The Coach Ratner Podcast

Audiobook, Never Feel Unloved Again, Chapter 11

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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What happens when love and tragedy intersect with faith? Imagine the unwavering dedication of a babysitter who loves your children as her own—could this mirror the divine love we often seek in times of hardship? Join us on the Living Clarity Podcast as we explore these intriguing parallels and tackle the age-old question of why bad things happen to good people. Through personal anecdotes and profound reflections, we unravel the emotional complexities behind perceived disbelief and anger toward God, using rich examples from Jewish culture, including the profound teachings of Yom Kippur, to guide our exploration.

In another enlightening segment, we uncover the transformative potential of prayer in building self-esteem. What if the key to true contentment lies in shedding envy and ego? Discover how embracing gratitude and humility can lead to a fulfilling life, and learn about the REPEAT framework—a practical tool designed to enhance your prayer practice and personal growth. As we journey together, we prepare to dive deeper into the upcoming audiobook segment of "Never Feel Unloved Again," promising insights that will guide you towards a more meaningful and self-aware life.

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This is the Living Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner. We are now on Chapter 11 of the audiobook Never Feel Unloved Again.

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When I used to hire babysitters for my children, each teenager would engage with them differently. Some would sit on the couch and play on their phones by themselves, and others would play games with my kids, bake cookies and show them how to clean up after dinner. I recall once hiring a 14-year-old babysitter for our children. It was just a few weeks after the birth of our fifth child, with seven years no twins. We were planning on taking the baby out with us, not expecting a young girl to want to watch an infant along with four other small children. When she came over, she insisted she wanted to watch all the children, including the baby. She was extremely mature for her age and she not only cared for them but also engaged in activities like making muffins and playing games. She was amazing. We loved her. Of course, it is easy to see why we loved her so much. We loved her because she loved our children.

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This is the same with God he loves those that love his children. We have to get along with everyone in this world. We are not on an island where we can do what we want without any consequences. If we love other people, god will then love us back, just like we love our favorite babysitter. Wouldn't you rather be the favorite babysitter in God's eyes? This also means that we should love ourselves just like we love other people. A child that comes from an abusive home will always love his parents. It is themselves that they do not love. This is why, when we do not love ourselves, it is almost as if we are abusing ourselves.

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But first we must answer the common question why bad things happen to good people. This can be a barrier from people opening their hearts to a notion that there is a God. After all. We will delve into the four types of prayer. All this prep work is needed so when we do discuss prayer, you will have much more clarity on who it is you are praying to and what you are praying for. Why do good things happen to good people? Why do bad things happen to good people?

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I will occasionally encounter questions like why did the Holocaust happen? Or questions about very difficult personal hardships, all of which ultimately lead to a common underlying question why would God permit such adversity? How could God let this happen to me? If you do not believe in God. You would never ask a question about God, because how can you ask a question about something you don't believe in? I would never ask a question about Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. I know they don't exist, so why would I ever ask about them?

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When someone questions if there is a God, even though they say they don't believe in him, there must be something in the back of their mind that is causing this latent curiosity. What it usually boils down to is their lack of clarity on how to articulate their anger through a challenge they faced. A lack of clarity on how to articulate their anger through the challenge they faced. It is very easy, in this instance, to confuse not believing in God with actually being mad at God. A young man dressed in the casual attire typical of American teenagers strolls along the busy streets of Mea Shireen, a deeply religious neighborhood in Jerusalem. Although coming from a non-religious background, he finds himself delving deeper into his Jewish heritage. Suddenly, a man dressed in traditional religious attire points at him and yells You're not a Jew. Shocked by the encounter, the young man, visibly upset, runs to his rabbi overseeing his journey. The rabbi gently asks the young man why are you so upset. If you were to say the same thing to him, what do you think he would do? He would laugh, dismissing it as a second thought. When one lives with clarity in who they are as a person, they won't let someone else's negative comment bother them.

