The Coach Ratner Podcast

Audiobook-Never Feel Unloved Again, Chapter 4

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Criticism is often a hidden reflection of one's own self-esteem struggles, a realization I came to with some wise guidance from my wife. Throughout this episode, I open up about my personal journey from being overly critical to adopting a more compassionate approach, underscoring how this transformation improved my relationships, especially within my family. We shed light on the insidious nature of gossip and its roots in personal dissatisfaction, advocating for internal happiness as a defense against these negative behaviors. Join me as we navigate the delicate balance between offering constructive feedback and nurturing a loving, respectful environment both at home and in broader social circles. 

Switching gears, we explore the fascinating world of body modifications and their intricate dance with self-esteem. Tattoos, bold hair colors, and piercings are more than just fashion statements; they can signify deeper emotional battles or a quest for acceptance. Together, we question whether these trends are merely expressions of individuality or responses to societal pressures. Through examining the health risks and cultural influences surrounding these choices, we delve into the broader conversation about self-perception, even tackling the weighty topic of cosmetic surgery. This episode encourages a thoughtful reflection on how we choose to present ourselves to the world and what truly drives those decisions.

Speaker 1:

This is Coach Radner on the Living in Clarity podcast. We are continuing with our reading of the audio book Never Feel Unloved Again, part 4. Criticizes Others. What if I told you that there was a new yoga instructor at your gym who is highly critical? Would you want to meet them? Chances are you would say no. After all, nobody enjoys being around individuals who constantly criticize others. Where does the need to constantly criticize come from? Is it possible that the origin of it is linked to low self-esteem? When you criticize someone else, it could be a reflection of your own dissatisfaction. It is an attempt to elevate yourself by bringing others down. This is not the route you want to take in life if you want to feel good about yourself.

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Looking back on what made me a mess, I finally came to acknowledge I used to be very critical of many people in my life. It's possible to go through life without recognizing this trait within oneself, as it can become ingrained in one's personality without realizing it is an issue. It may take someone you trust to bring it to your attention. I am blessed to have a practical and sensible wife who greatly pointed it out to me. Once I became aware of my critical nature, I made a deliberate effort to refrain from it. So much so I composed a little song that I sang throughout the day, called Compliment and Criticize. This has been a game changer in our marriage because I am now constantly aware of it. Complimentum criticis, complimentum criticis, or she'll find another guy. Complimentum criticis, or she'll poke you in the eye. Complimentum criticis, live under sunny skies.

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My father used to criticize my brother all the time when we were little. My brother, not being the most graceful person in the world, occasionally spilled his drink at the dinner table. My father did not take into consideration that. He was clumsy and it was part of his nature. The constant yelling and criticism likely took a toll on my brother's emotional well-being over the years. Now that I have children, some more coordinated than others, I refrain from yelling. When one of my children inevitably spills their drink, I just tell them to go get a towel and clean it up. I make no reaction of any kind, especially disappointment. I want my children to take responsibility for their actions, even their mishaps. My aim as a father is to nurture positive self-esteem in my children, fostering confidence as they go out into the world.

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I have noticed that children who have had a positive emotional connection with their parents tend to navigate the loss of a parent more effectively. In contrast, I've witnessed the challenges faced by children who lost a parent with whom they had a strained relationship. They often grapple with the aftermath for an extended period and have a tremendously tough time getting over it. This sometimes stems from parents who are overly critical. On the other hand, children with emotionally healthy connections to their parents, while still experiencing sorrow at a loss, demonstrate a quicker resilience and ability to bounce back.

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In a marriage where one spouse constantly criticizes the other, it often signals underlying issues of low self-esteem, which could lead to potential trouble. If you find yourself in a dating situation where your partner frequently criticizes you, it's a red flag that should not be ignored. In such cases, it might be wise to consider permanently stepping away from the relationship to preserve your emotional health. One of the fundamental principles for successful relationships is offering compliments instead of criticism. Every time you criticize someone, you are tearing them down emotionally. Every time you compliment someone, you are making them feel good about themselves and also fostering positive feelings towards you. Realizing that constant criticism is a potential sign of low self-esteem will hopefully be a catalyst to help you to become a person that everyone wants to associate with Just ask likes to gossip.

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Why is gossip a symptom of having low self-esteem? Someone who is not happy with their life will get pleasure gossiping about someone else. They may be also compensating for their unhappiness by talking about the problems of other people to avoid their own problems, or it makes their problems not seem so bad. That is why when someone gossips, they may say what's the lowdown or what's the dirt on someone else. It is because you are dragging someone else through the mud, because it makes you feel like you are clean. For example, if you like to talk about who is getting divorced in your neighborhood, you probably don't have a strong marriage yourself. When you have strong self-esteem, you do not need to bring anyone else down or talk about their problems to make yourself happier.

