The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter #3

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Ever wondered how many chances you should give a potential partner before deciding if they're "the one?" In our latest episode of the Living in Clarity podcast, Coach Ratner promises to transform your dating life with his intriguing Three Date Rule. Drawing from Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink," we explore how initial impressions can be misleading and why giving someone more than one chance can be crucial. We'll share personal stories and insights into how both men and women perceive each other, highlighting the deeper connections that often form over time. Learn how to move past those first-date jitters and superficial judgments to discover someone who might just be perfect for you.

Looking for meaningful connections rather than ticking boxes on a checklist? Coach Ratner dives into the common pitfalls many face in their search for a life partner, emphasizing the importance of broadening your dating pool. With analogies and anecdotes, he illustrates how rigid criteria can limit your chances of finding a compatible match. You'll hear stories of individuals who have missed out on great opportunities due to unrealistic expectations, and learn why focusing on shared values and kindness is essential. Tune in for practical advice and heartfelt insights that will encourage you to embrace imperfections and expand your perspective in the quest for love.

Speaker 1:

This is the Living in Clarity podcast. This is Coach Ratner. We are going to continue the audiobook of Infinite Marriage the Three Date Rule. The Three Date Rule means that you should date someone at least three times unless there are obvious signs that they are one and done, such as the following they live in a treehouse. They talk incessantly about their mother, they laugh like a hyena. Okay, maybe those aren't all the reasons you should not date someone again, but it's a good start.

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Why the three-date rule? Dating can be uncomfortable and it's really difficult to get to know someone on the first date. So if there are going to be no glaring red flags, you should make every attempt to go out with them again. Why three dates? It's just a reasonable amount for you to get past the nervousness and for you to know someone much better than one date. Knowing that you will give a potential partner at least three chances will take the pressure off your first date.

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Plus, there's a concept called first date bias. This states that the better looking they are, the higher the probability of a second date. This is especially true in the non-religious dating scene. For you to get to the phase of never leaving, you need to get rid of this bias. This is an issue for more men than women.

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Men and women see each other slightly differently. Men generally view women from the outside in and women view men from the inside out. A woman wants a nice looking man, but she will generally not date a guy if he is not intelligent or does not have good character traits, no matter how good he looks. A guy will also want to date a nice looking woman, but if she is lacking intelligence, a man will still continue to date her for her looks. A woman may be at a party and notice a really handsome man, really well built. Her friend says she knows him and asks if you want to meet him. You emphatically say yes, you are introduced to him and you immediately notice that his looks and muscles may be compensating for his lack of intelligence. Chances are you're not going to go out with him.

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As a guy, I would usually take a woman to a restaurant, which is a little different to what is commonly done in the religious world, where couples meet in public places. I can tell you as a man, some of us are scared out of our mind when we are dating. I can't speak for women, but I have been told that some of them feel the same way. It can be one of the most fearful times of our life, Even worse than going to the dentist. Why? Because some men are scared of women, especially attractive ones.

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When I was dating, I was so nervous that it affected what I would order at a restaurant. Spilling food on myself was always a possibility. Forget about pasta. Invariably the sauce would end up on my shirt. I would always play it as safe as possible and only order a salad with plain lettuce, no dressing. That's because carrots can give you gas, avocado may smear all over your sleeve and the tomatoes will get stuck in your teeth.

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So if this is the way I act on my first date, doesn't it seem obvious that you really won't get to know me on one date? You might not immediately fall in love on the first date, but you're influenced by the other person's appearance, whether you realize it or not, because of our natural bias toward appearance. The more physically attracted we are on the date, the more likely that we will make a decision to pursue the relationship. Since it's difficult to connect emotionally on a first date, we rely on what we see. In order to connect with someone emotionally and intellectually, you should meet someone at least three times so you have a chance to get to know them.

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Science has proven that we are biased by what we see. Malcolm Glowell mentions his best-selling book, blink, that before the 1980s, when orchestras auditioned new potential musicians to play in their symphony, they ended up hiring mostly men. Therefore, it became a known fact that men were better musicians than women. After all, people presumed that the experts who hired musicians knew what they were doing. Then, to compensate for any biases, in the 1980s, screens were put up during auditions so that the experts doing the hiring were not able to see the musicians. They were just able to hear them play their music. Suddenly, more women began to get higher than men. This proved that decision makers were influenced by what they saw and were biased by gender. This is true with dating as well.

