The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Sunscreen Love Audiobook-Clarify Why You Are Dating
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This episode dives deep into the crucial question we often forget to ask ourselves: Why are we dating in the first place?
Dating without purpose leads countless people into relationship limbo. When physical attraction drives our decisions, emotions overpower intellect, making it nearly impossible to evaluate compatibility objectively. Coach Ratner examines why so many couples date for years without commitment, stuck in comfortable arrangements that never reach the "never leaving" milestone.
Having a trusted dating coach provides invaluable perspective when infatuation blinds us to red flags. Remember, love isn't blind—infatuation is. Approaching dating with clear intentions dramatically increases your chances of finding someone truly compatible. If marriage is your goal, only pursue exclusive relationships with partners who genuinely have that potential. Your future happiness depends on it. Ready to transform how you approach dating?
Clarify why you are dating. In a small town, a woman was preparing to marry at the age of 90. A local newspaper reporter visited her home to cover the story. When he asked her about her future husband, she revealed that he was the town's funeral director. She then shared that she had been married three times before, first to a Wall Street investment banker in her 20s, then to a Broadway show banker in her 20s, then to a Broadway show producer in her 30s, and later to a priest in her late 70s. Now, at 90, she was set to marry a funeral director. Curiously, the reporter asked her why she had chosen such a diverse array of men as husbands. With a twinkle in her eye, she replied I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.
Speaker 1:This whimsical story highlights a crucial point when seeking love, you must clarify why you are dating. Are you merely seeking physical pleasure? If that's the case, dating is easy, since your only requirement will be finding someone who can satisfy that desire. However, be cautious. Entering into a physical relationship for fun can quickly escalate, leading to confusion between infatuation and love. This ambiguity can make it difficult to make sound decisions about the relationship. While it is possible for casual dating to lead to a successful relationship, it is just that the odds are way out of your favor to get to the phase of never leaving. Once your emotions take over, your intellect goes straight out the window. Engaging in physical intimacy clouds your judgment and heightens emotions, increasing the likelihood of regrettable decisions. If you are dating for the purpose of getting married, you are pretty certain of what you are looking for. Ask yourself is your date truly marriage material Dating becomes serious when you are dating with marriage in mind. You should have a pretty solid conviction of the qualities you are seeking and the values that matter to you. Unfortunately, without a clear vision of what you want, you are more likely to settle and compromise on your values. I have encountered numerous couples who date for years without the willingness to commit to marriage. Wouldn't you think that dating for more than a few months should be enough time to see if you're compatible? What are people waiting for? Why would anyone remain in a relationship indefinitely without a commitment? Often, people linger in relationships due to physicality or a lack of clarity regarding their dating goals.
Speaker 1:This approach can create a false sense of comfort, which is not conducive to building a passionate marriage. While it may not be a practical and ideal way to date or evaluate a potential partner, it would be to interview them behind a curtain, completely removing the physical aspect from the equation. By doing this, your decision would be based entirely on emotional connection and meaningful conversation, rather than being influenced by their appearance. This approach would allow you to focus on the deeper compatibility that truly sustains long-term relationships. In certain religious communities, potential dates were often thoroughly vetted in advance, typically by the parents. No-transcript. They check references and ensure that both sides are aligned on core values and life goals. Only after both families approve does a couple go on a date. This takes a lot of work, but isn't it worth it. This is the biggest decision that anyone makes in their life. How you choose is the difference between never leaving and just being another failed marriage statistic and just being another failed marriage statistic.
Speaker 1:Another strategy to evaluate compatibility is to consult a dating coach or someone who can play that role. This person can help you identify both the merits and potential pitfalls of the budding relationship. Ideally, your coach should know you well and be willing to offer honest feedback rather than simply telling you what you want to hear. You don't need a yes person, but you require someone who will challenge you with the truth, even if it's difficult to accept. This individual might be a colleague, a relative or even a trusted parent. The primary goal of a dating coach is to help you avoid significant mistakes in your research for a meaningful relationship. You may have already fallen in love with someone who isn't the right fit for you, which is why trusting your dating coach's opinion is crucial. It's equally important to be willing to truly listen to their advice, especially because love can blind us to red flags. Your coach, unlike you, isn't emotionally invested in a relationship. Their perspective is grounded in logic and objectivity, with only your best interests at heart. This detachment allows them to see the relationship clearly and provide guidance that you may overlook. A case study A former student of mine once called me from overseas seeking advice about a guy she was dating.
Speaker 1:She admired that he was going a go-getter and nearly finished with dental school, but then came the dreaded. But she explained that he was a go-getter and nearly finished with dental school. But then came the dreaded. But she explained that he was so busy with the studies that he barely had time to talk to her. She made excuses for him, blaming his hectic schedule and upcoming finals. Then she mentioned that he sometimes drove recklessly, scaring her and occasionally cursed at other drivers. Although she told him she didn't appreciate this behavior, he continued doing it. Again. She excused it, saying he was under a lot of stress. When I asked how many dates they'd been on, she said five. I pointed out that if she was already making so many excuses for him while they were dating, when most people are on their best behavior, what might that say about his behavior in a long-term marriage? She struggled to see these as red flags because she was so focused on his positive qualities. She kept justifying his actions, trying to keep the relationship alive. After our conversation gave her some clarity, she decided to end the relationship, recognizing it wasn't the healthy foundation she deserved.
Speaker 1:It's often said that love is blind. Love is not blind. Infatuation will make you blind. If a person is infatuated, they may not see any flaws in the person they are dating, but the guidance of a wise friend or coach can provide clarity. Think of it like renovating your kitchen. When you ask a friend for their opinion, are you really asking for their perspective? Probably not. You're seeking validation rather than genuine feedback. You want them to say I love it. If you really wanted their opinion, you would have asked them before the renovation. When you ask for someone's opinion on the person you are dating, don't look for validation. Seek the truth. What are the odds that you will meet the love of your life randomly in a bar? It does happen, but those odds are low.
Speaker 1:In a typical scenario, you meet someone either through a social event, a dating app or maybe on a blind date, and then engage in one of the first two phases of love.
Speaker 1:After a month or two of the research phase, you begin to figure out if it's still worth investing in the relationship or not, in the relationship or not. However, if physical intimacy enters the picture, it can complicate the relationship, making it hard to walk away, often out of fear or loneliness. Some may even seek new partners while still involved with someone else, jumping ship as soon as they find a replacement. While this approach can lead to a new relationship, achieving the never-leaving milestone requires a more deliberate effort. If you begin the dating process with clarity on what your purpose for dating is, you will be less likely to be caught in a relationship that, deep down, you really don't want to begin If you really want to get married, be clear about it and tell yourself that you will not continue with any exclusive dating unless you feel that the person you are dating has a potential for marriage. This is Coach Radner of the Coach Radner Podcast.