The Coach Ratner Podcast
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The Coach Ratner Podcast
How to Deal with Socially Awkward People in Our Lives
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Have you ever found yourself feeling inexplicably drained after a social event or Shabbat dinner? You're not alone! This episode delves into the complexities of social awkwardness and its impact on our emotional well-being. As we explore the ways in which socially awkward individuals express themselves, we address the emotional toll their interactions can place on us. From the 'know-it-all' types to those who struggle to grasp social cues, every interaction brings its challenges and insights.
As we navigate the realities of these encounters, we invite you to reflect on your experiences. How have you coped with social awkwardness?
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Hey, this is Coach Ratner. The Coach Ratner Podcast Feels good to be back. I have not been recording much lately and one of the reasons is I've been writing a lot of books. Never Feel Loved Again was released back in September, and Sunscreen Love is coming out now the four phases to find the love you want and you can download both of those free at my website, coachratnercom.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to talk about socially awkward people, and the reason why I wanted to talk about this today is because I'm writing my next book, called Emotional Vampires, and I was cracking up writing about it, so I just kind of want to talk about it. It's in my mind right now. I can't be the only person that gets emotionally drained from people that are considered to be socially awkward. My family seems to attract them to our dinner table very often on Friday nights, and after having a socially awkward person attend my meal at my house, I dread. The next time they want to text me, they text me asking to come back for another meal. Now you can figure out pretty easily who drained you from your emotional energy. When they leave your house, you feel a sense of relief and happiness. It's as if you feel weight lifted off your back. I'm not insinuating that you should shun them from your social events, because we all have socially awkward people in our life. You just need to be aware so you can mentally prepare for them. They are everywhere and if someone says that they have no socially awkward people in their life, it's probably because they are socially awkward and do not recognize it in themselves or anyone else. I have instances when a socially awkward person would come for a meal when we have no other guests. I would politely tell them that we are having a meal just with our family because it can drain you of energy. In a case when we do have many guests, I'll be more inclined to accept them because their awkwardness can kind of meld in with all the other people normal people so it won't be as noticeable. I also try to put their seats somewhere at the other end of the table for my wife and I.
Speaker 1:Now, if you're single and ever attended a singles event, you can usually find lots of them there. You'll find many more socially awkward men than women. I'm sure many women can attest to this. It's no coincidence that males are diagnosed with asperger's asperger's four times as much as females. These are the men standing in the corner with a soda in their hands, looking like they belong in the social misfit club In the movie. There's a movie called Awakenings I think 1990, with Robert Williams and Robert De Niro Williams plays the doctors and he figures out how to take crazy people and make them normal again through drugs and through therapy. And I kind of sometimes feel like when you go to these places, like these singles events back when I was single, that it was kind of like the movie Awakenings just a bunch of crazy people, not that they're crazy, just socially awkward.
Speaker 1:Now I'm not saying all socially awkward people have Asperger's. But just like people can have narcissistic tendencies without being fully blown narcissists, people can have autism spectrum disorder, which means they can have some sort of social awkwardness without being fully diagnosed as full-blown Asperger's. Many of these men have no idea that they are on the spectrum. I doubt there's a lot of data about this, but I guess that a high number of older men, ones in their 40s and 50s, would be diagnosed as having some sort of social disorder. Just like I can tell men that they can train themselves to be a good listener, or I can teach women to find something to respect their husbands, for a socially awkward person can be trained not to be a weirdo in public. Socially awkward people can be trained not to be a weirdo in public.
Speaker 1:Socially awkward people can be brilliant. In fact, many of them hang out together in the high school computer club. These are the guys back when I was in high school who were called geeks, computer nerds or propellerheads. They're the ones that no popular person would want to sit with at the school lunch table. Now those same guys are called Sergey Brin, mark Zuckerberg, elon Musk.
Speaker 1:There are many different kinds of socially awkward people. One is the know-it-all. This is where they have an answer to every question that comes up. They can appear very smart, and they may be. It's just that there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad. They can fool people who are not as aware of the know-it-all kind of socially awkward person. No-transcript.