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We often make decisions about whom to date or how to date when based on appearance alone, because that's all we can see at first glance. Actually, if we really wanted to have a best chance for marrying the right person, we would meet someone for the first time behind the screen. This would take all the biases out of our decision. Imagine if you had a first date behind the screen and you spent an evening together without actually seeing them, they would know if you had an emotional or an intellectual connection without the bias of physicality. This concept actually became a TV show in England called Blind Date.

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You may have been to a friend's wedding where you meet their new spouse for the first time. You may have to do a double take because you think that their future spouse looks like Freddy Krueger or Miss Piggy. You're thinking to yourself that they could have married someone a lot better looking than that. How is it possible that my friend, who is a decent looking guy or girl, is going to marry this person? It's because you don't know them like your friend does. The better the emotional and intellectual connection you have with someone, the better looking they are to you. This is another reason why it's important to stick to the three date rule, so you don't miss out on an amazing person. As long as you like someone, the better you know them, the better looking they get. The opposite is also true the more you know someone you don't like, the uglier they get. For every good, gorgeous girl or handsome guy walking down the street, there's probably someone who is sick of them. Looks only go so far. So if you are on a first date and you think their looks may be marginal, allow yourself more time to get to know them and maybe they will become the most gorgeous person in the world for you. It is really amazing what a bubbly personality can do to someone's looks. You could be missing out on the most amazing person because of your first date bias. Following the three-date rule will help you get over the first date bias. Unless they laugh like a hyena.

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Beware of the new face factor. This is a concept I learned when I was single that can cause many people to make poor decisions when looking to find someone to date. When I used to go out with my friends to a restaurant or bar, there would sometimes be a large table of single women. If you are single, it is hard not to notice a large group of women sitting together. This initial feeling you get when you see this is a concept that I call the new face factor. The new face factor can lead someone to date someone they might not have even considered in a normal setting. Why is this an issue? Because you are initially thinking to yourself that you have never seen so many girls at once that you would like to go out with. The reality is just a bunch of women dressed to the nines. It is really a sensory overload with the gaggles of hair all puffed up, enough jewelry to fill a Tiffany showroom and perfume so strong that Pepe Le Pew would run away. Although they all may be cute in some sort of way, each person sitting at that table has some flaws, and not just physical ones.

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When there is a large group sitting together, it is too hard to assess every person, especially what their personality is like. After all, because they seem like they are all having fun. Their first impression may be misleading. Your thoughts are that every girl at the table would be fun to go out with and is beautiful. Your perception at this very moment is warped, and if one of them came to you and started talking to you, you would be very excited. It is similar to the excitement that a child feels when walking to a toy store. It is only when you are able to get to know every person individually that you can make a proper determination about them.

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But the amazing thing is that this is the one you may end up dating, or even marrying Could be the one you don't even notice. It's because, being in the middle of the group, there are too many distractions around you for to notice her. The new face factor is another reason why you need three dates, so her face won't be that new and you will be able to see past it. When we are dating, sometimes we are blinded by many things and those blinders keep us from seeing the real person underneath. The more desperate you are to get married, the more you will overlook the flaws. Sometimes we may be attracted to the person who is the best dressed, most gregarious or the flashiest. This can be a huge mistake. Be careful not to let the new face factor be the reason why you continue to date someone, even after determining that they have qualities you really don't like.

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The best way to date someone is with a clean slate and without preconceived notions. When you go on a date without prior knowledge of anything about them, you are setting yourself to judge the person with any bias. How do you think your date will go if you know they come from a very wealthy family? You're more likely to make sure there's a second date. Or what if you're found out from other sources that the person is a sweetheart? You're more likely to have a great date. Now, if your source of information is someone extremely trustworthy, then you can give their opinion more weight in your decision making. What if you hear that your date has a problem with commitment? Is it possible that this person has not found anyone yet to commit to and the right person for them may be you? You should look at everyone with a clean slate.

