The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter #10

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Can the smallest gestures really transform your marriage? Join us on the Living in Clarity podcast with Coach Ratner as we uncover the profound impact of understanding and fulfilling your spouse's needs. Through personal stories and thoughtful reflections, we reveal how respecting your partner's preferences—be it their passion for modern dance or their kitchen safety rules—can significantly strengthen your bond. Coach Ratner shares his experiences, underscoring that what matters to your spouse should matter to you, even if it seems trivial, as it's the bedrock of a loving and passionate marriage.

Discover the magic of focusing on the "we" instead of the "me" in your relationship. We'll explore how simple acts of attention, affection, and appreciation can transform your marriage. In a world overrun by digital distractions, we offer practical tips to maintain undivided attention, such as eliminating phones and televisions from the bedroom. Understanding the distinct attention needs of men and women, we'll guide you on the path to a more respectful and connected partnership, grounded in the basic principles of civility and mutual respect.

Finally, we dive deep into the essential role of emotional connection in preventing infidelity and nurturing marital intimacy. Coach Ratner shares three crucial questions that husbands should ask their wives to foster a deeper bond, touching on the emotional, physical, and intellectual aspects of the relationship. By prioritizing emotional connection and continuous attention within the marriage, couples can reignite passion and prevent the lure of outside emotional stimulation. Reflect on your reactions to seemingly unrealistic advice and embrace the journey toward a more committed and emotionally fulfilling marriage.

Speaker 1:

This is Coach Ratner of the Living in Clarity podcast. We are continuing our audio book of Infinite Marriage the Four Phases of a Loving Relationship. What's important to you is important to me. One way to ensure that you will get to never leaving and have a more passion in your marriage is to gain a deeper understanding of the needs of your spouse. Then fulfilling those needs will draw you closer to each other. Understanding them doesn't mean you have to really understand them. It just means you have to do things that are important to your spouse even if they make no sense to you. You should live with the idea that whatever is important to your spouse is important to you. Some examples I'm going to give may seem insignificant at first, but that's the point of an amazing passionate marriage. It's the minutiae, the smallest things you do consistently, but that's the point of an amazing passionate marriage. It's the minutiae, the smallest things you do consistently, that are the most important, and even more so when you don't understand them. Giving of yourself to your spouse on a daily basis will help you achieve a passionate marriage more than any expensive vacation, fancy car or exquisite house.

Speaker 1:

Early in my marriage, I often took my wife to modern dance performances. I'm not a big fan of modern dance, but I know it's something she likes. My wife also went with me to the symphony. She wasn't so into it, as the music doesn't speak to her like it does to me, and she always fell asleep. We both went to each other's favorite performances, even though we didn't particularly enjoy them. Why we knew they were important to each other. We both know it is important to do things that we otherwise would not do if we weren't married.

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Most couples understand and agree with this idea. Here's where it gets a little more interesting. We have an unwritten rule in our house that I do all the cooking and she cleans up after meals, hopefully with some help from the children. I'm a neat freak, so anything I make dirty while cooking I want to make sure is in the sink so that at a minimum the counter is all clean. That would also include the sharp kitchen knives. She asked me a few times very nicely if I would please put sharp knives on the kitchen counter instead of the sink, because she was worried about cutting herself. I can certainly understand this request to avoid potential injury. On the other hand, I wanted to make sure the counter was clean and, from my perspective, being clean means that nothing should be on the counter. So if there is a knife on the counter, it is not clean. I did not really listen to her request because it would go against my compulsiveness of being a complete meat freak. Whether knives should go in the sink may seem like a very significant issue in a marriage, and chances are that any average marriage could withstand this type of disagreement. But you're not reading this book because you want to have an average marriage. We'll get back to this in a minute.

