The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
Whether you’re looking to unlock your full potential, cultivate meaningful relationships, or just to feel good about yourself, Coach Ratner is here to guide and inspire you every step of the way. Join the thousands who have already been transformed by Coach’s teachings and start your own journey towards success, fulfillment, and ultimately a passionate, loving relationship, with one person for the rest of your life.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Sunscreen Love: Nurturing Relationships Through Listening and Emotional Connection
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Imagine if maintaining love in our relationships was as simple as remembering to reapply sunscreen! In this episode, we explore the concept of "sunscreen love," drawing parallels between relationship care and skincare routines. With personal stories and a catchy tune, we highlight how compliments can act like SPF, protecting the love between partners, while criticism can cause it to burn. As divorce rates climb, we emphasize the need to nurture love and upgrade our relationships to sustain that fiery passion and deep connection. We'll also walk you through the four phases of love, offering insights that aim to build lasting partnerships amidst modern life's hurdles.
Education prepares us for many things, but how often do we learn the crucial art of listening? Through humorous anecdotes and personal reflections, we stress the importance of listening as an undervalued skill, particularly among men, and its significance beyond just romantic encounters. By sharing my own experiences, including the realization that listening is as much of an art as public speaking, we aim to shift the focus onto this essential skill. We also address the need to prepare for the lifelong journey of marriage, rather than just the wedding day, by understanding the true essence of love and marriage beyond the initial infatuation.
Navigating the terrain of dating and marriage can be complex, and it goes far beyond first impressions and physical attraction. We delve into the "three date rule" and how it might just reveal more than meets the eye, urging listeners to look beyond superficial qualities to find shared values and meaningful goals. You'll hear personal tales, like mine of transitioning to a religious lifestyle post-marriage, illustrating the importance of shared life goals. By introducing the "Four A's"—attention, affection, appreciation, and awareness—we showcase how respect and emotional connections are crucial for a thriving relationship. As we explore emotional connection and the motivations behind infidelity, we wrap up with heartfelt advice and a blessing, hoping to guide our listeners toward passionate, loving relationships.
Thank you for coming to my class. Today we're talking about sunscreen love. I'm hoping you're going to ask what is sunscreen love? What is sunscreen love, right? So I used to go to the beach a lot and I would put SPF 30 or 15 on before I go to the beach in the morning. I'd be on the beach all day playing in the waves, playing volleyball, taking a nap, having lunch. I'd come back to my beach house in the afternoon. I'd be completely burnt. You nap having lunch and I come back to my beach house in the afternoon, I'd be completely burnt. What happened? I forgot to reapply the sunscreen.
Speaker 1:Love is the exact same way. You fall in love, you're in your early 20s, you get married and you think that love is going to last forever. But guess what? Just like you're busy on the beach, you get busy in life. You have a job, you have hobbies, you have children and you think that love's going to stay. But guess what, if you don't reapply to love, if you don't romance to love in a relationship, that love can burn. That romancing to love is taking an infatuation of love's desire you have for someone and turning to love, and if we don't work on it, that love will burn. I know guys in their 40s and 50s gotten divorce letters from their wives attorneys and they had no idea there the relationship was in trouble. They had no idea what happened. They forgot to romance the relationship. One idea we're gonna talk about and this is a very theme throughout my classes is that when you criticize someone, you're tearing apart the love. And but I grew up in an Ashkenazi house and my mom was somewhat a little bit critical and you don't realize you're critical. In fact, you can go through your whole life not realizing you're criticizing people and you are criticizing people.
Speaker 1:I was coaching this nice young lady one day. She was in her late 30s and she's a balchuvah and she was going to deal with this farty guy who was not so religious but still connected. And they go to this restaurant, natanya, and they order a soup and sandwich and she goes to wash her hands and say the bracha before she asks her. She sits down and says chamotzi, before she eats her bread. He goes and washes and he comes back doesn't't say a thing. And she says to him aren't you gonna say a bracha? And he goes no, I just washed my hands because they were dirty. And she says you know you're supposed to say a bracha. He takes a soup and he pours it in her lap and I said to her do you realize? Because this relationship obviously didn't work, I go do you know that you were criticizing him? She goes no, I wasn't. I'm like, from your perspective, you weren't criticizing him, but from his perspective he's being criticized. She goes no, I'm not. I was just trying to make him into a better man. And we don't realize we criticize. She had no idea that she was being critical of him.
Speaker 1:I said we criticize all the time without even thinking about it. And every time you criticize your spouse, you are wiping away the sunscreen, you are causing the relationship to burn. And every time you compliment your spouse, you're putting sunscreen on. And I love this concept. I used to go to the beach a lot, so I understand, I don't want to burn, I don't want my relationship to burn. So I sing a little song in my house Compliment, don't criticize. Compliment, don't want to burn, I don't want my relationship to burn. So I sing a little song in my house Compliment, don't criticize. Compliment, don't criticize, or she'll find another guy. Compliment, don't criticize, or she'll poke you in the eye. Compliment, don't criticize or he'll say bye, bye, bye, compliment, don't criticize, live under sunny skies. Every time you compliment your spouse, you're putting sunscreen on and you're building the love in the relationship, and every time you criticize them, you're wiping it off.