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In Israel, there's a notable kibbutz known for professing its anti-religious stance. They claim that they don't believe in God, which they have a right to do. On a side note, if you've ever been to Israel and learned about its survival, you would have a hard time not believing in God. Ironically, what is funny about their lack of belief in God is that they hold a barbecue every year on Yom Kippur. This is the holiest day of the year for Jews, in which Jews do not eat or drink for 25 hours. If they truly did not believe in God, they would never coincide the barbecue with Yom Kippur. The deliberate choice of that day suggests a motive rooted in spite signaling the message that we reject God. They are trying to send a message that we don't believe in God. So look what we are doing. We are desecrating a Jew's holiest day.

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Imagine if you live in a country where they celebrate a holiday, where everyone gets together to watch a four-hour football game, drinks beer and eats wings, guacamole and chips and salsa. If you did not like the sport, would you do something to show your distaste for the game? Maybe you would encourage large groups of like-minded people to protest outside the stadium to convince other people how dangerous or stupid the game is? I highly doubt it. You'd probably just have a normal Sunday where you would go shopping instead of watching the Super Bowl. For you, it is not an emotional issue, because you don't care With the case of the anti-religious kibbutz. If it was not an emotionally charged issue for them, they would just ignore the holiday and it would be just a regular work day.

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The question that someone is really asking when questioning the existence of God is why did this struggle happen to me? For those who have endured tragedy or significant challenges, this could be the most crucial answer they are looking for. The very first thing you need to ask yourself when wrestling with the question of why this tragedy happened to me is your question an emotional one or an intellectual one? If it is an intellectual one, such as why did I break my leg, then there is an answer for you. If it is a highly emotional question, like the death of someone you love very much, then there is no answer I or anyone can give you that is going to help.

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Emotions take a long time to heal and until a significant time has elapsed, there really is no answer that is going to help you. Consider this scenario A loving spouse has passed away and they are at the funeral drawing, leaning over the casket and sobbing why, why, why. An acquaintance of the spouse comes over and kneels next to them and says to them in a quiet, somber voice I am so sorry for your loss, but your spouse died because their third ventricle of their heart stopped working and the blood clot that formed traveled to the brain and eventually caused a massive stroke in which the brain stopped signaling the heart to beat, causing a failure in the intake of oxygen, which caused them to die. They respond oh, thank you. I feel so much better now. That would seem ridiculous. It seems ridiculous because there is no answer for the grieving spouse. No person will find solace in the detailed medical explanation of why they died. When you are highly emotional, there is no answer that will ever satisfy you.

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When someone asks a question about why the Holocaust happened, there is no answer that anyone can give that will satisfy them. It's because they are asking from emotions, not intellect. On the other hand, if you're asking from an intellectual point of view, then there may be some answers. Intellectually, you're asking why bad things happen to good people. That may be hard to hear when it refers to the depths of the inhumanity of the Holocaust, the October 7th massacre in Israel or many of the mass murders happening in schools in America. Intellectually, there are three answers to why bad things happen to good people. The first answer is negligence. Negligence is why bad things happen to good people. In many cases, this explains the occurrence of unfortunate events, although it's crucial to note that this explanation doesn't fully address the depth of the Holocaust and slumber disasters.

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A business associate recently told me a distressing story about his wife. Her ankle was broken and she is potentially crippled for the rest of her life. She was riding in a golf cart with her drunk cousin when he was driving recklessly, which caused the golf cart to flip over and resulting in severe injuries. After months in a hospital and lots of physical therapy, she is still struggling with the injuries. This all happened because of negligence on her cousin's part. Does she have any blame? If she was aware that he was drinking, then maybe there is some blame on her part for allowing herself to get into a car with him.

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Negligence becomes apparent in situations where individuals knowingly expose themselves to potential harm. As discussed earlier in the book, self-destructive behaviors are quite common for people with low self-esteem. This is always relevant when car accidents happen. Usually there is someone at fault, but even in many of those cases, the driver that is absolved from wrongdoing could have taken measures to prevent the accident, either by driving slower or anticipating the action of other drivers more carefully. Not everyone has this nuanced ability and awareness to predict future accidents on the road, but that is what a good driver does predicts potential accidents in advance and takes precautions to avoid them.

