The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Sunscreen Love Audiobook : The Intro to Breaking Down the Journey to Lasting Romance.
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What if finding lasting love isn't about luck or fate, but rather a systematic journey through four distinct phases? Sunscreen Love reveals the framework that can transform your relationship destiny and dramatically increase your chances of creating a passionate connection that endures a lifetime.
The statistics are sobering. With divorce rates hovering around 50-60% and many intact marriages lacking true happiness, your chances of finding fulfilling, lasting love sit at a disheartening 25%. But these odds aren't your destiny—they simply reflect a widespread misunderstanding of how love develops and thrives.
We explore the four crucial phases that build the foundation for extraordinary love: The Crush Phase (the necessary spark of attraction), The Research Phase (the thrilling exploration of compatibility), The Commitment Phase (the formal beginning, not the end), and finally, The Never Leaving Phase—where your partner becomes the central consideration in all your decisions with an unwavering dedication that transcends the typical fluctuations of feeling "committed until you're not."
Most relationships fail not because the people involved are fundamentally incompatible, but because they don't understand this progression. They mistake infatuation for deep love, view marriage as the finish line rather than the starting point, or become victims of the paradox of choice—where endless dating options leave us perpetually dissatisfied, always wondering if someone better might be just one swipe away.
Ready to beat the sobering odds and create the relationship you've always dreamed of? Listen now to discover how understanding these phases can transform your approach to love and relationships. Your journey to extraordinary, lasting connection starts here.
Welcome to my latest book, sunscreen Love the four phases to find the love you want. In the morning I found her sleeping on my front porch. A few hours later I was on the phone with the county police trying to prevent a tragic suicide attempt on the side of the highway. This came after days of her relentless calls. Every 30 seconds, day after day, every 30 seconds, day after day. She used my hidey key to let herself into my house, rumbled through my home office and wrote a $20,000 check to herself from my checkbook. She left it on my desk, almost as if she wanted me to find it. I don't think she ever intended to steal the money. The check was just her way of telling me that she was unraveling mentally, and that might be putting it mildly. I hesitantly walked into my bedroom, have expected to find a severed horse's head on my pillow.
Speaker 1:This is what happens when you can't define love. The breakup came after just months of dating. I knew I was a good catch, but not one worth dying for. I know what it feels like to be dumped. It's a constant gnawing ache in your gut and the only remedy is time. Emotions aren't something you can quantify or display for others to understand. They're internal and only you truly know how deeply the pain hurts. You can't pass that feeling on to someone else. That's why there's no such thing as an easy breakup. However, the pain of a divorce will be exponentially worse than any short-lived relationship. When the relationship does not go as you had dreamed, it feels like the world is crumbling around you. At our core, we all strive for the same thing, whether we're fully aware of it or it's buried deep within us a loving, passionate relationship that lasts a lifetime. I genuinely believe that everyone reading this book or hearing this book has a real chance to achieve that, but the truth is only a few will reach that point. It takes mental discipline, the ability to control your emotions and the willingness to be vulnerable and let someone into your heart. Being in love means two people opening up to one another, sharing their thoughts and feelings and, more importantly, being emotionally open for each other.
Speaker 1:When we're young, love isn't something we think about much, but by our late teens, the idea of dating starts to become a reality. Have you ever heard of anyone taking a class on dating and marriage before diving in? Probably not. Most people approach it through trial and error, hoping for the best? Probably not. Most people approach it through trial and error, hoping for the best. But when it comes to making one of the most important decisions of your life, would you really want to rely on hope and luck? That sounds almost insane. Much of what we know from marriage comes from what we experienced growing up in our homes. If our parents had a healthy marriage, then we have something good to emulate. If not, we might need to put in more effort to cultivate a healthy relationship of our own.
Speaker 1:Another place we get an idea of what marriage is supposed to look like is from romantic comedies and Disney movies. Unfortunately, movies give us a misleading sense of what marriage truly is. Think about it. What's usually the final scene in a romantic comedy? The wedding. Why don't they ever show the couple 20, 30, or even 40 years after the wedding? Because it wouldn't be a romantic comedy, it would be a murder mystery.
Speaker 1:The reality is, prince Charming isn't going to magically fix everything in your life, despite what these stories suggest. If you're always holding out for the perfect prince or princess, you might never commit constantly believing that the ideal person is just around the corner. This mindset could be why people are marrying later in life, or sometimes not at all. Has access to internet dating increased your chances of finding love? Maybe, maybe not. The ease of access to endless options can make people more selective. Quit to dismiss someone for being a few pounds overweight or having a tiny pimple on their nose. With so many alternatives just a swipe away. It's tempting to find any small excuse to keep searching, even when you've met someone who could lead to a deep, passionate relationship.
Speaker 1:We may falsely believe that having multiple dating options actually makes it easier to choose one that we're truly happy with. In reality, though, the abundance of options actually requires more effort to make a decision and can easily leave us feeling less satisfied with what we choose. This phenomenon is called the paradox of choice. It's kind of like going to a restaurant with an overwhelming menu. How many times have you ordered the chicken marsala only to immediately regret not trying the salmon teriyaki? In theory, you love the large menu, but then you are never satisfied with what you order because there were so many other good choices. This is why it's called a paradox.
