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Audiobook-Never Feel Unloved Again: Symptoms & Strategies to Cure Low Self-Esteem, Chapter #2

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Can low self-esteem masquerade as introversion? Join us as we unravel this intriguing concept, sharing personal stories of how avoidance often leads to dysfunctional relationships and missed opportunities. We touch on the critical role of self-love in fostering healthy connections, both socially and professionally. As we navigate the complex path from fear of judgment to confident interactions, learn how addressing these issues can lead to meaningful improvements in your life.

Thrill-seeking or self-destructive behavior might just be the tip of the self-esteem iceberg. We explore the potential roots of such actions and the importance of understanding one's motives. With anecdotes about everyday habits and the perils of social media comparisons, we highlight the journey to find contentment in personal achievements over societal validation. Dive into a reimagining of success, where personal values trump external standards, and discover the liberating power of aligning your goals with what truly matters to you.

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This is Coach Ratner at the Living in Clarity Podcast. We are continuing our audiobook Never Feel Unloved Again, part 2. If you enjoy this, please leave me a comment wherever you're listening on this podcast, or you can email me at coachratner at gmailcom or at thelivinginclaritypodcast at gmailcom. I'd love to hear from you.

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Avoiding social interaction Can you recall a student in college who always stayed in their dorm, even on weekends, while you were out going to bars and parties? You may have perceived them to be boring. However, one factor to consider is that they may be an introvert, finding joy in solitary activities like reading or studying. Their definition of fun simply differed from your definition of fun. This does not necessarily indicate low self-esteem. Rather, it reflects on their preference and how they derive satisfaction. Reading a book in their dorm room on a weekend is fun for them, even though it may not be fun for you.

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There is a fine line between someone who avoids social interaction because they're an introvert versus someone who doesn't like being in social situations because they are scared out of their minds. The latter may have anxiety and have a constant fear of being judged. These individuals may think they are ugly or unworthy of conversation, plagued by fears that deter them from going into any social interaction. Sometimes individuals might label themselves as introverts, when in fact their avoidance of social situations stems from low self-esteem. This may manifest itself in a reluctance to engage with others, driven by their belief that they are not capable to be loved or able to be loved by someone else. In this situation, making excuses to avoid social interactions becomes a way of sidestepping their deeper issue, and their self-imposed introvert label is being used as a protection from facing the reality. This is similar to some individuals who may claim they don't want to get married, not because they have no interest in marriage, but because they recognize they might not be able be capable of being in a loving relationship. This declaration of not wanting to be married becomes a convenient excuse to avoid confronting their emotional flaws. The prospect of putting themselves in a position to love someone else may uncover their emotional deficiencies, which they want to avoid. Acknowledging these issues requires vulnerability, something they find challenging, so they make an excuse to evade the truth altogether. Then they live their entire life with this internal contradiction. On the other hand, attempting to engage in a romance while carrying low self-esteem might lead to disastrous outcomes or, at best, a somewhat dysfunctional relationship.

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The choice between confronting personal challenges or avoiding them altogether shape their relationship choices. It's more constructive to acknowledge your faults and address them directly. Granted, this process involves vulnerability, which many find uncomfortable. This discomfort is why some individuals choose to avoid social interactions altogether. The fear of putting oneself out there for everyone to see becomes a powerful deterrent, leading them to steer clear of socializing entirely Poor relationships.

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Imagine if I told you that I have someone that you would be a great match for you, but then told you they struggle with low self-esteem. Chances are you would pass on going on a date with them. No one likes to be with someone that is unhappy or does not love themselves. Unfortunately, many people are not aware that this is an issue when they marry. This is a major reason why there are so many poor relationships.

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One should be careful when dating someone with what appears to be confidence but is masking low self-esteem. In advising single men struggling with dating, I often emphasize the importance of confidence, a trait highly sought after by women. Striking the right balance is crucial not overly confident, as it may come across as arrogance, but rather exuding a strong, quiet confidence. Just to clarify I am a man, or I classifies as a man, and it's possible I am incorrect about women desiring confidence, but so far no one has questioned me about it. When you have strong self-esteem, it shows in how you interact with other people, and usually someone who has strong self-esteem will be more successful in their job or business. This confidence also translates into effective parenting, because they will minimize the impact of emotions and anger on the parenting approach. If you have children and have yelled at them, you probably realize that unleashing frustration yields no positive outcomes and can even make the situation worse.

