The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
Whether you’re looking to unlock your full potential, cultivate meaningful relationships, or just to feel good about yourself, Coach Ratner is here to guide and inspire you every step of the way. Join the thousands who have already been transformed by Coach’s teachings and start your own journey towards success, fulfillment, and ultimately a passionate, loving relationship, with one person for the rest of your life.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Audiobook-Never Feel Unloved Again, Chapter 3
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Imagine living your life constantly seeking approval from others, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. Through the Living Clarity Podcast, we unravel the motivations behind people-pleasing behaviors often rooted in low self-esteem. We share a poignant story of a college acquaintance whose excessive kindness masked an inner struggle, impacting her relationships profoundly. As we tread through the murky waters of love and infatuation, we uncover how recognizing these patterns can keep us from repeating toxic cycles. The episode shines a light on how perfectionism can paralyze ambition, and the ever-persistent "grass is greener" mentality that blinds us to our own potential for growth.
The conversation doesn't stop at emotional struggles; we also examine the deep ties between emotional stress and physical well-being. Anecdotes of wealthy individuals facing stress-related health issues reveal the paradox that happiness, not wealth, is the true measure of longevity. By understanding how mental strain can manifest physically—like using food as a coping mechanism—we stress the importance of nurturing mental health. The episode also addresses the lure of seeking validation on social media and the importance of building genuine self-esteem. Through insights and practical advice, this episode aims to guide you towards a more fulfilling and balanced life.
This is the Libyan Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner. We're going to continue reading the audiobook Never Feel Unloved Again, part 3.
Speaker 1:People-pleasing. Why can people-pleasing be a symptom of low self-esteem? Occasionally, the desire to want to help people may not be totally altruistic, but from a diminished sense of self-worth, you may feel the need to help people to gain approval and validation. I often encounter the question isn't it good that I want to help people? Absolutely yes. However, one must discern the motivation behind helping others. There exists a fine line between offering assistance out of a genuine kindness or doing so to seek positive reinforcement to raise one's self-esteem. If one were to select a symptom of low self-esteem, this is for sure the one to have to manage.
Speaker 1:I once knew a woman in college who displayed immense kindness to everyone around her. She was constantly organizing birthday parties and buying gifts for people she barely knew. Reflecting on it 40 years later, it became apparent that her kindness and thoughtfulness stemmed from deep-seated low self-esteem. Despite being an incredible person, she remains unmarried, possibly still dealing with negative thoughts about herself. It's hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself, even though she is loved by many. It is a great quality to want to help other people, but one should determine the source of your kindness.
Speaker 1:If not, you may make poor decisions, especially when you are in the early stages of a romantic relationship. When there is physical intimacy very early in a relationship, it's conceivable that one partner is grappling with low self-esteem and that fulfilling the other person's desires will make them feel accepted. Unfortunately, this is quite common and it is wise to be aware of it if you are dating. That way you won't confuse love with infatuation and then find yourself in a toxic relationship later on. I know people who would not take a relationship seriously if the other party wanted to have physical relations with them after one or two dates. People-placing is a good trait to have when it comes to your good nature, not when you are looking to get approval from someone else. Your personal desire to date them, to mate them, may turn into a situation where you date them and then hate them. You just have to ask yourself which side of that fine line you were on. When people-pleasing especially when it comes to dating Perfectionism leads to procrastination, you may say to yourself that whatever you want to do will never be perfect, so why should you start?
Speaker 1:This is what someone with low self-esteem is thinking in their minds, either consciously or subconsciously. This reluctance to even start something may stem from past experiences of criticism, which can significantly diminish one's self-esteem. This serves as a valuable lesson for anyone involved in a relationship. Excessive criticism can discourage people to take any risks or start anything altogether. Procrastination can keep you from embarking on starting a business, beginning an exercise program, pursuing a degree or maybe even getting married. Did you ever tell your mother why should I bother making my bed? It's going to get messed up again anyway. This attitude will doom you to never going anywhere in life. I really want to write that I will deem it a failure. But how can you fail at something if you never try it? Failure means you at a minimum attempted something. It is those who don't fail because they never took any risk that may be worse off in life. They may look at themselves as a failure, but really what they are is a procrastinator.