Speaker 1:Now, one of the reasons I started writing class on marriage and dating because when I was married about 10-15 years, I said to my wife why is that? Our marriage is equal to everybody else. We have a pretty good marriage, awesome, it's pretty good, I go. Why is our marriage equal to people? You know to get divorced five, six, seven times in hollywood? People dysfunction, people, abusive relationships, all these people getting divorced. Why is our relationship equal? There should be a what I call a level 2.0. Just like you upgrade your phone, you upgrade your computer, you should be able to upgrade your marriage.
Speaker 1:And so I came up with this idea called the four phases of love, and one of the reasons why I really wanted to write about this and teach about this because if you take a hundred marriages in the world today, a hundred marriages not in the firm world, not a religious world, a hundred marriages, how many get divorced? How many? How many? 50, 50 percent, 60, 60, 60. I got 65. I got 65. That that's seventy. Seventy it's a lot, right, it's crazy, it's a high amount. It's crazy, it's absolutely nuts. Of the ones that are not divorced, let's say it's fifty percent of the ones are not divorced, how many of them? 20%. So you're saying I'm on the back. Basically, if you get married today and you're walking down the aisle and no one walking down the aisle to the chuppah thinks they're going to be a statistic. Everyone thinks they're going to be a passionate, loving relationship for the rest of their life. But according to you, according to Emma, it's one out of four. That sounds great. Let's all get married. It's ridiculous, it's horrible.
Speaker 1:And one of the reasons is, you know, if you're gonna go to college and you get a degree, you want to learn about something. You want to become an accountant, a nurse, whatever it is. You want to get a driver's license. My daughter in maryland just got her permit, so I took her out when I was back in america last week. I took her out twice. It's kind of scary, I think, but she was doing great. She's did great. I took her on the road. The second day I took her no, she's a junior in high school. I took her out on the road and she did yeah, 16,. She did fantastic.
Speaker 1:But you have to study, you gotta practice. I think you need to have 50 hours on the road and you have to take classes and then take a test. You have to get a driver's license. You have to get married, or even the date. What do you have to know? What class you have to take, what course you have to master or pass in order to get married? Nothing, and everyone thinks I know what I'm doing.
Speaker 1:I can have a great relationship, yet, as a statistical show, people have no idea. They have no idea, and I think if you're taking this class, in this class today, you are not going to be a statistic, it's just basic wisdom, that is. I don't know what's taught anywhere. I don't know people, you know, and I think if you're taking this class you're in this class today. You are not gonna be a statistic, it's just basic wisdom, that is. I don't know if it's taught anywhere. I don't know people. You know everyone takes classes on public speaking, but no one takes classes on public listening, because listening is such a major part of a relationship.
Speaker 1:So I put love into four phases. Okay, here are the four phases. Phase number one is what I call the crush. This is when you go out with a guy and he's kinda cute and you like him, makes you laugh, like you know what I could see having a second date with him. This could go somewhere. And the word crush has a negative connotation because it sometimes means infatuation. Now, and this is a big problem in the world today, people confuse infatuation with love because they don't know what love is. We're gonna get into this in a second. They have no idea what love is and they're infatuated and they wonder why they're in a horrible relationship. But you have to have that in order to get to the love you want. Now, that's phase one. Phase two is what I call the research phase. This is when you're in a very exciting time in a relationship. This is when you're learning the likes and the dislikes about everyone you're personally going out with. It's a.
Speaker 1:And now, when I would set people up, I would say to someone oh, I have someone for you and you go, I'm seeing someone, I'm seeing someone. What does it mean when you're seeing someone? It means you're dating. It means you're busy, right? What should you be saying? I am listening to someone, because listening is how relationships are formed. Listening is a lost art form. Like I said before, there's classes on public speaking, none on public listening. I tell guys all the time women now you can tell me if I'm wrong women want a guy that listens to them, that understands them, that opens up emotionally and is able to be vulnerable. That's what they want, and guys stink.
Speaker 1:I was in my early 20s. I was not raised in a religious home, I had become a Balchuvan until my mid-40s and I couldn't get a second date. And my best friend said to me stop talking and just listen. And guess what? He was right, because no one taught me that I had to listen to people. It's interesting that twice a day in the Jewish prayers we say in Shema, we say Shemo v'tishme'u God bless you. Shemo v'tishme'u Hear and you shall listen. Because there's two kinds of hearing. There's one where it goes in one ear, not the other, and there's one where you listen and internalize it. And it's interesting. If you want to capture someone's heart, you have to listen with your ears. The word ear is right in the middle of the word heart. Well, what if it did not make a difference to what you're saying? Or so you can actually listen, but it's gonna be extremely hard to talk.
