The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter #4

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Ever wondered why your partner seems distant even when you think you're listening? Tune in to uncover the secrets of genuine listening that can transform your relationships. We discuss how truly hearing your partner goes beyond mere words—it's about capturing their emotions and validating their experiences, especially in the early stages of dating. We dive into the nuanced differences in how men and women communicate, highlighting the need for men to resist the urge to "fix" and instead offer support and understanding. You'll also pick up practical techniques like repeating back what you’ve heard to ensure clarity and stepping into your partner’s shoes to build a stronger emotional foundation for a lasting marriage.

But that's not all—self-awareness is another critical piece of the puzzle. With Mike Zaney's compelling analogy of the writing on the front and back of our shirts, we explore how addressing the "back of the shirt" issues—those traits apparent to everyone but ourselves—can revolutionize your personal and professional relationships. Hear real-life stories of individuals who embraced candid feedback to unveil their blind spots, leading to significant personal growth and more fulfilling relationships. Learn the importance of honest critique and the courage to face uncomfortable truths, setting you on a path to improved self-awareness and successful partnerships. This episode is packed with insights for anyone aiming to cultivate deeper, more meaningful connections.

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This is the Living in Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner. We're continuing the reading of the audiobook of Infinite Marriage, phase 2, the research To marry a prince. You have to date some toads. This is what I consider to be the most exciting time of any relationship. You've already had your first one or two dates with someone and hopefully you have a crush on them and want to continue dating. You've gotten over the first date bias and all the initial stress is gone. It's now time to decide whether to take this relationship further. Each of the phases of love will be overlapping with each other, so you can still be infatuated or the crush, while at the same time trying to research as much as you can. It is still probably early enough in the relationship for you to not have discovered any skeletons in the closet. Don't worry, you'll find those later.

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Learning to listen the quality of any relationship is based on how well you listen to someone. What do people usually say when someone asks them if they are dating? Some people say I'm busy, but most people say I'm seeing someone, when in reality they should be saying I'm listening to someone. Once you see someone, what is there left to see? Again, another set of clothes? You already know what they look like, so there's really nothing new to see the next time you go out on a date. You can see someone once and know what they look like, but you can listen to someone forever, especially when you're having a strong emotional connection to them. Listening means you are part of a relationship. It is amazing that classes are offered everywhere on public speaking, yet I have never heard of a class on how to listen. I'm not sure any exist. Most marriage improvement books will teach you that the better you communicate, the better your marriage will be. But if you are not listening properly to your spouse, you're probably not communicating well. The best way to listen is to internalize everything someone else is saying, understanding it with the ability to give it back over again. Listening to someone is how you are able to capture someone's heart. It is just an interesting fact that the word heart has the word ear right in the middle of it. When someone listens to you with their ears, they are capturing you right in the middle of their heart. When you are listening to your date or spouse, you are making their heart the center of your universe.

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Have you ever argued with your spouse, or anyone else for that matter, and as they were speaking, you were formulating a response in your head at the exact same time. It is not possible to fully listen while formulating a response. What you were probably doing was hearing them. Hearing and listening are two different things. Hearing goes in one ear and out the other, while listening is focusing, acknowledging, processing, understanding and trying to figure out what the other person is trying to tell you. The word listen has the same letters as silent. In order for you to really listen, you can't be simultaneously giving over or thinking about your response. You need to stop what you are doing and be silent and pay attention.

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Men like to be problem solvers, which is good, but they must understand that women sometimes are not looking to have their problems solved. They are looking for someone to listen to them. This is why men must listen to their wives when they come home without interrupting. This is a good rule of thumb for any individual you are talking to, but is a must with your wife. The reason I put this idea in phase two is that it may be a good idea for men to train for this before they get married, and dating is the perfect place to start. From my perspective, it is something that will not come so easily. The more you practice it, the better you'll become. Sometimes a person needs someone to listen to them. They may be just looking for validation that their feelings are okay, are correct, and that it is okay to feel the way they do. Validation means you understand the way they feel and you accept them for that, even if your reality is different from theirs. More important than trying to fix things for someone is to just be there and listen and validate that their feelings are okay. When a woman's feelings are validated, they feel validated.

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Listening requires processing what is being said. If you are able to repeat what was said, then you have listened successfully. The best courtroom attorneys are the ones who are able to state the opposing opinion first before they state their case. This lets the judge or jury know that they understand both sides of the case. This is why, in Jewish tradition, when we choose who to follow from the two great sages, hillel or Shammai, we choose Hillel's opinion. Why? Because Hillel would always state Shammai's opinion first, and only then would he give his counter argument. It was known that Hillel understood both sides of an opinion.

