The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
Whether you’re looking to unlock your full potential, cultivate meaningful relationships, or just to feel good about yourself, Coach Ratner is here to guide and inspire you every step of the way. Join the thousands who have already been transformed by Coach’s teachings and start your own journey towards success, fulfillment, and ultimately a passionate, loving relationship, with one person for the rest of your life.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Audiobook, Never Feel Unloved Again, Chapter 8
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Unlock the keys to bolstering your self-esteem with Coach Ratner on this enlightening episode of the Living in Clarity podcast. Ever wondered why achieving more doesn't always translate to feeling better? Join us as we explore transformative strategies like practicing gratitude and rejection therapy, which can significantly enhance your self-worth. We promise you'll gain a deeper understanding of how recognizing and valuing your inherent attributes, which often go unnoticed, can enrich your life immensely. Discover the powerful impact of making a list of non-material blessings and learn why facing rejection head-on—such as greeting strangers—can actually boost your confidence and resilience.
Journey with us as we discuss the importance of breaking away from familiar environments to foster personal growth. Drawing a parallel to how a cactus thrives in its natural habitat, we encourage you to step out of your comfort zone to realize your true potential. Coach Ratner shares anecdotes from teaching experiences in diverse settings like Jerusalem and Maryland, illustrating how new environments can supercharge learning and personal development. Additionally, we dive into the empowering effects of continuous learning on self-esteem. By embracing lifelong education and personal development, you can cultivate a fulfilling future brimming with confidence and self-worth. Tune in to transform your approach to self-esteem and personal growth today.
This is the Living in Clarity podcast. I'm Coach Ratner. We are continuing our audiobook of Never Feel Unloved Again, chapter 8, list of Attributes. Have you ever taken a moment to reflect on the remarkable attributes you possess? Consider these functions you have when you wake up that you probably take for granted the ability to walk in the bathroom, all the holes in your body working correctly, the gift of sight and the ability to hear the morning bird's chirp these are some of the greatest gifts bestowed upon you. It often takes you losing them to really appreciate them. When we suffer challenges to our health, to experience genuine happiness, make a list of all the things you have that money can't buy. To elevate your self-esteem, consider visiting a children's hospital or an old age home. Such experiences have a profound way of building appreciation for one's own circumstances. It's when we encounter individuals facing poverty, destitution, illness or physical limitations, like being confined to a wheelchair, that we gain a heightened perspective on our own place in life, prompting a sense of gratitude and self-worth.
Speaker 1:Picture a scene at a stoplight on Wilshire Boulevard where a man in his older-looking Honda comes to a halt at the stoplight. In the adjacent lane a sleek BMW pulls up, catching his eye. The Honda driver can't help but think I'd treat you with a day when I can afford a car like that. Right beside the Honda, an aging Chrysler showing signs of rust and dings comes to a creaking stop. The Chrysler's driver gazes at the Honda and wishes that someday I will be able to own a reliable vehicle like that. Then a cyclist rolls up to the same intersection. As he pedals to a stop, he thinks to himself one day I hope to own a clunker, so I won't have to bike to work. And then a pedestrian waiting for the light to change says to himself I can't wait for the day when I have a bicycle of my own to ride to school. Finally, as the traffic light is counting down, a man in a wheelchair watches the world go by. He whispers to himself I wish for nothing more than to have my legs back so I can walk on my own.
Speaker 1:The moral to the story is that when we sink when we always sink we will be happier with something more than we have, when in reality we should be happy with what we possess. What we have would bring joy to many people. Being aware of your list of attributes can be a powerful tool to help you live with gratitude. When you have the attitude of gratitude towards life experiences, you can begin the journey towards healing low self-esteem. If your life is based on comparison, you will always fall short. Make a list of your attributes and embrace a life of gratitude. You will never have to worry about having low self-esteem again. Rejection therapy the more you get used to facing rejection regardless of the circumstances, the more your self-esteem can soar. It may seem paradoxical, but consider this Professions like door-to-door salespeople often showcase remarkable self-esteem.
