The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter #2

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

Share episode

Let me know your thoughts about the podcast. Thank you for listening!

Ever wondered why some relationships fizzle out while others stand the test of time? This episode of the Living in Clarity podcast promises to unravel the secrets to dating with intention and clarity. We share the lighthearted yet profound story of a 90-year-old woman whose varied marital history teaches us the dangers of dating for the wrong reasons, like mere physical attraction or fleeting infatuation. We emphasize the importance of making intellectual, rather than purely emotional, decisions and offer practical strategies for evaluating potential partners, from involving family to seeking advice from a trusted dating coach. By focusing on emotional connections and honest feedback, you can steer clear of aimless relationships and make choices that lead to lasting love.

We also dive into the fascinating world of perceived value and how it influences both marketing and personal relationships. Through the intriguing story of Sidney Frank and his creation of Grey Goose vodka, we explore how pricing and exclusivity can shape perceptions of quality. This concept isn't just for products; it applies to personal branding in dating too. By valuing yourself highly and maintaining a sense of mystery, you'll attract the attention and respect you deserve. Just as luxury brands command high value, so can you in your relationships. Tune in to discover how to find a partner who truly appreciates you for who you are, much like the most sought-after and exclusive brands.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Living in Clarity podcast. This is Coach Ratner. We are continuing the reading of our book Infinite Marriage Clarify why you are dating. A woman from a small town was getting married at the age of 90. A reporter from the local newspaper came out to her house to report on the story. He asked her about her future husband and she said that he was the local funeral director. Then she mentioned that she was the local funeral director. Then she mentioned that she was married three previous times. She told the reporter that in her 20s she married a Wall Street investment banker, in her 30s she married a Broadway show producer and in her 70s she married a priest. And now, at the age of 90 years old, she was marrying a funeral director. The reporter inquired as to why she had married a wide variety of men with distinctly unique professions. The reporter inquired as to why she had married a wide variety of men with distinctly unique professions. The woman said I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.

Speaker 1:

Let's get crystal clear you want to find someone to fall in love and stay in love with forever. Since dating is part of the process, you need to clarify why you are dating. You need to honestly ask yourself what your purpose is. Are you just looking for physical pleasure, like so many people in the secular world? If so, then dating will be really easy for you, because the only requirement you will need for your date is that they provide you with the pleasure that you are looking for. Be aware this can be dangerous. A person may enter into a physical relationship just for fun, but it can easily turn serious. Then you may have a hard time differentiating between infatuation and love and it may become difficult to make a logical decision about the relationship. This doesn't mean you can't end up with a fantastic relationship from casual dating. It is just that the odds are way out of your favor for getting to the point of never leaving. The most important decisions in life, such as whom to marry, need to be made with some emotion, but mainly with intellectual clarity. Physical intimacy dulls your intellectual intelligence and spikes your emotions, which increases the chance of making a decision that you may regret. This is why physical intimacy, or even touching each other, is avoided before marriage and observant Jewish communities.

Speaker 1:

If you are dating for the purpose of getting married, you are pretty certain of what you are looking for. Ask yourself is your date, marriage, material or not? Dating becomes serious when you're dating with marriage in mind. As long as you are firm in your beliefs and needs, if you reach the stage where you're dating for the purpose of marriage, then you should have a pretty solid conviction of what you want and why. Unfortunately, people who don't have clear ideas of what they want out of dating tend to compromise on their choices and beliefs.

Speaker 1:

I have known many couples in the non-religious world who have dated for years and years without being willing to take the step to commit to marriage. Why should someone date for a long time without making a lifelong commitment? Wouldn't dating for more than a few months be enough time to see if you're compatible for marriage? What are people waiting for? Why do people hang on to a relationship indefinitely? It's likely because they are dating for physicality or, more than likely, they are not clear about why they are dating. In cases like these, people just keep dating because it's easy and comfortable. This is not a good recipe for a long-term marriage, although not practical. The optimal way to date someone or to disqualify someone would be to interview them behind a curtain. This way, you would remove the physical component and base your decision solely on whether or not you have an emotional connection.

Speaker 1:

In some families, a potential date of one of their children is vetted in advance by their parents parents Before their child even meets the date. The parents have already researched the date's family and checked to see if both individuals had the same outlook on life, the same religious standards and if they would be compatible on many different levels. The parents call references, and even their rabbis. Only once both sets of parents have approved do young men and women go out on a. This is the biggest decision that person makes in their life. How you choose is the difference between never leaving and just being another failed marriage statistic.

Speaker 1:

Another way to check out if your date is a good fit is to consult a dating coach or someone that you know who could play this role for you. This person will guide you to see the merits and possible pitfalls in a potential relationship. It is preferable for this coach to have insight and know you very well. Most importantly, the dating coach must be willing to tell you the truth, not just what you want to hear. You don't need someone to be your yes person. This is usually left to your best friend. You need someone who's willing to tell you the truth, even though it may be very difficult to hear. This coach may be a co-worker, a relative or your matchmaker. It may even be one of your parents, if you have a great relationship with them and trust their opinion. This probably happens infrequently in the secular world, but if you think about it, who knows you better than your parents? But the best thing a coach can do is to keep you from making a huge mistake and marrying someone who is not good for you.

