The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
Whether you’re looking to unlock your full potential, cultivate meaningful relationships, or just to feel good about yourself, Coach Ratner is here to guide and inspire you every step of the way. Join the thousands who have already been transformed by Coach’s teachings and start your own journey towards success, fulfillment, and ultimately a passionate, loving relationship, with one person for the rest of your life.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Audiobook-Never Feel Unloved Again, Chapter 7
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What if you could shield yourself from draining influences and truly thrive in your personal and emotional life? Join me, Coach Ratner, on the Living Clarity Podcast as we unlock the secrets to protecting your self-esteem and well-being from emotional vampires and negative external forces. This episode shines a light on the subtle yet profound impact of our surroundings—from the people we keep close to the media we consume. Discover how to recognize and manage the five types of emotional vampires: the victim, the narcissist, the drama queen, the socially awkward, and certain relatives or in-laws. With practical strategies to create a nurturing environment, we explore ways to set boundaries and foster positivity that fuels your happiness.
Take a closer look at how media and marketing play into our insecurities, often chipping away at our self-esteem by projecting unrealistic narratives. By embracing our core values and understanding their evolution, we learn to make choices that reflect our true selves. We discuss the power of saying no, the value of critical thinking, and living a life aligned with what genuinely matters. Embark on this journey with us, empowering yourself to craft an authentic life that's resilient against external pressures and full of self-worth. Listen in, and start building your metaphorical fence around happiness today.
This is Coach Ratner at the Living in Clarity Podcast. We are continuing with our audiobook Never Feel Unloved Again, chapter 7. Controlling your Exposure, emotional Vampires and Critical Thinking. Imagine you had a garden blooming with stunning flowers. If you happened to notice that they were starting to wilt, would you blame the flowers? Would you call the seed manufacturer and complain about the seeds? It seems unlikely. More likely, you'd likely check the surroundings of the flower bed. You would make sure that they were receiving ample water, sunlight and nutrient-rich soil.
Speaker 1:We also thrive or wither emotionally based on our environment. Placing ourselves in the wrong environment lowers our self-esteem, preventing our inner light from shining. It's crucial to ensure that your surroundings contribute to your happiness and don't drag you down in life. Just as a flower needs the right conditions to bloom, we also need the right conditions to realize our fullest potential and share our brilliance with the world. This is why controlling your exposure is such an important element to your positive self-esteem. You are the gatekeeper to your brain. It's crucial to keep out what makes you feel bad and stay focused on what makes you happy. If any activity or interaction caused you to have low self-esteem, stay clear of it. This certainly includes people who bring you down. There is a reason that certain people are called downers, or what I like to call emotional vampires. While, in theory, external factors such as people shouldn't affect your self-esteem, the reality is that they can. Emotional vampires are people who suck the energy out of you and cause you to be emotionally drained. Just like being aware of how you affect other people's self-esteem will help you to be more cognizant of your own understanding, people who drain you of energy will do the same thing. There are five categories of people or personality traits that may be causing this draining of your energy in your life. These may be people whose name you dread seeing on a text notification on your calendar or on a guest list. You may be in a relationship with them. They may be a co-worker or, most likely, a relative of yours. Recognizing people who are emotional vampires will bring you clarity, because who you hang out with is an important predictor of your emotional health. It does not mean you can't associate with the vampires. It just means that you need to define healthy boundaries.
Speaker 1:The five types of emotional vampires Number one the victim Loves to let people know how they're getting the short end of the stick in life. They blame their misfortune on others and take no responsibility for their own actions. Everyone else is to blame and they will drag you down to their pessimistic level when you're with them. Number two the narcissist. Narcissists only care about themselves and their own problems. They tend to take up all the oxygen in the room and need to be the center of attention. Typically, after you spend time with a narcissist, you realize you barely got a word in and they never ask you a single question about your life. They have a strong need to feed their desire for attention and admiration. They lack empathy for others and have an unrealistic view of their importance. They may be hourly charming, but after some time with them you find them that they leave you drained.
Speaker 1:Number three the drama queen. They seek out and relish drama. You can easily spot these people in your social media feed because they're always oversharing everything they experience, good or bad. They exaggerate beyond the norm to show what horrible experience they had to go through. Number four the socially awkward. These are people who are difficult to be with because of their awkwardness. Usually, they are tolerable to be with when they are in a large group. Socializing one-on-one is difficult and draining. It is possible that this can be someone who is on the spectrum of having Asperger's. People who are unaware that they have a social disorder are usually easier to socialize with because they learn how to compensate for the deficiencies. It is the ones who are not aware of it that are difficult, although they can help it. Knowing they have it will make you more tolerant and accepting.
