The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter #7

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Ever wondered why some marriages thrive while others fall apart? Join us on the Living in Clarity Podcast as we uncover the crucial steps to building a strong, lasting marriage. We kick off this episode by exploring the Commitment phase, emphasizing the importance of both physical attraction and aligning life goals before saying "I do." Learn how to gauge whether you and your partner are truly compatible by discussing essential priorities like children, leisure, and community involvement. These foundational elements ensure your relationship is built to last through the ups and downs of life.

But the journey doesn't end at the altar. This episode also highlights the ongoing effort required to maintain a romantic relationship. Respecting each other's hobbies, decisions, and priorities is key, and we delve into how to navigate these differences effectively. Imagine love as sunscreen at the beach—it needs constant application to prevent it from fading away. Through compelling metaphors and real-life insights, we stress the importance of continuous nurturing. Tune in to hear how to recognize the early signs of a faltering relationship and take proactive steps to avoid the regret and heartache of a love that has burnt away.
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This is the Living in Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner. We are continuing with our audiobook Infinite Marriage, phase 3, the Commitment. There is no one in the world who is perfect, but there is someone perfect for you. The commitment phase begins when you have finished the research phase of your relationship. You discovered no flaws serious enough to keep you moving forward towards spending a long life together. Just be aware that some of the flaws will not show up until years later in the marriage. This is why you must focus on the definition of love and marriage. You have also determined that this is not just an infatuation, but real love. It may not have been one decision or one aha moment that you got to this point, but a series of things have helped you to enter this phase. The word commitment has several definitions, but at a minimum it means you want to pursue the relationship in a deeper, more meaningful way. It means you are off the market and you exclusively focus on this person. It does not mean that you have to get married, but generally that is what this phase leads to for most people. Everything in this phase is what I consider to be the baseline of what it takes to even get close to the never-leaving phase.

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This chapter should be required reading for every person considering marriage. There's three questions you must ask before getting married. Question number one am I physically attracted to this person? Appearance is very important and you must be attracted to them on a physical level, but that includes being attracted to their inner beauty more than just their outward appearance. As we mentioned earlier in the crush phase, the more you get to know someone, the better looking they appear, and the opposite is true too. The more you see someone you don't like, the uglier they get. Do you remember the funniest guy or gal back in high school or college? They were usually dating a pretty good-looking person, even though they themselves weren't so attractive. Funny people make you feel good about yourself, which will compensate for any lack of natural beauty. You may be physically attracted to the person you will eventually marry, but that does not make them physically attracted to other people. You might like someone who is an intellectual, a good listener or someone who really understands you. Whatever the reason you like someone, the deeper you get to know and understand that person, the more attractive they become to you. No one else has to live with this person except you, so it doesn't really matter what other people think. This is why filling in the worksheet in phase one is so important. On a note, this worksheet is on my website, codetradercom. It will help clarify who will be compatible hue for a spouse. Question one is straightforward, because most of us will answer yes to that question. The reason that this needs to be asked is because if you are still in the crush or research phase of dating and you are having a hard time with their physical appearance that will probably not change later on it may be a sign you need to end it.

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Question number two Do you share meaningful life goals and values? Before you make a full commitment, you need to discuss a series of questions to figure out if you both share meaningful life goals and values. We discussed this earlier in the book, but here we'll go into it some more. There are questions that most people probably never bothered discussing, which leads to the poor marriage statistics.

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Most people go through life never getting to the core of why they do anything in life. Usually, decisions are made based on societal views without people thinking for themselves. If you want to live with real clarity, keep asking until you get the real why? Why are you getting married? Why do you want to live with real clarity. Keep asking until you get the real why. Why are you getting married? Why do you want children? How much will religion be a part of your lives? What type of community do you want to be involved in? Will it be a body, ego or soul-based relationship? Will you be giving to others of your time and our money? If so, why? And if not, why not?

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Why is it important that you discuss your meaningful life goals and values, because most people spend more time planning their wedding day than planning their marriage. How long does a wedding last? Maybe five hours max. Yet how long does a marriage last? Hopefully forever, but unfortunately, the average marriage will only last about seven years in the non-religious world. Unless you discuss your meaningful life goals in advance, couples will spend an enormous amount of time planning their future wedding, from who is going to make the A-list to which cousins they are not going to invite. Then there is everything that is involved in planning the wedding dinner party, caterer, music, photographer, color scheme, location, date and menu. Some brides will travel across the country and spend a small fortune just to be fitted for an Oscar de la Renta dress and Christian Louboutin shoes that they will only wear once in their life. Some people even spend more on their wedding clothes than others spend on their entire wedding. Do you think that should be your priority? Meaningful life goals are not just deciding on stunning wedding dresses. Your first meaningful talk should be about children. What are your priorities regarding how you will raise them? Then you will need to discuss how you will spend your free time. Will you just be going to sporting events and vacations, or do you plan to volunteer and help people less fortunate than you? Remember? Although something may not be important now, it might become important as you get older.