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Gossip involves three people the speaker of the gossip, the listener and the one who is being spoken about. Gossip includes saying anything about someone else that is true, untrue or even if you use negative body language or facial expressions when someone speaks. The most common one is the eye roll. Even if you say that you wouldn't tell whatever it is you're saying to someone's face, it is still considered gossip, even if you say I am not sure this is gossip, it's most likely gossip. Gossip can be harmful because we always don't know the reason for someone else's issues. Gossip can also just be speculation which can eventually harm someone. There are entire books on gossip, but the purpose here is not to discuss all the ways gossip is harmful. It is just for someone to realize it may be a symptom of low self-esteem.

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It is similar to a satellite that is in orbit, looping around the earth. Gossip is a bit similar. We may say something that can travel around our social circle and eventually harm someone's relationship or reputation. Speaking about the lives of other people is an acronym for a sat loop. Just like a satellite loops around the earth for many years, but it will eventually burn up or crash into the earth, your gossip will do the exact same thing. When you gossip about someone else, it can spread like wildfire and eventually damage someone's reputation. When you live with internal happiness, you have no need to speak about the lives of other people. Tattoos, bullnose rings and plastic surgery.

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This is the one chapter I wrote that. I was not sure if I should put it in or not, but I went ahead and did it. I hope it doesn't offend you. In this chapter I'll be addressing a topic that may stir controversy, particularly among those who have made certain choices concerning their bodies. I am writing this knowing full well that I will have to defend myself and may cause some people to feel insulted. My goal is not to be liked, but to provide insights to help you reach potential in life. If that takes me telling the truth and possibly cause feelings to be hurt, I will suffer the consequences.

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You can always tell when a young person is going through emotional turmoil. It can manifest in the way they dress. That may seem uncivil to many adults. They may have many earrings and body parts that are not their ears, vibrant neon hair colors and various body modifications such as tattoos. While I respect the diversity of these choices, it may be that it is all based on an inner struggle from having low self-esteem. This is not a judgment on their choices, but the emotional reasons that have caused them to make those choices. This is just a generalization and not every person with tattoos has low self-esteem.

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Tattoos have become a common form of artistic expression, but the skin plays a role in protecting the body and is also our largest organ. I'm not sure that you would ever consider putting a tattoo on your second largest organ, the liver, even if it was possible to see it. Tattoos can have side effects, such as inflammation of the skin, several forms of hepatitis, and can negatively affect your immune system over time. A tattoo stands in stark contrast to the sudden urge to purchase the latest sparkly pink sundress because Taylor Swift wore it at her recent concert. Unlike clothing that can be given away or sold at a clothing reseller, a tattoo becomes an enduring part of your identity that's not so easy to get rid of.

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Body art can cause regret, emphasizing the need for strong consideration before committing to something so permanent. When one does not love themselves, they want to do what they can to start to feel better as fast as possible. You feel bad about yourself, so you end up with a tattoo parlor. In these instances, tattoos emerge as a cheaper and quick means of effecting a physical change to one's life. This is a case where the body R compensates for not taking mind-altering drugs and you end up completely covered in tattoos. Mind-altering drugs and you end up completely covered in tattoos. However, if you want to feel really expressive about your low self-esteem, you take mind-altering drugs and get a body full of tattoos? If you don't love yourself, you may not care if you damage yourself. If you do love yourself, would you even consider damaging your large organ? Some people are going to respond that tattoos are not that damaging. Maybe they are only slightly damaging, but the issue extends beyond surface-level concerns. Research indicates that getting a tattoo can be indicative of self-destructive tendencies. This correlation prompted a search into the psychological aspects of getting something that is so permanent.

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Henry J Carson, a clinical pathologist and medical examiner from Linn County, iowa, undertook a comprehensive study that involved examining cases from his county and neighboring ones. This was a 15-year study from 1997 to 2012. Only adults 18 years and older were included in the survey. Tattoos are typically noted on the coroner's report, so Carson compared the data of deceased persons between tattooed and non-tattooed. Out of a total of 438 deaths, 300 had no tattoos, while 138 people had tattoos. The median age of death for those without tattoos was 53 years and those with tattoos 39 years. What should be noted from the survey was that, since no one under 18 years old was included, the median age for tattoos deaths is probably skewed higher than what is truly, since young people are more likely to have tattoos.