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Navigating a relationship where one partner possesses strong self-esteem while the other grapples with low self-worth can be challenging. The individual with low self-esteem may harbor the belief that their partner could never truly love them, leading them to sabotage the relationship. This struggle is a personal journey I experienced during my own dating experience. I was dating what I thought was a smart, beautiful, confident woman. While my observations about her were somewhat accurate, it turned out that she was masking low self-esteem. This became apparent as our relationship deepened and she struggled to accept love. She started making self-defeating comments like you can't love me and why are you with me? This was a new and challenging experience for me. By a long shot If I had been more mature and wise at the time, I might have recognized that these behaviors stem from deep-seated issues of low self-esteem. Unfortunately, lacking that insight, I responded in a way that's probably very common for most men. I broke up with her. The dilemma was that she did not allow the breakup, yet she couldn't prevent herself from undermining it. The dilemma was that she did not allow the breakup, yet she couldn't prevent herself from undermining it. The situation escalated to the point of stalking and threats of suicide. Thankfully, she eventually thought therapy, which proved to be successful. Over the years, she learned to love herself and eventually found a lasting relationship leading to marriage. This experience underscored the importance of recognizing and addressing underlying issues of low self-esteem in relationships.

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A considerable number of individuals might refrain from investing the effort needed to improve their self-esteem, potentially leading them to remain single or in poor relationships for their entire lives. The fundamental premise is that loving yourself is a prerequisite for being capable of loving someone else. Later in this book, you'll find 12 strategies aimed at addressing and overcoming low self-esteem, providing an excellent starting point for loving oneself. When individuals who are dating seek a potential partner, they may unknowingly gravitate towards someone who shares similar flaws. This stems from the comfort of recognizing aspects of themselves in another person. While these characteristics might not be consciously sought, encountering someone with the same flaws creates a sense of comfort and connection. I've observed couples where both struggle with low self-esteem, and, while it's not the ideal scenario, it can work with counseling and therapy. The journey to a successful marriage for such couples often involves a significant investment in personal growth.

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My wife and I once knew a couple who appeared to have an ideal marriage, and their separation left us both in shock. While both of them were exceptional individuals, it became clear that they might not have been ideally matched. The wife revealed that she had bypassed relationships with seemingly perfect guys because they lacked a flaw that she identified in herself. It was only after marrying her husband and raising a family together that she recognized that she picked her husband because they had shared the same flaw. Then she reflected on why she had passed up on such exceptional men before she chose her husband. She realized that her own low self-esteem caused her to feel that she did not deserve such a not-standing guy, because she thought of herself as a flawed individual. She felt she only deserved a flawed individual as the demands of real life set in the nuances of everyone's imperfections become more apparent when individuals claim that their dating or married partner is perfect. It often raises a red flag that they are overlooking the inevitable flaws. There is no one who is perfect, but there is someone who is perfect for you. If you have low self-esteem, it does not preclude the possibility of having a fantastic marriage. You just need to enter into a marriage, having clarity with all your issues. Be aware that you may choose someone because they have the same flaws, and that should be a warning sign that you should proceed with caution.

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Self-destructive behaviors has there ever been a time in your life when you thought you were invincible? For many people, it was probably during their teenage years and into their mid-20s. People are always looking for stimulating, hair-raising adventures. That's why extreme sports and roller coasters are so popular. Obviously, these are thrilling, but the deeper reason why people do them is it makes them feel alive. The true appreciation of being alive is when you go through something that, were the slightest mishap, would kill you. We willingly invest in experiences that carry an element of danger, be it skydiving, hang gliding or surfing giant waves. Much like the delicate balance between having low self-esteem and being an introvert when staying clear of social interactions. A similar nuance emerges in thrilling activities.

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In thrill-seeking activities, it becomes crucial to discern whether the pursuit of thrills is driven by a desire to feel alive or not caring if you die. Navigating this demands true introspection, prompting individuals to question their motives for taking risks. Achieving clarity with this issue may be tough, since individuals may hesitate to confront uncomfortable truths about themselves. One's ego may not let them admit that they don't care about dying, unless they are in a very dark place. When you don't love yourself, you are more willing to take risks. People with strong self-esteem can also die from dangerous behavior, but the difference is they don't want to die. They are just doing it for the adventure that makes them feel alive.

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When you have strong self-esteem, one tends to avoid perilous situations, especially when others depend on them. Raising children serves as a powerful antidote to low self-esteem. Their presence shifts the focus from one's own needs and feelings to caring for the well-beings of others, reinforcing the sense of responsibility. You may recall someone from high school or college who never missed a chance to be at a party, a student perpetually getting drunk, chugging beer bongs, liquor shots, illegal substances or anything dangerous that was offered to him. This individual might have frequently blacked out, gotten into fights or damaged property. This behavior, as the party guy often serves as a signal compensating for low self-esteem. How often have we come across stories of young men driving recklessly at high speeds during the late hours, tragically dying after crashing into a tree? Some of these individuals might have grappled with low self-esteem, allowing them to take unnecessary risks because they feel a lack of self-love. Other perilous behaviors include illegal drug use, playing with dangerous weapons or indulging in unprotected physical relations with multiple partners. Self-destructive behaviors are obviously a sign of potentially worse issues than just slow self-esteem. Knowing how to identify the differences between someone not caring if they die versus someone wanting to die can ultimately save someone's life by getting them the proper intervention. This is why recognizing and helping someone with low self-esteem in its early stages can guide them toward a healthier path, potentially averting more severe consequences.