Speaker 1:This concept was popularized by American psychologist Barry Schwartz. Schwartz has long studied the ways in which economics and psychology intersect. He became interested in seeing the way that choices were affecting the happiness of citizens in Western societies. He found that, while we have far more options than people did in the past, consumer satisfaction hasn't increased as much as traditional economic theories would predict. Marriage rates in the US have steadily declined since the early 1970s. The peak occurred in 1946, with over 16 marriages per 1,000 people. By 1973, that number had dropped to 11, and today it's just below 7 marriages per 1,000 people annually. Dating used to be simpler If you met someone nice, with a steady job, you married them. Today, singles are less inclined to settle for someone they would have considered a good match in the past. This is why understanding the different stages of love is essential, not only for having a more fulfilling relationship, but also for making it easier to find love in the first place.
Speaker 1:Will reading this book guarantee that you'll find love? No, but it will guarantee that if you're open to learning the four phases of love and allow yourself to be vulnerable, you will significantly increase your chances of finding a meaningful connection. It's just like anything else in life If you don't know the steps, you're more likely to give up. Imagine taking a yoga class for the first time and the instructor only teaches you how to do downward dog. Technically, you know a yoga pose, but without learning the variety of poses, your practice will never truly develop and whatever joy you initially have for it will eventually fade.
Speaker 1:The same applies to relationships. If we don't understand the phases necessary to cultivate true love, we risk falling out of love with our partner or spouse, ultimately becoming another failed statistic. We often believe that we understand love and can succeed at it with the knowledge we have, yet, as marriage and divorce statistics show, it's far more challenging than we realize. No couple walks down the aisle expecting to become part of those statistics. Don't leave the success of your relationship to chance. Take control of building the love you truly desire. In the Western world, the divorce rate hovers between 50 and 60 percent. However, consider the marriages that don't end in divorce. How many of those couples would you describe themselves as being in a happy, passionate relationship? Let's say it's around 50 percent, which is probably generous. This means that if you're currently in a relationship, whether married or not, your chances of enjoying a lasting, passionate, fulfilling connection are less than 25%. These statistics are disheartening, and this book is dedicated to helping change that.
Speaker 1:We will break down love into four distinct phases. Understanding each phase will assist you in the ongoing development of your relationship. Once you've completed one phase, you'll shift your focus to the next, guiding you through the journey and helping you avoid the critical mistake of marrying the wrong person or staying in a toxic relationship. Most people can navigate the first three phases, but that's not the primary goal of this book. It's the fourth phase that will lead you to the bliss you've always dreamed of, reminiscent of those fairy tales about princesses and Cinderella.
Speaker 1:Phase 1. The Crush Phase. This typically emerges after a few dates. If you don't feel a spark or develop a crush on the person you're dating by then, it's likely time to move on. This initial attraction, often referred to as infatuation, carries a slightly negative connotation, as it can imply that the relationship is driven solely by fleeting physical desire. While this may be true, experiencing infatuation is often a necessary step on the path to deeper love you ultimately seek. Infatuation can indeed evolve into step on the path to deeper love you ultimately seek. Infatuation can indeed evolve into love, but the confusion between the two can lead many relationships to falter. This book will delve deeply into defining what love really is, so you do not end up confusing it with infatuation.
Speaker 1:Phase 2, the research phase. This begins when you recognize enough positive qualities in someone to consider yourselves dating. This is the time for intimate exploration, as you delve into what makes each other tick. What are their likes and dislikes? How do you connect on an emotional level? This stage is thrilling because everything feels new and full of potential. You're eager to learn as much as possible about each other. It's during this phase that you'll assess whether you're ready to commit to a long-term relationship.
Speaker 1:Phase three the commitment phase. This phase often culminates in marriage, but it can also encompass long-term committed relationships. At this stage, you're both willing to invest the effort necessary to build a future together. Many couples reach this point, but getting here doesn't guarantee anything. Instead of viewing this as an endgame it's a common misconception you should see it as a beginning to a deeper journey. Think of it like an aspiring athlete aiming to enter a professional sports league such as the NBA. Signing an NBA contract may feel like the pinnacle of success, but it's only the starting line. Now they must perform at a high level week after week to avoid being cut from the team while pursuing a championship. The same applies to marriage. It signifies your entry into the league of a legal commitment, but it does not ensure long-term success or happiness. It merely gives you a shot at achieving the ultimate goal a loving and fulfilling relationship with the same person for a lifetime.
Speaker 1:If you want the best chance to experience the relationship of your dreams, the kind you see in movies and read about in romantic novels, you'll need to embrace and learn to live with the final phase, phase four never leaving. This phase represents the pinnacle of your relationship, the most fulfilling and pleasurable stage. Here, your significant other becomes the central focus of your life and you live with the clarity that nothing can stand in the way of your bond. Every decision you make reflects consideration for their feelings and well-being. This deep connection typically develops after many years of marriage.
Speaker 1:While the commitment phase and the never-leaving phase may seem similar, a significant distinction exists between them. People can be committed to various aspects of life. Until they're not, your commitment can wane or even disappear entirely. Consider how often you felt dedicated to something, only to lose that commitment later. Beyond romantic relationships, think of the times you may have drifted away from commitments to fitness, healthy eating, a favorite sports team or even a political party. In contrast, never leaving represents the highest level of commitment, where nothing can deter you from being together. You'll stand by each other through thick and thin, preserving through good times and bad. You'll be willing to do whatever it takes to keep relationship as your number one priority. This is the ultimate goal of this book to guide you toward a state of the ultimate bliss. It's the moment you realize both you are heartily committed to nurturing a happy, passionate relationship when you reach the point of never leaving. Thank you for listening to the Coach Ratner Podcast.