Infinite Marriage Audio Book, Chapter #1

Does infatuation lead to lasting love, or is it a relationship trap? In this episode of the Living in Clarity Podcast, Coach Ratner demystifies the first phase of a loving relationship: "The Crush." By breaking down the crucial distinction between infatuation and genuine love, Ratner sets the stage for a deeper understanding of what it means to truly connect with someone. He introduces the concept of defining love within your relationship to prevent future misunderstandings and heartbreaks. Drawing on Rabbi Abraham Twersky's enlightening "fish love" analogy, Ratner explains how genuine love requires emotional availability and a willingness to give selflessly.

Tune in as Coach Ratner vividly illustrates that true love isn't about material gifts but about emotional connection and vulnerability. He explores the complications faced by individuals who struggle to open up due to past traumas or dysfunctional relationships and emphasizes the necessity of healing before entering a loving partnership. This episode serves as a cornerstone for anyone looking to establish a strong foundation for a lasting, loving relationship, offering insights that are both profound and actionable.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

This is the Living in Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Radner and today we are continuing to do the audiobook of Infinite Marriage the Four Phases of a Loving Relationship. Phase 1. The Crush Date them, don't mate them. The Feeling of being in Love.

Speaker 1: 0:18

Before we even get into understanding the first phase of love, we must have a common definition of what love is. The reason for this is that what love means to you may common definition of what love is. The reason for this is that what love means to you may be different than what love means to the person you're dating. Defining your terms before you get into a serious relationship will cause you to avoid many headaches in the future. At the very least, you need to agree on a common definition of love, even if you don't agree on mine. The reason that you want to define love is that it can easily be confused with infatuation. Infatuation can eventually transition to love, but you may not know when that transition happens or if it will happen at all. That can be a recipe for a disastrous relationship.

Speaker 1: 0:57

I've decided to add an additional explanation of love. Besides the definition, I will introduce the idea of what it feels like to be in love. The feeling of being in love is when you want to give to someone without expecting anything in return. On the other hand, infatuation is a temporary moment of desire because someone has something that you want. It's technically a byproduct in the brain that keeps you from making logical decisions. Many marriages occur because of infatuation, not love. People are infatuated with those they are attracted to, but they love those they are infatuated with and invest in. When we love someone, we want to give to them. We see that with our children. We give them and don't expect anything in back, except maybe grandchildren.

Speaker 1: 1:44

Rabbi Abraham Tversky, a well-known psychologist, warns about a concept called fish love. Fish love means you've found someone who can provide you with all your physical and emotional needs. For example, if you love to eat fish, it's because it tastes good, not because you love fish. We don't really love fish because if we did, we wouldn't fillet it and eat it for dinner. Instead, we would put it on our nightstand in a bowl of water, read it stories at night and take it to the park for playdates. That's crazy. Because we don't love fish. We love the pleasure and taste that the fish brings us.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Fish love means each partner is looking out for themselves, for what they can get out of the relationship. The other person becomes just a vehicle for their gratification. On the other hand, real love is what you have when the relationship is not about getting but about giving, because when we give to someone and I don't mean just baubles from Tiffany we are investing ourselves in them. Giving our heart, emotions, vulnerability, time and attention is really investing a bit of ourselves. We are giving them an opening into our feelings, desires, emotions, because the ultimate gift you can give to someone is to be emotionally available for them, since we ultimately love ourselves more than anyone else. If we give something of ourselves to someone else, we ultimately love them as well. This is why, when relationships are just based on the giving of gifts, they are destined to fail, because the gifts are compensating for their mutual lack of emotional availability. There are plenty of former wives driving around in their Mercedes or Maserati that their husbands gave them shortly before they became their exes. This is why people who have a hard time opening up emotionally have a much harder time with relationships. It is because that is what real love is based on with relationships. It is because that is what real love is based on. This is why, if we are emotionally damaged from a previous relationship, such as a heart-wrenching breakup, or dysfunctional or divorced parents. We are internally damaged and have a lot of repairing to do.