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Hypersensitivity have you ever woken up in the morning and you found yourself staring at a pimple right in the middle of your nose? Your immediate reaction might be to decide not to leave the house, fearing this embarrassment if someone were to see it. This feeling of potential embarrassment is just that it's our own feeling and not rooted in reality. Someone with strong self-esteem would realize that most people don't pay much attention to your pimples. Your best friend may playfully tease you for a brief moment, but it's likely they won't even notice it after a few seconds. In general, a pimple is generally not as significant to others as it may feel to you.

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Do you find yourself spending extensive time ironing your clothes, styling your hair or constantly worrying about your appearance in different outfits? This level of preoccupation with our appearance would diminish if we had stronger self-esteem. During my travels, I used to pack several nice dress shirts and would spend about 30 minutes ironing them upon reaching my hotel. Then one day I witnessed my best friend ironing his shirts. It only took him a mere 15 seconds for each. His approach involved a single pass on each sleeve and each side of the shirt's front. Intrigued, I asked that's all you iron? His response was an eye-opener 95% of the wrinkles are out and the rest won't be noticeable anyway. I then realized that my extensive ironing was rooted in my hypersensitivity to how I perceived others saw me.

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It's important to clarify that one should not abandon efforts to look polished and put together. Taking pride in their appearance is a positive practice. However, for some individuals, a preoccupation with looking flawless can become paralyzing. This sensitivity can be indicative of low self-esteem. Striking a balance between presenting oneself well and not being overly fixated on any imperfections is crucial for a healthier self-image. If you happen to have teenage girls, you know exactly what I am talking about.

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Comparing yourselves to others, do you find yourself constantly watching your competitors? Is your attention fixated on them instead of concentrating on your own achievements? We can go through life enjoying contentment for our own successes, or perpetually watch others and constantly compare. This is particularly evident on social media, where some influencers will proudly brag they have reached a million views on TikTok or Instagram. Boasting about your number of views on social media is like bragging about how much money you have on Monopoly. It holds no real-world significance unless you can turn Park Place and Boardwalk into actual real estate. How you value yourself should not be based on an algorithm that randomly plays your videos to a million people. True value in social media lies in meaningful engagements, likes, shares, subscriptions and the impact your content has on its viewers.

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Individuals with robust self-esteem don't feel the need to resort to comparisons. They recognize the positivity in their message and its potential to contribute to the world. Their contentment stems from this alone. While getting to this level of self-esteem may seem a bit far-fetched, the goal of this book isn't for readers to live with average self-esteem, but to raise your self-esteem higher than you can dream. This means having a mindset where the only one you are comparing yourself to is you. Drawing comparisons with others has the potential to lead you to abandon your goals. Looking back, there are some invaluable lessons I learned from instances where I gave up on the dream. If I had access to a book like this over 40 years ago, it might have prevented me from quitting on myself. While we are certainly not seeking out challenges, their impact on shaping us into better individuals becomes evident only in hindsight.

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During my high school years, I was exceptionally good at playing the piano. I thought that I was so good that I contemplated pursuing a career in the music industry the dream of playing on Broadway. I decided to apply to the top two music schools in the country the Oberlin Conservatory of Music in Ohio and the Juilliard School in New York. The TV show Fame was very popular during that period, which was based on the struggles of students at Juilliard. It was my favorite show and the prospect of attending Juilliard would have been a dream come true. Fame I want to live forever. I want to learn how to fly.

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During my junior year of high school, I received an invitation to perform at a county music festival in Virginia. When I arrived at the school for the first time, I headed straight to the room filled with pianos where all the accompanists would practice. What I witnessed was amazing and depressing at the same time. The room was brimming with high school kids playing piano at a level they had never seen before. They played classics like Chopin and Gershwin and Rachmaninoff, as well as contemporary pieces by Billy Joel and Elton John. While I could also play the same music, their skill level was beyond anything I'd seen before. They could play by ear, which is playing any song on the man without any music, and also change the key at will.

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I was good, but not this good. This left me a bit bummed out about my prospects as a professional pianist. Imposter syndrome reared its ugly head, because at this point, I was an imposter in my own eyes. At this time in my life, I was secluded between my high school family, friends and my synagogue. This constituted my social circle and, at the time, my entire world, and it was great. I received praise for my piano playing anywhere I played, which led me to believe I was among the best piano players in the world. This warped perception of how good I was arose because I had very little exposure to anything outside my world, so in my eyes, I was the best. That was until I got out of my world.