Speaker 1:Despite encountering many closed doors, they persist. Recognizing each rejection brings them closer to a successful sale assists. Recognizing each rejection brings them closer to a successful sale. I came across the teachings of Wayne Hoffman, a globally renowned mentalist, who emphasizes the crucial lesson that achieving more yeses in life often involves encountering more noes. In one of his demonstrations, hoffman invited an audience volunteer to join him at the front, equipped with a two-sided yes-no coin. He proposed a deal the volunteer had 30 seconds to make as many flips as possible, earning $20 for each yes and facing no repercussions for landing a no. With enthusiasm, the volunteer engaged in the coin flipping challenge, securing seven yes responses alongside an almost equal number of nos. Hoffman promptly rewarded their efforts with $140 in cash. The insightful lesson emerged the quantity of yeses outweighs the significance of no's, and taking more chances increases the likelihood of encountering both.
Speaker 1:While facing rejection is a common aspect of our pursuits. The potential negative consequences are typically minimal, involving brief discomfort or embarrassment. Conversely, a yes often leads to positive outcomes on various fronts. This is precisely why Hoffman ensured there was no financial loss or penalty for slipping a no. In a real-world example, without the same level of clarity, the individual would likely have overthought the situation and might not have taken action. This is counterproductive. If you take more chances, the ratio of yeses to noes may not change. While you'll get lots of noes, you will get more yeses. If you see a person who appears to have received a lot of yeses, you can be sure they've also been rejected many times as well.
Speaker 1:A critical element in getting more of what we seek is enduring plenty of rejections along the way. Just to be clear, flipping a no in a coin toss is not the same feeling of rejection that you would get if you got turned down for a job or dumped by your boyfriend, but it is this precise way of thinking that will help you to build yourself up into the person that does not feel rejection. In fact, you may even learn to thrive on it. Engaging in rejection therapy is a powerful tool for cultivating confidence and boosting self-esteem. An effective way to practice this is by making a habit of saying hello to every person you pass on the street. While it might seem a bit strange, this simple act serves as a valuable exercise to strengthen your ability to handle rejection. The idea is that the more you experience rejection, even in seemingly trivial situations like greeting strangers on the street, the more resilient you become. This newfound resilience can significantly ease the process of facing rejection in more significant areas of life, such as job applications or asking someone out on a date.
Speaker 1:When I have the desire to say hello to everyone I pass on the street, I seize the opportunity and do it. Every interaction is a chance to build my confidence and self-esteem. I will even vary how I greet people hey, how's it going? Hi, hello, hey, I like your shirt, hat, shoes or whatever else is sticking out like a sore thumb. Sometimes I will even change my voice to make it sound slightly funny. Hello, how's it going?
Speaker 1:When I was in my early 20s, I used to have a hard time getting a date. My friend Barry taught me that I have to look at dating just as a batter faces down a pitcher in baseball. If you don't swing at the ball, you will never hit a home run. I know it seems like a simple concept, but this little analogy gave me so much more confidence. The legacies of such players as Bryce Harper and Babe Ruth are not made for remembering them for their strikeouts, but for how many home runs they hit. So look at striking out as part of the overall picture, not what you will be remembered for, and you won't be afraid to swing at the ball. Once you start to get desensitized to being rejected, then your self-esteem will start to build.
Speaker 1:Here are a few other ideas that you can use to help you Be overly nice to salespeople or waiters. Try to strike up a conversation by asking them where they are from or if they like their job Offer to buy the person who is next to you in the Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts line a coffee. This will really make your day and theirs as well. You may even strike up a conversation with them. It's only a few bucks and it's much cheaper than going to a therapist. When you get your receipt on the plane, immediately say hello to the person who's sitting next to you, although you don't have to say anything else. You just took away any awkwardness that there might have been.
Speaker 1:I was once on a recent flight from Pittsburgh to New York and during the train ride to the gates I noticed a person from a different background than mine, possibly a Muslim. He seemed to take an interest in me, possibly because I was wearing a kippah, a yarmulke. At one point our eyes met and I couldn't help, but Kind of like he wanted to kill me. Now, in the past I might have been nervous or scared, but I just smiled and thought about what this poor guy must be going through. Here is just a guy going to work in a restaurant at the airport and then he sees me, and then he allows himself to have this anger build up inside of him. I started to feel bad for him that he has to go through life not being able to control his emotions. After about 10 seconds of being concerned, I did not let it bother me anymore. After about 10 seconds of being concerned, I did not let it bother me anymore and I went on with my day. It's because I've allowed myself to get rejected enough times that I won't let someone else's issues ruin my self-esteem or even my day. Rejection therapy really does work and it will make you a much happier person with a higher level of self-esteem. So go out and get rejected. Familiar and comfortable are not the same.