Speaker 1:There are many personality traits that can clue you into whether or not someone has Asperger's. I'm only going to tell you some of them that I think that I find easy to recognize. They have a hard time connecting to people in social situations. They have a very difficult time understanding social clues. They have a difficult time understanding sarcasm and jokes, and this is kind of one of the clues that makes me aware that someone has a social disorder because they don't understand jokes. They could be clumsy or awkward and they might have emotional constipation, which means they're lacking in emotional availability.
Speaker 1:Now there's a valuable skill that socially awkward people are missing that could make interaction with them enjoyable and effort-free. Psychologist Robert Sternberg calls it practical intelligence, where the three types of intelligence he identifies, the other two being analytical and creative. While analytical and creative intelligence are largely innate, practical intelligence is a skill you can develop. It's about knowing when and how to say things, understanding the nuances of situations and responding thoughtfully. This type of intelligence helps you read situations accurately and have the social savviness to understand what you should be and shouldn't say to other people. Another way of saying it using this skill will help you not to be a weirdo. Unfortunately, many socially awkward people do not recognize this or, if they do, they do not want to put in the effort to learn skills to act like a human being with emotions.
Speaker 1:I had a student that would occasionally come over for meals and he was sweet and quiet, but after some time I noticed that he always asked me the exact same questions How's the family, how's your wife, how's your son? After the first few encounters I didn't think much about it, but then it occurred to me that he's on the spectrum of having Asperger's. But someone trained him probably a therapist to engage with people by asking certain questions. Is he my favorite guest? No, not by a long shot, but he is not someone that drains me of energy. He was not what I would call an emotional vampire. He's aware of his diagnosis and he has learned to compensate for it. This taught me a very valuable lesson that when someone's aware of their social awkwardness but they learn how to compensate for it, they can be in a social situation without draining people.
Speaker 1:We had another frequent guest that came back when I lived in Maryland and he told me early on he had Asperger's. He would come to our shul on Shabbos and read the Torah. He was a brilliant Torah reader and he had a great voice. He liked to sing, he told corny jokes and he was always happy and willing to help clean up after dinner. Looking back, I think that if he never told me about his condition, I may not have been as tolerant of him, especially of his corny jokes. This is why I think it's important that if one thinks they may be on the spectrum, that they reach out for help so they can learn how to compensate for their deficiencies and ingrain themselves better in social situations. If only because he told me he had Asperger's that I was able to tolerate and understand his weirdness.
Speaker 1:I guess and you know, this happens all the time you realize and, by the way, if you I said this earlier if you don't realize, if you don't have anyone in your life that's socially awkward, it's possible that you are socially awkward. Now, sometimes the issues are too far ingrained and deep-seated for a person to overcome their social deficiencies or it would just take a mass amount of counseling for them to get even close to normal. For an emotionally healthy person to want, maybe to even want to date them person to want, maybe to even want to date them. This is a big problem in the dating world today. That maybe it's more for I think it's more for guys and girls that a lot of guys are just emotionally awkward. Emotionally they have emotional constipation, they're not allowing their emotions to come out and they can't connect emotionally to a person that they're dating.
Speaker 1:Now I always wonder maybe it's me, that maybe everyone else is normal and I'm the weirdo. I don't know. Could that be the case? Can I be the weirdo in life and everyone else that drains me of energy, that's emotionally awkward, is not emotionally awkward and they're the normal people you know. It's just something to think about when you go through life. Thing to think about when you go through life.
Speaker 1:And I think the key to this is understanding that if you feel like people aren't connected to you and you're in your 40s and your 50s and you're still single, maybe it's a social disorder. Maybe you could see a therapist and learn how to compensate for the issues. Maybe you're not a good listener I know you know if you can't be a good listener, no one's going to want to be married to you. Or maybe, if you're in a marriage that's struggling, maybe it's because there's no emotional connection, because you have emotional constipation. I think that's the clue. That's the clue to having a passionate relationship is really being emotionally available for them, which means you have to become vulnerable and learn how to listen. Anyway, this is just something to think about.
Speaker 1:This is all going to be in my next book, emotional Vampires, which should be out in 2026. I'm really having a lot of fun writing it, but in the meantime you can certainly read my other two books that have recently come out Sunscreen Love. The Four Phases to Find you want and never feeling loved again. Strategies and symptoms to cure low self-esteem. This is Coach Ratner at the Coach Ratner Podcast. I'll see you next time.