The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter#8

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Discover how to transform your marriage and reignite the passion with our latest episode of the Living in Clarity Podcast. Have you ever wondered how small changes can make a big impact on your relationship? Today, we uncover the secrets behind maintaining a loving and passionate marriage by focusing on positive communication, the benefits of strenuous exercise, and the power of minor adjustments. Learn how aiming for 100% positivity in your conversations can drastically improve your connection and why regular heart-pumping activities can enhance your mood and energy, revitalizing your marriage.

In this episode, we delve into the importance of minor course corrections, likened to the precision required in space missions, to maintain a balanced and passionate relationship. We'll explore practical solutions such as regular date nights and embracing periods of separation, and even dive into ancient traditions like the Jewish laws of family purity that have been shown to strengthen marital bonds. Gain insights on how to apply these timeless principles to your own relationship to lower divorce rates and rekindle intimacy and passion.

Ever wondered how adopting an infinite mindset can benefit your marriage? We take inspiration from Simon Sinek's "The Infinite Game" to discuss the importance of focusing on long-term goals in your relationship. Hear from renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, who reveals how recognizing and addressing contempt can prevent divorce, and understand the vital balance between enduring short-term pain for long-term happiness. Tune in as we share the complexities and joys of merging two souls into one harmonious union, helping you navigate challenges with foundational love and avoid the pitfalls of divorce.

Speaker 1:

This is Coach Radner of the Living in Clarity Podcast. We are on Chapter 8 of the audiobook Infinite Marriage. When to criticize your spouse? Never. Sometimes Never. But what about when they left their socks on the floor? Never. But what about when they left the toilet seat up? Never. But what about when they are constantly late? Never.

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Imagine someone wiping the sunscreen off you at the beach. That is what you are doing when you criticize someone. You are wiping away any romance that you built up for your spouse and allowing your marriage to burn. Most people don't take criticism. Well, and even though you are only criticizing an action, many people will take that as you being critical of them and not the action. You should do criticism, just like Corona, not the beer and cancer. You want no part of it.

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There is an important rule my wife reminds our family on a constant basis. It's called the 80-20 rule. What comes out of your mouth should be 80% positive and only 20% negative. I don't say that with your spouse, you should be shooting for 100% positive, only 20% negative. I would say that with your spouse, you should be shooting for 100% positive. Always compliment, never criticize, for every time you compliment your spouse, you are putting the sunscreen on and building the love. Every time you criticize your spouse, you're wiping off the sunscreen, making that burn much easier to get, making the relationship feel new again.

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Do you still have the passion you have with your spouse early in your marriage? No matter what you answer, it can always be better. There is an idea called the seven-year itch. It's not a skin disease, although if it is don't get it it sounds miserable. It just happens to be the average length of a marriage. It occurs after one spouse feels like they are missing the excitement of what a new relationship felt like. This is why they may start to search for someone else instead of kindling that same feeling again with their spouse. How can you make the relationship feel new again? How can you bring back some of that excitement and passion you had when you first met or got married? We're going to explore a few ideas that will help you keep passion in your marriage.

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Exercise. I believe that strenuous exercise will have a profound positive impact on your marriage and all your relationships. If you have to endure a little soreness, it will compare to the pain you'll have to go through with divorce. Anything that gets your heart pumping is great. I believe running is the best exercise because it is the most efficient. People try many things to look and feel young. Some take vitamins and some have plastic surgery, but in the end you will get the most impact from strenuous exercise.

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In today's modern world, most of us live sedentary lifestyles. No one needs to go to the river and carry back buckets of water for cooking or go hunting for dinner. We don't get the strenuous exercise we used to in our daily lives just to survive. Everything is accessible to us without much effort, but the lack of exercise will negatively affect your mood and how you relate with your loved ones. Exercise naturally produces a chemical in the brain called serotonin, or what is sometimes called the happy drug. As we get older, we produce less of it. Lower serotonin levels can lead to depression, anxiety, loss of sleep and a host of other symptoms. The good news is that regular exercise can positively impact your serotonin levels. Raising your levels of serotonin boosts your mood and overall sense of well-being. It will give you energy to bring passion into your physical relationship and allow you to have more patience with your spouse. You will be in a better mood overall and it will definitely have a positive impact on your marriage In colleges around the world, many students experiment with different kinds of drugs.