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Have you ever read a book and then later want to see the movie? From my experience and from what I have heard, the movie is never as good as the book. Why is this? Because it's never as good when you know the ending. The same case can be made when you've read the review of the movie. One time I was flying on an airplane and I decided to watch a movie on the plane called Swept Away, starring Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie. I had never heard of it before and thoroughly enjoyed it. It certainly was not a brilliant movie, but it was still fun to watch. Only later did I find out it was voted the worst movie of the year and was considered a blotch on Madonna's career. It grossed only $1 million at the box office Worldwide. Goober sells more candy in the theaters than that. If I had read the reviews before watching the movie. I probably would not have even watched it.

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Not having any preconceived notions is the best way to go into any situation. This is why you should date someone thinking they are a clean slate. Imagine your date as an empty whiteboard with nothing on it. Evaluating the potential of your date can be more important than how they are at the moment. Remember that geeky guy in high school that no one dated. Now he's a hot guy who's super kind and owns a Fortune 500 software company. You probably didn't see that one coming when you knew him.

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One last idea I want to share with you is about your face. Your face is a new face to anyone you meet for the first time. How you present yourself, how you present your face, determines a lot about how others look at you. How many times do you see your face every day? Whatever your answer is, it's not nearly as much as everyone else sees it. Your facial expressions are a reflection of who you are. If everyone else sees your face much more than you do, that means that you better make sure that it looks happy. Have you seen the picture of someone with a pouty face versus the picture of them with a smile. It makes a huge difference in their appearance. Not only is a new face factor something to consider for someone else, but you need to consider that your face is also being scrutinized as a new face factor. How you look is how people perceive you. So put a smile on that face. Merit your beshert.

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People who are dating will say they're looking for the right person. They're looking for someone who fits in with their lifestyle, personality and their religious observance. This is probably putting up a barrier and may reduce your chances of finding a spouse. God does not give you what you want. He gives to you what you need. Realizing this, how do you now increase your chances of finding that perfect fit? You need to make your vessel larger while having more clarity on who would be good for you. You need to allow yourself a larger variety of lifestyles and personalities to fit what you consider your type. This is especially true if you have been dating for many years and have had no success. Imagine a one year old playing with one of those shape sorters the ones with different sized pegs that only fit openings that are the same size. The child spends time trying to put the proper sized peg into the proper sized hole. Sometimes the child will get frustrated and take off the lid of the bucket and just start throwing the pegs right in. This is the same analogy as someone who is in the dating world. Trying to find that one person that can fit your size can be daunting. You may need to take off the barriers that are keeping you from meeting the right person and start dating those who you may have never considered before.

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I'm going to go off the book for a second, because after I wrote this book, I came with a concept called you don't know your type until you meet your type Again. You don't know your type Until you Meet your Type Again. You Don't Know your Type Until you Meet your Type. Continuing.

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I have met many men in their 40s and 50s who are not married. Some of them have done well financially and are pretty normal guys that for some reason, have not been able to get married. I always ask them if they would like to be married and invariably they all say yes. Here is where the problem lies. One issue is they are not being honest with themselves. They may say they want to get married because they feel like they would be looked on as a weirdo or selfish. If they didn't, I've reasoned to guess that they may have had a hard time allowing themselves to love or be loved. Another issue is when they give me a list of requirements that a woman has to have for them to want to marry them. Dark skin, skinny, between 5'4 and 5'6, a great cook, wealthy and funny. Do you think this person is ever going to get married? I would highly doubt it. They are putting up barriers to allow someone else to enter into their life. As we will learn in Phase 2, the next podcast, although you must be attracted to your future spouse, that physicality will eventually become secondary and you must start sharing more meaningful life goals and values that you will bind the two of you together.

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There was a 29-year-old religious guy who came to my house recently. He was having a problem finding a spouse. He was good-looking, funny and wicked smart. At first I could not understand why he was having a hard time. I mentioned a few women that I know around 25 or 26 years old, who are really great. This is what really killed me. He said to me that he only dates girls 22 or 23 years old. What Are you kidding me? I asked him why he won't date women older than that. He said he is not attracted to them. At this point I could have screamed, reeked over the table and smacked him. Does that mean that if you marry a 22-year-old woman in four years, you won't find her attractive? I'm not sure what to call that issue, but for now, this man has put up a wall between himself and finding a spouse. I wanted to tell him that God will not give him what he wants, but will give him what he needs.