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You are on a vacation in New York City on a sightseeing boat touring around Manhattan. Suddenly, you see a young boy fall overboard. You scream for help, but everyone around you is immobilized and panicked. You jump in to save the boy yourself and, with help from the crew, you are able to get him back on board. The boy is crying but physically unharmed. You're exhausted and traumatized, but thrilled that you were able to save a life. You go back to your hotel room and shower off all the muck from the Hudson River and fall on the bed, exhausted. After many years and countless vacations all over the world. Which vacation do you think will be the most memorable, if it's not the vacation where you save the boy? You have a lot of work to do. There's almost nothing that will bring more meaning to your life than saving someone's life, especially a small boy. Meaning and purpose are an important part of a relationship that we ultimately cherish long-term.

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In Stephen Covey's highly successful book, the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, habit number two says to start with the end game in mind, this book being about success in business, you expect them to write about what one's plans should be for business when one retires. Do you want to sell it, give it to your children or go public with it? However, kovey really means what will your legacy be after your death? Not in business, but in life, he said. To ask yourself this question what do you want people to say at your funeral? This way, you can clarify if what you're doing is important. Do you die wealthy? Do you want to be eulogized by your expensive cars and houses? Do you die wealthy? Do you want to be eulogized by your expensive cars and houses? Do you want to be remembered for being such a hardworking person that you never took a weekend off at the expense of your family, or would you rather be remembered for the time you spent with your family and friends and all the philanthropy you accomplished in your life? Probably no one ever says in this deathbed I wished I worked more hours.

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I have a friend who became a millionaire after selling his company. He then built a mansion and put all his money into very safe investments. Now he is working on building another company that he hopes to sell for even more money. This first I suggested that, aside from investing his money and building his new business, it would be worthwhile for him to give donations to charitable causes. When your life is based more on meaningful life goals than money, you'll find your marriage will be more meaningful as well. This is why a Torah-based lifestyle based on values given by our Creator will help you to have a marriage that will get to never leaving. Learning to be a giver will help you have a better relationship, because you are able to achieve a deeper and more meaningful love when you give.

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Remember what we said was the feeling of being in love To give to someone else without wanting anything in return. The feeling of being in love is something that we all want, and if giving to others helps us feel that way. Maybe we should even give to others that are not our spouse. How much more pleasure and meaning will you get in life? Also, the best way to teach your child to be givers is if they see you give. Actions speak louder than words, especially with children. There are only two things you leave behind in this world your children and your good deeds. Your deeds are a reflection of what you accomplished in this world, and your children are a reflection of you. Leave a positive legacy.

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There was a famous story about Edward Reichland, a Jewish-Israeli billionaire. He made an unusual request in his final directive before he died. He requested that he be buried wearing his favorite pair of socks. In Jewish tradition, you were only allowed to be buried in white linen cloth, nothing else. When it came time for the burial, the local religious authority would not allow it. He was buried, against his wishes, without his socks. Thirty days later, when his will was read, it stated that he had hoped he was buried without his socks, going against his previous request. Why, then, did he request to be buried in his socks? Because he wanted to teach his children a lesson. The letter read Despite the fact that I am worth billions of dollars and own buildings and houses all over the world. No matter how much I had, I couldn't even take a cheap pair of socks with me to the next world.

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Before you make a commitment, make sure to discuss exactly how you want to be remembered. Think about the legacy you want to leave and figure out if both of you have the same meaningful life goals and values. Question number three for men Am I willing to make my spouse happy for the rest of my life? If you can answer yes to this question, you will have an amazing marriage. You need to think beyond your potential spouse now and imagine them 20, 30, or 40 years down the road. After all, raising children, doing housework and investing in a career can take a toll on people, both physically and mentally. Furthermore, as a person ages, gravity will eventually win the battle over Pilates and yoga. And mentally, furthermore, as a person ages, gravity will eventually win the battle over Pilates and yoga, and some of our physical attributes can start to sag. Although my wife and I are now in our 50s, which means we are nowhere near the same shape we were on our marriage day, I find my wife exceedingly more attractive than she was 21 years ago, now 23. Besides, having meaningful life goals and values that are in sync, the more I make her happy, the more she wants to make me happy.