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Eventually, when I came across all these exceptional, talented pianists, my dream of pursuing a professional career in piano not only went out the proverbial window, I also decided to not apply to Oberlin and Juilliard. It was a devastating blow, one that, in retrospect, should never have occurred. Why did I not believe in myself and still apply to the schools? Because I compared myself to others, and it caused me to not believe in myself. Not only will comparing yourself to others cause you to have low self-esteem, it may cause you to abandon your dreams.

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This experience has imparted a couple of crucial lessons. Firstly, success in life doesn't demand being the best at something. It just requires being good enough. One should know that, no matter how good they are at something, someone will end up surpassing you. The pursuit of success should be based on continual improvement rather than fixating on being the best. There are many ways that a talented musician can make a living. I just compared myself to students who were, like me, prodigies headed for careers playing classical music for major symphonies. While I may never possess their talent, I had other talents that may have led to my success. I could have written popular music, played in a band or even entertained guests on cruise ships or restaurants. When someone gives up without even trying, it robs them of the opportunity to discover and pursue alternate paths. I never gave myself that chance.

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Another crucial lesson learned from this experience is one should silence negative thoughts, especially from themselves. Oftentimes we emerge as our harshest critics and our worst enemies. This self-sabotage can become a barrier to personal growth and can prevent healthy self-esteem. This can lead to regret and can damage your self-worth. There are two kinds of regret in the world. One is when you attempted something and failed. The other is regret of never trying at all. This latter regret has been with me for the rest of my life, never knowing what I could have composed, produced or what joy I might have brought to the world. This regret has stemmed from comparing myself to the other pianists in that room.

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I came to the realization that stopping the habit of comparing oneself to others leads to a more fulfilling life. It tears away any self-doubt and frees one from feeling inadequate. One should recognize the difference between comparing yourself to someone more accomplished than you versus striving to achieve their same level of success. Comparisons can be valuable only when used as a source of inspiration. However, understanding that mirroring someone else's path to success doesn't necessarily mean you will have the same journey. Everyone's journey and approach to their level of success is completely different.

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Challenges arise when the pursuit of someone else's personal goals transforms your feelings into inadequacy and low self-esteem. To avoid falling into this trap, want to just use others' accomplishments as inspiration, not actual goals. A strategy to prevent low self-esteem is to acknowledge that you are observing these achievements as goals for personal growth. Insert a crucial but to yourself, emphasizing that you won't let it lower your self-esteem if you haven't attained the same milestones. I should have come to the same realization that I may never have the same technical skills as the other pianists. However, I should have continued to work on my craft and enjoy the ride to whatever success I achieved. Instead, I just took all of the piano playing out of my future. It did not have to be an all-or-nothing endeavor, but that is exactly what I did. I turned my potential success into nothing.

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Low self-esteem can be pronounced in communities where the emphasis on personal growth is lacking. If this is an issue where you live, your bar for success may initially yield a false sense of accomplishment. This is because you are basing your success on those around you. When people have strong self-esteem, they do not look at the successes of others. They are continually improving themselves, unswayed by benchmarks of those around them. Consider this scenario of checking out your neighbor's lawn. You may find it comforting, thinking to yourself at least my grass isn't four feet high, it's only one foot high. Okay, so you haven't mowed your grass in two weeks, whereas your neighbor hasn't mowed it all summer. In reality, both of you have failed to be responsible.

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However, this kind of comparison becomes problematic when extended to other aspects of life, such as personal conduct. If you're evaluating your actions against someone who constantly cheats on their spouse with the maid and nanny and you're excusing your behavior by saying I only cheated once with my secretary, you have set a low bar for yourself. We may also do this when we go to a restaurant and someone else at the table orders dessert, while we decide that we are already full and don't really want to eat anything else, since they order it, you feel the urge to go along with them and order one for yourself. This is obviously a simplistic example, but a good analogy to think about in more important aspects of life. Comparing individuals who engage in questionable, unethical behavior can lead to a distorted view of oneself.

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True personal growth involves setting standards that are not only higher than immediate surroundings, but also aligned with your core values and principles. If you have to compare yourself, it's essential to choose comparisons that contribute positively to one's character. The concept of keeping up with the Joneses involves maintaining a similar standard of living as those within your social circle, including neighbors, friends and families associated with your children's school. This practice can be positive when the Joneses engage in activities like charity work or helping those in need. That kind of pressure is good for all of us.

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However, if the Joneses' lifestyle involves private jets, second homes and secret lovers, attempting to keep up with them may lead to feelings of low self-esteem. A more constructive approach is to completely eliminate low self-esteem for your life by eliminating any comparisons to others. Instead, focus on your core values. The true measure of success lies in aligning your goals with your values rather than attempting to match someone else's success. Otherwise, you might be frolicking on your lawn with your nanny through four feet of grass while eating a chocolate dessert that you really don't want. This is Coach Ratner at the Living in Prairie podcast. We'll see you next time.