The Three-Date Rule: Giving Love a Fair Chance-SunScreen Love Audiobook

Struggling with dating? You're not alone. Most of us have experienced that overwhelming nervousness on first dates—the kind that makes men order plain lettuce salads (no dressing!) just to avoid potential embarrassment. But what if our snap judgments are causing us to miss out on incredible connections?

The Three-Date Rule provides a practical framework for more successful dating. Unless there are obvious red flags (they live in a treehouse, talk endlessly about their mother, or laugh like a hyena), commit to three dates before deciding whether to pursue a relationship. This approach acknowledges a fundamental truth: it's nearly impossible to truly know someone after just one meeting.

Science backs this up. Malcolm Gladwell's book "Blink" illustrates how visual bias influenced orchestra hiring practices until screens were introduced during auditions. Similarly, our dating decisions are heavily influenced by appearance rather than substance. The stronger your emotional and intellectual connection with someone, the more physically attractive they become to you over time. As Coach Ratner wisely notes, "For every gorgeous person out there, there's someone who's sick of them." When you follow the Three-Date Rule, you give yourself permission to discover the vibrant personality that might be hiding behind first-date nerves.

Ready to transform your dating experience? Start applying the Three-Date Rule today. Subscribe to the Coach Ratner Podcast for more relationship wisdom that cuts through the noise of modern dating advice.

Chapters

• 0:01 The Three-Date Rule Explained
• 0:23 Why Three Dates Matter
• 0:56 First Date Nervousness
• 1:22 First Date Bias
• 2:10 Personality Enhances Attractiveness
• 4:33 Episode Closing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

The three-date rule. The three-date rule means that you should date someone at least three times, unless there are obvious signs that they are one and done, such as they live in a treehouse, they talk incessantly about their mother, they laugh like a hyena. Okay, maybe those aren't all the reasons you should not date someone again, but it's a good start. Why the three-date rule? Dating can be awkward and it's often challenging to truly get to know someone on the first date. If there are no glaring red flags, it's wise to give it another shot. Three dates provide a reasonable time frame to move past initial nervousness and form a deeper connection. Knowing you'll give a potential partner at least three chances can alleviate the pressure of the first date. There's also a phenomenon called first date bias, which suggests that the more attractive someone is, the higher likelihood of a second date. As a man, I can admit that many of us feel incredibly nervous when dating. While I can't speak for women, I've heard that they often share similar feelings. The prospect of dating can evoke fear, sometimes even more than a visit to the dentist. Why? Because many men can feel intimidated by very attractive women. When I was dating, I was so nervous that it affected what I would order at a restaurant. Spilling food on myself was always a possibility, and wearing a bib would probably not get me a second date. So forget about pasta. Invariably the sauce would end up on my shirt. I would always play it safe as possible and only order a salad with plain lettuce, no dressing. That's because carrots can give you gas, avocado may smear all over your sleeve and the tomatoes can get stuck in your teeth. So if this is the way I acted on my first date, doesn't it seem obvious that you really won't get to know me on one date? You might not immediately fall in love on the first date, but you are influenced by their appearance, whether you realize it or not, because of our natural bias towards appearance. The more physically attracted we are on the date, the more likely that we will pursue the relationship. Since it's difficult to connect emotionally on the first date, we rely on what we see. In order to connect with someone emotionally and intellectually, you should date someone at least three times so you have a chance to get to know them. Scientific evidence supports this notion. In Malcolm Gladwell's best-selling book Blink, he discusses how, prior to the 1980s, orchestras predominantly hired male musicians. This led to a widespread belief that men were inherently better musicians. However, once screens were introduced during auditions allowing judges to hear rather than see the musicians, more women began to be hired. This highlighted how decision makers were influenced by visual biases, something that also rings true in dating. In fact, if we wanted the best chance of finding a suitable partner, we might consider meeting for the first time behind the screen. This setup would eliminate physical bias, allowing us to focus on emotional and intellectual connections.

Speaker 1: 3:09

Imagine spending an evening together without seeing one another. By the end, you would know if there was a genuine connection without the bias of physical appearance. You may have experienced a similar experience at a friend's wedding. Meeting their future spouse for the first time and doing a double take of their appearance, you might wonder how your attractive friend ended up with someone who looks like Freddy Krueger or Miss Piggy. The reason they are marrying them is you don't know them like your friend does.

Speaker 1: 3:36

The stronger the emotional and intellectual connection, the more attractive that person becomes to you. This underscores the importance of sticking to the three-date rule. Don't miss out on an incredible person just because of initial perceptions. The more you get to know someone you like, the better looking they become. Conversely, the more you learn about someone you dislike, the less attractive they are to you. For every gorgeous person out there, there's someone who's sick of them. So if you find someone marginally attractive on the first date, remember that giving them a bit more time could reveal an amazing personality underneath. A vibrant personality can enhance attractiveness significantly and you may miss out on a fantastic person due to your first date bias. Following the three-day rule will help you to get over this first date bias. Unless they laugh like a hyena, just remember, for every gorgeous woman or handsome guy walking down the street, there is probably someone who is sick of them. This is Coach Radner at the Coach Radner Podcast.