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The second reason why bad things happen to good people is measure for measure. This is what people will refer to as karma. This concept suggests that there is a reciprocal relationship between our actions and their consequences. If you treat others badly, then you will be treated badly by others. Our actions are done with a mirror right in front of us. Whatever we do has a corresponding impact right back into our lives.

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I was teaching a young group of women recently, and as soon as I started, a young lady raised her hand and said I don't believe in God. I believe everything happens for a reason. Try dissecting that comment for a minute. How can everything happen for a reason, but there is no entity who determines what that reason is. What she could have said is I don't believe in God. Everything in the world is random. This is akin to what we discussed in the earlier chapter on how you can cause others to have low self-esteem. Maybe your actions towards someone else are affecting the karma that's coming right back at you. In this case, something must be in control of that karma, because believing in karma and not believing in God is a contradiction.

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The third reason why bad things happen to good people is that it's good for you. This may be hard to accept, but this is true if seen in a broader perspective. The viewpoint is exemplified by historical events such as the Holocaust, where the horrors faced by the Jewish nation played a role in the restoration of the land of Israel. In essence, it suggests that sometimes, from a larger vantage point, challenging experiences contribute to positive developments. I always hear stories of people who are turned down for a job or by a school, or even by the person they are dating as soon as one door is closed, suddenly other opportunities open up that they may have never noticed if they were busy with their first opportunity. There is a saying that for every door God closes, another one opens up.

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So far in this chapter we have delved into several key concepts that should pave the way for exploration of prayer Recognition that the world extends beyond your existence and you have no control of it. Worrying causes unneeded stress. We can believe in God without actually having irrefutable evidence. Circumstantial evidence satisfies our convictions. For many of our beliefs, women and men are not made up of the same spiritual muscles. Praying is about nurturing a relationship.

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Gratitude to God mirrors the parent-child relationship. God gave us free will so we can get pleasure. Humans were created for pleasure. When we take pleasure in everything God gave us, we will have positive self-esteem. God loves those that love his children, so we should definitely learn to love others, especially ourselves. There are three reasons why bad things happen to good people. If it's an emotional question, there is good people. If it's an emotional question, there is no answer. If it's an intellectual question, then there are three answers negligence, karma and it's good for you. Hopefully, this may be a major shift in your perspective, suggesting that adversity may in some way be beneficial, including having low self-esteem. With this in mind, we can make a paradigm shift and live with the gratitude that everything that happens to us is good for us.

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The four steps to prayer to cure low self-esteem. As we approach the final remedy for addressing low self-esteem, I hope that the preceding 11 strategies have been valuable in guiding you towards gaining traction to more positive self-esteem and, ultimately, a more fulfilling life. Note to reader there are 11 strategies to cure low self-esteem, but as an audio book I haven't been posting them, mentioning them, because I just need to post as little posts as possible for the book. So you're getting all 11 of them, just don't know where they are. You can see them in the book. You can download for free at coachridercom, or I can give it to you if you're in Jerusalem, or you can obviously listen to what you're doing. Anyway, if prayer is a path you're considering to help you improve your low self-esteem, it would be helpful to know the steps involved so you could significantly enhance the likelihood of getting your prayers answered. We will use the acronym REPEAT to make it easier for you to remember the steps involved in your prayer.

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Acronyms are particularly useful for retaining information, especially after attending a class or lecture where the content may be overwhelming. How many times have you attended a fabulous lecture and wanted to give it the content over, but you couldn't remember it? This word is also relevant since prayer is a practice. You can repeat as many times as you want, and also do it anywhere in the world. When you decide to engage in prayer, you first need to remove the two E's, which represent envy and ego. This is the only sincere way to connect during a moment of prayer. Envy in essence implies a belief that there is an error in the divine world and that God made a mistake. Envy means that someone else has something you desire or that you don't want them to have. Either way, the world is not working the way you think it should be, and this misalignment in the grand scheme of the universe is causing you to be unhappy. It is hard to have clarity praying to God when you think he made a mistake.