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If you state your spouse's opinion first in any matter or disagreement. You will also have a better understanding of their point of view. By clarifying what they say, not just in your mind, but by saying it out loud. It will help you to make sure you understand their views. You need to put yourself in your spouse's shoes so you understand where they are coming from and why they have the opinion they do.

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There are times when your spouse or the person you are dating will not listen to you. That does not mean that they won't come to eventually listen to you. It's just that you may not be the one to communicate to them what you want them to hear. They may need to hear it from someone else. Sometimes, if they are hearing something from a friend, they will be more likely to take that advice to heart. For example, you want to try a new restaurant because you heard it was good, but your date or spouse doesn't want to go. If they hear the same positive reviews about a restaurant from a friend, they may be more likely to go. Why? Because they heard it from someone else.

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Sometimes we are too close to people for them to listen to our message. When speaking to someone close to you, quickly get to the point you are trying to convey. This is really true for anyone you are talking to. People have only so much bandwidth to listen to what you have to say, so say what you want in a concise way. Usually, when writing emails, all it takes is one sentence to communicate the message you want to convey. Communicating with your partner needs to be clear and concise.

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There are considerable differences between the way men and women connect with each other. In Gary Chapman's bestselling book the Five Love Languages, the author discusses the primary ways couples express and receive love. What one person perceives as love may be something entirely different for another. Learning your partner's and your own primary love language will help create a stronger bond in your relationship. The five love languages are 1. Words of Affection, 2. Words of Affirmation, 3. Acts of Service, 4. Receiving Gifts, 5. Quality Time and 6. Physical Touch. Words of Affirmation are so important for both spouses that we will discuss it in more depth in the fourth phase.

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A wife complains to her husband that he never tells her he loves her. He says to her remember that day I told you I loved you back on our wedding day. She responds yes. He then says if there are any changes, I'll let you know. If I had to prioritize the five love languages, I would say that quality time and physical touch are important for both spouses, but the next most important for men would be acts of service and, for women, words of affirmation. Now, of course, these are just my opinions from what I have witnessed in my life. In the end, women need to know that they are loved and cherished, whereas a man's need for this is not as strong. On the other hand, men need to know that they are respected. This will be discussed more in Phase 4.

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Women prefer to connect through verbal communication and sharing emotions, while men don't need to express themselves nearly as much. Two men can go out to a professional hockey game, sit together for hours, run to each other a few times and have a great night. They don't feel the need to converse. This would rarely happen with women. This is why women tend to talk on the phone for a very long time, while men say what they need to say, then hang up. Whenever I get home from my work, my wife needs to talk to me about her day, while I just need to grab a drink and relax. I have very little interest in talking, but I will sit and listen to her anyway, because I know it will make her happy. This is how she connects to me, and understanding the emotional needs of the opposite gender is how you make great relationships.

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Generally, when dating, men should step back and let the woman guide the conversation. If a man talks too much, it can come across as either arrogant or insecure, but if the man allows the woman to dominate the conversation, he can come across as a great listener and she will most likely enjoy their time together. There are exceptions, though, such as when a man is dating a quiet woman. In that case, it can be very helpful if the man is a good conversationalist. However, this is the exception and not the rule.

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Here are five tips for helping your spouse or anyone, listen to you. If you want other people to listen to you, they have to know that you listen to them. No one will listen to you if you are a hypocrite. Your words must be backed up by action. Your words should be sincere and lovingly, come from your heart, without rebuke. Words that come from the heart enter the heart. No one cares how much you know unless they know how much you care. You must say things for their benefit, not yours. You lose all credibility if they know you are only saying something to get something for yourself. Timing is everything. Not everything needs to be said immediately. Wait for the opportune time. Knowing that your partner always listens to you and understands what you are saying is a powerful tool for creating a powerful relationship. Listening properly is a big step to help you decide.

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If you want to get to the next phase with the person you are dating. Read the back of your shirt. You must be aware that, as you are in the research phase of a relationship, the person you are dating is also in the same phase. You must be able to honestly look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you have flaws that they see. You may even have some issues that you are not aware about. The Talmud says if one person calls you a donkey, don't believe him. If a second person calls you a donkey, don't believe him. If a third person calls you a donkey, buy a saddle. Knowing what thoughts you have is called self-awareness.

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Mike Zaney, ceo of Predictive Index, highlights a great way to think about self-awareness In his recent book, the Science of Dream Teams. Zaney shares the analogy of having different writing on the back and front of your shirt, a concept he first learned from a partner at Bain Company, one of the big three consulting companies headquartered in Boston. Using his ideas for talent evaluation can also be a great tool for dating and evaluating a potential spouse. As the analogy goes, the front of your shirt displays all the amazing things you've been told in your life and career. These things are easy for both you and others to see.