Speaker 1:Have you ever noticed how the price of a bottle of water can vary depending on where you buy it? In a typical grocery store, you may expect to pay about $1 for a bottle. At the gym, that price may jump to $2. Head to a convention center and you're likely looking at $3 for the same bottle, and if you attend a concert or a sports event, be prepared to shell out $4 or $5. Now you may wonder what justifies these varying prices for a simple bottle of water. The truth is the actual product doesn't change at all. It's the same water. The difference in cost is entirely based on the location and the context. Grocery stores generally offer competitive prices, striving to stay on par with their nearby competitors. This means you'd feel taken advantage of if they charged you $5 for that bottle of water. In contrast, at a concert or sports venue, you may grumble about the price, but the convenience and experience factor in People are willing to often pay more for these settings, which can make the $30 you shell out for a hot dog, french fries and beer seem more palatable. So next time you contemplate the cost of that bottle of water, remember that it's not about the water itself, but where you are and the value placed on the convenience at that moment.
Speaker 1:To bolster your self-esteem and cultivate your sense of self-worth, you may need to get out of a familiar place that does not place a high value on you. Familiarity is a nice thing, but only if you are truly happy where you are. That familiar place may give you a sense of security, but it may be placing a low value on you. You may have bought into that perception that is keeping you from thriving. Much like the value of a bottle of water depends on your location, your self-worth can be heavily influenced by your surroundings. Here are some compelling reasons why breaking away from the familiar can be immensely beneficial. Exploring different environments and leaving what you are familiar with can be an eye-opening experience. It can help you appreciate, or not appreciate, the value of the place you are familiar with and whether it truly aligns with your best interests.
Speaker 1:Often it's easy to take for granted what we have until it's no longer there. You might have been in an unhealthy environment, mistakenly associating it with comfort merely because it was familiar. It's crucial to recognize that familiarity and comfort are not always synonymous. While something familiar can be comforting, being comfortable doesn't always necessitate familiarity. Being in a familiar place doesn't automatically mean it's the right place for you. Breaking away from the familiar and embracing potentially comforting but unfamiliar situations can significantly boost your self-esteem. Sometimes you may find yourself in a toxic relationship. Even if it feels familiar, it takes stepping out of it to realize how detrimental it was for your well-being. What you once considered comforting may in reality have been nothing more than a familiar pattern. What you once considered comforting may in reality have been nothing more than a familiar pattern, and not only is it not comforting but harmful for you.
Speaker 1:Being in a new, unfamiliar environment could also introduce you to people who prioritize personal growth, ultimately aiding you in reaching your full potential. Embracing new experiences will allow you to open up ways that being in the same old place will never achieve. It's kind of like a cactus that is sitting in your window sill in Manhattan. It never surpasses more than five or six inches in height, yet when you take that same cactus and plant it in the desert of Arizona, it can flourish and grow to be 10 feet tall or more. This disparity exists because the window sill in New York City is not the right environment for a cactus and needs to be where it can thrive.
Speaker 1:It is possible that where you are in your life, you are stunting your growth and you're limiting the heights of your self-esteem. Stepping out of familiar situations increases your confidence and you will have a more secure sense of who you are as a person. I see this all the time where I teach in Jerusalem. Students from diverse backgrounds come from all over the world to absorb wisdom. These students quickly figured out that being in their usual familiar environment was a handicap. When they get away from their familiar environment with their families, which they originally thought was comfortable, they display remarkable willingness to learn and grow. They find that their new environment aligns more with their ideals and aspirations. After a few days of classes, many of these students have gone against their parents' wishes and stayed longer than they intended.
Speaker 1:I used to hold scotch and sushi events in my house when I lived in Maryland. It consisted of about 30 minutes of schmoozing, followed by a 30-minute class on Jewish spirituality that incorporated a strong focus on personal growth. I would normally invite about 50 people, but usually only between 8 and 12 would show up. The people that showed up really enjoyed my classes. The topics seemed to open up their minds because the discussions would go sometimes on for hours. When I do a similar event in Jerusalem, I can only invite about 10 people. It's not the difference in the size of the space that I have to consider between the two cities, it's the amount of people that show up. If I invited 50 people in Jerusalem, 150 people would show up. It would be a complete opposite turnout from having that in Maryland.