Speaker 1:

You may have already fallen in love with someone who is not right for you. Therefore, not only must you trust a dating coach's opinion, but you must also be willing to listen to them, because we can be easily blinded by our emotions. Your entrusted coach is not emotionally invested in the relationship, so they will only have your best interests in mind. There is a saying that love is blind. Love is not blind, and infatuation will make you blind. If a person is infatuated, they do not see any flaws in the person they are dating, and that can be avoided with guidance from a white person or your dating coach. It's kind of like when you renovate the kitchen in your house. You ask your friend what do you think of my new kitchen? Are you really asking for their opinion? No, you're looking for validation that what you did was nice. You want them to say I love it. If you really wanted their opinion, you would have asked them before the renovation. When you ask for someone's opinion on the person you're dating, don't look for validation. Seek the truth.

Speaker 1:

If you have become infatuated with someone, even though it is not real love, it can be difficult to end the relationship. This is especially true for people who do not like to be alone. It can be hard to end those kinds of relationships because of a fear that you will not have anyone else to spend time with. I have seen cases where someone will find another person to date while they are in their current relationship. Only then will they end their current relationship so they can jump ship right into a new one. You can certainly date this way, but getting to never leaving requires a more concerted effort. If you begin the dating process having clarity on what your purpose for dating is, you will less likely be caught in a relationship that, deep down, you don't really want to be in. Be honest with yourself and don't let your social circle influence your decision making. Your social circle won't be living with you the rest of your life and raising children with you. If you really want to get married, be clear about it and tell yourself that you will not date someone else unless you feel that the person you are dating has the potential for marriage.

Speaker 1:

To catch the right fish, you need the right bait. I used to lift a lot of weights in my 20s and certainly did a good job of making other people know about it, so when I went out for friends for the evening, I would make sure to wear clothes that would accentuate my large biceps and triceps Tight black t-shirts and jeans. It was certainly great for my ego that I was able to attract women, but did I have the right bait? Was I attracting the right woman? Were my dates attracted to me because of my intellect or because of my big muscles? This is the question you need to ask yourself when you're going on a date or attending a singles event. Think about the following scenario A young woman is getting ready for an interview at her major investment banking firm.

Speaker 1:

She invites her best friend over to help her pick out an outfit. Her friend suggests that she should wear their favorite immodest dress. The young woman vehemently says to her that she prefers to be hired for her talents and credentials, not her body. Her friend then asks her why she wears that same outfit when she goes to clubs and bars to try to meet men. What this story is conveying is that the way you dress determines who you will attract. She wants to be taken seriously when getting a job, and often the job is short-lived. But when going out to try to meet a man that you hope to lead that leads to a lifelong commitment it's okay not to be taken seriously. What kind of bait is she putting out to a fish in the waters of the dating arena? If you show off certain body parts, you will attract people who happen to like those body parts. If you have great muscles and you show them off, the people who will most likely be attracted to you will be the people who like those body parts. Therefore, the people attracted to those body parts will be in your circle of influence, asking you out more often than not.

Speaker 1:

Ask yourself if you want a relationship based on your body or your soul. Which relationship? Back to my weightlifting. Not only did I not meet the love of my life, but I was stuck in this constant loop of meeting people who didn't connect to me on an emotional or intellectual level. I did not have the right bait on my fishing line. I certainly was able to catch fish, but unfortunately they were not the kind of fish I was looking for. I was catching gefilte fish when I really wanted the freshest seared salmon on a bed of lettuce wanted the freshest seared salmon on a bed of lettuce. I certainly didn't want someone to attract me from my muscles. It was only when I matured that I realized that if I wanted to marry the right person, I needed to focus less on my body and more on my soul. If you have a great body and you make sure everyone knows it, you may increase your chance of getting married. But will this relationship be with the love of your life? A marriage based on attraction to another's body is more likely to end up in a divorce statistic. What bait do you need to use to attract someone to the real you?

Speaker 1:

If you want your true personality to shine and have the best chance of an awesome relationship, you need to downplay your appearance by dressing modestly. This means that you dress in a way that doesn't call unnecessary attention to your body parts. It allows the other parts of you to shine. It doesn't allow the physical part of you to overshadow the part of you that is the most important your true self. You can be attractive without being attracting when you dress modestly. Your intellectual and emotional self will be the focus, not your body. It doesn't mean you don't have to dress in an armored suit or a Muslim hijab. It just means that you have saved your physical body for that special person. This will put you in a better position of getting to the point of never leaving.