Speaker 1:Number five relatives, spouses or in-laws. Not only can they be one of the four categories above, if you are not related to them, you would have much more empathy towards them. Not all our relatives are vampires. It's just that they have a different relationship with us than anyone else. You have no choice in that you have to interact with them, so that makes associating them a little more volatile. It is possible they are not emotional vampires with anyone else except you. The example I like to use is one of my two daughters were fighting over a pair of shoes. If they were best friends, there would have been no argument. You may be best friends with your mom if she was not your mom. It's just that the ones closest to us can cause them to be more sensitive and emotional.
Speaker 1:Set boundaries with people that have to be in your life that are causing you low self-esteem If they do not have to be in your life. Consider avoiding them or, at a minimum, take control of your exposure to them. Besides giving them a copy of this book, here are a few more ideas to control your exposure. One no one needs an all-access pass to your life. Number two you don't have to respond immediately to texts from those who need your attention. And number three newly married couples may need to move away from parents or in-laws. You have the potential to be as happy as the people around you, so put yourself in the right environment to protect your happiness. This includes the people you listen to on podcasts or the authors of the books you read. Surround yourself with inspiration only engaging with material that uplifts and motivates you. This is the same for any social media that you may be addicted to. If it is causing you negative emotions or impacting your mental health, delete it. You will feel liberated and will feel a profound sense of freedom. I know many people who have deleted Facebook and Instagram and they could not be happy with the decision. Although it may be challenging, you may find yourself a significantly more joyful person.
Speaker 1:If attending a social event like a party leads you feeling uncomfortable or unhappy. It's important to prioritize your own well-being rather than succumbing to peer pressure from a friend who insists you go. On a personal note, I receive many wedding invitations. Most of those weddings don't end until early morning hours. As someone who values going to bed early, staying past 10 pm ata wedding makes me unhappy. I've communicated to my wife that eating a late dinner, which sometimes isn't served until after 11 pm, isn't this something I want to do, even only occasionally. Thankfully, she shares the sentiment and together we've decided that for future invitations we'll attend the ceremony and skip the dinner and dancing.
Speaker 1:This choice may not have crossed my mind in my early 30s or 40s, but as I embrace my inner cranky old man, prioritizing my happiness has taken precedence. It's a shift towards doing what brings me joy and avoiding what detracts from it, a conscious decision to make my well-being a priority when it comes to social events. In the past, when acquaintances on the street would suggest, hey, let's get together, my default response was always a polite yes. However, now that I've gained more control over my self-esteem, you may hear this response no, thank you. It's not necessarily about disliking the person. It could be that they're not a favorite of mine, but more likely, it's just. I am just more intentional with my time. Every activity I engage in needs to serve a purpose, and if meeting with an acquaintance is just a schmooze, I may choose not to invest my time in it, unlike those who can leisurely spend hours at a coffee house reading the newspaper. I'm not one of those people anymore. I've adopted a more purpose-driven approach to how I use my time, and that includes either while waiting in line at the grocery store.
Speaker 1:Have you ever wondered why the gossip magazines that are by the checkout line in the grocery store rarely showcase blissful marriages? It seems that most headlines feature divorces and breakups, especially when affairs flings and large amounts of monies are involved. The truth is, editors of magazines and entertainment shows understand that dysfunctional relationships tend to capture more attention than healthy ones. Unfortunately, the media thrives on bad news because it sells, so they just overlook the heartwarming stories of couples deeply in love for decades. Those are exactly the kinds of relationships we should be reading about and emulating. Constant exposure to this kind of dysfunction can erode your self-esteem, so it's wise to consider reducing your consumption of news about the cost of other people's lives.