Speaker 1:Getting back to the grass analogy, there is a famous saying the grass is greener, always greener on the other side. This proverb means that the neighbor's grass is greener, and if I had what they had, I would be much happier. In reality, what it really means is that when you look straight down your grass, what do you see? You see dirt From your perspective. Your life and yard is full of dirt because you can see through the grass. When you look at your neighbor's grass, what are you really looking at? You are looking at the lush side of their grass. From your angle. You can't possibly see any dirt from afar. Are you really looking at? You are looking at the lush side of their grass From your angle. You can't possibly see any dirt from afar, like you do looking down at your own grass. Your perspective is completely different from theirs. When they are looking at your grass, they don't see any of your dirt either. They are thinking the same thing as you. If I only had their grass, I would be so much happier. It means you think your situation is poor, dire, impossible to deal with, and you think your neighbor's grass is perfect.
Speaker 1:In reality, your struggles may or may not be more difficult than your neighbor's, but it is your struggle. If it is given to you, it's because you can handle it. This is a common faulty view in marriages that are going through some turbulence. Some spouses would refer someone that did not have a particular challenge that they have to deal with In this situation. What they may not realize is that if they think that switching to a new spouse will make them happy, then all they're doing is switching one challenge for a different challenge. They may view a new spouse as having greener grass, when in reality it's just a different problem that you may have a harder time coping with.
Speaker 1:The illusion of seeing your neighbor's perfect grasp can put a stranglehold on your life and keep you from starting anything. We don't want to become an expert in procrastination. Your struggles are given to you because you have the strength to overcome them. In numerous instances, we may not be fully aware of other people's struggles. Take, for instance, those neighbors whose marriage appears perfectly happy. It can be disconcerting when your own marriage doesn't seem as content. What often goes unnoticed is that the possibility that there are hidden troubles and the looming possibility of divorce that we don't even realize.
Speaker 1:Many of us are familiar with that guy from high school who sold his tech company for tens of millions of dollars. It's natural to feel this twinge of jealousy, especially if you considered yourself smarter back in school. What may not be apparent is that he may be grappling with substantial debt or, worse, struggling to navigate newfound wealth, potentially leading to a downward spiral involving drugs and gambling. The key lesson here is not to let the perceived success of others deter you from pursuing your own endeavors. Understand that your attempts may not always work out the way you want, but don't allow that thought process to hinder you from starting something meaningful. Put an end to procrastination and you'll find that low self-esteem will dissipate from your life. It's crucial to understand that, no matter whose grass you observe, if seen from their perspective, there's always dirt. No one's grass is solace and yours won't be either. Enjoy your grass and realize that, no matter how many times your grass is cut, it always comes back stronger, and you will too.
Speaker 1:The Emotional Can Turn Physical. When exploring the lives of individuals who have lived to a very old age, a recurring theme is often their contentment and happiness, not their wealth. This holds true even for those who have endured significant adversities such as poverty or war. While not always explicitly acknowledged by many doctors, there exists a correlation between emotional stress and the manifestation of diseases. Stress doesn't only make us feel awful emotionally, says Jay Winner, md, author of Take the Stress Out of your Life and director of the Stress Management Program for Samson Clinic in Santa Barbara, california. It can also exacerbate just about any health condition you can think of. According to WebMD, studies have found many health problems relate to stress. Stress tends to worsen or increase the risk of conditions like obesity, heart disease, alzheimer's disease, diabetes, depression, gastrointestinal problems and asthma. During a recent business trip, I had the opportunity to talk with two individuals whose stories highlight the paradox problems and asthma.
