The 10 Commandments of Marriage: #6-Do Not Speak Negatively

Can words truly shape the destiny of your marriage? Discover the transformative power of language in relationships as Coach Ratner takes us through the sixth commandment of marriage: the imperative to speak positively. With insights rooted in personal experiences and wisdom from the Torah, we explore how the words we choose can either fortify or fracture our most intimate bonds. Coach Ratner candidly discusses the lingering impact of negative speech and why apologies may not always mend the emotional scars left behind.

In this enlightening episode, Coach Ratner introduces us to the concept of Lashon Hora from Judaism, emphasizing its four types and their detrimental effects on relationships. Through real-life examples and practical advice, we learn the significance of thoughtful and affectionate communication. Whether it's avoiding harmful gossip or expressing genuine appreciation, the language we use with our spouse can be a powerful tool for fostering a loving and supportive environment. Tune in and find out how to elevate your marital communication and build a stronger connection with your partner.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

This is Coach Radner on the Living in Clarity podcast. It's great to have you on my show today. If you happen to like the podcast, you can like, share or comment and if you have any suggestions you can email me at thelivinginclaritypodcast at gmailcom. Again, that's called thelivinginclaritypodcast at gmailcom.

Speaker 1: 0:21

Today we're going to continue with the Ten Commandments of Marriage. Number six In the Torah. The sixth commandment is called do not murder. But the sixth commandment of marriage is called do not speak negatively. It was interesting.

Speaker 1: 0:35

When I first got married, my wife said to me be careful what you say, because your words will hang around. And what she meant is that when, anytime, we get angry and, by the way, almost every marriage will go through some sort of turbulence, some sort of friction that it's very easy for someone to say I want a divorce or I hate you, and even though you may come later to apologize, those words are still hanging around you. You have to be careful. We talked about the four A's previously, that's attention, affection, appreciation and awareness, and today we're going to talk about the word affectionate. Not only should you be affectionate in your actions, which means physicality is a major part of a relationship and a man must stay connected to his wife and a wife must stay connected to her husband through touch, through you know, especially it's exciting when you're not supposed to be touching, like, for example, like you're in the kitchen just cooking, Next thing you know. You know you rub against someone. You know you rub against their tushy when you're walking by them. Maybe you're in an elevator and no one's in the elevator and you can like rub their back. It's very important to stay connected to your spouse through touch, but affection should also be through your words also. We must always be affectionate with our words.

Speaker 1: 1:46

There's an idea in Judaism called Lashon Hora and there's four types of it and there's one that's especially bad in a marriage. One of them is called Rehilut. And this is basically when you gossip and it's when you say something that's not important, not necessarily negative, not necessarily not true. It's just talking for the purpose of talking. For example, you might say to a friend of yours hey, I saw Sam last night on a date at the Ritz-Carlton Steakhouse or something. And your friend says Sam was at the Ritz-Carlton Steakhouse. Man, that guy, he owes me $100 from last week. I can't believe he's spending that much money on dinner. That guy, he owes me a hundred bucks from last week. I can't believe he's spending that much money on dinner, even though you said something kind of just like in passing.

Speaker 1: 2:30

It's considered lush and hard. You're not supposed to be talking about other people, especially when it's about nothing. The other type of lush and horror is mozi shemra, and this is when it gives someone a bad name. This is negative speech that is false, of course, not telling the truth, and this is called slander or defamation. Another kind is regular Lushen Horror.

Speaker 1: 2:48

When you're saying something about someone else it's negative even though it might be true. Now I know sometimes people will say, oh, I would say that to them behind their you know, in front of their face. That doesn't make it right to do. And Lushen Horror can kill. It kills three people, it kills the speaker, it kills the person being spoken to and it kills the person being spoken about. You know, growing up in a non-observant household, I didn't understand Lush and Holroyd, because I mean, when you go to a party, what does everyone do? I mean everyone talks about. You know how much money they're making, who's cheating on who, who's getting divorced, how much the cost of houses are and the local football team, because that's all people really talk about. But when you start thinking about your words, especially with your spouse, things change and lush and horror.

Speaker 1: 3:39

Evil speech, negative speech or any kind of speech that's not purposeful is not good for the relationship and you have to think before you speak. And think is an acronym it stands for. Is it true, is it helpful, is it important, is it necessary and is it kind. And when you think before you speak, you'll say better things. You'll have a much better relationship with your spouse because you're not just speaking out of anger, which we talked about being idol worship. You're not speaking because you want to criticize, because something's not going the way you like it. When you think before you speak, you'll have a much better relationship.

Speaker 1: 4:20

But I kind of think one of the most common and hurtful ways of Lushen Hara is called Avak Lushen Hara, which literally means the dust of Lushen Hara, which means this is an actual speech. This is actual body language. For example, you hear someone say something, talk to you and you're like that's ridiculous and you roll your eyes or you make bad body language, and body language is very important, especially with your spouse. You should never roll your eyes at your spouse. You should never shake your head at your spouse. There's some things for you to think about. When we're interacting with them and how you interact with them affects your spouse. You should never shake your head at your spouse. There's some things for you to think about. When we're interacting with them and how you interact with them affects your relationship.

Speaker 1: 5:04

John Gottman, a leading marriage counselor, says that he can predict when a divorce will happen with 94% accuracy. He brings a married couple into his lab and monitors their vital signs while trying to find one flashpoint that will cause the couple to disagree. What he is looking for is something called contempt. This is when one spouse not only disagrees with the other, but has no respect for what they think. It's not quite anger or just a different opinion, because of course that's an issue. It's one person rolling their eyes because of course that's an issue. It's one person rolling their eyes, shaking their head, thinking that anyone who has his opinion is an idiot, and they do it sometimes without speech. Now, of course, this contempt for someone would not be as strong if they were not married. Now, if you have these same differences with an acquaintance, it would not be such a big issue. Contempt is a clear indicator of a marriage in trouble, because it can tear love apart. Contempt is like swimming in the ocean without constantly adding sunscreen, which is interesting because we talked about sunscreen love before that.

Speaker 1: 6:09

You must always compliment, don't criticize, and this is how you build the love in the relationship. So the sixth commandment of marriage is do not speak negatively and you must think before you speak. Think stands for is it true, is it helpful, is it important, is it necessary and is it kind. My wife said to me when we first got married be careful with your words. Words can float around forever, even if you mean to take them back, even if you do take them back. So all our words should be affectionate and when you get married you should always be thinking of the four A's attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. This is Coach Ratner from the Living Clarity Podcast. Thank you so much for listening.