The 10 Commandments of Marriage: #7- Do Not Commit Emotional Adultery

Can emotional infidelity be as damaging as a physical affair? Prepare to uncover the hidden dangers of seeking emotional fulfillment outside your marriage in this enlightening episode of the Living in Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner, guiding you through the intricacies of emotional connections and how they can unravel the fabric of your relationship. Drawing from Gary Newman's profound insights in his book "Emotional Infidelity," we explore why keeping your emotional needs within your marriage is non-negotiable. Newman’s advice, including steering clear of friendships with the opposite sex, is highlighted, providing you with essential strategies to safeguard your marriage.

Discover practical tools to strengthen your bond with your spouse and prevent emotional adultery. Learn why simple gestures, like putting down your phone and genuinely engaging with your partner at the end of the day, can make a significant difference. Through real-life anecdotes and expert advice, we aim to equip you with the tools to foster a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your spouse. Tune in and transform your relationship, bringing you closer to a life of clarity and emotional fidelity.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

This is the Living in Clarity Podcast. I'm Coach Ratner and today we're continuing our series of the Ten Commandments of Marriage. Number seven of the Ten Commandments, the real Ten Commandments is do not commit adultery. And the Ten Commandments of Marriage number seven is do not commit emotional adultery. Why are we talking about emotional adultery? Because most people think that adultery is just physical. But adultery can also be emotional, which means it doesn't always go to physical. It means people look for emotional connections somewhere else and that can lead to the physical.

Speaker 1: 0:35

So, for example, there's an idea in the Torah that the punishment for a man that cheats on his wife is less than what a woman cheats on his wife. And the reason why we have that is because this is a generalization, which means there are exceptions. When a man cheats, it's generally because he has an opportunity. You know, he's on a vacation, he's at a convention and there's a lot of women there and he maybe works with them and he forms this emotional connection to them. And next thing, you know, uh, they have a physical fling. But that doesn't mean he's emotionally connected to her, it just means that he had physical fling, where generally, when a woman has an affair physical affair it's because she's looking for an emotional connection somewhere else because her husband is not providing it to her and therefore that the relationship is much harder to repair.

Speaker 1: 1:28

I know someone who went through a divorce and he sent emails out to people complaining that his wife was cheating on him and that she was horrible, and blah, blah, blah. And I'm thinking to myself. You know, there's always three stories to a challenge in marriages. It's usually his story, her story and the truth is generally somewhere in the middle, and I could tell from knowing this person that I would not be surprised if he did not pay great attention to his wife. That's just my opinion. And the reason why she cheated is because she needs an emotional connection, because that's how she defines her love, and he wasn't providing it, and maybe the opportunity came out. I'm not saying she's right, but that's usually what happens.

Speaker 1: 2:15

So Gary Newman, who's an author of a book called Emotional Infidelity he says that the attention we paid to anyone should be mainly our spouse. Marriage is about relating to a member of the opposite sex with intimacy that's experienced with no other. When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as physical adultery does. Newman also says that it's best to avoid friendships with people of the opposite sex. I'm quoting from his book. It says if you find yourself quick to dismiss my recommendation because it's ridiculous, unrealistic or any other pejorative, ask yourself whether you're being defensive.

Speaker 1: 2:59

Challenge yourself to pinpoint the reasons you may find my advice so irritating. Could you be avoiding a deeper commitment to your spouse and looking for reasons to seek connection elsewhere? He says when you get a ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex that happens to not be your spouse, you're just chipping away at your marriage. It's dangerous to your marriage, and not just because it may lead to intimacy. It drains your marriage of the immense energy it needs to grow, the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your spouse the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you are looking for elsewhere. This is why, when I talk to men and women all the time in classes, men need to stay emotionally connected with their spouses. And I give a tip to men in my classes.

Speaker 1: 3:58

I know when I was in New York and Chicago they really pounded me on this idea and they wanted me to repeat it that when a man comes home from his job or comes home from learning, wherever he is, or a wife comes home and they haven't seen each other all day, a man must put the phone down and ask his wife some questions. Now I know when I used to work while I was living in Maryland, I'd come home and I'd be doing a lot of business. I'd want to really grab a beer, sit on the couch and watch ESPN Highlights. I didn't really feel like talking to my wife because I've been busy all day at work and my mind's full of deals and things going on. People have to call back and in today's world you leave your office and you go home. You're still in your office because your office is your phone, so it's hard to get out of that office. I really didn't want to have to talk to my wife and I say to men you have to ask her three questions because she wants to connect you on an emotional basis.

Speaker 1: 4:52

She needs to talk to you. You first ask her what did you do today? If you know something specific she did with her son or daughter or friend, or she went to the gym or anything she did went shopping, you have to ask her something specific. And the second question you have to ask her is what's on your mind or what are you thinking about today? And the third question you have to ask her is how do you feel? And if she says fine, she's not fine, you have to keep probing until you find out what's going on with her. Now. All three of these questions relate to three different parts of her.

Speaker 1: 5:31

We talked earlier in a podcast about the PISE. The PISE in a relationship stands for it's an acronym for physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. How are you feeling today deals with emotions. What's in your mind deals with intellect, and what you do today deals with the physical part of her. You're hitting on three of the four aspects of a relationship and, by the way, many of us would rather go mow the lawn than have to ask these three questions.

Speaker 1: 6:04

And it's so important that a man connects to his spouse. I you know I talk about sometimes in real estate that there's three main keys to real estate. It's called location, location, location and there's also three themes to having a passionate loving relationship and that's called attention, attention, attention, called attention, attention, attention. Which means you must be putting your not just obviously physical parts of your love to your wife and husband, but also the emotional part. The seventh commandment of the Torah is do not commit adultery. But what can lead to that is emotional adultery. So you must make sure that you stay emotionally connected to your spouse. If you happen to like this podcast, please like, share, save, comment. If you have any questions or comments or suggestions, you can email me at thelivinginclaritypodcast at gmailcom. Thank you so much, and this is Coach Ratner with the Living in Clarity Podcast. We'll see you next time.