Speaker 1:

Another matter that came up was the size of the fork I would bring her for a meal. When I served our family dinner, I grabbed a pile of forks from the utensil drawer. I always grabbed the small ones because, having small children, they would obviously want to use small forks. I brought my wife a small fork, along with everyone else's, including mine. She politely asked me for a large one instead. Without hesitation, I would bring her back a large fork. After some time, it finally occurred to me that my wife did not like using a small fork. After some time, it finally occurred to me that my wife did not like using a small fork. I still didn't listen to her because fork size doesn't matter to me. So I didn't think it really mattered to her, even though she told me it did. It was a case of my ego trumping the reality of what my wife wanted.

Speaker 1:

After continually bringing her a small fork and then having to go back to the kitchen to get a large one, it took some time for it to sink into my brain that I should have just grabbed for a large fork in the first place. Seriously, I'll eat any fork. The size of the fork does not make a difference to me. I'll eat with a spoon. If there is no fork around, just give me some chopsticks, salad tongs or even a toothpick. I'll use whatever instrument is available to get food into my mouth as efficiently as possible. What does the size of a dinner fork or where I put my dirty knives matter? The point I want to make is that it doesn't matter what I think. If I want my marriage to get to the point of never leaving, I must care about what my wife thinks. I must be able to see it from her perspective.

Speaker 1:

After much introspection and learning that small fork issue wasn't so small, I finally stopped bringing my wife to small fork. I also stopped leaving the sharp knives in the sink. Was it hard for me to do this? The answer is yes and no. It wasn't too hard for me to train myself to not put the knives in the sink and bring her a large fork. What part was hard for me? To learn why I had to change my behavior and come to terms that it was not a meaningless issue. It was an issue that should have been avoided with the infinite marriage matrix mindset. It didn't happen overnight. Change doesn't come quickly for me and I had to teach my ego that I'm not the only one in this relationship.

Speaker 1:

The concept of what's important to you is important to me means that there are times in life where something makes no sense to you, but that doesn't matter. The thing you need to learn and grasp is that you are not living with only your own perspective. You are living with someone else and their perspective is just as important as yours. For my wife and me, the same concept applies to flowers. Why would anyone spend perfectly good money on a dying plant? Because that's what flowers are. Once you pick them, they start the dying process. I understand flowers are pretty and they brighten up a room, but what is most important is. My wife really loves them, so I trek every week to the florist and spend 20 bucks for flowers for a Shabbat table and $50 if it's a holiday. I don't care about flowers, but I know if it's important to her, it needs to be important to me. Here is the deeper reason why we are discussing forks, knives and flowers and why it should matter to you. My wife now realizes that every time I leave the kitchen with a large fork, I am sinking at her. Every time I clean up the kitchen and leave a knife on the counter by the side of the sink, I am thinking of her. Every time I buy her flowers, I am thinking of her. Her knowing I am thinking of her, even more so than it doesn't make sense to me, will build her trust, love and, more importantly, her emotional connection to me. Now she knows I'm going out of my way to do what makes her happy, because she knows that what is important to her is important to me.

Speaker 1:

Marriage is not just about me, but about we. Some men like it when their wife is thinking about them. Even more wives would love it if they knew their husbands were thinking about them. It's not all of the big things in life your spouse cares about. It's the little things you do on a daily basis, especially when you're doing it for them. This is a very important concept to understand and embody in order to have a marriage full of bliss. If you don't agree with me, then you definitely need to read the next few sections, or you can get the small fork, order sushi and just eat with your fingers.

Speaker 1:

Attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. Giving to your spouse a daily dose of attention, affection, appreciation and awareness is a game changer and will take your relationship from good to great. And what easier way is it to remember something that you have to incorporate in your life than the four A's? Before we get to this, there should be some basic laws of civility that a couple must have towards each other. Number one don't ever mock each other. And number two always say please and thank you. Married couples should never make fun of each other, mock each other or make jokes at the expense of one another. You also have to be careful of mocking your in-laws. You must make fun of someone, make fun of yourself. Do not do it at the expense of others.

