The Coach Daniel Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Daniel Ratner Podcast
Audiobook-Never Feel Unloved Again, Chapter 6
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Discover how to construct a protective barrier around your personal happiness and self-esteem with insights from Dr. Jane Anderson. We'll uncover the roots of low self-esteem, particularly how family dynamics and parental influence can shape a child's emotional health. Learn the importance of providing unconditional love and understanding the unique motivations of your children to nurture their self-worth. We explore the impact of divorce on children, the pressures of youth sports, and how to support your children in a way that ensures their self-value isn't solely tied to their achievements.
In this empowering episode, we share personal stories and techniques to cultivate resilience, forgiveness, and self-acceptance. Join us as we tackle the influence of social media and consumerism on our self-esteem, highlighting the significance of finding inner contentment rather than seeking external validation. Embrace the journey toward self-love and acceptance, understanding that true happiness stems from within. By fostering these qualities, we aim to equip you with strategies to break the cycle of low self-esteem, promoting emotional well-being for both yourself and future generations.
Protecting Yourself and Your Children
Speaker 1Welcome to the Living in Clarity podcast . This is Coach Ratner . We are continuing our audio book of Never Feel Unloved Again the 12 Strategies to Cure Low Self-Esteem Be Grateful Instead of Hateful . A recurring theme to carry forward throughout this chapter is the idea of safeguarding your happiness . Envision creating a protective barrier around it , just like a fence in your backyard . Fences serve the purpose of either keeping things in , like young children or dogs , or keeping things out , such as trespassers or wild animals . Just as we deploy safeguards to protect our valuables , money and loved ones , our happiness deserves a similar level of protection . As you go through life , think about what makes you happy and what causes you to feel bad about yourself . Create your own fence to keep the bad out and keep your happiness in . Put a fence up and protect your most important and valuable asset your positive self-esteem . Forgive the source . Where did your low self-esteem originate from ? One likely place might be your parents . How parents act in front of their children has an effect on them for the rest of their lives . Their negative behaviors can have a significant impact on their children's self-esteem , whereas providing emotional support and encouragement can foster a positive sense of worth in children .
Speaker 1A major cause of low self-esteem are people that come from families that deal with dysfunction or have gone through a divorce . There are times that married couples should get divorced , but it does not have to be the high percentage of marriages ending today . I would venture to guess that most parents will say that their children are better off with their parents separated , and they may be right . What you may not hear them say is that their children will develop emotional injuries that may not appear for decades . Dr Jane Anderson , a clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of California , san Francisco , states that divorce is detrimental to the emotional well-being of children . Children of divorced parents may experience various challenges . Some of them include higher risk of emotional distress , decreased social and psychological maturation , higher risk of emotional distress , decreased social and psychological maturation , loss in religious faith and practice , loss in cognitive and academic stimulation and decline in physical health . Other data has shown that children from divorced parents are twice as likely to tempt suicide . They're about four times as likely to have trouble fitting in , and I've seen data that shows women who have divorced parents are 60% more likely to divorce themselves . For men , the number is 35% . This is why the biggest decision you will make in your life is who you are going to marry . This is also why I spent so many years of my life writing and teaching about what it takes to have a passionate marriage .
Speaker 1Your poor marriage can have such a detrimental effect on your children if you don't know how to model for them what a healthy relationship looks like . Children are generally aware that their parents love them , even when they are divorced . It is when the two people they love the most don't love each other that causes the child to not love themselves . These internal emotional injuries have a tendency to show up later in life , generally after they've been married . The inability to trust others , love others or allowing yourself to be loved are all symptoms of low self-esteem . These symptoms are from poor relationships , but they don't come from your poor relationships . They are not your fault and are not so obvious until after you have many failed relationships later on in life . It is only after coming to terms of what caused your failures is when you are able to forgive the source and make sure it does not happen to your offspring .