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They take them because people say they make you feel good. Running produces what I like to call free drugs. They cost no money, come with no bad side effects and you feel great. The benefits include better health, lower blood pressure and heart rate, reduced rates of diabetes, lower body weight, more energy and a host of other positive health effects. I want to be clear Although going for at least three mile walk may be good for you, it will not produce the serotonin you need to help you change your outlook on life.

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Whatever type of exercise you choose, it has to be something that brings your heart up rate significantly. You need to be sweating and breathing heavily. Sitting on a stationary bike and slowly pedaling while reading a book will not do it. Yoga is excellent for light health and flexibility, but unless you're doing yoga at a very high level, it's unlikely your yoga class is strenuous enough to make you produce serotonin Getting motivated to start exercising. Sometimes in life you just need to get up off the couch and get moving. You won't find your future spouse by sitting at home while eating bonbons. The same idea applies to exercise. You need to get off the couch and get started. This is the attitude I had to take in order to get myself back into shape.

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When I was in college, I worked for a pizza place, making pizzas from scratch. For every slice I sold, I would eat a slice and 25 pounds later I left college overweight. I was not happy with the way I looked or my stamina, so I decided to start running. I could only run one short block before I was out of breath. Still, I got off my bottom and ran a short block. It only took a few minutes, but that's how you start. Every day, I would try to add 20 or 30 feet to my run, which was the distance to the next driveway on the block. After a couple weeks I was able to run four blocks and soon after that I ran one mile. That was a big deal for me, because when you can run one mile, then two miles seemed like a possibility. And when you can run two miles mile, then two miles seems like a possibility. And when you can run two miles, then you can start thinking about running 5k and 10k races.

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At this point, you consider yourself a runner and now you're feeling so great that you don't want to stop, you can quickly see how this can positively change your life and you can feel how happy you are and how much energy you have. The exhilaration of a runner's high is when your body and soul are at peace. Working together, you will have much more passion, drive, desire, energy and stamina for anything you want, especially an awesome relationship. Just a little exercise every day can eventually make a big difference in your life, even just running a few blocks. If running seems too overwhelming, try breaking up into smaller pieces. Running a quarter mile four times a day is the same as running one mile once a day. I hope this next analogy will help motivate you to start taking the small steps that will lead you to the change that you are hoping to see.

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A NASA rocket scientist is sending a satellite to a planet in a galaxy far, far away, unbeknownst to him. The direction of the rocket is headed off by about one centimeter. No one notices the error until well after the rocket is headed off by about one centimeter. No one notices the error until well after the rocket has left Earth's atmosphere and entered outer space. It seems like just a tiny error can end up sending the satellite to a completely wrong galaxy, millions of miles from its intended destination. If it only takes a tiny error to throw the rocket off course by millions of miles, then making just a small correction earlier would have put the rocket back on track to reach its destination. If your life is off course, it will affect your relationships. Just one small change today can have a tremendous impact, months or years down the road.

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This analogy is for anything in life. Just start small, and eventually all those small changes in your life will put you back on course to improve the relationship you currently have. There is no excuse for you not to go out and run at the end of the block. There is no excuse for you not to run to the end of the block and back. Go, run now. Get rid of the uncertainty.

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There is an idea that I like to call sexual uncertainty. I originally called it sexual ambiguity, but with the transgender movement I decided to change the name. Sexual uncertainty is when one spouse wants to be intimate and the other is not interested. He's raring to go. She has a headache. She wants to be close to her husband, yet he's exhausted from work.

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The longer you are married, the more likely it is that sexual uncertainty can be an issue in your marriage. Of course, there's also the danger of monotony, which can easily happen. With a couple, you are hopefully with the same person for your whole life. How can you both keep the physicality and passion like it was earlier in the marriage? You've probably heard of date night as a way for married people to reconnect, especially if they have children. It may be easy to forget why you got married, and spending time alone with your spouse can help you re-engage with each other. It is very important that couples focus on themselves without their children. Date night may help with the sexual uncertainty issue, but not always. How can you solve this issue that plagues many marriages? Is there a way to remove sexual uncertainty so when you go to bed, you are clear on whether you will be physical together while keeping the relationship exciting, physical together while keeping the relationship exciting.