Speaker 1:Oh, I remember dating women. In fact, in my emotional vampire class, emotional vampires are people that suck the energy out of you and one of the categories you've heard this class right I have a new category called people who talk too much. I remember dating this woman and she just couldn't stop talking. I'm like, oh my gosh, this is torture, like if this was just one date. I couldn't believe how hard it was to talk to her, to be with her, because she just wouldn't stop talking. The seat there, a seat there, two seats here. So I I'm not even talking about just people who talk and stop talking. Talking about Someone is talking. It's like almost about the weather. What they're saying. You have no interest in it? Yeah, well, that's not a person you should be dating. You have to have someone you're going to connect to, yeah, but what about regular relationships? Yeah, I'm talking about day to day. I'm not talking about marriage.
Speaker 1:Listening is so important. I have to listen to my wife and I have to work on it. Listening is art form. It takes practice. Most guys stink at it. We do. We just stink at listening. I'll give you an example, I can go to a hockey game with one of my best buddies or a Lakers game, whatever it is. I can say two words to him. The whole time. We grunt a little, but we have some popcorn and beer, beer and we had a great time.
Speaker 1:If you ever walked the NBA playoffs like center court, lakers, bulls, whatever and three rows up in the center court are two women. What are they doing? The whole time they're talking and I watching the game, because that's how they connect, I'll give you a little little story. Is that this joke? You have a couple walking down the street, married couple walking down the street, and a woman walks by and the wife says to the woman oh, how are you? And they start talking for a few minutes and the husband says, oh, who is that person? And the wife says, oh, I met her at Marshall's last week in the dressing room. She goes her daughter had an operation. I want to find out. She's buying clothes for her daughter. He goes, oh, ok, and he walked down the street. A man walks by and the husband goes hey, guy goes hi. And the wife goes who's that? And the husband says, oh, I gave him my kidney last week. You see the difference. We don't have this need to communicate. We like to share ideas, but women connect through emotional connection, that's through listening. We're going to get into some ideas about this. So that's.
Speaker 1:Phase two is called the research phase. Phase three is called we're talking about the four phases of love. Phase one is the crush, phase two is the research phase and phase three is what I call the commitment. This is when you decide, from my vernacular, to get married. I know in the world today not everyone wants to get married, long term relationship, whatever you want to call it, but from my vernacular it means to get married. And this is where the problem lies. It and this is where the problem lies. It's easy to get married. It's not difficult at all. And so I came up with what I call phase four.
Speaker 1:Phase four I call never leaving. This is the point in a relationship after 10, five, 10, 15 years, when you realize there's someone better in every single characteristic. There's someone who's a better cook, someone who's got more money, someone who's skinnier, someone who's fatter, someone who opens up more money, someone's skinnier, someone's fatter, someone opens up more emotionally, someone's funnier, someone's less funny. Whatever you want, there's someone better in every single characteristic, but you realize the person you marry isn't perfect, but they're perfect for you. That's the phase of never leaving.
Speaker 1:Now, what's the difference between the commitment and never leaving? You're only committed to things until you're not committed anymore. How many times have you been committed to like I'm gonna work out at Gold's every day this you know, every day, starting January 1st or I'm gonna commit it. You know I'm gonna eat vegan. I'm gonna, you know, stop smoking cigarettes. I'm gonna stop smoking cigarettes while I'm keeping vegan. Whatever you say you're gonna do, and then you quit, or you stop doing it Because you're only committed. You're committed to a political party, you're committed to a school, committed to whatever it is you're doing until you're not committed anymore. There's got to be much more to a marriage. And so that's the fourth phase of love. It's interesting If you ever watch a romantic comedy, what's the last scene in the movie?
Speaker 1:They fall in love and they get married. They fall in love and they get married. That's usually what happens. How come they never show 10, 20, or 30 years later? Because it wouldn't be a romantic comedy, It'd be a murder mystery.
Speaker 1:The day you get married is the day the hard work starts. What do you do when you get engaged? First thing you do when you get engaged Is anyone here married? You're married. Well, how long have you been married? For Eight months, oh, newlywed. Yeah, that's good class for you, I'll get some marriage stuff. So what did you do the day you got engaged? Like cried for the happiness, couldn't barely breathe, ok. Did you call your parents? Yes, and what did you do for the next three, four months? Well, we planned a wedding, planned a wedding. You planned a wedding. Who's going to go? Who's going to go? What the theme's going to be, where the event's going to be? It's called what? Calla Land, david CHOEHLER-. Calla Land, like La La Land, david CHOEHLER oh yeah, I've never heard of that before. Calla Land.