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If you can't imagine when to make your spouse happy after they gain 200 pounds, or if they are going to go through some emotional issues, then, houston, we have a problem. If you still say to yourself that you will be willing to make them happy, no matter their emotional state or what they look like, then you are on the right path. Just make sure you agree on the definition of the word happy before you decide to get married. If you're a man, buying your wife a kegerator may make you happy, but it won't necessarily make her happy.

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Question number three for women Do I respect my future spouse? Do you admire your potential husband for his abilities, qualities and achievements? If you can't answer yes to that question, run away. You must respect the person you are going to marry. You can't say I'll only respect them if they change their job or improve their character flaws. You have to accept your husband for who he is, because most probably he will not change after marriage. If you are not happy with what he is like now, then you probably won't be happy with him. Later your future husband may say he's willing to improve himself, but you can't rely on that.

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Let's say your future husband does something that you feel are immature. For example, his favorite hobby is spending hours in the basement playing with electric trains. That feeling isn't going to disappear after you get married. If you think that once you get married that he's going to abandon that hobby, you might be disappointed. You have to respect that is how he enjoys spending his free time. If your husband wants to learn full-time but you would rather him go out and get a job, that will be a major issue going forward. Suppose your spouse wants to go back to school and become a partner at a law firm. This will require long hours of study and busy weekends with less time for relaxation and doing things together. They might expect you to support the family and take care of housework while they are in school.

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If you choose to marry a particular person, you must respect their decisions and priorities. There needs to be open communication between you and your future spouse. Feelings of lack of respect need to be discussed, not suppressed. Being honest with your feelings before the marriage will remove a lot of ambiguity and you will have a much stronger emotional footing. When you get married In a Jewish home, both spouses always need to be learning and continuing on the path of trying to improve themselves within all aspects of their lives.

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Even if one spouse is not at the same level of religiosity, they need to at least be willing to continue growing. Be careful of someone who is inflexible, because this trait will keep them from improving themselves. Inflexibility can be a good quality when you want to uphold your morals, but inflexibility concerning your spouse will affect the relationship negatively. When Yaakov Avinu had the dream of the ladder going from the earth to heaven, he dreamed that the angels were going constantly up and down the ladder. The ones going up were leaving him and the ones coming down were accompanying him to Haran. Whomever you decide to marry, they must have a foot on that ladder, be willing to climb higher. If they don't, you could be in for a rough, tough marriage. The foot on the ladder means they are willing to grow, even though they might not be on the same rung as you. When my wife and I started our Jewish journey, we definitely were not on the same rung. In fact, she was much higher than me. The key was that I was willing to jump on the ladder and take a few steps.

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The one thing that held me back from growing spiritually faster was my ego. Once I was able to get over the fact that I don't know everything and open my heart to allow God to enter, then I started my slow calling. What held me back was that when I was single, I did so many activities I thought were so paramount to who I was as a person mainly sports. When it was all said and done, the activity that was the main focus of my life was essentially a waste of time. Ironically, when it was time to plan our wedding day, sports were not on my mind at all, and I somehow completely forgot to check the football schedule before we picked the date of our wedding.

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It turned out that the Washington Redskins had a game at the exact time we got married. I couldn't believe that I completely overlooked that. Of course, I canceled the wedding to watch the game. All kidding aside, no, I didn't watch the game, nor did I even think about it. It didn't matter that I missed the game, because I was engaged in an activity that was way more meaningful. I was originally inflexible about missing games, but I quickly learned that if something isn't meaningful, it will override anything else in your life. My wife recognized my willingness and ability to grow as a person. Even though I may have been inflexible at first about my love of football, she saw potential in me that others didn't see. If you respect your spouse, you may choose to overlook certain character flaws if you feel they have the potential for growth. You need to decide which character flaws are deal breakers and where there is room for compromise. When you respect your future spouse, you will have a much higher chance of being in a marriage in which you are never leaving. That is certainly a question worth asking.

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Sunscreen love. Imagine you're at the beach on a sweltering summer day. You lather up with some SPF 30 on your body and go into the ocean to cool off. The sunscreen will stick to your skin for a short swim, but the more you go into the water, the more likely the sunscreen will wash off your body. What most people do to avoid getting a sunburn is to lather on sunscreen periodically throughout the day. This is the analogy that I'm going to use for love. If you are not constantly working on loving your spouse, you may find that the love you have for each other will dissipate, just like the sunscreen. Keeping sunscreen on is the same as love it takes constant monitoring. The reason you forget to apply sunscreen is you are also busy playing in the waves, building sandcastles and taking leisurely walks on the beach that you completely forgot. This is the same as life.