Speaker 1:Let's get back to the purpose of the marketing executives on Madison Avenue. Their job is to think about ways to make you feel bad about yourself so that you will buy the product they are selling. Their job is to try to find that emotional selling point, or as referred to as ESP. This is where you feel like you are not happy, unless you own their product. For sure it is exciting when you see the latest car commercial or see young men drinking Modela, a special beer, with stunning models hanging on their arms. That excitement is rooted for our own insecurities, as we subconsciously believe that acquiring these products or even these models will lead to a better life. This could lead us to having low self-esteem for two reasons. If we are not able to spend the money on what they are selling, then we feel inadequate because we are not wealthy enough to have it. If we can't afford to buy what they are selling, then we might buy the product and then regret it later because that quick burst of endorphins that we received in the first few days of owning it eventually disappeared. This can lead to post-purchase regret as we question the reason behind spending money on something that in retrospect, didn't bring the lasting satisfaction we anticipated.
Speaker 1:Have you ever observed the products sold on cruise ships or the first stores you see at ports where cruise ships dock, or those nearest to casinos in places like Las Vegas. They often feature jewelry and art. I can't be the only one to go on vacation in Mexico and buy a souvenir like a sombrero, only to later question why I acquired something I really have no use for. This happens because during travel, we are usually in a positive emotional state, influenced by the excitement of being in new surroundings. When your emotions are high, you are more likely to use your credit card. Art and jewelry most likely will have the highest market with any product you can buy. Sometimes it can be 10 times the wholesale cost, especially for something that is one of a kind. With one of a kind items, there is no way for you to compare shopping. Marketing executives know how our mind works and that's why they know where to place these products where your emotions are highest.
Speaker 1:I have a rule that I don't buy any tchotsky that's Yiddish for a small decorative item or souvenir, usually of no particular value, when I'm traveling. You might say to yourself but I really do like the Italian Murano glass I bought in Venice, italy. That's true. You still like it, or pretend to say you still like it because you don't want to admit it was an emotional purchase. No one likes to admit they made a mistake, so they cover it up with their regret with I still like it After your kids break some of them. And then you break some of them while cleaning off the dust.
Speaker 1:Eventually that excitement wears off and you might come to admit that those vacation purchases weren't so wise. If this does happen in a few years after the purchase, it's only what happens when you try to downsize and sell your house. If this does happen in the few years after the purchase, it's really what happens when you try to downsize and sell your house. Then you'll come to accept that most of these purchases were for nothing when your garage is full of junk that you have no use for. Understanding that you are emotionally happier when traveling and will more likely spend money on things you don't need will help you to be aware and in more control of your self-esteem. The only sombrero you should ever buy is the upside-down one made into a pottery dish for chips and salsa. At least that one you'll use more than once in your life.
Speaker 1:Exercising critical thinking is also a good idea. When consuming news, you must understand the source, its context and the motives of the one reporting it. Media outlets carry biases that shape their reporting, whether intentional or not, which can influence how they report. This became particularly evident during the 2019 pandemic. There was probably lots of low self-esteem caused from the constant blaring of news about masks and vaccines. Whether it was the severity of the disease or the effectiveness of certain measures like lockdowns and school closings, it was enough to give you anxiety. You should have the attitude that anything you hear, especially from the news Source, it's sensationalized in one way or the other. Positive reports may not be as optimistic as portrayed and negative events might not be as dire as they seem. Remember that the media's primary aim is to capture and retain your attention.
Speaker 1:Critical thinking is a necessary skill to develop in today's information-saturated world. If you're not critically thinking, you put yourself at risk to develop low self-esteem. Build a fence around your happiness and exercise control over your exposure by removing anything that diminishes your self-esteem. I know it may be hard, but it's also hard in your emotional state to feel bad about yourself. In the end, both choices are hard, so choose the hard that gets you to where you are happy with yourself, or else you'll end up hosting parties with emotional vampires sucking the energy out of you while serving them chips and salsa and ceramic sombreros.
Speaker 1:Discovering and living with your core values. Do you know what your core values are? Can you list them, if you were asked? There is one reason why your core values are important in helping improve your self-esteem. If you don't know what they are, when it comes to making a choice in life, your decisions may be influenced by someone else's values, not your own. Core values are an individual or even an organization's fundamental beliefs that drive their behavior, actions and decision making. They are considered an essential part of one's identity. They help a person prioritize their goals and purpose in life. Defining your core values will help you to avoid any low self-esteem.
Speaker 1:If you don't know what they are, you may be struggling in life. It is very similar to what someone perceives as success in life. If you don't define it yourself, someone else will probably end up doing it for you. You might go through life without having an idea what success is, and then you may blow right by it without realizing it. You may even go through a midlife crisis because you had no clarity about what success is and missed it. Maybe you thought your definition of success is actually someone else's definition. The same is true regarding your core values.