Speaker 1:But what should you be doing? And the wedding is great, but how long does the average wedding last? Five, six hours max. You should be planning the rest of your life together and people don't do that. They focus on the wedding and nothing else. And they get married and they're like, oh my gosh, what are we doing now? We have no idea what we're doing.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to give you some ideas that you should take from marriage that really are going to help clarify, and one thing you have to do is clarify your terms, define what your terms are. Who here wants to be in love? Okay, all hands are going up. Who here, tell me, tell me, tell me what love is? Wait a second. You just said you want to be in love. Right, tell me what love is. Things you do huh, yeah, that's part of it. Is it the feeling that you can't live without them? The feeling you can't live without them? That's not a bad idea. That's not a bad definition. Anyone else you could say they should throw up. Okay, just one, wait a second, I'll. So. I'm gonna break it down to two different ideas. One is what I call the feeling of being love, and when. I'll give you the definition. The feeling of being love is is wanting to give without getting anything in return. Like you said, putting the effort I want to get this person. I'm not doing if you get something back. That is what I call the feeling of love.
Speaker 1:Rabbi Tversky, avram Tversky, mrs Shama, have an aliyah. He said there's an idea called fish love. Anyone heard about fish love? I have heard. David CHOEHLER oh, you do, because you've been in my class. Anyone here like fish Salmon. You like salmon Tuna. David CHOEHLER Tuna. How do you like it cooked? Kind of like raw. David CHOEHLER oh, you like sushi? Yeah, david CHOONG Erica.
Speaker 1:Now, erica loves tuna. If Erica really loved tuna, she would take a live tuna and she'd put it in a bowl of water. Buy her a bed stand and read it fish stories at night and take it on fish play dates. She wouldn't kill the tuna and eat it. What Erica has is fish love for tuna. It means she gets pleasure from tuna. It brings her pleasure and that's called infatuation. She has infatuation. She wouldn't kill the tuna if she loved the tuna.
Speaker 1:What real love the feeling of love is wanting to give without getting anything in return.
Speaker 1:The definition of love is the emotional pleasure you feel when you focus on the virtues of somebody else and you continue to associate them with those virtues. I'll say it again the feeling of the definition of love is the emotional pleasure you feel when you focus on the virtues of somebody else and you continue to associate them with those virtues as you age, which means there is a reason why you fell in love. We discussed earlier Emma said one in four, only one in four changes having a happy marriage. Why are the rest of them not happy or divorced. Why did you fall in love? Because they're associating the bad stuff with the person in love. The good stuff, what? Oh, there's a reason why Erika fell in love.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you something right now, your relationship is going to go through struggles, some. It's gonna go through turbulence, it's gonna do a friction. I'm telling this right now. It's going to go through friction. I'm telling you this right now. It's a fact of life. And you better remember why you fell in love in the first place, because you're going to start focusing on all those negative things that your husband has. What's his name? Izzy DAVID KWONG Izzy, let me give you an idea, a parable.
Speaker 1:There's a TV show called Chopped. It's on the Food Network. Anyone ever watch it? You watched it. It's four contestants, they're chefs and they have 15 minutes to make an appetizer and then one of them gets voted off the show and then they make a main course and then one gets voted off the show and then, finally, at the end, one's chopped champagnes and they win five or $10,000.
Speaker 1:That's not the point of my talk, why this whole thing really related to me. When they start the contest to make this appetizer, they get this basket full of very unusual ingredients that most chefs never cook with, things like snake meat, dried crickets, squid ink, yicama powder, snail urine I mean, who cooks with snail urine, right Like? No one does that, right it's like? And they have to use them in a dish marriage. The exact same way. You fall in love. I'm gonna be in love forever.
Speaker 1:And then you get married and you find out that your husband has a basket full of stuff that you had no idea and you have a bath of those stuff that you don't even understand what you have, especially the younger you are. When you're're older, you kind of know your issues. When you're young, you have no idea what they are, and it could be inability to trust, it could be inability to open up emotionally, it could be anger issues, it could be a slob. Whatever it is, maybe it doesn't listen very well. Everyone's got issues. Yes question Do you think that it's better to get married when you're very aware of your issues or when you don't know and you can't discover? I think it's great just to not have any issues. That's what I think. I think you should work on yourself and you can work on yourself.
Speaker 1:I was so impatient when I got married. So I'm just, I'm very, I mean very, very impatient. I'm like when I used to play Monopoly with my brother, like I couldn't wait from the move, like when he rolled the dice I'd move his pieces and pay my. I couldn't say I'm just too. I'm just, I'm spielkos all the time and I had to work on my patience. Is it perfect? No, but I'm much. You can ask my wife, believe me. You can ask my wife. You Believe me, you can ask my wife, you could. It's much better. I've worked on myself. I've gotten better. I listen much better. In fact, I was given the compliment recently that when I coach people, usually after a class or whatever, that you really listen to people. And it takes effort to listen to people. It really takes.
Speaker 1:And I tell these guys start practicing when you're dating, don't wait till you're married and things are unfrozen. I wanna say one thing the average Fortune 500 company, large company in America, spends $150 million a month on consultants. That's $1.8 billion a year. Why? Because consultants help the bottom line. They make more money when they get someone coming in telling them what to do, how to make their business better. When do people who are married get consultants? When things are falling apart. I think everyone Reb isn't told me that when my kids get married soon by me, that the person they marry better have a rabbi or Reb isn't to follow if they don't run away.