Speaker 1There are two ideas that one should consider when raising children that may not be so intuitive . The first one is that children should know their parents have unconditional love for them . However , saying I love you to a teenager has very little impact on them . What is more important for them is to know that you have their backs . It does not mean that you have to agree with them on every issue . It just means that children know that if you are ever stuck in a difficult situation , you will be there for them . This sets a strong baseline for positive self-esteem and independence throughout their lives .
Speaker 1The second most important thing when raising children is for the parent to understand what motivates each child . What works for one might not work for the other child . One of the worst things you can tell a child is why aren't you like your brother ? Because they are not like their brothers . They are unique and there's no one in the world like them . If your parents criticized you or you were always compared to other children , that may be a source of your low self-esteem . If this is the case , you need to forgive your parents and understand they did the best with the tools that they were given . You can then make sure that you will not be the source for your children's low self-esteem .
Speaker 1Parents should not set impossibly high standards for their children or themselves . This can lead to feelings of being inadequate when anyone is able to meet those standards . This can be especially true of parents who have spent time and energy promoting the athletic careers of their children . This feeling of low self-esteem originates from aspirations that were never achieved , but it can happen even when they do succeed in athletics . Some athletes who have succeeded at the highest levels in their sport have had to struggle with low self-esteem . Their sport have had to struggle with low self-esteem . This includes athletes such as the Williams sisters , michelle Wee , roy Jones Jr , andre Agassi , just to name a few . Young adolescents who play sports should do it for the purpose of interacting with other children and having fun .
Speaker 1Once a parent starts pushing a child to make it into his career , the pressure can be immense and can cause low self-esteem . Even if your child is going to grow to 6'9" , has great basketball skills , is extremely disciplined , it is still a long shot for them to be a successful professional basketball player . Still a long shot for them to be a successful professional basketball player . The parents should support it , but it should be in the context that the game is a way to make a living , not the way they should be defined as a person . That way , if they don't succeed , which is the most likely scenario they won't suffer with low self-esteem If the same child is only going to be five foot five inches tall . One should never tell their children they will never succeed in basketball because of their height . This is something that a child will eventually figure out for themselves . Otherwise , you telling your kid they'll never be tall enough to be in the NBA can be detrimental and possibly cause them to have low self-esteem .
Speaker 1Social interactions with peers and teachers can also influence a child's self-esteem . Positive feedback or validation from these interactions will boost their self-worth , while negative experiences or criticism can have the opposite effect . If you had critical teachers growing up , that might have been a contributing source of low self-esteem . Later on in life , experiencing bullying or harassment can lead to feelings of shame , insecurity and low self-worth . This is why parents need to be aware of their children's feelings and take action to protect them if needed . Nothing boosts a child's or adult's self-esteem more than their achievements .
Speaker 1Success in various areas of life , such as academics , sports or hobbies , can contribute to a person's sense of self-worth . Hobbies are very helpful for positive feelings , even if a child does not stick with it . Trying to find a hobby that your child enjoys will help with improving low self-esteem . Parents should always support the hobbies of their children and give them encouragement at all times . Then there are significant life events , such as trauma , abuse or major life changes , which can have lasting effects on a person's self-esteem . There is a wide range of trauma and abuse , and a certified therapist should be involved when children or adults are trying to recover from such past events .
Speaker 1While parents and caregivers may play a significant role in the development of a child's self-esteem , it is important to recognize that self-esteem is complex and multidimensional . One should be aware that there are many influencing factors in someone's self-esteem throughout a person's life . Why is understanding the source important to your self-esteem ? Because once you can figure it out , you will know what steps to take to cure it . However , the most important thing is to forgive the source of your low self-esteem . Constantly blaming others for your challenges will just turn into an injustice collector . That is not the kind of collector you want to be . It's much better to collect coins or stamps than to collect all the injustice that other people have done to you . This constant holding in of your emotional pain may never go away . Holding onto grudges , resentment or negative feelings towards others can take a toll on your mental health . By practicing forgiveness , we release ourselves from the burden of carrying negative emotions and free ourselves to focus on all the positive aspects of life .
