves, taking a walk, talking to my friends, taking a nap. I forgot to reapply. That is called romance. That is taking that love, infatuation and desire that you infatuation and desire that you have with someone and turning it into love. If you don't romance the relationship, that relationship is going to burn. Do you get my drift? People think they're walking down the aisle, we're in love and you think that love is going to last forever. Do you know why? Because when you're young 25, 30, it's easy. But the longer you're married you have children, you have hobbies, you have careers you forget a romance is a relationship.
Speaker 1:We're going to get into the four A's, but first I was raised in an Ashinazi home and my mom was critical. You guys might have parents that are critical. I don't know if you do whatever you don't have critical. Parents are critical. I don't know if you do whatever you don't critical, you don't critical parents. Do you like to be criticized, do you?
Speaker 3:like to be criticized. Do you like to be criticized In some ways, but not in a way that my mom likes to?
Speaker 1:be criticized. You get my point yeah.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Here's the problem People don't realize they're criticizing. They do it back up for a second. But I got yesterday he's getting married seven weeks good looking guy 23.
Speaker 1:He's having the army twice, just got there his girlfriend. They're giving me seven weeks and they argue sexy, he's been texting me a lot last three days. His text what Tuesday morning was how much are is considered too much arguing? I said if you have to ask a question, this is an issue. So he meets with me. He's asked an awesome question for like three days. He meets with me and he finally says to me I said to him what are you arguing? He said well, I criticized my wife. She just got out of the army a week ago. He said you need to get a job. He's bugging her about getting you a job. What are you criticizing before he goes? You're gonna make her crazy. I'm gonna stop it. Stop criticizing your girlfriend all the time about getting a job. When she's ready, she'll get a job. He's crazy about everything. He doesn't want to make a better person like you're gonna. You're gonna kill this relationship. I'm coaching a different girl.
Speaker 1:She's 38 38 years old Again not about you but a good looking girl and she wants to get married. She gave this guy a Sephardi guy. Now, if you know Sephardi guys, a lot of them are neutral not all of them, but like you know, they know stuff. Like they might rap to Phil every day but then they might drive on Friday night Like they're, they're they're right.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying they're a mix, especially guys. I think I smell like you party. Yeah, yeah, la, your la, yeah do a lot of guys from here, from la. Was that? A lot of guys are here this summer from la. Yeah do you know, so them. Yeah they were from, like La Cienega Area. Go, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're great. Cool, you gotta go you gotta go do it like come to LA, those guys need it. Oh man, they're like we don't care about money.
Speaker 1:I give my books away, he goes, just take some money Like $100 on me he took my wife and I to dinner Very nice of him. So she's dating this sorority guy and she goes to lunch with him. She's telling me this story. The bridge fell apart. She goes to lunch with him in time, and they order soup and a sandwich.
Speaker 1:And she goes she's new about tuba, so she goes to wash for the sandwich. Because when we eat bread, not just on Shabbos, on a Friday night it's a challah, but basically we eat a sandwich during the week on a Tuesday afternoon, we say that's a. We say so she has to wash two times, two times at least, for five, three and three. And she comes back and she says and she eats her sandwich. He goes and washes, doesn't say a word, comes back, eats the sandwich. No. And she says to him she's telling this to him. She says to him aren't you going to say a bracha? And he says no, I wash my hands, my hand is a bit dirty. And she says back to him you know you're persisting a bracha. He takes the soup and he pours it on her lap Just kidding my witness my witness.
Speaker 1:I said to her don't you realize you're criticizing him? She goes I wasn't criticizing him. I said from your perspective. You're not criticizing him. From his perspective. He's being criticized and no man or woman likes to be criticized. She says I was just trying to make him into a better man. See my issue In criticizing, we don't know who criticize. Every time you criticize your spouse, you're wiping the sunscreen off, and every time you compliment your spouse, either through attention, affection, appreciation, awareness you're putting sunscreen on keeping their relationship from burning. Do you get the analogy? Now, I've been on a lot of things. I see the old Jewish couple get on and she says nag at the guy, nag at the guy, nag at the guy. Do they have a passionate relationship? Are they married? Yes, do they have a passionate relationship? No, technically married. Like I said before, we talked about this last week. In case you didn't hear this, I'm repeating this, sorry. You take 100 marriages in the world today, not in the food world, in the regular world. How do they get divorced?
Speaker 3:What were they?
Speaker 1:50%. So we take 50 marriages and we throw them out the window. You know you have 50 managers left. How many of them do you think are impassionate? Loving, happy relationships, 10, 5, 10 means you basically have one attention. You're walking down the aisle. I said again you're in love and you think that loves you last forever. You go one intention. I'm sorry to scare you. No, I'm not sorry, this girl, I'm trying to scare you. I'm trying to scare you to learn what it takes to be in a loving relationship, because no one's teaching this stuff yes.
Speaker 1:How would you grow without criticizing? Ok, exactly, a marriage can handle some criticism. A good marriage can handle some criticism. But remember, when you criticize, it's like a shirt and you pull a piece of thread on my shirt and there's lots of threads in this shirt. Right, you keep criticizing, I stole my shirt, but after 10, 15 years of criticizing, there's no shirt left and there's no love relationship. I'm gonna say something. Let me give you an example and we'll go back on this. I was coming from when I started this class.