Speaker 1:During a recent business trip, I had the opportunity to talk with two individuals whose stories highlight the paradox of wealth and stress. One encounter was an old client who confided in me about the strain caused by customers failing to pay their invoices. Despite managing an impressive $300 million in annual sales, he found himself always having to handle the burden of collecting debt. He boasted about his 10% profit margin while at the same time complaining about unpaid invoices and his poor health. In case math is not your strong suit, that 10% margin means he makes $30 million a year. I also profited with a major donor to a non-profit organization during the same trip. This individual, who owned many hotels in New York City, seemed stressed by the pressure of his business, despite his abundant wealth. The anxiety for managing his empire made what should be a happy old man into a cranky old man. When a health challenge eventually makes its way to him, he'll have a hard time recovering from it due to his anxiety over his business. These encounters served as reminders of all the intricate relationship between wealth and well-being.
Speaker 1:While financial success can open doors to comfort and luxury, it also has the potential to cause anxiety and turmoil if not managed wisely. It's a realization that even among the most affluent, stress can persist, serving as caution for us all to focus on our inner peace above material accumulation. When you have money, you may spend more of your time acquiring possessions and taking vacations. The more money one has, the more you have to manage it. The more possessions you have, the more you have to manage them also. This is why, if you're one of those people who are careful about taking care of their physical body, you should also take care of your mental health.
Speaker 1:When your mental health falters or when you think you really can't control your negative feelings, that can manifest itself into the deterioration of the physical body. They go hand in hand. This is why, when you see people who are very overweight, there's usually an emotional reason why they're overeating. It's not because they are more hungry than you. Overeating serves as a coping mechanism for underlying unhappiness. A more beneficial alternative, as explored later in the chapter on exercise, is redirecting emotional struggles toward activities like running. I believe that many doctors will refrain from telling their patients a timeline of how long they have to live when diagnosed with a deadly disease. It is their understanding that conveying such prognosis can impact the emotional well-being of individuals, which then shapes the reality. Our thoughts can create reality and if you feel unloved or have low self-esteem, that emotional feeling can turn into a physical malady.
Speaker 1:Fishing for compliments. I am blessed to be able to speak for various organizations around the world. Before I used to be aware of my self-esteem, I would ask for feedback from the person who invited me. It finally dawned on me that I was just essentially fishing for compliments. Like most people, I enjoy receiving compliments. The realization that this behavior stemmed from my own loss of esteem prompted me to make a change. I became more conscious of the significance of cultivating positive self-esteem without the need for external validation. I now prefer them to arise naturally, without me having to ask someone else.
Speaker 1:One challenge I grapple with is that, no matter how proficient you are at whatever you do, not everyone will resonate with your message. Looking back on my speeches in Maryland many years ago, I estimated that I talked to around 300 different individuals over the years, whether in small classroom settings or large events like the Jewish High Holidays. This spanned across numerous years. From my perspective, approximately 10 individuals stood out as genuine fans of mine. These were people who actively sought out my talks, purchased my books and passionately recommended me to their friends. While 10 may seem like a small number, the realization struck me when I considered extrapolating that percentage across millions of people. This epiphany motivated me to continue with writing and speaking, even though I felt I was not guarding a large enough audience.
Speaker 1:Here are some unmistakable signs that someone is seeking compliments. Openly boasts about their accomplishments or wealth, pretends to show ignorance about their positive qualities, hoping that someone will remind them, and says negative things about themselves to bait you into saying something positive about them, regardless of how well you performed your job, unless it was outright dreadful. Something positive about them, regardless of how well you performed your job, unless it was outright dreadful. Fishing for compliments often results in receiving a positive response. People will hesitate to tell you directly that you stunk. Instead of fishing for compliments, consider that if you did a remarkable job. Feedback will likely come from the sponsoring organization or other indicators. Thanks for listening. These outcomes serve as more reliable indicators of your success without the need to solicit feedback from others. You may even get asked to come to a forum again.
Speaker 1:We engage in this behavior of fishing for compliments frequently, especially through social media. Consider the impact on your self-esteem when you post something and receive zero likes or comments. You probably don't feel great about yourself when this happens. There is also an idea about being self-deprecating. This is when one is excessively modest or even disparages themselves. They may be doing this to invoke reactions that lead to a compliment, which is just another way of fishing for compliments. Aspiring to have strong self-esteem requires refraining from fishing for compliments in situations where judgment is possible. Instead, carry yourself with confidence and pride, recognizing that you've given your best effort, regardless of others' opinions. In any pursuit, no matter how well you perform, there will always be individuals who may not appreciate your efforts. It's essential to acknowledge that it's possible to please everyone, so leave the fishing to the fishermen.