Cultivating Resilience and Self-Worth
Speaker 1Parents also need to know to show resilience when they are in front of their children . That includes not blaming , complaining and always trying to see the good in every situation . Life is always going to be throwing challenges our way , so you should not be . You should Not only be resilient , but act resilient in front of your children . One example is how parents deal with insects that invariably show up at everyone's house . They should never freak out or act scared when a spider , wasp or mosquito makes a visit . They should act calm and do what it takes to get the bug out of the house or into the toilet . A parent can use this example to teach compassion to their children by forcing a spider into a cup and tossing the insect outside .
Speaker 1Parents that want to raise emotionally healthy children should not be the cause of those fears . Yes , wasps can sting , so you may have to kill it , but since most house spiders are harmless , the fear of spiders is irrational . Fear in one instance can spread to other areas of life . Then you end up with children with foolish and unjustifiable fears . There are many communities in America where they have a fear of dogs . Dogs were used to chase slaves who had escaped from their owners previous to their emancipation . Then there are the Nazis , who used them to attack Jews in Europe during the Second World War . Cynophobia is the overwhelming fear of dogs . People with this anxiety disorder feel intense fear and anxiety when they think about or see or encounter a dog . The excuse that most people use for this fear is that they had a negative experience with a dog when they were younger . Forgiving this source also means having the resilience to not let past fears control your life . Personally , I was bitten by my neighbor's German Shepherd when I was about four or five years old . I did not let that affect me later on in life . In fact , I now own a dog and will use her to help other people get over their fears .
Speaker 1A teacher stands in front of her classroom with her arms stretched out , holding a bottle of water In her palm . She asks the students how much the bottle of water weighs . The students give various examples , from 6 ounces to 1 pound . She responds that the weight is meaningless . What is more important is that the longer she holds the bottle , the more pain she feels . If she holds it in for a minute , there is no pain . If she holds it in for an entire day , the pain will be excruciating . This is the same when we hold a grudge or don't forgive the source of our pain . The longer we hold it in , the more pain we feel .
Speaker 1Forgiving is a trait that happy people are able to do easily . Since you want to be one of those happy people , you will learn not to hold a grudge and live a life with the ability to forgive , to learn to react to life's challenges with resilience , and learn to forgive the source of your low self-esteem . You will find yourself being a much happier person . Side note my son said that these are the three hardest things for anyone to say I'm sorry , I forgive you and Worcestershire sauce . Be happy with internal satisfaction .
Speaker 1Not too long ago , we could get a deep sense of personal pleasure from a walk on the beach , watching a beautiful sunset , finishing a marathon or just seeing our children frolic in the park . Just the act of experiencing or accomplishing something was enough to make us feel good about ourselves , without the need for any external validation . It was early in the century that when you traveled , you would bring your camera or buy a disposable one from the drugstore . After your vacation , you would take it to the drugstore or Costco and wait a week to get your pictures printed . Only then would you share it with your close friends and family , not your hundreds or thousands of Facebook or Instagram friends . These moments gave us self-satisfaction happiness that comes from within us , not from anywhere or anyone else .
Speaker 1Social media has dulled this intrinsic reward . Rather than absorbing these moments for our own benefit , today we share them with the world , seeking public affirmation of our lives . This quest for external validation pushes us to carefully stage moments for others to see . If your satisfaction comes from others' approval , you will always need more of it . Yet people today experience more loneliness , anxiety and depression than any point measured in history , so that must be something that is not working .
Speaker 1In this modern age of instant communication and social media . The need of approval from others is similar to when someone buys a very expensive name brand clothing or handbags . If buying a Chanel or Louis Vuitton handbag would make you feel better about yourselves for more than a few weeks , then therapists would be out of business . There are probably more therapists per capita in the world today than any time in history . Yet our lives have never been more comfortable and convenient . Truly confident individuals don't rely on showing off a Fendi or Hermes handbag or have to name-drop to feel secure in themselves . They find their self-worth from within and do not need external validations Only . A designer handbag may bring momentary satisfaction , but it cannot replace the deep sense of self-assurance that comes from knowing , accepting and loving oneself .