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Fire and water don't mix well. I heard an amazing idea from Rabbi YY Jacobson about marriage. Every couple wants to dream and dreams of two things a fire-like relationship and a water-like relationship. What's the difference between fire and water? Fire is hot, passionate, electrifying, represents a relationship that's full of desire, excitement, zest and love. This is the part that many couples remember consistently having early in their marriage. The hard part is keeping this feeling alive. We want to feel that when our spouse walks into the room, we yearn to be close to them with the desire and ability to unleash our passion and to connect as one soul. On the other hand, water represents a relationship that is reliable, calm, tranquil, placid and consistent, akin to a small stream, with a relaxing sound of water trickling over small rocks. We need that in our marriage because a relationship can't be just based on fire. We need time to ourselves where we can be calm and introspective.

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Relationships just based on water may work for a while because you can rely on your spouse. They may become almost like a loyal business partner. They are always there when you need them, but you eventually miss the fire. Here's where the challenge lies. For some couples, fire and water can't survive together. There isn't a scientist in the world who hasn't been able to combine them. Either the fire makes the water evaporate or the water puts out the fire. How can you? You be with your spouse and have both a fire relationship and a water-like relationship?

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The monthly honeymoon. We can learn something about marriage from the Torah that has been passed down and kept alive for thousands of years. You do not need to be Jewish or have any religious identity to learn from this. If something has worked for thousands of years, it probably has some validity. These traditions are called the laws of family purity.

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When a woman gets her monthly cycle, the husband and wife separate for about two weeks. They don't hug or kiss each other. Until the two weeks are over, spouses do not even touch each other or sleep in the same bed. During these two weeks. There is a shift in the relationship because, with the physical relationship no longer in the way, the emotional connection takes the stage front and center. Then, as the two weeks draw to a close, there is an increased desire that can play out in a very romantic way, and then, when the two weeks are over, there is a thrilling tension in the house that draws spouses closer to each other Like anything in the world. When something is always available, it's never as exciting, and that special feeling you had with your spouse when you first got married fades away. When the break is finally over, the woman immerses herself in a spiritual bath called a mikvah, and then it's time for the fireworks, just like being on their honeymoon. The desire to be passionately together returns just as when they were first together. This may be one of the many reasons why the divorce rate in the observant Jewish world is as low as 10%.

Speaker 1:

After many years of marriage, I can certainly see how that two-week span of only intellectual and emotional connection can really tighten the bond of marriage. It was certainly hard to see this play out when I was not religious. Think about the stumbling block that goes up to someone who is not religious when a rabbi tells you that you cannot touch your wife for almost two weeks. That was one of the more difficult Jewish laws I had to overcome. Thankfully, I let my ego get out of the way and I now understand the importance of this in a marriage.

Speaker 1:

Any amount of time spent taking a physical break will be a start towards bringing the passion back into your marriage. The dilemma of sexual uncertainty will disappear from your life when bringing this concept into your marriage. It will bring freshness and clarity, because you are either on or you are off. There is no more uncertainty of being ambiguous about being physical. This takes a tremendous amount of stress off that part of the relationship. Furthermore, for the two, all weeks a woman will generally make herself available to her husband no more I have a headache or I'm too tired, and during the off night time there is no last minute disappointment or ambiguity. The physical break may be hard to attempt in your marriage, but if you make the effort, you will find a passionate relationship as the reward. It is easy to find someone and get to the commitment stage. What is more difficult is to get to the phase of never leaving. Just as running may be the most efficient method of exercise, taking a physical break from your spouse may also be the most efficient way for a passion to permeate your relationship the Infinite Marriage Matrix.

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If you ever have been in a relationship, did you ask yourself if this was going to be a short-term fling or something that was going to last forever? Last forever. If you are reading this book, then obviously you want your marriage to last forever, but maybe the way you act when you are married does not coincide with that way of thinking. If you want to have the greatest chance of having a long-term success in all your relationships, you need to change how you view it, especially if you want it to be forever. The infinity marriage matrix is where your marriage is being nurtured, developed, nurtured and built not just for your entire life, but will continue with your children and for all subsequent generations afterward. And this all originates from you. The effort you put into your marriage is not just a one and done. Everything you do to make a great marriage now will continue well past your lifetime. This is really the key to building anything that will have long-term success. If you want your children to have a great marriage, you must show them one.