Speaker 1:Okay, I don't know if you guys like this if you ever want something else, just just tell me. I have lots of material.
Speaker 3:You're going to type in some notes. I have plenty of material.
Speaker 1:I'll just give you a book. I'll just give you the book. Yeah, OK.
Speaker 2:Let's do that. I forgot the other one.
Speaker 1:It's the blue sunscreen love. It's in the other lab. Check it out. Yeah, great, I have a new version, but don't take that one. The blue version, like the first copy, puts mistakes in it, minor mistakes, nothing big, you know, like whatever. What A typo or terrible advice.
Speaker 3:Huh, what'd you say? What kind of mistake? Yes, it's a typo or terrible advice mistake.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no, small and minor, you might not even notice. You know, like in one of my books somehow like two extra lines got in and like it's a bridge to break and bundle the paragraph and there might be something where I should have small first edition and if I still must take some new ones, like it's almost possible that any miss, it's so hard. You know, I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 3:Even with I, yeah, it's still hard we were saying you marriage, man criticism, but oh yeah, lunch, thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, thanks for keeping on track. I got I go off topic sometimes. Don't worry, it's an AED, move crazy, it's like you know. You know, yeah, we know our own. They call it AEDs. Hey, donuts, okay, it's your loss in times of, so, uh, good marriage, but I'm a sucker.
Speaker 1:I come home Saturday morning from school, I think. Typically I come home at 10.30 in the morning after Kiddush, and I go home I have a hot plate of, and I come home, I take the food, I put it on the hot plate and by 12.30, we have hot lunch in the house for Shabbos. I came home late one day I was talking about I don't know what happened 11.30. My expectations were that I walked into the house. My wife stays home from shul. She stays home right, so you know this. My expectations were that my wife would have recognized that I'm late and she would have taken the food out of the refrigerator and put it on the hot plate. But my expectations did not meet the reality. I walked in no food on the hot plate. What's my reaction, Woman? What the heck? What's my reaction, woman? What the heck, right? I wanted to say. Why did you put the food in the hot plate Right, am I right? Should I have said something? No, you're married, you don't count. Should I have said something?
Speaker 2:Of course.
Speaker 1:Go ahead. I'd say you could say suggestion, I wouldn't criticize it.
Speaker 3:Suggestions, criticisms.
Speaker 1:Thank God. Thank God, I'm teaching all the time now Because I think I might have said to myself Daniel, because that's my name. I said you know, no matter how I package this, no matter how sweet I say it, no matter how I do it, it's going to come across as either attacking her or criticism. Why? Because it's in the moment. Because it's right then that it had to be done, right. Nothing can change what's already done. Nothing can change what's already done.
Speaker 1:So I thought to myself I'm going off on a tangent, but it's so true. I thought to myself am I going to get into a tiff with my wife because of some hot chicken and rice? Seriously, that's what it's about. It's about hot chicken and rice. What's more important, hot chicken and rice or marriage?
Speaker 3:Seriously, what is it Depends on the rice.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I'm not even going to attack you, dale, no, seriously. But can't you still bring it up in a way like oh, hey, honey, I clearly like I forgot I always come on time to have a good bunch, right, whatever?
Speaker 2:it is.
Speaker 1:Next time, if you see I don't come home on time, do you think maybe you can put it on the plot top?
Speaker 2:Close close close.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing you can't do that. Nope, you can't do that. So I said, daniel, don't say anything. I feel like complaining about food not being warm enough is kind of a feminine characteristic.
Speaker 3:It's anything, though it could be anything. That's just one example. This is just a simple example. It's happening, it's a true story I'm telling you the truth.
Speaker 2:So I said don't say anything.
Speaker 1:I went and I, while I'm asleep, I write some dead reading. Speaking of writing, I have a killer book coming out. I mean, gosh, it's so good. Two book, I mean it's unbelievable. It's called Emotional Vampires how to Protect your Happiness from People who Suck your Shry. It's so good. I sent a cover of the picture of the cover today.
Speaker 2:This is the first version.
Speaker 1:This is the first version. It's going to change a little bit, but it's really cool.
Speaker 3:I'm getting off topic, great, so let's see the cover. It looks good. Sorry about the body. I have to wait for you. Where are you sitting Right here?
Speaker 1:Here's the first version of it. Pretty cool, isn't it? The broken window. It's pretty cool, isn't it? It's a broken window. It's like a New York Times bestseller. It's the cover. It's so funny. I told the guys, we should put on the front of it almost a New York Times bestseller, or soon to be a New York Times bestseller.
Speaker 2:It's actually really nice.
Speaker 3:It looks like a comic. It's like a movie. Future New York Times bestseller.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's not a big deal. It's really good yeah yeah, yeah, the book's.
Speaker 1:I'm very happy with it, anyway. So what were we talking about? Oh, three days, three days later. So afterwards I said to my wife and that was the day, honey, by the way, if I happen to come home late from a show in the future, would you mind putting the food in the hot plate? No issue, no criticism. Wow, no, no criticism, no nothing. Because it happened at a different time, when we were in bed together. Perfect, but we did a tip in the relationship. Why does it matter so much?