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However, we all have writing on the back of our shirts as well. These are the things that everyone else can see but may be unknown to us. If we want to become more self-aware, we need the people around us to call out what is on the back of our shirts. Here are some examples of things people may not be aware of. They let their ego run their life. They are a poor listener. They do not have a good awareness of the needs of others. They talk too much about themselves. They are not aware of unusual habits, tics or idiosyncrasies. They have a short attention span. They invade one's other personal space when speaking to them, they are a poor dresser or they have poor hygiene or eating habits. These are just a few of the back of the shirt issues that people can be unaware of.

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People who truly want to improve their chances of an amazing relationship, are willing to withstand the discomfort of candid feedback. They realize that they have blind spots, that they need improving, and are usually willing to take feedback to heart to improve. If you don't take to heart what's on the back of your shirt, you may repeat the same mistakes over and over and not even realize there was a problem. Here are two ways to learn what you can improve upon Seek out feedback and critique. Don't surround yourself solely with people who tell you what you want to hear. Seek out people willing to tell you what you need to hear, people who will call out what's on the back of your shirt.

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It is always nice to have people who are your yes men. These are usually your friends, who are always on your side and will give you positive feedback about all your decisions in life. You don't want yes men helping you make decisions. You need people who tell you the truth about any bias involved. I went through this problem when I was trying to improve my writing for my books. Almost everyone who reads one told me how they liked them, even though their views were appreciated. Those were all biased opinions, unless my writing was extremely poor, which is probably not, since you're still reading this far. They would probably like my books because they like me. I want to know everything I can do to improve upon all the mistakes I don't know about. I want someone to tell me what is on the back of my shirt.

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Don't respond to try to defend yourself. The next time someone gives you honest feedback, don't defend yourself, even if it is uncomfortable for you. Instead, just listen and thank them in the moment before taking time to contemplate. Even if you don't agree with what they say, you have been given the gift of actually knowing how they feel. If you respond negatively or defensively, it will be the last time you get the honest feedback. No one will tell you again what's on the back of your shirt directly, but they may talk about it when you are not around. Our first reaction to getting negative feedback is generally to give an excuse or rationalization for why their viewpoint is wrong. Your opinion may later change when you've had time to contemplate what they've said. You may then even agree with their critique.

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I have met people who are having a hard time finding someone to date. I try to be truthful in letting them know why I think they are failing. Many have taken it personally and believed I was wrong about what I thought I was reading the back of their shirt. The ones that were willing to listen to me ended up getting married and having fantastic relationships. In fact, I received a phone call on someone's wedding night thanking me for helping them improve themselves so they could open up their heart to allow someone else in.

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Remember that becoming more self-aware is not supposed to be comfortable, however. What is much more uncomfortable is being the only person in the room unaware of the reality. That is clear to everyone standing behind you. If the average Fortune 500 company spends between $100 and $150 million a month in consulting services, it must mean that getting advice from an outside source adds to the bottom line of their business. There are similar consultants in the relationship business. They are called marriage counselors. Unfortunately, you only see one when your relationship is starting to fall apart. In reality, people should be seeing consultants before they go into the dating world. A good consultant would tell you what you need to do to increase your chances of finding someone and having a lifelong passionate relationship. Since that is really done, this book will hopefully fulfill the role of a dating coach.

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I was coaching a man in his late 40s recently and he complained that he had a problem getting second dates. He seemed smart, engaging and nice looking and by the second meeting I was pretty sure I'd figured out what the issue was. This man was constantly looking up when he was speaking. It was kind of like how sometimes people will be trying to think of something and they look up for a second or two like they're looking in their brains, and they look back at you and they retrieve their thoughts as if they were trying to look into their brain. For the answer. He didn't look up occasionally. He looked up constantly.

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When I first met him, I thought to myself that maybe I was judging him unfairly. The second time I met him, I thought to myself that maybe I was judging him unfairly. The second time I met him, I asked him if he was aware that he was constantly looking up during conversations. He said he knew about it but didn't think it was any big deal. What? Not a big deal? I said to him imagine you're on a date and a woman sees you looking away. How do you think she feels? Do you think she is connecting with you emotionally? She probably thinks you're somewhat strange and maybe even eccentric. I told him to try to correct this issue before he continues to date. I believe this was the first time he realized that this issue was keeping him from getting a second date.

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No one had ever read the back of his shirt to him. Think about how many people you know that have been dating for years have never been able to find a long-term relationship. How do you think you would feel with someone telling you everything that is wrong with you? Would you really listen to them and try to improve yourself, or would you ignore their advice? If you are older and have had few to no relationships, it is possible no one has read you the back of your shirt. If you want to get anywhere close to never leaving, find someone who is honest enough to read you the back of your shirt and be open and be willing to listen to them. This is the Livian Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner.