The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Your Ears Are the Gateway to Their Heart-Sunscreen Love Audiobook
Let me know your thoughts about the podcast. Thank you for listening!
Forget everything you thought you knew about dating. While we often focus on what to say and how to present ourselves, the real secret to building meaningful connections lies in something far more fundamental: listening.
The distinction between hearing and listening becomes crystal clear when you understand that one is passive while the other requires active engagement. For men especially, this means fighting the natural urge to solve problems and instead offering validation when partners share their concerns.
Most importantly, we offer practical strategies for becoming a better listener, including the power of restating what you've heard, speaking sincerely from the heart, and recognizing when timing matters. These skills aren't just useful for dating—they're the foundation of all meaningful human connections.
Want to transform your relationships through the simple yet profound act of listening? This episode provides the roadmap. Share your own listening challenges or victories with us and discover how small changes in how you communicate can lead to dramatically deeper connections.
This is what I consider the most exhilarating stage of any relationship. You've made it through the first few dates and hopefully you're still feeling that exciting rush of attraction that started in the crush phase. The initial awkwardness and first date bias are behind you and the tension of the early encounters has melted away. Now comes the moment where you decide whether to take the relationship to the next level. At this point the phases of love begin to overlap. You may still be riding the wave of the initial crush, but simultaneously you're starting to gather more insight into who this person truly is. It's the perfect blend of excitement and curiosity, where everything feels fresh, but you're also getting serious about where things might go. The best part it's lucky. It's still early enough that any deep-seated issues or skeletons in the closet haven't emerged. Don't worry, those surface in due time. For now, enjoy the stage where the possibilities are endless and the excitement is palpable.
Speaker 1:Learning to listen In my early 20s I had lots of first aches but struggled to get second aches. Then a friend gave me some invaluable advice Stop talking and just listen. It couldn't have been more right. I hadn't realized just how much I was dominating the conversation until I finally stopped talking and listened instead.
Speaker 1:The strength of any relationship is rooted in how well you listen. When people talk about if they are dating, they often say I'm seeing someone, but the truth is they should be saying I'm listening to someone. After all, once you've seen a person, what's left to see again? A different colored suit or dress? Physical appearances are fleeting and become familiar quickly, but listening truly listening opens the door to endless discovery. You can see someone once and know what they look like, but you can listen to someone for a lifetime and still learn something new every time. Listening is what makes you part of a relationship. It's remarkable that there are classes for public speaking everywhere, yet you rarely, if ever, hear of classes teaching public listening. If any exist, they're certainly not widespread. Marriage books often emphasize communication as the key to a successful relationship, but if you aren't genuinely listening to your partner, no amount of speaking will improve the communication. True listening means deeply absorbing what someone is sharing, understanding it to the point where you can reflect it back with clarity and empathy. It's about being fully present and engaged, and that's what transforms a simple conversation into a meaningful relationship.
Speaker 1:Listening is the key to capturing someone's heart. Interestingly, the word heart has ear, right in the middle of it. When someone listens to you with their ears, they are in a sense, holding you at the center of their heart. When you truly listen to your partner, you're making them the vocal point of your world. It's not about hearing their words, but about fully engaging with what they're sharing. Think about the times you've been in an argument While the other person was talking. You were probably crafting a response in your mind. In moments like that, you're hearing, but not really listening. Hearing is passive it goes in one ear and out the other. Listening, however, is active. It's about focusing, processing and deeply understanding what the other person is trying to convey. An interesting observation the word listen contains the same letters as silent.
Speaker 1:To truly listen, you must quiet your mind, stop formulating responses and be fully present. It requires your complete attention and undivided and patient. For men especially, this can be a challenge. Men are natural problem solvers and often, when their wives share something, they instinctively want to fix it. But sometimes women don't want a solution. They just want someone to listen to them. Men must learn to listen to their partners without interrupting or immediately offering advice. This principle applies to any relationship, but it's especially important with your spouse and dating is the perfect time to start practicing this essential skill. Listening doesn't always come naturally, but like anything, the more you practice, the better you'll get, and the better you'll become at truly listening, the deeper and more meaningful your relationship will grow.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, one person is just looking for validation that their feelings are correct and that it's okay to feel the way they do. Validation means you understand the way they feel and you accept them for that, even if your reality is different from theirs. More important than trying to fix things for someone is to just to be there and listen and validate that their feelings are okay. When a woman's feelings are validated, they feel validated. Listening isn't just about hearing words. It's about fully processing and understanding what's being said. A great indicator of successful listening is your ability to accurately repeat what was said. The best courtroom attorneys excel because they can first articulate their opponent's argument, showing the judge or jury that they understand both sides before presenting their own case. Similarly, if you restate your spouse's or partner's perspective in any discussion or disagreement, it demonstrates a genuine effort to understand their point of view. Clarifying their position aloud not only confirms that you've listened, but also ensures that you're fully grasping their perspective, that you've listened, but also ensures and you're fully grasping their perspective. To truly connect, you must step into your partner's shoes and see things from their vantage point, understanding what they hold their opinions.
Speaker 1:Even if you don't agree, there will inevitably be times when your spouse or partner may not seem to listen. This doesn't mean they won't ever hear you. It just might require someone else to relay the message in a way that resonates. People often need to hear advice or opinions from a different source, perhaps a friend or a colleague, to absorb it fully. Take a simple example you might suggest trying a new restaurant that you've heard great things about, but your partner isn't interested. Later, if they hear the same recommendation from a friend, they might suddenly be more eager to go. Why? Because hearing it from someone else can give the suggestion more weight. Sometimes we are so close to someone that they may not immediately recognize the value in what we're saying.
Speaker 1:Finally, when communicating with someone, it's important to be direct and to the point. This applies not just to intimate relationships, but to all conversations. People have limited attention spans and if you meander, the essence of what you wanted to convey can be lost. Get straight to the point and your message will have a greater impact. This also includes writing emails. Often, a single, well-crafted sentence is all it takes to convey your message. Clear, concise communication helps ensure your partner understands you fully, leaving less room for misunderstandings.
Speaker 1:Whenever I get home from my work, my wife needs to talk to me about her day, while I just want to grab a drink and relax. I have very little interest in talking, but I will sit and listen to her anyway because I know it's how she connects with me. When it comes to dating, men should often take a step back and let the woman guide the conversation. If a man dominates the discussion, he can come off as arrogant or insecure. On the other hand, if he listens more, he'll likely be seen as a good listener and she'll enjoy their time together. Of course, there are exceptions. If a woman is particularly quiet, a man who can lead the conversation will be appreciated. But generally speaking, allowing the woman to talk more is a winning approach.
Speaker 1:Here are five tips for helping your partner or anyone truly listen to you. Number one if you want other people to listen to you, they have to know that you listen to them. No one cares how much you know unless they know how much you care. Number two no one will listen to you if you are a hypocrite. Your words must be backed up by action. Number three your words should be sincere and come from your heart. Words that come from the heart enter the heart. Number four speak for their benefit, not yours. People are more likely to listen when they feel you're speaking with their best interests in mind. Avoid saying things just to advance your own agenda. Number five timing is everything. Not everything needs to be said immediately. Wait for the opportune time. Knowing that your partner always listens to you and understands what you're saying is a powerful tool for creating a powerful relationship. Listening properly is a big step to help a couple get to the commitment phase of a relationship. This is Coach Ratner at the Coach Ratner Podcast. Thanks for listening.