Speaker 1: 3:48

Defining love. Having already explained what it feels like to be in love, it's now time to define it. Why do I give both a feeling and also a definition of love? Because if you ask someone how they know they are in love, they won't give you a definition. They will tell you how they feel. They just know it from their feelings. Are your feelings ever wrong? I'll let you answer that. The definition of love is the emotion that you feel when you recognize another person's virtues and you identify and associate them with those virtues. To put it another way, everyone has quirks or eccentricities about them that you didn't know about before you married them. If you choose to focus on their negative traits, you'll be unhappy. So you better focus on why you fell in love in the first place.

Speaker 1: 4:41

Almost anyone you decide to marry is eventually going to cause you some sort of pain. This is almost a given. To get to the point, in a relationship where you are never leaving, you need to stay focused on why you decided to marry them. This is why only being infatuated will not lead to a lasting relationship. That feeling will eventually go away. You need the infatuation to get you started, but you will need it to evolve into so much more.

Speaker 1: 5:07

People unfortunately overlook the reasons they were attracted to their spouse in the first place and instead concentrate on their faults. Do your kids, if you happen to have any, have faults? Most likely, yes, but no one falls out of love with their children. Even parents of serial killers still love their children, although they despise their actions. You don't get to pick your children, yet you do choose your spouse. Why do parents love their children no matter how they behave, but are quick to divorce if they don't like their spouse's behavior? People get divorced because they stopped focusing on why they got married in the first place. There were reasons why you fell in love and you got married. What happened to those reasons? You stopped focusing on them and started focusing on your spouse's negative traits. How can we solve this problem of losing your focus on your spouse's virtues In order to prepare yourself for the unknown surprises in your relationship?

Speaker 1: 6:03

I'm going to use an analogy from the Food Network's popular cooking show Chopped. The show starts off with four contestants that have to compete for the final prize of Chopped Champion. They have 15 minutes to make an appetizer and they get judged. At the end of the first round, one person is chopped off the show and the remaining three people have 20 minutes to make a main course. At the end of the second round, another chef gets chopped off and then the final two contestants have to make a dessert to compete for chopped champion.

Speaker 1: 6:36

The catch is that right before the contest begins, each contestant has to open a box of very unusual ingredients that they each must use in their dish. These ingredients are so unusual that most people, even many professional chefs, have never used them before. For example, items such as crocodile tail, snake meat, black squid ink and other ingredients, or dried crickets. There is no kosher edition of the show yet, but when there is one, it will have ingredients such as picha, cow tongue tips and water locusts. We'll eventually find out which locust is kosher. The chefs will have a very short time to try to figure out how they're going to use these ingredients in their dishes.

Speaker 1: 7:17

This concept is very similar in marriage. We all have our own unusual character traits, when we recognize them or not. Most likely, some of your unusual traits will be something your spouse is unfamiliar with. Unfortunately, they can really damage a relationship. They can be simple as being lazy or quick to anger, or can be much worse, including traits such as the inability to trust, having major dysfunction, being unable to connect emotionally or having a large ego. Many of these deficiencies don't become a problem that they may ruin a marriage until they reveal themselves in later years. A potential spouse may have noticed that their partner gets angry easily, but they don't consider it enough of a problem to end the relationship. Then, 20 years after they got married, their anger gets considerably worse or it's not worse, but now that you live with them, you notice how prevalent it is.

Speaker 1: 8:11

In the end, we have to try to make a dish with our partner, so to speak. We may not even be aware of our own issues yet. We have to try to someone else's emotional problems as well. Sometimes we try our best for many years, but if it gets to be too hard, the relationship suffers greatly. Everyone has issues. There is no one in the world who is perfect, but there is someone who is perfect for you. Real love is when you focus on the other's virtues instead of their faults. When you are able to do that, then you will venture into a marriage or any relationship with much better tools and have a much higher chance of making a beautiful, delicious dish together. And if you really want fish love, go marry a salmon. This is the Living in Clarity podcast. I'm Coach Ratner. We'll see you next time.