The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter #5

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Ever wondered why some marriages thrive while others merely survive? On the latest episode of the Living Clarity Podcast, we promise you'll uncover the secret to sustaining a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship. Coach Ratner reveals why shared meaningful life goals, rather than mere common interests, are the glue that holds relationships together. With insights rooted in his own dating experiences and a fascinating example from the cooking show "Chopped," he makes a compelling case for the transformative power of a shared purpose. Gain valuable wisdom on how a belief system can enrich your emotional health and bring depth to your relationship.

In the second half of our episode, prepare to rethink the balance between your physical desires and spiritual needs. Coach Ratner delves into the essence of spirituality, defining it as the intricate interplay between our soul and body. Through real-life scenarios, including a student's relationship dilemma and the poignant metaphor of sudden death, we explore how prioritizing spiritual well-being over physical urges can lead to more harmonious relationships and a fulfilling life. Tune in to discover how aligning your soul with meaningful goals can pave the way for deeper connections and a richer life experience.

Speaker 1:

This is the Living Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner. We're continuing our reading of the audiobook Infinite Marriage the Four Phases of a Loving Relationship Shared Meaningful Life Goals and Values. During the research stage, you really need to find shared meaningful life goals and values with the person you are dating. Do not confuse this with having common interests, which is basically your hobbies and other things that you enjoy in your free time. Having common interests can be very comforting. It is great if your date has the same dry sense of humor or if you both love the color purple or the singer Mordahai Shapiro. That's a bonus. But if you really want someone to enjoy your hobbies with, find a friend to spend time with who shares the same interests. That's what friends are for. This does not mean you can't marry someone that has the same hobbies. It's just not the special ingredient you need to get to never leaving. This topic is so important that we will discuss shared meaningful life goals and values more in depth in Phase 3.

Speaker 1:

I used to live in the Washington DC area in the 1980s and 90s. You could not turn on the local news without hearing about the Washington Redskins, the local football team. It was a big part of many people's lives. The team won three Super Bowls in 10 years, so fans in the DC area were fanatic about them. I had asked almost every woman I went out with Do you like watching the Redskins games? Almost every woman said yes, truthfully. After dating for a while, most of them could not care less about football. They said they were interested in it, probably because they thought that it would make me happy and that we had the same interest. In the beginning of dating, having the same common interests may be beneficial, but many years later, after marriage and children, those common interests will have little to do with the quality of your relationship. Once married with children. Do you think couples are still working out together, watching football, playing softball or whatever other hobbies they used to have in common? It is most likely far less than when they were dating. Common interests may be the reason you end up finding someone to marry, but to get to never leaving you need a lot more than exotic travel scrabble and gin rummy. There is something much more important in the marriage than common interests, and that is shared meaningful life goals and values.

Speaker 1:

We are going to go back earlier in this book to examine the example from the cooking show Chopped. There was once an episode of Chopped that was a blind date version. Instead of being an individual contest, there were four teams competing to make the best dish, each consisting of a male and a female chef. Each of these couples were meeting for the first time on the show. They would cook together to try to win the show's grand prize $10,000. It was a cute concept, but what was really amazing to me was, after the show, each couple stated they would like to continue dating privately. What are the odds of all four blind dates having a second date? It's really a miracle. If you randomly take four blind dates in the United States and ask if there would be a second date, chances are maybe one of the couples would date again. To what do I attribute the reason each pair had a second date? It's because they had a shared meaningful goal. In this scenario, theirs was just to make some dishes for the judges.

Speaker 1:

Think about how much more committed you would be in a relationship if you had more meaningful shared life goals and values than trying to win in the cooking show. What is your shared meaningful life goal? Why is having a shared meaningful life goal and value so important? Because the greatest feeling in the world is having meaning and purpose. Knowing you are needed, knowing you have a purpose in this world, will bring you meaning. Meaning and purpose permeate the lives of people who know what they want in life. Couples with meaning and purpose in life probably have a much higher chance of staying together. The only way to have a common meaningful life goal is if you have something to base your values on.

Speaker 1:

When I ask students if they believe in a creator, sometimes they will tell me no or they are not sure. But more often they tell me they do not need God in their life because they are a good person and that's enough. I then ask them what does it mean to be good? Usually, I don't get a very clear answer. I then ask them if they killed anyone today, cheated on their wives or maybe stole something. Of course, the answer is always no. If it's not, then I got a real problem. How do you then determine what is good or not? Following the laws of the Torah provides a baseline of right and wrong. Otherwise you're just following the crowd. When a Nazi woke up in the morning during the Second World War, he probably thought that rounding up and killing Jews was a good thing for the world. They just rationalized that what they were doing was correct because everyone else was doing it.

Speaker 1:

If you believe in God, that means you know you were created. If you were created, it must be for a purpose. Can you think of anything in this world that was created without a purpose? Even mosquitoes have purpose. The larvae of mosquitoes are food for fish and other wildlife, including larger larvae and other species such as dragonflies. Although most of us hate mosquitoes, and knowing biteses serve a purpose in our ecosystem, knowing you have a purpose is a very important aspect of being emotionally healthy. Even if you don't know what your purpose is, just knowing you have one is enough. That means you will be living with a sense of worth, that there is something out there waiting for you to discover.

Speaker 1:

If you don't believe in God, that means you were born as a completely random being and therefore have no purpose. You may then go through life either not knowing your purpose, not searching for a purpose, or not even caring. If you have a purpose, you will find that you will have a hard time in life. Without purpose, it is hard to have meaning. Purpose is forward-looking, while meaning is backward-looking. When you have a purpose in life it will bring you meaning. Meaning and purpose are usually not physical desires and attributes. It is something that transcends the physical world. This is why, if you decide to get married and the deciding factors were physical reasons, you will more likely count as one of the failed statistics.

Speaker 1:

It's essential that the shared meaningful life goal should not just be physical. If your shared meaningful goal is to have children, what happens when the children are all grown up to leave the house? There are so many instances of couples breaking up after 20 years of marriage. Once the children leave the house, they completely forgot the reason why they got married in the first place. They may find themselves staring at each other in the kitchen wondering who the person is that they have been living with for all these years. They may have spent all those years completely focused on their children and have not established a deeper, more meaningful goal and value with their spouse. Unfortunately, this happens far too often. So the shared meaningful life goal must be more than just having children. If your shared meaningful life goal is to enjoy your money in a big, beautiful house and take fancy vacations, you may just become another marriage statistic. You may become like many couples whose sole purpose in life is figuring out which Armani golf suit to wear before driving your Bentley to the country club to chase a little white ball into a small hole in as few shots as possible. The whole time you're wondering why you're married in the first place. Playing golf is not a purpose in life that will bring you meaning.

Speaker 1:

Recently, two of the wealthiest men in the world have been going through divorce Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates. Is it possible that wealth is more challenging to relation than poverty? Maybe poverty makes it easier to stay together because now you have a common purpose and that is just to survive and pay the bills. Once money gets in the way, you have to deal with all the problems that come with it. It may seem nice to have money, especially when you don't have it, but I know from anecdotal evidence in my social circle that money can be a detriment to a marriage if there is not a strong, shared meaningful life goal or value. Maybe this is why there are probably more diverse attorneys per capita in wealthier cities than anywhere else. It's because business is great there. True money is important and will make life easier, but it doesn't guarantee a lifelong loving relationship. So let's cross off wealth as a shared meaningful life goal for a common bond.

Speaker 1:

Another common interest couples have is working out together, such as running and playing sports. Common interest couples have is working out together, such as running and playing sports. Many couples have met at running clubs, gyms and adult softball and volleyball leagues. While exercise is an important activity that one should engage in several times a week, it should not become the ultimate focus of your life. But sometimes marathons, body sculpting and weight loss take over in a person's life to where it becomes the central focus of living. Plus, it will be harder for your body to keep up the same regimen as you age. What happens when a couple like this stops working out together? They become a divorce statistic. It does not have to be this way. Personally, I used to run with my wife when we were dating, but now we have children and many of their responsibilities. We work out when we have time to, which is rarely together. We certainly need physicality in this world.

Speaker 1:

One of the keys to a great marriage is a loving physical relationship between husband and wife. It must be, at a minimum, an integral part of the relationship. Without it, the marriage will fall apart. However, a relationship based solely on physical things, such as children, wealth and fitness, will have a hard time being successful. The kids finally leave the house. You've amassed great wealth and you are a top-rated marathon runner, or have a killer body for a 40 or 50-year-old. Now what is your marriage based on? There must be something more, inviting spirituality into your life. Your shared meaningful life goals must be based on more than physicality. Having your relationship based on spiritual influences will keep you both grounded. Without spirituality, your net worth becomes your self-worth. Spirituality transcends this world and will make your marriage impervious to outside influences, because you will be content with what you have.

Speaker 1:

We get another clue from the Torah as to why spirituality is important in a marriage. The Gematria the hidden Torah codes of Adam's name is 45. And for his wife, chava, 19. The difference between the two is 26, which is the Gematria of God's name. This hints that man is only complete when God is part of the relationship between husband and wife.

Speaker 1:

Gould defines the word spiritual as affecting the human spirit or soul, as opposed to material or physical things. For the purposes of this book, we are going to define spiritual as having two parts, the first part being the spirit, which consists of our soul and our ego. These are things that are not physical. These are the essence of who you are. You can't see them, so it makes them a little more abstract. There are lots of things we can't see that we understand and know exist. Science has been able to explain air radiation, radio waves, oort clouds and a host of other things. We know that, even if we can't see it, it can still exist.

Speaker 1:

The second part is the ritual. This is the physical part of us, which is our body. This is the part of us that we can see. The part of us that eats every day, breathes constantly and fulfills the ritual needs of our body functions on an ongoing basis. These rituals are things that we don't even think about. Hence the word spiritual is made up of spirit and ritual. The physical body and looks are the first things we see when we meet someone, so they tend to be a major part in our decision whether or not we want to continue to date them or not. Focusing too much on that is what causes us to miss out on a potential soulmate.

Speaker 1:

I was recently asked by a student to help him with a relationship of his. He had been dating a woman for three years and was not sure whether he should marry her. I asked him what the issue was. He said everything about her was wonderful, except they were on the opposite side of the political spectrum. He wrote articles for a conservative-leaning organization and she was very liberal. We discussed his values and he decided that she did not hold the same values as him. It doesn't mean she is wrong in her perspective, it just means that they are not on the same page. I told him that it was a major issue and that maybe he should break up with her. He finally did and he found someone that has the same meaningful life goals and values as him.

Speaker 1:

Understanding the body and soul With marriage in mind, understanding that your shared meaningful life goals need to be spiritual, means you view yourself as a creation from God consisting of both a body and a soul. If your soul is not being fulfilled with something meaningful or not connected to anything spiritual, you may compensate for what your soul is missing by trying to satisfy your body. Many things we do are just compensating for areas of our lives that we are lacking in. This can be done by completely focusing on your children, working out, making money, taking fancy vacations, or by acquiring material possessions such as cars, clothing, furniture and houses. Here's the key. Your body will never be satisfied. Certain houses here's the key. Your body will never be satisfied.

Speaker 1:

Our desires for the physical will never end unless we have spiritual desires that are also being fulfilled. Those spiritual desires are our connection to our source of creation. Do you remember the last time you finished a can of Pringles or a bag of Doritos? When you ate your last chip, were you satisfied? Probably not, because the craving for salty foods never goes away. Your physical self is prone to cravings and addictions that cannot be satisfied easily. We are trained from birth to always desire the better toy, the faster bike, the bigger house, the better job and the nicer car.

Speaker 1:

When your body has control over your soul, chances are that you won't be satisfied in a marriage either. Our body compels us to do what feels good. That is the natural way people behave, unless they were raised in a spiritually influenced. God sent you home, so we need to try to control our desires. If we see a piece of chocolate cake, our immediate reaction is to want to eat the cake. If the cake is really creamy and moist, we may want another piece. When do we stop eating cake? We stop only when we feel sick or better yet, when we start to take control of our body's desires. It's a necessary stop to prevent us from becoming overweight, unhealthy and a slave to our own impulses. Unless you can control your urges, you'll get upset easily and have a harder time maintaining a deep relationship. Here are three scenarios that may help you distinguish between the body and the soul, and why living with your soul in charge will help you, will help your relationships.

Speaker 1:

Scenario number one Imagine you have some friends over to watch a football game. Your best friend, joey, walks in and you tell him to go into the kitchen to get a beer. As he closes the refrigerator door, he collapses with a massive heart attack. After calling the paramedics, you try to revive him with CPR but are having no success. The emergency workers come into your house and declare him dead as they're preparing to take his body to the morgue. Your other friend, maddie, walks through the front door. You tearfully say to him Joey just died. He's no longer with us.

Speaker 1:

Maddie is in shock. He runs into the kitchen, notices Joey lying on the floor and says to you Joey's not gone. He's right here. You say back to Maddie no, he's gone. The paramedics declared him dead. They're taking him to the morgue. Maddie repeats he's not gone, he's right here. You squabble with Maddie for a few minutes, trying to convince him that Joey's gone. This scenario seems a bit ridiculous, but this is the essence of the body-soul conundrum. The question is still glaring right at you Is Joey gone or not? The question is still glaring right at you Is Joey gone or not? Joey's body is there, but his soul is gone. The essence of what makes him Joey is gone. Even though Joey, the body is still there. His body will go back to the earth and his soul will continue on. This is the classic example of the difference between a body and a soul.

Speaker 1:

Scenario number two you order a large pizza for your family with black olives and mushrooms. After you eat three slices and everyone else is finished, you notice that there's one more slice left. You are full, but your inner voice is going back and forth whether or not you should eat the fourth slice. You give in and quickly grab the slice before someone else changes their mind. After you finish, about a minute later, you feel awful. You know that you should not have eaten that last slice. Even the next day you feel miserable about it. Why do you feel so bad about eating something that you enjoyed immensely? Because you listened to your body and not your soul. Even though the pizza tasted good, your body only received pleasure for such a short time, but your soul ended up feeling the guilt for much longer.

Speaker 1:

Scenario number three you just finished a 10-mile race. When you get home, you eat three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pass out on the couch for an hour. You wake up from the soreness and pain in your back, legs and feet. Your face is completely sunburned and you find it difficult to get up off the couch. How do you feel Amazing? Why? Because you just finished a 10-mile race and even though you're in pain, it does not compare to the pleasure that you were so received from crossing the finish line. This is why runners feel exhilarated when they get that runner's high.

Speaker 1:

It is when your body and soul are at peace, working together. In scenario number one, joey was there and he wasn't there. It's the only time in your life when you can be in two places at once. It's only when you die that your soul separates from your body. In the last two scenarios, when the body is in charge, you are not happy and when your soul is in charge, even when your body is in pain, you are happy. When your soul is in charge, you will accomplish more, be more resilient and, overall, be a much more joyful person.

Speaker 1:

When we follow our souls instead of our bodies, we can transform ourselves to ignore the pettiness in life. A person who lives spiritually is generally very happy and positive about everything. They realize that whatever challenges are thrown their way are just new opportunities for growth. This is what it means to be resilient. Things that may have bothered you about your spouse will no longer be an issue. Someone who listens to their soul will be better able to handle the challenges that rise in a marriage. Everyone has some quirky character traits that may be challenging in a marriage. You just need to find a spouse that's living for meaning and purpose, who is able to focus on your positive traits and connect with you on a level that is more than just physical.

Speaker 1:

You can look at the word soul as an acronym for sharing our unlimited love. Living with the soul as your focus in a relationship will enable you to make more decisions based on love and not an ego-based desire. The relationship I have with my wife is now based on this idea of sharing our unlimited love. It is our love of the Jewish people that unites our purpose in life. It is our goal of trying to bring an awareness of God into the world that shapes our lives. It is not just the Jewish people we want to help out, but every person in the entire world. With this common mindset of sharing our love with the world, we know that God has our back and will help us with our mission. This common mindset of sharing our love with the world, we know that God has our back and will help us with our mission. This book is just one part of that mission. Learning, teaching, hosting Shabbat meals, opening our home to guests this is exactly what Abraham did to spread the word of God.

Speaker 1:

These are our common meaningful life goals and values, and this is what makes our relationship well beyond anything that I could have achieved, or, in other words, out of this world. When one is focused on their soul, they will have a better understanding of what it means to be in a relationship where you are never leaving. There is no comparison between the love I have for my wife now and the love when we got married 23 years ago. It's because we have both grown spiritually and we are less focused on acquiring things that we think will make us happy. In the end, all the cars, houses, toys and vacations are meaningless. The more possessions I have, the more I have to manage. And now, with our focus on spirituality, I can nurture our relationship with the time and space it needs to blossom. This is what it means to be with your soulmate, not just your spouse.

Speaker 1:

Our body wants to do what feels good. Our ego wants to do what looks good. Our soul wants to do what is good. This acronym stands for the test we live with every day to be our best Body, ego, soul and test. Being the best means we live with our souls in charge. Our lives are based on meaning and purpose instead of what our body wants or what our ego desires. Our family mantra that exemplifies our lives is it's your job to change the world, not let the world change you. When you can find a meaningful life, go and value. Like that, you're pretty much going to have an amazing marriage.

Speaker 1:

How to identify soul-oriented people? The following are the qualities of a soul-oriented person they focus on for ways to grow personally and spiritually. They gives of their time and money to charitable causes. Always looks for opportunities to give to others. Treats everyone with respect, including waiters or staff. Judges people favorably, knows that everything that happens to them is for the good, knows that they are not born as a random accident but were created with a purpose by a creator. Makes their marriage a priority, is happy with whatever they have, sees the bigger picture in life and does not micromanage money is not their main motivation. Doesn't keep score of who gave what to whom or who you owe me because I gave you. Doesn't have cognitive dissonance and is open to learn both sides of every issue. Doesn't worship celebrities or athletes and lives their lives through the lens of God, with every decision based on what would God do. Thanks for listening to Living in Clarity Podcast. This is Coach Ratner.