Speaker 1:I thought a lot about my core values in life and what guides me. If you had asked me in my 20s, I might not have known what they were. The more I have lived life, the more I know what is important to me and what is not important to me. I understand your values may not be so clear when you were younger. You just have not lived long enough to see the outcome of your actions. There is an idea that you don't really have wisdom until you are 50 years old. I can say that there is some truth to that. The following are a list of some of my core values I've acquired throughout the years. Many of the following I discovered through my writings and classes I teach. These are what I call nuggets of wisdom.
Speaker 1:It is good to have these mantras in your brain so you can recall them when needed. Some of them are think before you speak. Use your speech for peace, not conflict. Live in clarity, not contradiction. Always compliment, never criticize.
Speaker 1:The journey of life is the end game. For every good thing that happens to you, something bad will come out of it. For anything bad that happens to you, something good will come out of it. Thank God for all the good in your life as well as the bad. Life is not about getting things, but becoming someone. The greatest transformation you will make in your life is when you believe in yourself as much as God believes in you. We are human beings, not human doings. Your ego is not your amigo. You can never negotiate with someone when they are emotional. Live for your soul and you will end up with the body that your ego is happy with. The two happiest days are the boat owner or the day he buys the boat and the day he sells the boat. It's your job to change the world, not let the world change you.
Speaker 1:If you are not sure of what your values are, the easiest way is to start off with finding someone you admire for their positive characteristics and qualities. This can be your grandmother, a teacher or a social media person that you follow. Make a list of what it is that you admire about them. That can be a good starting point. Chances that words like disciplined, kind and selfless may come into your vernacular. If you are having trouble coming up with your core values, here are some other ways to help you define them. What brings you joy in life? List the values that are needed to achieve that joy. For example, if you appreciate how celebrities are admired and respected, that means you want to feel like you are admired and respected for who you are. Your value should be to pursue endeavors that earn you the respect and admiration of others. This includes how you treat other people, because people will treat you like you treat them.
Speaker 1:Have you gone through a situation that made you feel uncomfortable or conflicted? List the values needed so you won't feel fallen for that same situation. Maybe you were in a business and feel that you were cheated. Is it possible that there was no clear communication of the roles and responsibilities that each of you played in the deal? Maybe your core values should be anticipating situations that can come up in a business deal and making sure that you have answers to any problems that may arise. Are there some values that are non-negotiable? What are some things that would make you cringe if you ever saw someone else do them? Have you ever been in a shopping mall and saw a mother berate her children? If that makes you uncomfortable, maybe controlling your anger is one of your core values.
Speaker 1:Is there something you would be willing to die for? General Patton told his troops before he sent them into battle with the Nazis. You think your job is to die for your country. Your job is not to die for your country. Your job is to get the other guy to die for his. Instead of dying for the things you believe in, live for the things you believe in. Prioritize the most important things in your life. If you have children, maybe your core value would be family first.
Speaker 1:Are you living in contradiction with your values? Do you talk a big game but don't actually hold back what you preach? Imagine if I asked a classroom full of people if they did any acts of kindness to anyone in the past three days. I would venture to guess that the entire room full of hands would go up. Then, if asked each person something specific that they acted kind upon, I would get a bunch of blank stares. I would get a bunch of blank stares. I would then tell the class maybe they only do acts of kindness in theory, but when it comes to the act itself they might have fallen short. Maybe you never want to be overweight, so maybe not overeating or only eating until you are half full is a core value of yours.
Speaker 1:We may talk or think about our core values, but are we really sticking to them? If you want to be a healthy person, are you doing healthful things in your life? What values do you want to be known for? Start with the end game in mind and think about what you want people to say at your eulogy. This is a great way to live a life you really want.
Speaker 1:Be willing to evaluate your values as you gain wisdom in life. Make an effort to align your actions and decisions with your values. We all do things when we were young that we cringe about when we were old. It is okay for your core values to change as you mature. Learn to say no to opportunities or commitments that don't align with your values. Saying no is an empowering act that allows you to prioritize what is truly important to you. Defining your core values is an ongoing journey of discovering who you really want to you. Defining your core values is an ongoing journey of discovering who you really want to be. Defining your core values, even if you can't always live by them, will help you to have strong self-esteem because you know where you want to be in life, even if you are not there yet, this is Coach Radner at the Living Clarity Podcast. See you next time.