The 10 Commandments of Marriage: #8- Do Not Steal My Time

What happens when we start valuing our time more than our money in a marriage? Discover how this shift can transform your relationship in the latest episode of the Living in Clarity Podcast with Coach Ratner. We continue our deep dive into the Ten Commandments of Marriage, focusing on the principle "Do not steal my time." Through engaging anecdotes and personal insights, Coach Ratner emphasizes the irreplaceable value of time and the importance of truly listening to your spouse to foster a deeper connection.

Join us as we share the beauty of shared responsibilities and mindfulness, drawing inspiration from the tranquility of Shabbat mornings. Coach Ratner offers reflections on how these serene moments contribute to a stronger marital bond. By integrating mindful listening, as illustrated through the Shema prayer's call to "hear and you shall listen," we can capture our spouse's heart and enhance our partnership. Tune in for an enlightening discussion on making the most of your precious time together and enriching your marriage beyond measure.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This is the Living in Clarity Podcast and this is Coach Radner. Today we are continuing our series on the Ten Commandments of Marriage. Number eight of the Ten Commandments from the Torah is Do not steal, and number eight from the Ten Commandments of Marriage is Do not steal my time. I'm going to repeat something I talked about in number seven, about the woman who claimed that her husband walked out on her when she was speaking, and I can totally relate to that. And I said to her because we only have so much bandwidth as guys to listen and women have to understand that Just of course we have to do a better job of showing them attention. But our time really is more valuable than our money and you have to understand the needs of somebody else and marriage is not about you and your needs that you need to talk to someone, you need someone to listen to you or you don't have time to listen to somebody else. Marriage is not about me. Marriage is about we, and when you're living with your wife and your husband, it's more than just roommates. In our family we have certain jobs that we do. My wife does the laundry, I do the cooking and generally she does the cleaning, or we try to get the kids to do the cleaning. But our time is very valuable. Everyone's time is valuable. It's one thing we have in our life that we can't get any more of. In fact, think about it no matter how rich or how poor you are, we all have the same exact amount of time. I mean, imagine if you could slow the rotation of the earth down. Instead of being a 24-hour day, you have a 28-hour day. What would you do with those extra four hours? I don't know. I mean, I think we'd all still be busy. I think we'd find it. I think we found we would find a way to be busy. I think that's the amazing reason why Shabbat is such an important part of people's lives that start keeping Shabbat when they understand it, because it's the only chance you have to unwind. It's the only chance you to tell you the truth.

Speaker 1: 1:55

My favorite time of the week is Shabbat morning, and I've been thinking about this a lot because I wake up usually around 6, 6, 30, and I, on purpose, don't go to early prayer services, early minyans, which I do during the week, like today. I went to a prayer service that started at like 5.12 am. I woke up at quarter to five went to the early minyan and got back. But on Saturday I don't do that because Saturday in the morning I can sit on my balcony, especially here in Jerusalem. Of course it's going to be different if you're in New York City there's no noise, there's no cars, there's no trucks In the morning. Here, even at five in the morning, you have delivery trucks and you have cars and buses are going Start at 530 or 6. And there's no noise. I can sit outside and I can think. In fact, a lot of the ideas for my classes and books happen to happen to come on the shabbat morning. Of course I can't write it down, but usually it's a good idea. I'm going to remember it and our, our time is important and we have to use our time wisely and this is why it's so important that when you can sit down and talk to your spouse, that you listen to them, because there's only so much time you have with them.

Speaker 1: 3:13

It's interesting in the second paragraph of Shema it says Shema is a prayer we say twice a day in our prayer services, which means hear and you shall listen, hear and you shall listen. And there's two kinds of hearing. There's one where it goes in one ear and out the other and there is listening, internalizing and understanding what they're saying, connecting to them. You know, we want to catch the heart of our spouse. We want our lives to be the center of their heart. And it's interesting that the word heart has the word ear right in the middle of it, because when we listen intently to our spouse, we're capturing them in the middle of their heart. And so, just like last time we talked about you, have to be careful how much you say. Once it was worth to be loving, affectionate, and realize that our time is very valuable. And when you have a need from your spouse, let's say I know my wife sometimes needs, you know, something. She'll text me and she needs it and I I make sure to put it in my time and my schedule that day to get what she needs and just just like she does things for me.

Speaker 1: 4:24

Also, because I put my marriage on the pedestal and the most important thing for me, for my wife, is to make my wife happy, because one of the first questions I must ask before you get married, anyone must ask before they get married a guy for a guy actually am I willing to make her happy the rest of my life and if I make her happy, she's gonna make me happy. I was in a class recently in bat-yam, which is south of Tel Aviv, and I said that to the class. I said there are three questions you must ask before you get married. And number one is are you physically attracted to them? You must answer yes. Number two is do you share common meaningful values and goals? And number three question you must ask before you get married is different for a man and a woman, and already she had a hard time with that. She already had a hard time with the fact that we had different questions. And I said the question that a man must ask before he gets married am I willing to make her happy the rest of her life? She didn't like that. She goes. Why can't I make him happy? I'm like you will. If he makes you happy, you'll make him happy. And the third question for a woman is do I respect him? Again, she had a hard time with that also Because we have different needs and going into a relationship thinking we're exactly the same, you're going to have a hard time.

Speaker 1: 5:40

We're not exactly the same. We have different needs, we have different desires, we have different things that speak to us. We have different things that make us happy. And you have to see the perspective of your spouse. Most important thing to a relationship understanding their perspective. Where are they coming from? What speaks to them? Because what speaks to me doesn't speak to my wife. We have different perspectives in life, but for me to have a passionate relationship with my wife, I have to be able to see things from her perspective.

Speaker 1: 6:11

There's an idea that you might have heard about what's mine is mine. In fact, I think this is mission in Pirkei, avos in our Torah what's mine is mine, what's yours is yours, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. And how do you to think to yourself, how do I react with my spouse when this comes up? Is what's mine, mine, is what's yours yours or is what mine is yours? Because if you want to have a passionate relationship, you have to have the attitude that whatever is mine is yours, because marriage is not about me, marriage is about we.

Speaker 1: 6:53

And when you understand that stealing is not just stealing money and stealing pocketbooks, stealing is also stealing someone's time. And then we have to look at every second that we spend with our spouse is valuable and we don't want to steal each other's time. So use your words affectionately. Use your time showing attention to your spouse, your words affectionately. Use your time showing attention to your spouse. Make sure you use your words for appreciation and have the awareness to know when they're done talking or when they want to talk some more. If you happen to like this podcast, please like, share, comment. You can send me an email at thelivinginclaritypodcastgmailcom. This is Coach Ratner and thanks for listening.