Speaker 2:I understand it makes so much sense. What is it about?
Speaker 1:Here's the thing In most relationships when things fall apart is when you're emotional, and when you're emotional like I was when we had hot food nothing good happens. Nothing good happens when you're emotional. This is why I have a chapter in the book called the 24-Hour Rule.
Speaker 3:It's not halacha.
Speaker 1:It's a suggestion, which means when you want to argue with your wife about something, you need to wait. And there's an idea that you should never go to bed angry False, you need to wait. And there's an idea that you should never go to bed angry False. Better to wait, talk about something than you have to go to sleep over it. And generally you're going to tell me well, why would I wait 24 hours to talk to my wife? Because I'm going to forget what I was mad about At the point. 99% of issues in relationships are about stupid little things. I'm not saying there's not time to you like. I've had issues with religious school things. Those husband wants to go to a you know, a crazy school. No, white ones go to some secular school. That's a major issue, right, that's a value issue. That should have happened before you got married. By the way, you discuss that we're schools you want your kids to go to before you get married.
Speaker 3:That's not something that we have to have kids right, my right, yeah, a lot of marriages, and not because of what, what major, but because of a thousand cuts.
Speaker 1:It's the little things that happen on a daily basis that keeps the relationship strong, or the opposite. It's great having you in class today because you're married. I love it when I have older people in my class. I'm the girder, can I call that?
Speaker 3:respect, I'm the husband I'm going to get very respectful.
Speaker 1:Hold on to the question. I'm thinking of my thought. I'm going to do that. Men are very easy. I teach this with women. I teach this in seminary. Girls I go. Men are very easy. We need three things in a relationship we need food, we need sex and we need respect. And everything else is a bonus. Am I right? And every guy who's 55 years old thinking about them for all my life? That's why I love people. They know what talking about and you guys don't know because you think it would be love. You don't need love. You would be respected and when you get criticized it comes across as being disrespected and when she gets criticized, it comes across as being unvalidated. Did you get my point? I'm going to end with this one note get a question? Yeah, a question. Yeah. Has your wife heard of this class? She's heard me speak. I speak all the time we have. We just have I speak. Who is she with scotch and sushi in my house? In other words, does she know that you're?
Speaker 3:criticizing her Scotch and sushi.
Speaker 1:Who's at my house with scotch and sushi Me Because I talk?
Speaker 3:the house Is this a regular thing, or is it?
Speaker 2:I've never seen a result one time.
Speaker 3:That sounds amazing.
Speaker 1:I did it in July. I'll probably have no one at my house in November. The whole shoot I'll choose from the back. It was nice, it was fun it was fun right.
Speaker 2:I was putting you out where you guys stayed for an extra hour.
Speaker 3:I put you out of the house at 10.15.
Speaker 2:It's all fine, it's fine, I didn't know that we left.
Speaker 1:I never get to give my speech, but I still haven't given my speech yet. This is my Charlie Harari speech of Tony Robbins. Unleash the Greatness Inside of Me. It's a very good talk. I never get into it. I have so much stuff to say.
Speaker 2:Anyway, my point is compliment, don't criticize.
Speaker 1:When you compliment your spouse, you're pretty on sunscreen. You criticize and wiping it sunscreen off and you're allowing the relationship to burn. I have a lot of raps and songs in my head and I'm gonna give you the last one, one of this compliment, don't criticize. Compliment, don't criticize. Compliment, don't criticize or she'll poke me in the eye. Compliment, don't criticize or she'll find another guy. Compliment, don't criticize or she'll poke. Also girls the guys compliment them, yes, but then I'll say bye, bye, bye. Couple of them criticize get your love. This door and fly. You understand sunscreen love. You understand that when you criticize yourself, you're wiping the sunscreen off, allowing to burn. When you compliment, you're putting something on building the love in a relationship.
Speaker 3:Here's the question I ask you how do you get through when you're in that moment and you're like and all you want to do is criticize.
Speaker 2:Of course.
Speaker 1:How do you stop?
Speaker 3:yourself and then channel that into something else.
Speaker 1:You have to take practice and you can practice, just like you can practice being patient, you can practice being kind. You can practice judging other people good, you can practice keeping closure. You practice everything in life takes an effort, just like raising closure. You practice. Everything in life takes an effort, just like raising children. You want to raise a great children. It takes an effort. The more effort you put in, the better children you're gonna have. And I see people. I was at a noise good day at a dinner and it was a crazy guy. He had this baby carriage and he's in the men's section. We're eating dinner and the baby's crying, crying to be held. I go shh, shh, whatever. And you're being lazy, just doing this. It bothers me. It takes an effort and it takes an effort to not criticize your spouse and it takes an effort to train yourself not to argue and yell and scream.
Speaker 1:When you have anger in a relationship that is like a vote of the Lord, it's like idol worship, because you're saying, god, you made a mistake, the world's not working the way I want it to, and God doesn't make mistakes. On that note, we'll come back, we'll get into the four A's next week We'll get into the classes. Thank you very much.