Speaker 1:This is why getting out of some new environments can help you improve your low self-esteem. Whether or not they are comfortable, this is how you improve your resilience. Resilience is the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties. I personally believe that lack of resilience is the reason for someone's depression or low self-esteem. This lack of resilience probably stems from too much comfort in our life. Life is too easy. Everything is available to us at all times. We are living the best time in the history of the world, although many believe that our children will not be as well off as this current generation. It may be only that way. As far as financial wealth, with the massive increase in technology and efficiencies in all parts of our lives, our children may be less wealthy, but they won't need as much money to get the same benefits as we have now.
Speaker 1:You can write many books on the advancements that we have in our lives today compared to just 50 years ago. One of the most incredible advancements has been the availability of information and consumer goods. Has the advancements made us any happier as individuals? If you're reading this book, then probably not. It was not that long ago. If you ordered something by mail, it would take a few weeks. Now, with same-day delivery, there is nothing we can't get almost instantly. Who ever thought that you could have a personal computer in your pocket that would have access to all the information in the world? The phones we have in our pockets are now more powerful than any of the Apollo spacecraft that went to the moon. The iPhone 6 can perform instructions 120 million times faster than the best Apollo spacecraft computers. You wouldn't be wrong saying that an iPhone could be used to guide 120 million Apollo era spacecraft to the moon all at the same time. You would think that all this access to affordable, lightning-fast information, instant communication, food and consumers' goods would make us the happiest generation ever. The poorest people today in America have comforts that the most wealthy people from 100 years ago could never have imagined. If we are so comfortable, why are we so miserable?
Speaker 1:In Rabbi Stephen Barz's book when he writes about how, when we look back at our lives, sometimes the most meaningful times were when we were at the most uncomfortable time of our life. The reason for this is because, besides resilience, living with a purpose brings meaning into our lives. Having meaning and purpose are the most valuable ways to live with strong self-esteem. Purpose, being forward-looking and meaning is something you look back on when you have purpose in life. That creates meaning. Both of these will also help increase resilience in a personalist mentality, while building resilience will help you get through difficult situations, as you will read about in the next excerpt. You will find yourself not having to deal with low self-esteem later in life. Excerpt from Rabbi Barz's book Win. Let me take you back to my high school, an all-boys facility in life. Excerpt from Rabbi Barz's book Win, let me take you back to my high school, an all-boys facility in London.
Speaker 1:My teacher's generation saw the first world war and reveled in the glow, albeit dimming, british empire. And yet, relative to the life my teacher had growing up, it was we, the new generation, that were really living the life, the dream life. It was a new age in everything. The quality of life was unmatched in the history of humanity. Technology, health and wealth were so much more greater than anything previous. And so it annoyed me. No, and when people of that generation would tell us it was they who really had it good. Why did it irk me so? Because there was nothing that I could find in the history to justify such fond reminiscence. As such, I concluded a strange truth. My English teacher must be right. Why? Because no matter who I asked, whatever their age, their paths were always the good old days. This led me to a most paradoxical conclusion that one day in my future I too will look back at this present as the good old days. The time that many of them were referring to was the good old days was the Blitz of London, which, by all accounts, was some of the darkest days in Europe In pure quality of life. Their latter days were so much better than the former. How could their past be the good old days and not their present. It took me four decades to figure it out, but this will explain it.
Speaker 1:Youth places a high value on the future. That mechanism can make any time great, no matter how bad it really is. It's like the day your parents announced you're going to Disneyland, the day you got in gigs, the day you won the lottery. That day is full of expression of a great future. That day, because it's full of expectation of a great future, makes it phenomenal, no matter what condition your day is in now. That teacher had fond memories of his youth because at that time he looked forward to his future and even though those early days were really terrible and his latter days great, it makes no difference. It's his youth that he misses. Plus, when he finally got to that anticipated future, there was now little to look forward to. Thus, by default, the older people get, the less they enjoy their present, even though this, the present, is the tomorrow they were always looking forward to. I know this is complicated, but it's really key to your success. So please excuse me as I try to restate it another way, so that it will be clear.