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The association of being tattooed and relative early death by any manner was striking. However, the presence of a tattoo doesn't serve as a predictor of early death, but rather may represent an epiphenomenon, a secondary symptom occurring simultaneously with disease or condition, but not directly related to it. The association between having tattoos and risk-taking behavior has long been observed clinically, especially with people who obtain tattoos at younger ages. There is evidence that persons with tattoos are significantly more likely to use illicit drugs, drink excess alcohol and are more likely to die from these causes. What this report is speculating is that if you get a tattoo, you're probably not thinking about the possible consequences of your actions in all aspects of life. Someone who has strong, positive self-esteem probably isn't sketching permanent ink into their skin. Therefore, tatting yourself might be a symptom of having low self-esteem. This is just a theory and more data would need to be examined if the data from Linn County reflects the country as a whole. But there is a new trend now that is fortunately not as permanent as tattoos, but may be a larger symptom of having low self-esteem.

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Bullnose rings and the septum have always been used on cows to help them wean themselves from their mothers. It has now become a fashion statement to look like a cow. The only reason I can come up with why young men and women want to look like a cow is that they have no idea they look like a cow. If they knew that cows have earrings placed in their septum of their noses to help them stop from breastfeeding, then wearing a nose ring may be more than a fashion statement. The link between the cow's nose ring and the potential self-esteem implications remains speculative, especially since many individuals might be unaware of this association.

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Generally, young adults who are always following the latest fads are looking to be accepted with by their peers. This is probably an issue with almost every teenager in the world, but it can be a real problem when associated with a number of other symptoms of low self-esteem. I once read an online article from American Magazine how models in some European countries pose with hairy armpits. What was striking were the comments about how most women thought it was gross. I thought to myself that if any popular celebrities were posting pictures of themselves with hairy armpits, that it would suddenly become en vogue. Imagine Taylor Swift raising her arms at MetLife Stadium with hairy armpits. I don't think it's a far fix that almost every teenage girl would quit shaving their underarms. Fads help us feel like we're being accepted by our peers when in reality we are just not thinking for ourselves.

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The most dangerous and permanent predictor of having low self-esteem is cosmetic surgery, sometimes known as aesthetic or plastic surgery surgery, sometimes known as aesthetic or plastic surgery. Does the decision to undergo breast augmentation surgery or any elective cosmetic surgery equate to having symptoms of low self-esteem? Delicately put, yes, obviously. If you were having cosmetic surgery to replace a body part that was lost or damaged due to cancer or any other cause, then it is not elective surgery. Now that I am close to 60 years old, I do scrutinize myself in the mirror and think that if I just tightened the skin on my neck a little bit, I would look 20 years younger. Then I think about all those men in their 70s and 80s who look funny because of the disparity between the smooth skin on their faces and their arthritic appearance. It becomes evident that the attempt to erase wrinkles can sometimes create an unintended contradiction with the natural aging process Tight skin and creaky bones that just don't quite harmonize. Or, to say it another way, they look weird.

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Years ago I was in Palm Beach, florida, jogging along a path that ran along the scenic intercoastal waterway. In the distance, I noticed a woman approaching. Judging from the silhouette of her body, I assumed she was a young woman in her 20s. However, as she got closer, I was shocked to realize that she was well into her 70s. The sight was so jarring that my mind struggled to reconcile the discrepancy between her age and the perkiness of certain body parts. It just did not look right. Isn't it possible to age naturally and be happy with the way we look?

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In a world influenced by media-driven beauty ideals, the pressure to conform to unrealistic standards has led many to consider cosmetic surgery. The impact of marketing has probably caused some people to go under the knife, fueled by a desire to emulate the ageless Tom Cruise or Cher. It's noteworthy that Cruise, in his 60s, continues to maintain a remarkably unchanged appearance since his role in risky business over four decades ago, setting unrealistic standards for aging gracefully. Sharon Osbourne, wife of Black Sabbath vocalist Ozzy Osbourne and a judge on Americans Got Talent, openly acknowledges undergoing a series of cosmetic procedures. Her reported enhancements include faceless Botox injections, dermal fillers, lists for both legs and arms, a tummy tuck, post-gastric band surgery, breast implants and a neck lift. The television personality mused in her 2013 autobiography. Every time you go under the knife for vanity, you are slicing off yet more of yourself worth Still in 2021,. She had more surgery on her face, something she now sees as the worst thing that I ever did. She said she has the procedures because of vanity and ego. Oh, you look great for your age, but I know what I really look like. When I look in the mirror, I see the real me.

Speaker 1:

Regardless of all the number of tattoos, bullnose rings or breast enhancements that someone has that resemble a topographical graph of Mount Everest. Everyone has moments of feeling like a mess. Let's delve into some approaches to generally boost self-esteem. Else you'll spend a lot of plastic just to end up looking like plastic. This is Coach Radner at the Living Clarity Podcast. If you enjoyed the book, please leave a comment, subscribe or mention to your friends. Have a great day. See you next time.