Speaker 1:Fake confidence. Have you ever encountered someone who initially struck you as incredibly confident, only to discover, upon getting to know them better, that it was merely a facade. My initial encounter with such a person took place during the early stages of my career in the rare coin business. At the time, I was around 17 years old, grappling with imposter syndrome, possessing enough knowledge to engage in the trade, yet lacking the confidence to fully embrace that I knew what I was doing. At a convention in Maryland, I crossed paths with a young man around my age who exuded an air of self-assurance. He bragged to me about his past trading successes, emphasizing that he exclusively dealt in the finest coins. In other words, he was cocky. His demeanor aimed to make me feel small, which I did. A decade later, when our paths crossed again, I discovered that he had long departed from the coin business and much of his once prominent bravado had dissipated. It became evident that what he had initially seemed like genuine confidence was in fact a facade. This individual had been harboring what I now refer to as fake confidence.
Speaker 1:I've come to realize that those who boast the most often tend to harbor the least confidence. True confidence doesn't necessitate constant self-promotion. When you're generally secure in your abilities, there's no need for excessive bragging. In nearly everyone's life, there's often that one individual who constantly takes center stage Most likely it is someone you knew back in high school or college. This person has a knack for entering a party with a roushous remark that grabs everyone's attention. When someone is planning a social gathering, he's the first name that comes to mind, because he's universally acknowledged as the one person needed to have a successful party. In reality, it's just covering up for his lack of positive self-esteem. This is his way of feeling accepted and gaining attention for himself. This behavior is often observed when you come across a group of teenagers strolling down the street. Occasionally, there's a young individual who makes a deliberate effort to be loud, whether it's through explicatives, loud sounds, breaking beer bottles or even knocking over objects like a trash can. In these instances, it becomes apparent that they are seeking attention.
Speaker 1:I dated a woman many years ago that displayed the perfect example of the phenomenon of having fake confidence. I met her at a singles mixer when I was in my early 30s. She was cute and full of life. She was extremely confident in herself, not in an arrogant way. She was the exclusive agent for the right to a famous folk hero. It was an unusual profession for a young woman and I found it to be very intriguing. She probably found my job fascinating, since I was a coin dealer, something that very few people understand or have heard of. That fun and exciting relationship lasted about one month until the demons started rearing their ugly head. What was originally confidence turned into a horrendous display of complete distrust, low self-esteem and irrationality. Her troubled past remained concealed initially. It just took time for the confidence to fall away and reveal the true essence within her.
Speaker 1:It reminds me of the TV show Survivor as an example of how hard it is to hide your emotional problems for too long. At the end of every episode, someone gets voted off the island and the game is over for them. At the show's outset, contestants are interviewed and express their intention to become a better version of themselves or hide certain aspects such as severe insecurities or wealth, which will usually cause you to get voted off. This facade usually crumbles pretty quickly. Living in closed quarters for an extended period of time makes it difficult to maintain a false identity. It seems that it is hard to hide your truest self when you are living amongst other people. This is why there are many divorces where the one spouse says that they were completely surprised by the negative emotional state or dysfunction of the person they married, this is usually very soon after the wedding, even just a few days. Wealthy contestants can successfully keep this hidden aspect of themselves under wraps for a significant portion of the show. Conversely, those characterized by deceit, sneakiness or emotional instability are typically revealed very quickly within the first few days or even hours of the competition.
Speaker 1:The woman I was dating was able to attract me because I was not able to see through the veneer of her fake confidence. It was only when she could not keep it hidden any longer that I became aware of the dysfunction. It was a good lesson for me to always be aware of when the air of confidence is masking a troubled past. Exercise caution when encountering individuals whom you perceive as overly confident. Their outward appearance may merely mask underlying feelings of low self-esteem. Additionally, ask yourself whether your own confidence truly reflects your authentic self or serves as a cover for hidden insecurities. This is Coach Ratner Living Clarity Podcast. We'll see you next time.