Speaker 1:It's 1945. You weigh 75 pounds. Every single member of your family is dead or murdered. You own nothing, literally, except a ragged shirt on your back. However, news reaches you that your camp Auschwitz has been liberated and the Allies have won the war Forevermore. That day will be the best day of your life. Not the day you land in America, not the day you marry, not the day you have your first child and not the day you make your first million dollars. These events pale compared to that day in 1945. For this simple reason, on that day, the future was glowing, blazing bright. No matter how good or how bad your day is, it's the future that makes your day.
Speaker 1:Those who were children of London during the World War II worked very hard at making their future lives better, and, by all accounts, they succeeded gloriously. We live in that world that they created, and it's far better than the world they were born into. Yet it's their youth that they miss. Do you realize what happened here? They didn't end up enjoying life more, even though their lives were better. You too are not going to enjoy the world. You are desperately trying to create as much as the life you have now. I have nothing against improving people's living conditions. It's a lovely thing to enjoy life, but increasing the quality of your life does not necessarily equate to an equal amount of enthusiasm for that life. If anything, and much to many people's chagrin, it's an inverse relationship. As we mentioned above, the Holocaust survivor has an incredible day, on the day he was liberated, simply because he foresees a great future. But as he inches closer toward that future, he proportionally loses his excitement.
Speaker 1:People engage in the most futile attempts to avoid this rule. Denial can keep you going for a long time and substance abuse can stretch it out a little longer, but eventually everyone over the age of approximately 35 will have to face, in some form of awareness or another, that they enjoyed life a lot more when they were kids. Don't mistake my words. Few of us want to go back to living as we did, and even if we could, that is not the solution. Even the Holocaust survivor will agree to that. It's not the things that we had that we miss. It's the things we expected to have that gave us our excitement. This is what we are missing now. Trading in your minivan for a red Ferrari is not going to have any greater impact on your life than when you got your minivan in the first place. It's not a change in your outer world that is a need, but the inner one?
Speaker 1:Think back to when you were six years old. The idea that tomorrow you're going to Disneyland made tomorrow an incredibly high, incalculably high, number. As whatever age you are now, going to Disneyland is no longer to have the same impact. Why? Because you've been to Disneyland and the fantasy is really as exciting as the real thing. As a student told me when he got his first Porsche, only one is nice, but the anticipation was better. You just can't replay that movie again and enjoy it the same way. Once you taste it and realize it isn't that great, then you cannot recreate that anticipation, and it's the anticipation that gives life its excitement and thrill. Simply put, there is nothing you can do today to make today great. To make today great, you need a phenomenal tomorrow. So how do you make tomorrow phenomenal?
Speaker 1:Plan for something that you are not familiar with or maybe not that comfortable doing. Embrace new experiences that you may have otherwise have never done. Go to a movie by yourself. Theaters are usually empty in the late morning when they start showing films. Hike to an area you've never been to before. Go to lunch by yourself at a restaurant that you may have never considered going to Take public transportation to a mall or museum. You've never been to Write a blog or an article. That's something you are passionate about. Go to an unfamiliar cafe to write your article.
Speaker 1:Take a class you may never have considered before. Go to a concert, especially one where you can sing along. Familiarity is comforting, but comforting does not have to be familiar. Although getting out of your comfort zone will help you cure your low self-esteem, the irony lies in the fact that this act becomes familiar over time, prompting the need for continuous exploration. Then you will be in this endless loop of having to get away from what is familiar and do it all over again.
Speaker 1:Exploring new avenues of learning is a proven strategy to enhance your self-esteem. Consider individuals who consistently enroll in classes and pursue additional education degrees throughout their lives. These individuals often possess robust self-esteem because they actively seek opportunities for personal development and growth and growth. Embracing a continuous learning mindset not only expands your knowledge, but also instills a sense of accomplishment and confidence, contributing to a positive self-image as you consistently pursue activities that bring you joy, each moment contributes to the creation of a phenomenal tomorrow. In essence, your continuous journey becomes the ultimate destination, and this approach is key to maintaining a high level of positive self-esteem throughout your life. This is Coach Ratner at the Learning 30 Podcast. We'll see you next time.