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In Simon Sinek's bestselling book the Infinite Game, he discusses that anytime you go into a business with the thinking that your goals are finite, you have less of a chance of building a long-term successful business. Finite thinking means you are basing every decision on how it will get you to your short-term goal. Many business executives are only concerned with their current year's company financial position and growth prospects, even though that is not what they may communicate with investors. It's because their pay package may be based on short-term financial or sales targets. The infinite mindset is when you're concerned with what the company will be doing in 20 years, 30 years or even later. Amazon is a perfect example of this. For years, amazon was losing money and many investors were wondering how could this company ever make money? It is now one of the most valuable businesses of all time. Jeff Bezos, the founder and CEO, was concerned about building this company for the future, and he still is. He really didn't care what short-term traders thought about his company's financials. All he cared about was where his business was going to be in 20 years and for continuing decades.

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Someone who builds their business with the infinite mindset is someone who wants to live the last generations well beyond one's lifetime. People who think for the long term will have a much higher chance of long-term success. This same thinking is exactly how you need to view your marriage. Building an infinite marriage matrix should be even easier than building an infinite business. Businesses always have to worry about running out of money or not finding any more funding to keep it running. They may not have the advantage of building a business for later years. They need to make money so they can survive now.

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Trying to improve your marriage generally does not involve having to worry about running out of money. A spouse just has to worry about running out of patience. What is an infinite marriage based on? We touched on this earlier in the book about getting married for the purpose of having children or any physical reason. One need to have children is a great reason for wanting to get married, but not the only reason. There must be more to your marriage than something physical. Thinking beyond your lifetime is usually not on your mind when you're dating, but this is something you should start to think about when you are at the beginning of the commitment phase. How do you base your marriage on the infinity marriage matrix? How can you begin the commitment phase of your relationship, working toward building a great foundation for your entire life and, hopefully, future generations? Here are 10 keys that can help you get started. Some of these ideas are already sprinkled throughout the book, but I want to focus on them together. Just as Steve Jobs built Apple and Warren Buffett built Berkshire Hathaway, you are also building the foundation that has just as much chance to be successful in your generation as these businesses' leaders have in their companies.

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Number one never raise your voice. I know this may be hard for some people. You can learn to do this with some practice. Some people count to ten when they are angry, some others bite their tongue and some go into the room and beat up a pillow. Understanding the infinite marriage matrix will make it so much easier for you to hold back your anger and desire to yell and scream when you know that your raised voice will affect how your spouse or children will react to situations in the future. It will make it much easier for you to hold back. Generally, when someone has the tendency to scream, it's because their parents did the same thing. If, for some reason, you can't hold it back, make sure you stop quickly and speak in a calming voice as soon as you are able, if you can't leave the room and go somewhere else where you can't convent without anyone hearing or seeing you, and then you can be the papilla if you need to.

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Number two be resilient. Resilience is one of the best traits to have in a spouse. Resilient people do not get stressed out from tough situations. They don't complain about dirty hotels. Instead, they say they're happy they don't have to sleep on the park bench. They don't complain about airline food. Instead, they comment how amazing it is that they're sitting in an aluminum tube, flying 60 miles per hour at 40,000 feet above the earth, while the flight attendant is pouring them a 7-up and giving them a hot meal. They don't complain about a dirty glass at a restaurant. They take their napkin and wipe it down. They don't panic and go to the hospital when their child has a fever or hits their head on the corner of a table. They wait calmly and use ice or a cold bath to reduce the fever or swelling. They don't panic about the current diseases being plastered all over the media. They think for themselves and take precautions that make sense.