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Envy and jealousy are often used interchangeably, though there are nuanced different distinctions between the two. Envy typically denotes a desire for another person's possessions, qualities or position in life. Many individuals use jealous in a similar context, such as when saying I am envious of his good fortune or I am jealous of his good fortune, with little change in meaning. However, where envy falls short, jealousy comes into play, particularly in situations involving suspicions of romantic infidelity. When someone suspects that a partner may be involved with another individual, they are described as experiencing jealousy. In such instances, he is a jealous husband cannot be substituted with he is an envious husband, without significant shift in meaning. Regardless of whether one opts for envy or jealousy, both terms imply dissatisfaction with the status quo. These emotions frequently originate from feelings of insecurity.

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Ego is essential for our survival and for thriving as a species. It provides a drive to earn a living and raise a family. However, when the ego becomes excessive, the quest for recognition and honor can lead to an inflated perspective of oneself. One cannot be real with prayer when they think the world revolves around them. This mindset, which probably stems from low self-esteem, often results in trouble, as evidenced by many examples of individuals who abuse their power. A principle to bear in mind, and one that I live with constantly, is your ego is not your amigo. This simple mantra serves as a reminder to keep our egos in check, preventing them from becoming enlarged. Limiting our ego increases a dose of humility Plus, people will think of you as a jerk. Enlarged egos often serve as the root cause of broken relationships and business failures. It's a realization that often becomes clear with age the recognition that one's enlarged ego might have been a source of numerous setbacks in life that could have been avoided. Unfortunately, I have been witness to this too many times in my life. I have seen the eventual outcomes of people whose egos were enlarged Eventually. The outcome is never positive for their lives.

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True contentment arises from being grateful for what one has. When the ego demands a constant pursuit of immaterial possessions, such as expensive cars or clothing, it typically stems from a lack of self-esteem. Individuals with robust self-esteem who love themselves, no matter what they drive or wear, are less prone to allowing their ego to dictate their lives. Their self-worth doesn't hinge on constant validation to their possessions or achievements. I like to think that God gave us each a check at birth representing our array of gifts and talents. Our job in life is to cash that check. The idea of a divine check encapsulates our physical and creative potential. When we are using our talents to their fullest, it's not us asserting how great we are, but rather a process of cashing in on the skills that God gave us.

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Tiger Woods started hitting golf balls from the remarkable young age of two years old. If I had started hitting golf balls at two years old, would I be as good as Tiger Woods? Not only would I not be as good. Making the PGA Tour would have been a bigger miracle than splitting the Red Sea. Hitting a golf ball into a small hole as few shots as possible was not the skill that God endowed me with. That was not included in the check that God wrote to me. He did not give me other unique skills that have set me on my own course. He did give me some other unique skills that have set me on my own course my gift of helping people and navigating relationships more effectively. This skill set has proven invaluable to create an awesome marriage for myself. While I might not wield a golf club like Tiger Woods, the gifts God gave me have paved the way for a fulfilling and meaningful journey.

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Imagine going to a bank with a $5,000 check and telling the teller just give me $4,000. That would seem insane. This is exactly what you are doing when you don't reach your potential in life. I can guarantee you that having low self-esteem was not part of the deposit that God made into your metaphorically speaking personal checking account. This perspective acknowledges that one's skills and abilities would not exist without the gifts from God. But understand that the size of the check is not a measure of superiority. You will live with more gratitude and humility, which will lead you to more happiness. Now that we've removed envy and ego from the equation, the last four letters of our acronym repeat are R-P-A-T. They stand for recognize, praise, ask and thanks. Let's explore this framework so we can gain the clarity to develop positive self-esteem, and we will continue next time with our audiobook of Never Feel Loved Again. This is Coach Radner at the Living Clarity Podcast.