Speaker 1Body image can be a source of low self-esteem . This is especially true during adolescence and early adulthood , but it does not seem to end there . The recent phenomenon of people showing off their bodies on social media plays such a major role in how you feel about yourself , no matter how old you are . We are bombarded with scenes of perfect bodies from everywhere you look television , internet ads . We are bombarded with scenes of perfect bodies from everywhere you look television , internet ads , magazine covers and even video screens at malls and airports .
Speaker 1I thought long and hard about body image and how much time we spend working out being laser focused on eating a vegan , vegetarian , mediterranean or plant-based diet . I am a big fan of eating healthy because I believe you are what you eat . If you put junk in your body , you get junk out of your body . I believe we have become a society that is too focused on our body image . The reason why there are many advertisements for diets and workout gimmicks is because it influences people to buy their products . What do you think is considered a healthy body shape in the images we see today about body or consciousness ? The answer is a body that is thin , muscular and tan . If you don't have that , you're out's . Thin , muscular and tan . If you don't have that , you're out of shape , fat and maybe even ugly . There does not appear to be any middle ground . I think these concepts are just the societal views and not the reality we should be living with .
Speaker 1When did having a tan become synonymous with healthy good looks , while having a pale skin was looked down upon ? It's curious to observe how college students , particularly those from the colder northern states , eagerly run outside on the first sunny spring day wearing bathing suits to catch a tan , even when the temperature barely reaches into the high 50s . In movies that depict the 1800s early 1900s , affluent women were often portrayed as having fair , pale skin . The movie Titanic comes to mind as an example . They would stroll about with wide-brimmed hats and parasols shielding their faces from the sun . Being pasty white was considered beautiful . In contrast , having a tan was associated with the working class , those employed outside in the sun , on farms or constructing railroads . Tan skin was considered a marker of lower social standing , synonymous with poverty . The narrative has shifted drastically over time . Today , being tan is often associated with being healthy and fluent , symbolizing a person who can afford to travel to sunny , exotic destinations , whereas being pale means you have to work 80 hours a week to afford rent and food and don't have any free time to be outside .
Speaker 1When did this shift in social perception occur ? I would venture to guess that it coincided with the rise of the marketing industry , particularly when Madison Avenue transformed from just a street in Manhattan to a major epicenter of the marketing universe . The influence of Madison Avenue as a powerhouse in shaping public opinion likely played a pivotal role in defining beauty standards and associating a tan with luxury and influence . At one time , being slightly overweight was considered sexy . Again , this is probably because if you were thin , you didn't eat , because you could not afford to eat . However , in today's society , this is generally not an issue , so now carrying an extra 10 to 20 pounds can lead to feelings of inadequacy , potentially triggering negative emotions , which causes a person to eat more . This then becomes a vicious cycle and we end up 100 pounds overweight . More people die in America from the side effects of overeating than from starvation . We should stop this feeling that we are worthless if we are overweight .
Speaker 1Once we realize that the source of our low self-esteem is being caused by whatever trends or influence from the boardrooms of Madison Avenue , then we may be able to cure our low self-esteem . Having a body that's healthy is something that everyone should strive for . However , being healthy is not indicated based on how tan or skinny one is . This has caused many in our society to be laser focused on the shape of individual body parts or preoccupied with their weight . This focus on their bodies can be unhealthy and may play a major role in having low self-esteem .
Embracing Self-Love and Acceptance
Speaker 1Once you understand the source of what is causing you to have low self-esteem , you will have an easier time being cured from it . Your internal satisfaction starts with knowing how awesome you really are and there are people that love you , even if you are struggling with loving yourself . Remember that happiness and contentment come from within and are not solely dependent on external circumstances or the opinions of others . No matter your shape , size , skin color , clothes , purse , car or even the likes on your social media . Learn to love and accept yourself as you are , without the need for external validation , and you'll find greater peace and fulfillment in life . This is the Living Clarity Podcast . Thank you so much for listening . If you enjoy it , please like , save , share or send me an email at coachratter at gmailcom or the Living in Clarity podcast at gmailcom . See you next time .