The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter #11

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Can simple acts of affection and genuine appreciation truly transform a marriage? Join us as we explore the profound impact that small gestures and kind words can have on your relationship, without relying on grandiose displays of love. We delve into how consistent affectionate communication, akin to nurturing a child with a kind tone, can positively influence your marriage. This episode offers a deep dive into the four essential elements—attention, affection, appreciation, and awareness—that are crucial for cultivating a passionate and enduring bond with your partner.

We also tackle the thorny issue of unchecked egos and their potential harm to marital harmony. Discover how deflating the ego and prioritizing your spouse’s needs can lead to a more fulfilling connection. Through personal stories and practical advice, we illustrate the journey of nurturing everlasting love. Learn about the concept of "sunscreen love" and how continuous effort and commitment can help love grow and deepen over time. Whether you're just starting out on your marital journey or have shared decades together, this episode promises timeless insights to help your love flourish.

Speaker 1:

This is Coach Radnor of the Living in Clarity podcast. We are now on chapter 11 of the audio book Infinite Marriage Affection. Affection is not just a physical action. It can also be the way you speak. When should you talk to your spouse in an affectionate way? Always, how you talk to them affects how they react to you. It is similar to how you act in front of your children. If you yell at them a lot, they will also likely yell a lot. If you talk in a kind and affectionate way, they will be more likely to talk that way also. Talking to your spouse affectionately is one of the many ways you can get to your marriage, to the phase of never leaving.

Speaker 1:

Most people need affection and it is something that should be done constantly. It does not always need to be hugging and kissing. It can be something as simple as rubbing against your spouse very lightly as you walk by them in the kitchen or leaning into them when you are standing in an elevator together. You can do it in a way that no one around will even notice. These concepts can even make your relationship stronger than physical relations, which also needs to happen on a consistent basis.

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Be careful about being overly affectionate. Take clues from your spouse and watch their facial expressions and body language. When they look annoyed, it's because they are annoyed. You have to know the nuances of how your spouse reacts. Many people have a hard time reading social clues. For some people it comes naturally. If it doesn't come naturally to you, then you need to work on it. Reading social clues is part of practical intelligence which you can improve on. Always speak to your spouse in an affectionate way. That means practicing, not raising your voice or yelling. This may be a challenge, but not only will be good for your marriage, it will make you a much calmer person and you will be living with the infinite marriage matrix in mind. This is what I call a win-win Appreciation.

Speaker 1:

Women can't get enough appreciation. Men don't need it as much, but we still like it. If your husband sets the table for dinner, make sure to tell him you appreciate what he did. If he goes shopping for the family or does anything to help you, try to remember to thank him and show him that he is an important part of your family unit. Even if the man doesn't lift a finger to help out around the house, find some reason to show him appreciation. Is it possible that he doesn't help because he has never received positive feedback. People will live up to what they are told. If you label someone by calling them lazy or anything else negative, that's who they become. The power of suggestion is very strong and it may well be self-fulfilling prophecy. Prophecy you showing them appreciation could change his attitude towards helping. For men. Make sure that if your wife cooks dinner, you tell her how good it tastes, even if the meat is burnt to a crisp. Try to find something positive to say.

Speaker 1:

Men need to always show appreciation to their wives for whatever they do. Men need to pay attention and compliment their wife's appearance. Women care a great deal about what they wear, everything from the scarf or wig on their head down to the shoes on their feet. Every piece is part of their ensemble and all are important. Have you ever heard your wife say she has nothing to wear? Forget the fact that she has 10 times the closet space as you and that it is completely filled with shoes and clothes. If you're bothered by how much money your wife spends on clothes, occasionally compliment her on what she's wearing. If you don't, she may keep on buying clothes until you recognize how good she looks. If your wife buys a new pair of shoes, a dress or a scarf and asks you how she looks, always tell her she looked beautiful. Always show your spouse appreciation, no matter what she looks like. If you want extra credit, mention an outfit she previously wore to an event and how much you liked it. Honey, do you remember that black dress you wore at my nephew's wedding? That was stunning. I would love for you to wear that again. This will ignite her passion for you. Nothing makes a woman happier than someone especially her husband remembering something she wore months ago Awareness.