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When you are the type of person who is not willing to open up their potential pool of dates, you are severely limiting your chance of marriage. You need to allow more opportunities for different sizes and shapes of pegs to fit your type. You also have to get more realistic about who would be good for you. For you, you have to merit your besher. This is what the worksheet in this book is going to help you with, on page 48. You need to get rid of the image you have in your head of what your spouse will look like or do for a living. This also means not being so picky about other people's flaws and knowing that you are not perfect either. You have to remember that everyone has flaws, even if you think you found the perfect person, it does not mean they are perfect. It means they are perfect for you. Just do not go into a relationship thinking that you will change someone. This is a huge mistake that many people will make. You hope they can change, but most likely you will need to accept them for who they are. All you can change is your reaction to whatever that is bothering you. The Torah teaches us that it is important to know which qualities will be good for you when you start the dating process.

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When Avraham Avinu sent Eliezer to find a wife for Yitzhak, eliezer prayed to find a woman who would fit the characteristic that would be best suited for Yitzhak. He prayed that he would find a woman who would offer him water and, additionally, offer his camels water. He was asking to find someone who would be aware of someone's needs without being told. Then he wanted to find someone who would act on the awareness with kindness. This is exactly what happened and this is why the marriage of Yitzhak and Rivka is revered. It was as if Eliezer had filled out a dating worksheet. Eliezer knew with clarity which character trait would be wanted to ensure the future of the Jewish people. Kindness should be a trait that is on everyone's top ten list.

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The Torah then tells us that Yitzhak married Rivka. Only then does it say that he loved her. This seems unusual, since you would think that Yitzhak would first love Rivka and then he would marry her. This is teaching us an important lesson that as long as you find someone that has many of the qualities and attributes that you need, you can marry them and then fall in love with them. The requirement of love is not necessary, especially if you have only dated someone for a short time. The love will come later on, as you get to know them and give to them the concept of finding the proper character traits that are good for you will work for anyone of any religious background.

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I meet many students through teaching and hosting Shabbat meals. Many of them mention to me they would like to find a spouse. I then ask them what kind of person they are looking for, since most of them have not filled out this worksheet. They list the typical characteristics and qualities that everyone wants Cute, smart, kind, nice build. Who doesn't want all that? All you have to do is refer to the poor marriage statistics and you'll figure out that there must be more to meeting your soulmate. This is the goal of the worksheet To help you to really discover the spouse that will be good for you. The worksheet to discover your soulmate. Gain real clarity on who will make you a great spouse. Grab a paper and pen Don't do this if you're driving and spend just 30 minutes creating a personalized worksheet. Fyi, this is also on my website, coachradnercom. You can download it for free PDF.

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You will discover many new characteristics to look for in a spouse that you may not have considered before. This is how you will merit your best share. It. A. If you could live with any animal in the world, what would it be? B List up the three positive qualities of your animal. C Think of a positive role model in your life and list the qualities that you admire. This can be a grandparent, friend, teacher or even someone you follow in the media. D Think about the three happily married couples that you cherish and list everything that you admire about their marriages. E List at least three or more of your challenging qualities and. F. Brainstorm and list for yourself three or more qualities that you are looking for in a spouse. Now you will make a new master list to help you reprioritize who will make a good spouse for you. You're going to copy B, c, d and F and from list E we talked about three or more of your challenging qualities List qualities, which will talked about three more of your challenging qualities. List qualities which will help you to balance out your challenging qualities and add to the list. And number six this is the most important part Prioritize your list from one to 10.

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If you are dating someone and are unsure about if you want to marry them, go through this list. If they have seven out of 10, including the first three, you should consider marrying them. They will probably make a great spouse for you. If they only have a few of your top 10, you should not marry them and you should move on from this relationship. My guess is that you now have some new qualities that you originally did not look for when you started dating. You've just clarified your dating pool and increased the likelihood of finding a spouse that will get you to the ultimate phase of never leaving. We will now move on to the research phase, where we will learn some tools that will help us decide whether we should marry someone or not. In the end, you can choose to be happily married to a flawed individual, or unhappily married to a flawed individual, but either way, as humans they will all have flaws. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Living in Clarity podcast.