Speaker 1:My right, you have something good. No, you don't think you have some guy to you. You gotta have some guy to you. You think do all this and you can. If you came from a great marriage, if you came from a home full of love and you have something good to emulate, you have a much better shot. But if you came from a home with dysfunction or divorce, you don't have something to emulate. And it doesn't mean you can't have a passionate marriage. It just means you have more work to do. It's only difference. Just more work to do should be reading my books, listen to. Having a coach represents someone who's going to help guide you through these relationships.
Speaker 1:So the definition of love is focusing on the pleasure. Why you, when you met someone, what made you fall in love with him? And I have to deal with this now I have. You know I'm married now for hashem, 23 years, and the love I have for my wife now does not compare to love I had for a wedding on her wedding day and I thought it was love wedding day. I had no idea. And my relationship goes through turbulence. It goes through. There's times where it's rough and what I do. I focus on why I fell in love. This is why I fell in love with my wife, ilana, and I'm going to stay focused on those things. Are there things that bother me? For sure, you're going to get married and you're going to get married and find a guy and he's going to annoy you about certain things. It's a fact. So you better stay focused on why you fell in love in the first place.
Speaker 1:Now we're going to talk about three questions you must ask before you get married, because I get all the time young ladies coming up to me. I spoke at Nivea about a month ago and I had a woman lined up for like five minutes a shot asking questions and they want to know should I marry this guy? Not all of them, but that's one of the questions should I marry this guy? And so you should have three questions that you have in your repertoire to ask before you marry someone. Number one am I physically attracted to them? Am I physically attracted to them? Am I physically attracted to them, which does not make them physically attractive to anybody else. The more you know someone you like, the better looking they get, whereas the more you know someone you don't like, the more you know someone you don't like at all, the uglier they get. Brad Pitt, good looking guy in Hollywood, they're women who can't stand him. You can't stand him. I always say this is one of my lines.
Speaker 1:For every beautiful woman walking down the street, for every hunky guy walking down the street, there is someone that is sick of them. It is a fact. It is Looks only go so far. You might have been to a wedding of yours with your girlfriends and you go see the groom for the first time and she's a good-looking girl, bless you. And she's a nice-looking girl. And you look at the guy like oh my gosh, he looks like Freddy Krueger. And the reason why is you don't know him. Like she knows him. And this is why I have a rule called the three date rule, bless you. The three day rule states you should date someone at least three times. Obviously, if they laugh like a hyena or they can't stop talking about the mother, they pick their nose. Right, I live in the treehouse. Don't go out with them again. But you've got to give someone three chances why you don't know someone after one date.
Speaker 1:When I used to date again, I wasn't observant. I was very nervous, especially the more beautiful woman it was more nervous I was and I would make sure to go to a restaurant that didn't have was imposter pizza and I would make sure that a salad. I get us out and I say the waiter leave off the dressing, you know, cuz it gets on your collar and forget the avocados, get stuck in your teeth and forget the cat. Like this other way. I said just bring me plain lettuce. And if I'm like that on the first date, are you gonna get to know me in the first date? Not a chance in the world. I'm so nervous. I'm sure the girls are nervous too. So how can you make a decision on one date? I'm not saying this is a generalization. I'm not telling you when you're dating like OK, this guy's 500 pounds and smells and they're like, don't go with him again. But unless there's any red flags, give him a chance, because we live in a world now where we have so many options, we have so many choices because of the internet and people are not willing to give someone a chance, more in the secular world than the religious world. But the woman's 10 pounds overweight, swipe. She's got a pimple on her nose. Forget about it. Eh, she's not that funny. People don't give anyone a chance and when you get to know someone, thank God.
Speaker 1:My wife went out with me. She almost didn't. She was raised in a very, I would say, traditional home. I like to say she was frum conservative. She was raised in a conservative home. She went to shul, she bought dinners. She went to shul on Saturdays, but she wasn't like we are now. And when she found out that I was not religious at all like nothing, she almost didn't go out with me. But I guess she saw something in me and that's obviously. Our life has changed. Never living in Israel with five children, whatever A whole different story. And I'm teaching new Shiva. I don't know how that happened, but, um, you became religious after you got married. Yeah, yeah, I was 45 years old At your wedding. You were not religious. I was not religious and she was. Nope, she was not religious either. She was traditional. She was more affiliated than you were. She was traditional, like she had Shabbat dinners.
Speaker 1:Would you recommend that for a couple To what that? It sounds like she was more connected than you were. Yes, it's OK if the woman is more connected than the man. It's not good the other way around. Yeah, usually the house is going to go by the way, the woman the woman doesn't decide where the kids go to school, where you're going to live, like, imagine taking a vacation. Your wife doesn't go there. It's not going to happen. The wife usually chooses those things in the house. Get that OK.
Speaker 1:So question number one you have to ask before you get married am I physically attracted to them, which does not make me physically attracted to anybody else except you. I always joke that I remember back in high school there was this short, fat kid who was really funny and he always had this beautiful girlfriend. Why? Because he was more than just physical. Question number two do we share common meaningful goals and values or have a common meaningful purpose in life? Because many people get married because they want to have children, and children are great to have. May all be blessed with many children, amen. But if many people get married, they've been married 20, 25 years and their kids have left the house and they're staring at each other in the kitchen. Like, why do we get married? Oh, for children. Yeah, we don't this. Okay, the end of that marriage, right. Many people get married because they meet up softball games, they meet at running clubs, they meet at yoga Pilates classes. They go you like yoga, I like you. Go, let's go out. And they're cute and whatever they get involved in physical relationships, they confuse infatuation with love and wondering why they're in a horrible relationship.
Speaker 1:I one of the things I say it's it's a chapter, my book it's actually. This is the book that's out now. It's called Infinite Marriage the Four Phases to a Loving Relationship. I'm actually rewriting this book. This is more for the Froome audience. I'm rewriting it as Sunscreen Love. It should be out in a few months. It's gonna be a little more edgier, more my voice. Oh, by the way, you can get this one. Never feel in love again.
Speaker 1:This is my self-esteem book. I can give you a copy or you can listen to it. One living clarity podcast. I read it or you can download for free at coach writer calm. I just want to say those things. What was I talking about? What I'll give it? You do you have one? No, david KWONG oh, you don't have one yet here. Thanks DAVID KWONG there you go. I printed 1,000 copies here in Jerusalem. I'm going to give them all away, yeah, and when I get sunscreen love, I'm going to print books at least. That's why I wrote a book on self-esteem. I thought I'd improve my self-esteem. Oh, so we're talking about.
Speaker 1:The second question must ask do we share common values and goals? Many people meet. I said one is having children, one is meeting at a workout class or a softball game. Another is people meet because especially someone's got money and like, oh, I'll marry him, he's got money, it makes me happy, right. And guess what? You have many, many guys who are divorced driving their Bentleys to their country clubs in South Florida and it doesn't make them happy, right? I'd rather you have money and not have money.
Speaker 1:But like, if you think about a challenge in a marriage, what is more of a challenge, poverty or wealth? What's more of a challenge, poverty or wealth? You think poverty, you would. Here's the thing about poverty, and I don't wish anybody it doesn't sneak up on you. You know you're poor. You get married to a guy has no money. You know you're poor. You get married to a guy who has no money. You know you're poor, you wake up, you have a hard time paying him up, but it's not a secret, it's not a surprise. Wealth, on the other hand, sneaks up on you. I've seen this in my business, where guys start in their 20s, have no money and suddenly they make a lot of money and their 30s and 40s have gotten married.
Speaker 1:And guess what money gets in the way of the relationship beach houses, the cars, vacation. Suddenly that becomes the focus instead of the relationship itself, and that cannot be the reason you get married. Common meaningful values and goals must be something more than physical, must be spiritual. From my vernacular, from my point of view, having god in your life is a game changer. This is why people who are religious in any religion, not just Jewish, christian or any religion have a divorce rate that's significantly, significantly less than the non-religious world. Because they say, people that pray together stay together, and there's some truth to that. So that's the second question. And, by the way, I was. I was in LA a few months ago and I, ha Toro, had this conference in Miami they wanted me to go to. I wasn't going to go. They said we have a couple flying from LA to Miami in their private jet. Can you go with them? I'm like sure, twist my arm, I'll take a private jet to Miami. So this couple in their late 60s, no children, fabulous marriage why, they share a common meaningful purpose and goal, and that meaningful purpose is they help organizations out in the world. They donate all their money for conservative causes. They help Chabad in LA, they help here in Asia, torah, and they actually are engaged. They go to these events and they help these candidates, these conservative candidates, in the political sphere. That's a common. It's not God, but it's still something meaningful and you gotta have something meaningful in your life that you share.
Speaker 1:The third question is different from man and the woman. The third question that a man must ask before he gets married am I willing to make her happy the rest of her life? If I'm willing to make her happy the rest of my life, if, fill in the blank, if he can't say that, that he shouldn't marry her, the question for a woman is different than a man. The question that woman needs to ask before she gets married you ready for this one? This is a big one. Do I respect him? Do I respect him? And if I ask a young lady, I'll give you a story.
Speaker 1:I was coaching this young lady one time. She was here, she was at the Aish Seminary and she was dating this guy for like two years and she loves him. She was in love with him and she said, coach, I have a little issue, I have a problem with him. She goes, I go, what is it? He goes, he's a little slow and she's like wicked smart, like fast, like really smart. And I said where is he? He goes, he's at the HUSH. I'm like let me talk to him. I want to meet with him. Guy's a sweetheart, like the sweetest guy I ever met. You'll ever meet so sweet. But guess what? He was a little slow. And I said to her he's great, he's an amazing guy. I mean, he's a little slow, but you should try to make this work.
Speaker 1:Six months later she calls me crying. I go, what's up? I'm struggling the relationship. I said I asked one question do you respect him? She says no. I said you cannot marry him. I said he's going to make a great husband once for somebody, just not you. And she says to me can I date him for two more years to finish college? I'm like no, you can't do that. You must respect the guy men. We're very simple and I don't mean to be crude, but I'm being honest with you. I'm not here to be liked, I'm here to tell you the truth. We need three things in our life cuz I'm a guy so I can say this we food, we need sex and we need respect. Everything else is a bonus. You need need sex and we need respect. Everything else is a bonus. You need to be loved, and we should respect our wife, for sure, but love for us is not as important. It is not as important.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tell you something that I think can change the specter of your relationship. You ready for this one? When a man walks home, comes into the house from learning or work, the wife should be on the phone and she should say hey, sarah, I have to go. My husband just walked in. Click, hi, honey, game changer. That is a game changer because my I, you, the man's gonna recognize his wife is stopping what she's doing to recognize that her man is walking to the house and, more important than you running up and hugging him, give me a kiss that lasts for like three months after you get married, after that's done, the most important thing you can do. And, by the way, my wife says to me all the time and my wife does not talk on the phone, she's faking it and I know she's faking it. I don't care why, because the most important thing to me is to be recognized when I walk into the house.
Speaker 1:Respect is what we need Now. We don't have much longer left. I'm gonna give you some ideas here. Let me go back to sunscreen love. We talked about compliment, don't criticize. We talked about when you compliment the spouse, you're putting sunscreen on. When you criticize the spouse, you're wiping the sunscreen off. I wanna give you some ideas called the four A's. This is attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. Attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. You get four A's. You can think of it all very easy. It's all gonna be in my new book, I think. Oh, it's in this book also. Attention so important A man.
Speaker 1:So I used to come home from work. I lived in Maryland and I held things going on my head and I really wanted to grab a beer and sit on the couch and watch ESPN highlights. That's what I wanted to do. My father would come home from work. He was a lawyer. He go putter in the garden for a while, for half an hour. He picked beans, he picked weeds, he watered the plants. He go take a nap half an hour and and then he'd talk to my mom Because he had to unwind.
Speaker 1:But we have to be able to understand that that's not how women connect to us. Women you can tell me if I'm wrong, please. I'm not a woman, you are. You want to connect to us on an emotional level. The four parts of a relationship are already called physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. Physical must in a relationship Intellectual, emotional and spiritual. It stands for PISE. It's an acronym, but for a woman the emotional part is the most important.
Speaker 1:So when a guy comes home from work or learning, he needs to put down his phone and connect to his wife because she needs to talk to him. We don't have that need as much, I'm telling you, we don't have that need. And a man has to come home and ask you three questions. You, single girls, before you get married, you teach this to your husband. And I'm going to say something else. You might think it's a little weird. You should discuss oh, what is your definition? Like just say you know two or three times, like it could go somewhere. You should ask him what's your definition of love? You don't have to agree with my definition, but you should at least have a common theme what love means to you.
Speaker 1:Man has to come home and ask his wife three questions. Number one what did you do today? Number two what's in your mind or what are you thinking about? And number three how do you feel? And if you ask her how does she feel, she says fine, she's not fine. He better keep probing until he gets to the bottom of it. All three of those questions have to do with three parts. What did you do today? Your hands are physical. What are you thinking about? Your hands are physical. What are you thinking about? That's your intellectual, and how do you feel? Or her emotions. As a guy, he's gotta sit there and listen to her for at least 15 seconds. I'm kidding, but I'm not kidding Because it's not so easy for us. I'm gonna tell you right now. It's not. And this is a key part of relationships. He comes home. He needs to connect to his wife.
Speaker 1:I was coaching this woman. I was coaching in LA, I was teaching a class in Chicago and a woman comes up to me after class and she says she's been married, has three kids. She's married. She said I have an issue, I'll be talking to my husband and he'll walk out on me. And I said do you know? I've done the same thing. She goes, really. I came home, I was talking to my wife in her office and next thing I realized you know, I got donuts in the kitchen. I just walked out on her. She goes where you going. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just thought about donuts, like because what happens is and I told her this we only have so much bandwidth. I said before we can go to a hockey game, say two words to each other. We had a good time.
Speaker 1:Women need to connect through speaking. That's how they connect. That's why you notice women talk on the phone a lot more than men. I don't know if you notice this. I remember growing up we had the phone on the wall, like connected to the wall by a cord, and my mom was on the phone for hours, hours and hours and hours talking to her best friend, edna, because that's how they connect. We don't have that need as much. So a guy has to come home and talk to his wife. You need to realize we only have so much bandwidth and that sometimes women can talk a lot, we can't handle so much of it.
Speaker 1:I have a sister who's handicapped and she's in Maryland and my other sister in Florida. We both take care of her from afar and we have to work together and sometimes my sister will send me this long email with all these things I have to do. And my wife told my sister that you have to write to me or talk to me in bullet points, because it's too much. I can only handle so much. And you, as a wife, or a future wife, have to understand the guy you're going to marry can only handle so much talking, just like. We have to do a better job of listening. You have to do a better job of understanding that we can only handle so much. Right, am I right? Okay, those are the three questions you must ask before you get married. Again, respect being the most important thing. We talked about the four A's attention, affection, appreciation, awareness. We will come back to that in a second, but I'm gonna give you a very important idea. I'll probably end with this idea what's important to you needs to be, what's important to them needs to be important to you. What's important to your spouse must be important to you. I'm gonna give you some scenarios Now.
Speaker 1:When I got married, my wife used to like to go see the modern dance things at the Kennedy Center. I used to go. I didn't like it, but she went. She wanted to go and I'd go with her. Go ahead, I'm married. It's nice for me to do right. Go with my wife to a show that I have no interest in. And when I cook dinner I'll put the food on the table. I bring. I had one time five little kids now thank God they're bigger and I bring seven small forks to the table and then I put all the dishes in the sink and my wife will clean up afterwards.
Speaker 1:My wife would first kind of ask me can you please bring me a large fork Now? In a typical marriage this is not a big deal. It really isn't. But I'm not giving this class for a typical marriage. The reason why I'm teaching here I don't get paid for this. The reason why I teach here I want you to be in a passionate, loving relationship with one person the rest of your life. If you're not, I failed. I have no intention of failing. This is not just to have a regular marriage. I want you to be awesome marriage.
Speaker 1:And so my wife asked me for the large fork. I'm like you know what? Okay, I take a little small fork, I put it back, I get a large fork. And this went on for some time. And then she would kindly ask me can you please stop putting the sharp knives in the sink? Because after dinner she'd clean the dishes. See, I didn't want to do that. Why? Because I'm a neat freak. I like a clean kitchen. I want my counters clean and if there's a dirty knife on the sink it's not clean. I didn't want to do it From my perspective, I want a clean kitchen.
Speaker 1:And guess what happened After a few months? I'm like Daniel, because that's my name. Why am I being so difficult? Why can't I just bring my wife to large fork? Why can't I just leave the sharp knives inside of the sink? Because we have different perspectives in the relationship. I came with my perspective and she has her perspective, and we think we're right. See, I don't care which fork I eat. With my perspective, I don't care. Large fork, small fork, toothpick, tongs, tweezers, my fingers I don't care what I eat with. From my perspective, when I bring seven small forks to the table, I'm thinking to myself who cares? My little kids? They want the small fork. I don't care which one I eat with. So therefore my wife should not care. But I'm not in this for myself. Marriage is not about me. Marriage is about we, and I have to be able to see things from her perspective. And guess what? I started to bring my wife the large fork and I started to leave the sharp knives inside the sink. Was it hard for me to do? Nah, that was easy. You know what was hard For me? To get over my ego, that I thought I was right, because in a relationship, your ego is not your amigo. It kills relationships, destroys them.
Speaker 1:I have a chapter in my book called Sometimes you have to be Wrong to be Right. You can fight with your spouse and you know you're right, and you fight with them. You fight with them, finally give in. Did you win? You won the battle. You probably lost the war. But here's what's more important about this idea. What's important to you is important to me. Every time my wife walks into the kitchen and sees a large fork, every time she goes into the kitchen and sees a sharp knife on the side of the sink, she knows I'm thinking about it. But, what's more important, she knows I'm thinking about it for something that doesn't even matter to me. You want to build that emotional connection in that relationship. You want to have passion in that relationship which, by the way, when that emotional.
Speaker 1:It's interesting that in the Gemara in the Gemara it says the punishment in the Torah it says the punishment from a woman having an affair is much worse than a man having an affair. And the reason why this is a generalization, I'm telling you generalization, so very interesting. I have a whole therapy actually. I'm glad you got up. Ok, david KWONG Hold one second. The reason why is because when a woman is searching or trying to find somebody else to cheat on, it's because she's looking for an emotional connection. And when she finds a guy and has an emotional connection, that relationship is done with. When a man cheats, generally it's because of an opportunity and there's no connection for a guy, he's done with her. See you later Get out of the room. And that's why the punishment is worse for women than men. You might say that when times when women are treated, I've had to fight for equality and things like this. But there's a reason why. There's a reason to everything. And so every time my wife walks into the kitchen and she sees that large fork and the knives inside the sink, she knows I'm thinking about it for something that doesn't even matter to me and that helps the emotional connection with my wife. What's important to you needs to be important to me.
Speaker 1:Why is the fourth phase call is never leaving? Well, I was 34 at the time, had not been married. I dated a lot that's why I know I didn't get into a lot of dating ideas here, but that's how I had so much time Is that I went on my second date with her and I said to her I'm never leaving. I don't know what I meant. Bless you. I had no idea. I was not that mature and, of course, being a non-religious person, I wasn't going to say, oh, let's get married. I know some people who are religious get married on the second date or get engaged. I wasn't going to do that. And she says to me today you still haven't left. My blessing to you is that you may find the love of your life. May you live with this person in a passionate, loving relationship for the rest of your life and, if you have the right wisdom, this is something that is.