Speaker 1:

When you are in the early phases of a relationship, you may do things like open the car door for your wife, bring your husband a coffee and are always generally polite and nice. But eventually the niceties and politeness will slip and one's civil household can become rude and disrespectful. Try recording your conversations and complaints. At a later time you may find that you talk differently to your spouse than you do to your neighbors and friends. The culture of disrespect can infect your house if it is not properly attended to and nurtured. One way to help with this is to imagine that you are on your first date. Would you be rude or disrespectful to your spouse if it was the first date? If you would not do it on the first date, you should not do it on the 10,000th date.

Speaker 1:

Attention, why is it that when most people work on the internet, they have more than one website open at a time? It is so they can instantly access any one of them if needed. This is the same mentality you should have with your spouse. You should make yourself available to your spouse as easily as a webpage and at all times. This way, you can respond quickly and they'll know you're always there for them. This is another way for them to build their trust in you Not giving proper attention to a spouse is where the ball starts rolling down the hill toward a dysfunctional marriage.

Speaker 1:

Has your spouse been talking to you and you've been answering with uh-huh while looking at your phone. Have you ever thought about how they felt? Have you ever been talking to someone when they keep glancing at their phone? How does it make you feel your phone can really interfere with the attention you give to anyone that you're with? But your spouse is not just anyone. They need to be the most important person in the room at all times. So it is best to put your phone away and out of sight when you arrive home, so that when you see your spouse you are not tempted to answer a text or call.

Speaker 1:

Another way to keep your attention on your spouse is not to have a television in the bedroom. I realize that not everyone has a television in the bedroom, but it is very prevalent in the world. It is so ingrained in society that almost every hotel room has one. Your bedroom should be an oasis for the two of you, without distractions that can draw you away from each other. Having a television set in your bedroom is subliminally sending the message that there are more important things to do than spending time with your spouse On Shabbat. Our family disconnects from technology and works so we can connect to each other without any distractions no phones, televisions, electronic devices or job-related activities. It's the one day we have together without interruption, and it has become our entire family's favorite day. It may be a reason why Jews who observe Shabbat have an extremely low divorce rate.

Speaker 1:

There is a famous saying that has some merit Families that pray together stay together. It is probably because they have a meaningful common purpose that is beyond the physical. If one spouse isn't paying enough attention to the other, was this an issue before you got married? That seemed unlikely, because if it were the case, you probably would have not married them. If there is a lack of attention now, what changed? When you were dating, your whole purpose was to get to know the other person on an emotional and intellectual level. This is why dating is so exciting. Everything is new. You wanted to be closer, so you explored as much as possible to find out about each other. You paid attention to them.

Speaker 1:

Now that the relationship is no longer new, how can you be attentive to your spouse's needs? The problem may be you don't understand what your spouse needs from you If you don't know what to give them, you may ignore them. Your fiancé probably didn't give you a list of their emotional and physical needs before you got married. You just assumed that you knew what they would be. Some just make the assumption that what they would like in a relationship is the same thing as what their spouse wants. This is a common mistake. Let's delve into this idea a little deeper, because when you understand the needs of your spouse, you can get a better understanding of how to meet those needs. Attention the needs of your spouse. You can get a better understanding of how to meet those needs.

Speaker 1:

Attention, the needs of a man. Men and women don't have the exact same needs. When a man comes home from work or anywhere else, he generally wants to relax and does not want to sit around and talk. This is where there's a huge discrepancy between men and women. Men do need attention, but it's not usually the same type of attention that women need. Some men come home and go straight to learning, and others go right to the refrigerator, grab a beer and sit in the recliner and watch the football highlights on ESPN. Other men come home, say hello to their family and go hide in the bedroom or bathroom for 30 minutes. My father used to come home every day around 5 pm and spend about an hour in the garden watering, weeding and picking vegetables. Then he would come in and take a nap on the floor next to his bed and ask me or my siblings to wake him up when dinner was ready. He was happiest doing his own thing until dinner.