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Number three be vulnerable. Being vulnerable allows your true feelings to show themselves, and it's usually a trait of emotionally healthy people. Rabbi Abraham Tversky taught us a lot about being vulnerable from the example of a lobster. A lobster is a soft, mushy animal that lives underwater in a hard shell. When its body grows, it becomes very uncomfortable because its shell does not grow with it. So it goes through a molting process where it sheds its shell. When the shell falls off, the lobster becomes vulnerable because it has no protection from predatory animals. It then hides under a rock or reef until it grows a new, larger shell. The lobster goes through this process multiple times in its life. When we feel uncomfortable or in emotional pain, what do we do? What many of us don't do is figuratively lose our shell and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and grow. Instead, we go see a doctor who may prescribe Valium or Percocet. These drugs get many people through the day without feeling much pain, but some of us take such drugs without having visible pain.

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Being vulnerable requires you to shed your shell and become emotionally vulnerable. You cannot be real with yourself when you are trying to please others. Be someone you aren't or are holding in your feelings. Holding in your feelings will eventually cause emotional problems, and that is how a finite relationship is made. An infinite relationship is when you're willing to be vulnerable. Be real with your insecurities and anxieties. Tackle them head on. This reality punch is not easy, but it's a way to become emotionally close to someone. No one likes to be vulnerable. It's hard to say I'm wrong, it's hard to say I love you and it's hard to say I need help. You can't grow as a human and be the person you're capable of being until you can be vulnerable, especially with your spouse.

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Number four judge everyone favorably. It is very easy to find fault with people and always focus on their negative characteristics, even if you only do it with people you don't know well, someone who is working on an infinite relationship will focus on the positive aspects of everyone they meet, especially those they don't know. If you can judge people you don't know favorably. Think about how much easier it will be to judge the closest person in your life, your spouse favorably. One way to deal with this is to imagine everyone knew that you meet is a 50 chapter book. What you're experiencing with someone, especially if it is negative, is just one chapter. You happen to see they may be in chapter 25 of their lives and you have no idea what happened in the first 24 chapters. They may have gone through emotional trauma or you may be lacking crucial information on why they are acting that way. Remembering this will help you keep your temper and condemnation in check. You have no idea what the last chapters of the book will look like. Their last chapter may turn out to have a fantastic, happy ending.

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Number five speak positively. An infinite marriage matrix environment starts with positive speech, which means you should never criticize your spouse. Positive speech can build up people just as much as negative speech can tear them down. Almost every situation can be dealt with positive words and when you start to think that way, that will then become your default speech. Number six love life. Enjoy rainy days, muddy floors and dirty cars. Open the doors and windows to your house and let the fresh air in. So what if bugs get into your house? Remember you're resilient now, so you won't worry about a few bugs that will eventually die or fly out the window.

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Number seven never quit, never quit. Never show that you're a quitter. It is okay to walk away from a situation in order to get some clarity, but always come back and continue to try. Show that you can think out of the box. When you quit, you are in a finite relationship. Think infinite and never give up.

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Number eight don't pick things personally. No one is out to get you. Whenever your spouse does something that you feel is personally insulting, don't take it personally. You may feel like they are doing it on purpose, but most people really want to do the right thing. They just can't help acting that way. They may have come from a dysfunctional family or have enormous insecurities. Finite relationships are made when each partner takes everything personally. Infinite relationships are built knowing your partner only wants the best for you and will never do anything to hurt you. The best way to release the stress of dealing with a difficult person is to feel sorry for them, and way to release the stress of dealing with a difficult person is to feel sorry for them and try to help if possible. Someone who behaves inappropriately is dealing with a lot more emotional baggage than what you may be carrying. Be grateful that you are not going through what they are. They can also make a positive change and turn into an amazing person later on. Although you can't change someone, you can change your reaction to them, which may help them to change.

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Number nine C try to see someone else's perspective. Try to look at things from the other person's perspective. You view the world one way and your spouse view things a different way, because our experiences define our reality. If you lived in a messy house your whole life and your spouse always had everything neat and tidy, you both have different experiences that you are accustomed to, and those experiences create your realities. Those differences in realities can cause problems. One spouse may yell why can't you be this way? The answer to this question is because they are not you. You do things one way and your spouse does things another way. That does not make them wrong. They just have different perspectives than you. Keep the judgmental attitude out of your life and learn to compliment instead of criticize.

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Number 10. Always think about how your actions will affect others. This is the infinite marriage matrix in a nutshell. If whatever you are doing will negatively affect others around you and possibly generations down the line, maybe this is something you should forego doing. This can include many things fighting, screaming, lying, arguing, cheating, acting irresponsible and being critical. Ultimately, you want to be an inspiration for your spouse and family when Divorce is Necessary.

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Although marriage can be hard, if you don't have the proper tools, I've been told that divorce will even be worse. Divorce is often compared to death. This is why not discussing divorce in a book about love would just be sweeping under the proverbial rug. The idea that if we don't talk about it, then it doesn't exist is not something that will install clarity in your life. One of the reasons I decided to write this book is I discovered that it is hard to sell or even give away a book on marriage. If you have a great marriage, you feel like you have no need to read a book about something you don't need help with. If you are in a miserable marriage, it hurts too much to read what will take you to improve your marriage. But everyone wants to be in love and if you have a clear understanding of what love is, you'll have a better shot of a great marriage. This is why I decided to combine love, dating and marriage into one book. The chance of getting divorced starts the day you get married. That should motivate you enough to learn as much as you can before any problems start. Many divorces could have been avoided if just a few of the concepts in this book were learned early in the marriage.

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John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, claims that he can predict when the divorce will happen with 94% accuracy. He will bring a married couple into his lab and monitor their vital signs while trying to find the one flashpoint that will cause the couple to disagree. What he is looking for is something called contempt. This is when one person not only disagrees with the other but has no respect for what they think. It's not quite anger or just differing of opinions. It is one person rolling their eyes and thinking that anyone who has this opinion is an idiot. Of course, the contempt for someone would not be as strong if they were not married. If you had these same differences with an acquaintance, it would not be such a big issue. Contempt is a clear indicator of a marriage in trouble, because it can tear love apart. Content is like swimming in the ocean without constantly adding sunscreen. Eventually it will all disappear and you will get badly burnt. Because we live in a throwaway society. Marriage has also become much more easily disposable. We don't even second guess anymore when we find someone is divorced. It's almost expected in some communities.

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My opinion of why couples get divorced is that it happens when the pain of being married outweighs the pleasure. You can handle pain in many situations, but you have to be able to foresee what the future pleasure is going to be. If there is no pleasure coming to you, you will then have a hard time being able to handle the pain. It is only when you are able to focus on the pleasure that you will be able to handle the pain. Is there a lot of pain in being an Olympic athlete? You bet they work their entire lives to get to the top of their game and sacrifice sleep, schooling and free time. They are able to go through that pain because they know what pleasure awaits them for all their hard work. Imagine a group of boys playing basketball in the hot summer sun. They can play for hours non-stop, but if you take away the ball and ask them to continue playing, they would not last five minutes Because they can handle the pain when they're enjoying the pleasure of playing basketball. Take away the ball and even though they're doing basically the same thing, the pleasure would be gone and running up and down the court for even a short time would become unbearably painful.

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How do you know when it's time to get a divorce when the pain is so bad, after you've exhausted all attempts to repair the marriage, imagine you get into a car accident and you injure your leg badly. The doctor tells you in the hospital that he has a 50-50 chance of saving your leg, but it'll be very, very painful and may take five years of surgery and therapy. He then tells you that you can avoid all the additional surgeries and years of pain, but he will have to amputate your leg. What would you do? Would you go through all the years of pain to save your leg? You most likely would be willing to deal with the pain to save your leg. This is the analogy of what it takes to save a marriage. It is painful to repair but will probably be a very difficult emotional roller coaster you may not want to go through. If you think about how much pain you would go through to save your leg, you should be willing to go through even more pain to save a marriage. It is only when the pain of the leg becomes severe enough that you're willing to get it amputated. It is that same type of pain coming from your marriage that will let you know it is time to get a divorce.

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The reason that divorce is so prevalent is that people are not willing to go through the pain of saving a marriage. This is another reason why you should view marriage as a merger of two souls. If you consider your spouse part of you, then you would be more likely to try to save your marriage, just like you would try to save your leg. Almost every marriage will go through some sort of pain process. In order not to get divorced, you have to keep your eye on the pleasure, and that is focusing on why you fell in love in the first place. This is Coach Ratner Living Clarity Podcast. We'll see you next time.