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When we are too busy doing our normal work to bring romance to our relationship, the love may falter. There are many things we confuse with love Desire, infatuation, lust, physical attraction and romance. These are just tools to get to the real love. But romance is the work that you will have to do to achieve and remain in love. Romance is the constant slathering of the sunscreen. It is unlikely that you are thinking that romance is work when you are in the early part of a healthy relationship. The reason why it does not feel like work is because it comes naturally. Live with someone for 20 or 30 years and it won't come so naturally. You'll have to make an effort.

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When you meet someone for the first time, you are on the lookout for yourself. You will unlikely be thinking I went to date so I could fulfill someone else's emotional, intellectual and physical needs. That is not reality, because you are focused on what you're getting and looking out for yourself, not what you can give. Why? Because it's only when you are in real love that you will start wanting to give to someone else without expecting anything in return. There is a certain amount of excitement when dating. Everything is new and the unknown future is sometimes more exciting than the true reality. Once you get to the commitment phase, there is no more unknown, and that's what may take the excitement level down a few notches. It may be that the original excitement level that we had early on fueled some of that desire we had. This is why we need to understand that love takes constant maintenance. It is not given that because you love someone at one time, it will continue forever. If that were the case, there would be no divorce.

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How do we keep love in the marriage? Realize that every feeling you have for the person you're going to marry is just a step toward the love you want to acquire for them, but also realize that it can't come by itself. It requires an effort on your part. That effort to acquire love is called romance. It requires an effort on your part. That effort to acquire love is called romance. First, you need infatuation, lust and desire. Remember those are not love. It is only when you start a romantic relationship that turns those other feelings into love. Romance is not something outside of marriage. It is also part of marriage and a tool that will get your marriage to the phase of never leaving.

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Let's define romance as the behaviors through which someone expresses their intimate feelings and emotions toward another person. It is the act of showing your love for someone else. It is the little things you do on an ongoing basis Touching, hugging, brushing up against them, writing love notes, spending quality time together and words of affection are all examples of romance. You must be showing romance to your spouse and you also must be receiving it in a positive way. It is important to know your spouse's love. You also must be receiving it in a positive way. It is important to know your spouse's love language so you can express the love in a way that makes them feel loved. For example, if your love language is physical touch and you try to express your love with physical touch, but your spouse's love language is words of affection, then you need to make an effort to use words of affection so your spouse feels loved. If you have a hard time with any of these, you may need to seek professional advice or go to the chapter that discusses when divorce may be necessary. There is an effort to acquire love, and that is romance. Romance is the behavior through which someone expresses their intimate feelings and emotions toward another person.

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The best way to see real love is to watch an older couple in their 80s. There is no more love than physical desire. The physical part of the relationship is definitely not the main focus, yet they are completely devoted and care for one another. They certainly don't look the same way they did when they were in their 20s. Unless she or she or her share those tools of desire, lust and passion are no longer needed, although the desires did serve their purpose when it mattered. Maybe that's why God designed us such, so that we are attractive when we are young, so we can woo the opposite gender and acquire the lust and desire that will lead to love.

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You have probably read or heard stories about an older person take care of their spouse when they were suffering from Alzheimer's. Why do they care of someone who doesn't remember them anymore? Because this is what real love is, not what I can get out of a relationship, but what can I give. It's also the same reason why, when your old college buddy got sick and died, while you may have not gone to visit them when they were in poor health, you had a very strong desire to go to the funeral. They won't know if you don't show up, but you still go because you had a strong love for them. And now it's just about giving of your time without getting anything back. It is the ultimate gesture to show your love for someone.

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A failed marriage is just like getting a sunburn. You don't know that you're burnt until later in the day when it's too late to add more sunscreen. When do many spouses realize that their marriage has fallen apart? Many times not until one person files for divorce. Well past the time to do anything about it. How many times have you heard about a divorce where one spouse had no idea their relationship was faltering? Unfortunately, it is not so uncommon. Love takes work and maintenance, just like putting on sunscreen. Do not assume that it will stay without any work and constant vigilance. If you don't put on sunscreen, you may get badly sunburned, and if you don't constantly work on the romance in a relationship, your love could burn away. And that is much more worse than a sunburn for which no amount of aloe will help you. This is the Living 30 Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner and we'll see you next time.