Speaker 1:

Typically, men don't feel a need to converse when they have been out all day. What do men really need? Men need respect even more than they desire love and attention, whereas women need love and attention much more than they desire respect. Although both respect are important for both spouses, they both have a desire for respect and love and attention. It's just that for men, respect from their wife is what they need to feel. For women, love and attention from their husband is more important. If a man comes home and tells his wife he respects her but doesn't love her or pay attention to her, the marriage is going to have a hard time staying relevant. If a man comes home and tells his wife he respects her but doesn't love her or pay attention to her, the marriage is going to have a hard time staying relevant If he tells her he doesn't respect her, but he still loves her and pays attention to her. There is something they can work on to stay together. Although this is not the best scenario, the marriage still has a good shot at working.

Speaker 1:

Here is a good trick that helps husbands know how much their wives respect them. You get nothing else out of this book but this one idea. It will have been more than worth it. If the wife is home. When her husband comes home from work and is talking on the phone, she should speak loud enough for her husband to hear and say Esther, I have to get off the phone right now. My husband just walked in. At that point she should hang up the phone and immediately say hello to him. This is a game changer and it really works. The husband walks in feeling like a million bucks. This works better than if the wife goes up running to her husband, hugging and kissing him and telling how much she misses and loves him, which, by the way, rarely happens.

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After a few years of marriage or ever. Any negative feelings he has from a long day disappear in an instant. Why? Because his wife is demonstrating that she respects him and he feels like the king of the jungle. The same effect can be achieved even if the wife just is pretending to talk on the phone, even though it is a complete farce. As long as the husband feels respected, it will do wonders for his self-esteem. My guess is that if the husband does this trick to his wife, it will not have the same impact that it has on him. Women, try this trick and see what a difference it makes and how it shows you that it's important for men to feel respected. I know it works because I love when my wife does it and I know that many times when she does it, she is just pretending I don't care. It's showing me that she respects me and I love it.

Speaker 1:

If you are having a hard time showing your husband respect, find something, anything to show respect for him. Team 4, he sits around watching Netflix while you're cooking in the kitchen. Thank him for not bothering you so you can focus on getting dinner ready. Treat him like a man you respect and he will become a man you respect. Sometimes men just need the positive feedback to motivate them to do things that will create the positive feedback Attention the needs of the women. Now that we know that respect for a husband is more important than attention. How does a husband give his wife the attention that she is yearning for?

Speaker 1:

Every husband needs to ask his wife these three things when he comes home and sees his wife for the first time in many hours. Number one how are you feeling? Number two what did you do today? And number three what's on your mind? I know this is hard for men. We just discussed how some men don't really want to talk when they get home. This is a challenge that we men must face and hopefully overcome every day of our lives.

Speaker 1:

For those who have a misguided perception that men and women are exactly the same and have the same exact needs, just imagine a wife asking her husband these questions and you will see that it probably seems ridiculous. You bought this book because you wanted to get to the highest phase of love, so it's up to you if you want to have the best chance of getting there. Many of you would rather go more along than ask your wife these three questions. Some of you would even rather have a colonoscopy. I understand it's even hard for me, so I don't do it every day, just occasionally. If your wife knows that you occasionally ask these questions, or if she knows you even thought about asking these questions. It will definitely spice up your marriage If you are able to ask your wife these questions. You will definitely see a change in your marriage. If your wife answers the first question with a curt fine, she's not fine. Keep probing until you get to the reason she is upset. Go deeper with your questioning until you get an answer. Women need their husband to be able to listen to them, not have other answers. They are seeking For question number two what you do today. If you know about something that she did that day, specifically ask about that. Maybe she went to the doctor at a meeting at school. It shows that you are paying attention to her schedule, which means you are paying attention to her.

Speaker 1:

Three aspects of connecting with your spouse. The first question how are you feeling? Deals with her heart. This is her emotional side where she connects with you the most. The second question what did you do today? Deals with her daily activities that she uses her hands, legs and body. This is her physical side. Asking this question lets her know that you care what her life is like when you aren't with her. The third question what's on your mind? Deals with her brain. It shows her that you care what she is thinking about.