Speaker 1:

Perception is everything. You are the gray goose. We can learn a lot about perception from Sidney Frank, a successful businessman who became one of the elites in the wine and spirit business. His original success came from a liquor called Jägermeister. It was very popular on college campuses and famous for its black licorice taste, or at least that's what I was told. In 1977, he produced a vodka called Grey Goose to compete with the other super premium liquors. To appear exclusive, it was made in France. Marketing experts determined that you can charge more money for French products, but that doesn't seem to work for French cars or French fries. He advertised Grey Goose as the best tasting vodka in the world and priced his bottles at the same price as the other top brand, absolute Vodka.

Speaker 1:

But Frank wasn't satisfied with the sales of his new liquor. Interestingly, according to the American Food and Drug Administration, vodka is a grain-neutral spirit. Although many may disagree with the statement, it's probably because they don't want to admit they've been duped their entire life. It's impossible to tell a difference between any brand of non-flavored vodka if it had been filtered more than three times. This is even more so when it's in a Cosmopolitan or any other mixed drink. This means that there was only one way someone could differentiate from what they thought was the quality of vodka, and that was by price. Sidney Frank pulled out a strategy that lives in the Marketing Hall of Fame he doubled the price of his vodka. Grey Goose was now the most expensive vodka on the market, eclipsing Absolute by a wide margin. His theory was based that consumers just assumed that the higher-priced vodka was better. His marketing strategy worked and his brand became so popular that Sidney Frank sold Grey Goose to Bacardi in 2004 for $2.3 billion. In the end, there was only one thing that actually distinguished one brand from the other, and that was perception.

Speaker 1:

People value something based on two criteria how much it costs and how accessible it is. If it's priced cheap, it is perceived as having less value. On the other hand, if it is expensive, it is generally considered to be a better product. This is why companies pay enormous sums to market and advertise their product to create perceived value In the fashion world. Is a purse really worth thousands of dollars to tens of thousands of dollars? Fashion designers have just persuaded consumers to believe that they will feel better about themselves if they carry around a Louis Vuitton, zendi or Lama March purse. That is just a short-term placebo for low self-esteem. If buying a Chanel purse would cure depression, psychologists would be out of business. If something is hard to get or more exclusive, then the perception is that the more valuable People will wait a long time to get something they perceive as exclusive. When something is inaccessible, it becomes more desirable.

Speaker 1:

There's a famous line in dating people want what they can't have. There is some truth to this. For example, when the musical Hamilton first came out, tickets were snatched up very quickly. At one time it was the most expensive show on Broadway, most popular show on Broadway. It was certainly a very good musical, but the wait for tickets was not rational. Every show was sold out for six months to a year in advance and tickets were well over $1,000 each, which was well over the original cost. It's just like when there's a new toy in the market and then suddenly everyone has to have it. The excitement feeds on itself and more and more people want it. People even camp outside Walmart all night in order to be the first to purchase that toy. If people knew that a Walmart store was getting in a shipment of tens of thousands of that toy, you may not even bother to buy it. At a minimum, you certainly would not camp out all night. The same is true regarding the musical Hamilton. If suddenly tens of thousands of tickets became available, the desirability would fade. It is only the lack of availability that makes it more desirable.

Speaker 1:

When you are dating, you are also marketing yourself. Why would you want to cheapen your brand? People perceive that something is worth less if it is priced cheaper or if it is easily available. Do you want people to value who you are as a human being and look at you as something immensely valuable and rare? Dress like a prince or princess and you will be treated like one If you make parts of you easily available for everyone to see. You will be valued, just like Smirnoff Vodka or Manischewitz wine. They may think of you as a human doing instead of a human being, and they perceive you as the one they can do things with. If that is your purpose for dating, you were probably not reading this book. Parts of yourself should really be saved for that special person. Don't make them available for everyone to see. The more accessible you make yourself physically, the more you will be wanted for your physical reasons and not for who you really are, which is your mind and your soul. Or, to say it somewhat bluntly, why would someone need to make a commitment to buy the merchandise if they can get it for free?

Speaker 1:

This book is not about finding someone to date. There are plenty of books about that subject. This book is about finding someone who can be your passionate soulmate for the rest of your life, someone who is never leaving. We discussed earlier the need to clarify why you're dating. If you're not dating with marriage in mind, you probably did not buy a book called Infinite Marriage.

Speaker 1:

But if you are dating for marriage and you think your date won't marry you unless you go against your values, then they were not seriously interested in you in the first place. They were interested in the way you could make them feel it was only fish love. If they wanted you for who you are, they would happily wait. People will wait for anything that they know is exclusive or they can't get it anywhere else. You are exclusive and priceless, even if you don't think you are so.

Speaker 1:

Don't forget that there are plenty of cases where people have had physical relationships before marriage and went on to have wonderful marriages. However, many of them also don't end up getting to phase four. There are single people who unfortunately have not yet found their true partners because they make their physical bodies easily available. You must present yourself as the most valuable thing in the world. Don't price yourself just like the low-priced vodka brands. How you perceive yourself is how others will perceive you. Don't cheapen yourself just because you think it will get you attention. You are unique and just as good as the most expensive brands of vodka. You are the great use. This is Coach Ratner, and thanks for listening to the Living in Clarity podcast.