Speaker 1:

When I wrote my first book, the 10 Secrets of a Passionate Marriage, this idea of awareness was not included. My wife suggested I put it in because sometimes I was not aware of where she was. We'd be walking down the street with our entire family to the Shook and I would lose track of where she was because I was speaking to one of my children. This is not the only instance where I was not aware. You also need to be aware of your spouse's needs. My wife will sometimes text me something that she is running low on. On most occasions I get it for her and I know she really appreciates that. I also appreciate that when she hears me complaining I don't have enough socks and then Amazon comes to my home with a brand new bag of socks that my wife ordered, it really makes me happy that I know she was listening to me and went out of her way to get me something I needed. You should be aware of your spouse's needs at all times. Then you will live with the knowledge that you were always thinking of them Attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. You should continually be saying these words to yourself. The more you do, the more you'll remember to apply these concepts, which will create more passion and the better the chance of you both getting to.

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Never leaving your ego is still not your ego. Our egos are a major cause of lots of problems in many areas of our lives, especially marriage. The inflated ego has an exaggerated sense of how important we want others to think we are. This generally comes from having a lack of self-esteem. When we lack self-esteem, we try to compensate for it by doing things that will inflate our egos and make us feel important. My goal here is to help you understand that your ego is not your friend and that can keep you from having a passionate marriage. If you want a passionate marriage, you must deflate your ego. In many relationships I have seen people's unchecked egos play a major role. I would venture to guess that unchecked egos in a relationship are the cause of a high number of unhappy marriages and divorces.

Speaker 1:

When you think of yourself as fulfilled and happy, you have high self-esteem. You don't need anything to inflate your ego or make you feel more important. You already feel good about yourself, your relationship and pretty much everything that's going on in your life, even if everything isn't perfect. Positive self-esteem allows you to open yourself up, to make what's important to your spouse important to you. When you don't feel fulfilled, happy, content or important, then you need to compensate for your lack of self-esteem. That's where your ego comes into play. The need to satisfy your ego can be one of the worst character traits, not only in a marriage, but in life in general. Your marriage is not just about you, your needs, your feelings or how important you feel. You now have your spouse, who also has needs, desires and a need to feel important. If you are overly focused on your own needs, you will more likely be less focused on someone else's needs. In a marriage, there are lots of needs that each spouse has to have to meet, to have met. In a marriage, there are lots of needs that each spouse has to have met by the other in order to keep the relationship passionate.

Speaker 1:

One thing our egos like to do is make ourselves look good. Why we feel good about ourselves when we're told we look good. Who doesn't like that? That's where our ego starts to feel inflated. If you don't find that positive feedback from others, especially your spouse, you may try to find something else to help you achieve that boost in your ego. It can be the car you drive, jewelry, clothes or how good you think your body looks. It can also be in your job title or how successful you want others to think you are. It can even manifest itself in something as simple as a purse.

Speaker 1:

Hermes makes a purse called the Birkin Bag. Although it is marketed as a tote bag, it is really just a purse. In a recent public auction, a Hermes bag sold for almost $400,000. Commonly these bags sell for tens of thousands of dollars, but dozens have sold in public auctions for over $100,000 each. There are plenty of companies that make a knockoff of their Hermes Birkin bag and you can buy them for a few hundred dollars or less.

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Why are people paying so much for a designer handbag, especially if they can buy a lookalike for a fraction of the price? My friend, rob, sells more than two million dollars worth of luxury purses a year. I asked him why people pay so much for Hermes purses and he told me that they are a great place for wealthy people to store their assets. Hermes also limits the number of bags they make, so they are quite scarce, he told me. Each purse is hand sticks and many are made of crocodile or alligator skin. We kept talking and then, when it came down to it, he admitted that buying a purse for that much money is ridiculous. He said there is only one reason people spend so much money on an Hermes purse Eco. If you have the disposable income to spend that much money on a purse and it makes you feel good about yourself, then buy it. You should consider that you are buying this to compensate for low self-esteem. Having a passionate marriage is only achievable when your ego is not controlling your life. Rob then went on to tell me that he buys for resale many Birkin bags from women going through divorce, which clarifies my point.

Speaker 1:

When you have to inflate your ego, perhaps by buying something expensive, it may be because you have deflated your marriage. When Hermes gets someone to spend that kind of money on a handbag, their marketing has succeeded. The goal of marketing is to convince us that we're not happy unless we buy what they are selling. Our lives will not be fulfilled unless we buy things to fill our ego. Some people have to be careful when standing at the checkout line at the grocery store with the fashion magazine staring them in their face, telling them that they're not beautiful if they don't have the latest clothes, shoes or makeup. The marketing of material consumption plays into those with low self-esteem. They may try to compensate by buying material possessions that they think will make them happy. As I wrote earlier in the book, if buying an expensive purse would cure depression or even low self-esteem, psychologists would be out of business.

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How can you lower your ego's needs? Increase your self-esteem. Start doing things for others instead of yourself, and you will start to feel good about yourself. Focus on what you have instead of what you don't. If you have a spouse, be thankful at least you have one. Instead of spending money on things that in the long run won't last, spend the money on improving your character and self-esteem.

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One way to do that is through charitable giving. Giving away small amounts of money on a consistent basis will turn you into a giver. Think about how many people or organizations you can help with the money you didn't spend on one designer handbag. Better to give a little every day than a large amount at one time, because giving is like a muscle that needs to be strengthened. The more you can use that muscle, the easier it is for you to be a giver. Consistently doing kind things trains us to be better people. This also works in marriage. Doing small things for your spouse on a consistent basis can do wonders for your marriage.

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When a spouse dies, the eulogies are never about big vacations or fancy houses and cars. They're about good deeds. Most likely, your spouse is not interested in you buying them fancy diamond rings or taking you on a fancy vacation. They want you. They want your love and your time and for you to understand their needs and be there for them always. Then they want the vacation and the diamond ring. Another way of helping get rid of your enlarged ego is to try to live with humility. Being humble isn't thinking less of yourself. It's thinking less about yourself. When you are thinking about your spouse instead of yourself. You're making them the center of your life. You are not the center of the universe anymore. Your relationship is.

Speaker 1:

If you feel that you are not the focus of your spouse, you may need to focus on them more than you currently are, even though it may seem unfair. It may take some time, but you will see them changing and starting to focus on you. If you are focusing on them but you find that their self-esteem is so low you can't get them to spend any time focusing on you, then you may have a problem. You cannot change the way that someone acts. You can only change your reaction to them. Build your self-esteem and lose your ego, because your ego is not your amigo. Sometimes you have to be wrong to be right.

Speaker 1:

There is a famous saying that teaches us if your wife is happy, you're likely to be happy. Death and taxes are considered the two certainties of life. Happy wife, happy life, may be the third Of these three. This is the only one you have control over. Taxes and death are completely out of your control, so you may as well control the one you can do something about. You may be asking why your wife needs to be happy in order for you to have a happy life. Generally, nothing happens in a marriage unless the wife agrees to it. For example, if you want to move to a different neighborhood but your wife does not agree, you are most likely not moving. Who decides whether the children go to school? Generally, it is the wife who makes that decision. What if you want to go somewhere on vacation but you and your wife choose different destinations? Unless you negotiate with her, she will end up getting her choice. The reason she will get her way is because, deep down, the husband knows that the vacation will be much more enjoyable if the wife is happy with the destination.

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I'm sure there are men reading this, listening to this, who completely disagree with me. If that's the case, I suggest you be honest and ask yourself the reason why you can't give in to the desires of your wife. It may be your large ego or maybe some other underlying cause. Be careful that the reason you want to win an argument isn't just about winning. If you just want to win for the sake of winning, your ego may not be your amigo and it can really destroy your marriage. Don't let that get in the way of trying to build an amazing marriage together.

Speaker 1:

There's a mantra I like to say when I have a disagreement with my wife. It's not an easy concept to understand, but if you want to get to the phase of never leaving, it's worth trying. The saying is sometimes you have to be wrong to be right. That means, even though you are right about something, just give in and admit you're wrong. This is not easy, but it can be a game changer in a marriage. Have you ever argued with your spouse when you knew you were right? You will argue with them for hours and you may eventually wear it down on your spouse and they will finally admit that you are correct. The question you have to ask yourself is did you win? You may have won the battle, but you may have lost the war. It's not worth it. Get over your need to win so badly.