Speaker 1:

The reason for a husband to ask these questions is that it contains the three parts that form your bond to each other Physical, intellectual, emotional. Women strive on emotional connection, which they create through speaking and listening. This is why it's common to see women on the phone for hours. I know men talk on the phone also, just typically not as much. Men talk for the purpose of sharing ideas, while for women it is to connect with each other and build relationships. The emotional connection for a woman feels when she talks helps facilitate the passion in the relationship.

Speaker 1:

The number one reason couples divorce is infidelity, a physical relation with someone else. Although infidelity can occur from any reason, it is usually caused by a lack of emotional connection. As a husband, your job is to stay emotionally connected with your wife. This is why asking the three questions is so important. The three forms of connection that we just discussed form the acronym PI. This stands for physical, intellectual and emotional. This makes it easy to remember, because who doesn't love PI? What would be better than a PI? More than one PI? Make it PIs and you can add spiritual to the acronym. Generally, emotional connection is more important for the wife than the husband, although both spouses need it.

Speaker 1:

In Talmudic law, the punishment for a married man being unfaithful to an unmarried woman is less severe than for a married woman being unfaithful to any man. That doesn't seem fair in these modern times, especially when women have had to battle for equal opportunity. One unwritten possibility for the difference in punishment is that, since women are more emotionally connected to men with whom they have a physical relationship, it is less likely that a marriage will be healed when a woman is unfaithful. Men will more likely cheat because of an easy opportunity, not because he is looking for an emotional connection. When a woman cheats, it's only because she is looking for more emotional support than what her husband is giving her. Her needs are more emotional than physical. A husband is far less likely to be emotionally attached to the woman he is cheating with. It is more likely that he will be able to repair the marriage and stay emotionally connected to his wife. When a wife cheats, it is much harder to repair the marriage. This is just a generalization, which means there are exceptions.

Speaker 1:

Not every case of infidelity is the same. This is why many affairs happen with someone from their workplace. People spend many hours at work and can easily become emotionally attached to a co-worker. Something that even seems harmless, like hugging someone or the opposite sex, can cause problems. Your body will produce oxycontin, a chemical that creates a sense of attachment. This can even happen with a person that you would normally not find attractive. Feelings are difficult to control, but one thing we can do is control our actions. Our external actions can awaken our internal feelings, which means if you don't control yourself, your feelings for someone can intensify, and this will lead to problems. The more you hug someone, the more your feelings grow for them. This is why it can easily lead to sexual infidelity. Of course, this is one of the reasons why men should not touch women who are not their spouses.

Speaker 1:

Although most people will agree that this is bad, that is not the only kind of infidelity. Emotional infidelity with someone outside the marriage can be just as bad as, and easily lead to, adultery. Gary Newman, author of the book Emotional Infidelity, says the attention we pay to anyone should be mainly to our spouse. Marriage is about relating to a member of the opposite sex with intimacy that's experienced with no other. When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage. It breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does.

Speaker 1:

If you find yourself quick to dismiss my recommendation because it's ridiculous, unrealistic or any other pejorative, ask yourself whether you're being defensive. Challenge yourself to pinpoint the reasons you may find my advice so irritating. Could you be avoiding a deeper commitment to your spouse and looking for reasons to see connection elsewhere? He continues. When you get that ping of excitement from an emotional, stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex that's not your spouse, you're just chipping away at your marriage.

Speaker 1:

It's dangerous to your marriage, and not just because it may lead to intimacy. It drains your marriage of the immense energy it needs to grow, the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your spouse the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you were looking for elsewhere. This is why men need to stay emotionally connected with their spouses. Asking these three questions that wives need to hear will help them get there. In real estate investing, there is a theme that most buyers use when deciding if an investment will be successful Location, location, location. If you want passion in your marriage and a shot of getting to never leaving, you need to provide attention, attention, attention. This is Coach Ratner, the Living in Clarity podcast. I'll see you next time.