Speaker 1:

Disagreements in your marriage don't have to be disagreements. Give in at a minimum occasionally and admit you were wrong, even though you knew you were right. Sometimes less is more. Slim is an acronym that can manifest itself in different areas of your life, but there is one particular area in which less may be more. What I mean by more is a better, more intimate, loving marriage, bringing fewer problems into your life that are outside the marriage helps fulfill the concept of slim. Sometimes less is more. Usually these problems are work or health related. I realize that your spouse is there for you to talk things through, but it may be better to not bring up certain things in conversations with them.

Speaker 1:

There is no reason to put unneeded stress or pressure on your spouse. For example, let's say you lost a potential large sale in business for many different reasons. You don't have to tell your spouse all the minutiae of how you lost it. You could just say you lost a sale and try to learn from the experience for the future. Now, if your spouse is in the same field, they may want to know more about what happened, but that would be very unusual. Don't assume that just because you are married, your spouse wants to hear everything about your day. You definitely want to filter what you tell them. When I was in business and I closed on a profitable deal, I would be excited and want to run home to tell my wife After a few years of this she didn't show as much interest in what I was doing in business At a certain point.

Speaker 1:

In any relationship it is possible that someone's work may not be as important to their spouse. The loft of interest is especially likely if you have been married for many years. Do not confuse your spouse's interest in your work with the success of your marriage. Your work should be what you do to pay the bills. It should not define you as a person.

Speaker 1:

If you work in a field that can cause high amounts of stress, like someone who works in a hospital, it is possible that your spouse doesn't want to hear every detail of your day, especially if it was a tough one. You can say you had a rough day at work, but don't go into details. A good rule of thumb is that if it isn't positive, don't say it unless it needs to be said. If your spouse knows that when they talk to you it will be about positive or happy events, they will look forward to talking to you more often. If you are always talking about negative experiences, then they will associate you with that, and that is not the way to get to the phase of never leaving. Think about when you have experienced someone in your life who was always a downer. Everything they say was negative or depressing. My guess is that you probably did not look forward to talking to them.

Speaker 1:

There was one situation I had to deal with personally in which this really made a difference. I was diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 47. This was about two months after my wife had given birth. Plus, we had four other children, age seven and younger no twins. Obviously this situation was stressful for us, but I needed to stay positive or else a tough situation could have become worse. Since my wife was already going through a lot after giving birth, I had to be careful about what I told her about my condition. I did not want to stress her out more than she needed to be. I definitely kept her informed of what was happening, but I did not let her know everything. The doctor told me that things my wife didn't need to hear, just as an extremely high death rate for lung cancer. That would not have accomplished anything except cause unnecessary stress. Although she was there when I needed to talk to her, I filtered what I told her. Your home should be an oasis of love, happiness and positive thoughts. Bringing in negativity from outside sources doesn't provide the atmosphere you want for creating an awesome marriage. Making sure your spouse is happy will ensure that you are happy.

Speaker 1:

The story of never leaving After many years of dating, I finally came to the conclusion I was going to be a happy person whether or not I got married. That was probably the determining factor that helped my heart to open up when I finally met my future wife. The sister-in-law of a very good friend of mine from college mentioned to me that one day she knew someone who was Jewish, which just happened to be the only two Jewish people she knew well. She worked in a hospital in Washington DC and my future wife was her co-worker. After one date I knew I had a crush on her. That first phase was easy for me.

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After our second date I knew this was going to be much more than a crush, but I just didn't know how to communicate those feelings to her or myself. So I said something to her at the end of the date that came out of left field. I said I'm never leaving. What did that mean? I don't know, but my wife says I really kept my word because I still haven't left. From my perspective, it is now much easier for me to understand the concept that love can grow, even though it is not new as it once was. This is why I wrote this section about sunscreen love, because love can grow if you want to put it into work. There is no comparison for the love I have for my wife now versus when we got married. It just keeps getting better and better, and that's exactly what I want for all my students and readers. Thank you so much. This is the Living in Clarity podcast.