The 10 Commandments of Marriage: #3-Do Not Get Angry

Ever wondered how to keep the peace in your marriage and manage your temper effectively? Discover the secrets in our latest episode of Living in Clarity with Coach Ratner as we continue exploring the Ten Commandments of Marriage. This week, we focus on managing anger, highlighting the powerful 24-hour rule that could save your relationship from unnecessary conflicts. Learn why most arguments are fleeting and easily forgotten over time, and how applying this rule can help you maintain harmony. Coach Ratner shares wisdom from Jewish teachings like the Mishnah in Pirkei Avos, emphasizing the true strength in controlling one's emotions.

But that’s not all! Coach Ratner delves into the dynamic interplay between body, ego, and soul in our daily lives. Using the colorful analogy of a Poke Bowl, he illustrates how integrating all aspects of our being can lead us to our best selves. Hear about the deeper connections fostered through emotional control and why Judaism is seen as more of a relationship than a religion. Tune in for practical advice and spiritual insights designed to help you cultivate stronger, more fulfilling relationships in every area of your life.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Living in Clarity podcast. This is Coach Ratner, and today we're continuing our series on the Ten Commandments of Marriage. And today is number three In the Ten Commandments. The third is don't say God's name in vain. In the Ten Commandments of Marriage, number three is do not get angry. It's a little bit similar to the one we did previously where we talked about don't worshiping idols versus do not criticize, and the reason is because they both are both saying that if I criticize or I get angry, I'm saying that God made a mistake and God doesn't make mistakes. So one of the main things we're going to discuss is called the 24-hour rule about getting angry, because most of the time when you're involved in marriage, most of the arguments now this is a generalization, there are exceptions most of the arguments in a relationship are about really things you don't remember. If you happen to be married and you think about, think back about the argument you had with your spouse five years ago, three years ago, one year ago, even six months ago, you're probably not going to remember. And the reason why is because it's not so important.

Speaker 1: 1:14

Most of the times we get angry with our spouse it's because we have such a close relationship with them. There's an idea called sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Now, when you're eight years old and a neighborhood boy says that to you and you cry for 30 seconds, you eventually forget it because it doesn't really bother you. After that you forget about it. But when you're in a really close emotional relationship with someone, those words hurt. And because when you're in a close relationship, it's really easy to get angry. And because when you're in a close relationship, it's really easy to get angry. And so what the 24-hour rule states is that anytime you're getting into a looming argument with your spouse, you should at least wait 24 hours before you decide to yell or before you decide to engage with them with it. And the reason is because most of the time you'll forget why you are mad. And a lot of guys are up there saying wait a second. If I wait 24 hours, I'm going to forget. That's the point. Now, obviously there are exceptions, when you're doing major things that you're upset with your spouse about, but in general, 95% of them even 98% of them really nothing.

Speaker 1: 2:23

There's a famous Mishnah in Pirkei Avos that says who is rich, strong and wise? Ezifu Gibor Hakoveish Etniksru Ben Zoma said the one who is strong, he who conquers his evil inclination as it says, is better is one to slow the anger than a strong man. People say I'm a big, strong man, yet they can't control their anger. They're not very strong. They can't control their inclinations. We have to be able to control our emotions. That's one of the main things. Judaism is not a religion, it's a relationship. This you know. Judaism is not a religion, it's a relationship. And if you want to have a great relationship with anyone with your boss, with your co-workers, with your family you have to be able to control your emotions. The third paragraph of Shema it would say twice a day Do not swallow your heart in your eyes. That is having no control.

Speaker 1: 3:28

I gave a class yesterday at Eshet Torah on body, soul and pokeball and the whole essence of the class is that, for people understanding the body, we have an ego and we have a soul and our body wants to do what feels good and our ego wants to do what looks good. And our ego wants to do what looks good and our soul wants to do what is good, and we're challenged to test every single day between those three things. Every decision is basically a body, ego or soul decision and just like a poke bowl has rice and fish and vegetables, if you had a bowl of rice, is that a Poke Bowl? Not, really, it's just a bowl of rice. If you had a bowl of edamame, is that a Poke Bowl? No, it's just a bowl of edamame. You have to have all the ingredients in order to be a Poke Bowl and we need all three a body, soul, body, ego, soul the essence of who we are to be our best in life.

Speaker 1: 4:26

But if you just focus on your body or ego and forget your soul, you're not fulfilling your mission in life and you're probably not a happy person. And following your soul helps us to control our heart and our eyes. There's a famous actor, will Smith, who I don't know how long ago it was he went on stage and slapped a comedian and Will Smith followed his heart. He got angry and went on stage and slapped him. Of course, now his career, I think, is pretty much in shambles.

Speaker 1: 4:58

Now, what does do not get angry have to do with? Do not say God's name today, because again, when we get angry, we're saying God made a mistake and it's as if you're saying God's name in vain. We do a little time where we say words like, you know, omg. Now there's a little argument whether or not, when you say OMG or oh my gosh, or things like that, am I saying God's name in vain. For someone, maybe, who has a close relationship with God and who understands there's a God who's, I guess, religious I guess you would say it may be, but someone who has no connection whatsoever, they just say the word gosh. You know, does it really mean anything? You're saying O-N-G really mean much? You can argue against it. You can argue either way, no-transcript.

Speaker 1: 5:53

Hitler said in Mein Kampf that there's two scourges that the Jewish nation brings upon the world. One is bris milah and the other is a conscience. And Hitler didn't like that. The reason is because Jewish people bring God down to the world. We're not better than everybody else, even though you know we're called a chosen people. God chose us. It's not you know. We chose him. But he offered the Torah to every single nation. No one wanted it, we took it. It doesn't mean we're better. It just means we have more responsibility to the world and we have to do the right thing. And when the Jews do the right thing, the world rises and when the Jews do the right thing. And when the Jews do the right thing, the world rises, and when the Jews do the wrong thing, the world falls. The Torah that he gave us is an instruction manual on morality, and we understand that there's good and bad in the world, and our job is to choose good.

Speaker 1: 6:50

Now, when someone says, oh, I don't need Torah because I'm a good person, let's define our terms. What does that mean? To be good? And that's what Torah brings us. It brings us our guidelines of how we're supposed to live our life, and the problem with someone like Hitler and many other people in the world is that they don't like the Jews because we bring God down to the world. And the problem with that is that they want to be God.

Speaker 1: 7:19

And when you get angry, you're insinuating, without even thinking about it, that either God made a mistake or there is no God. Either way, when you're in a marriage and you're getting angry at your spouse, you're breaking one of the Ten Commandments, and this commandment do not say God's name in vain is important, because God's name in vain is important, because God's an important part of our life. He created us. So next time you decide to get angry. You don't decide to get angry. You have no control of your emotions and you just get angry. Think to yourself. You know what? Maybe this is idol worship. Maybe I am not understanding that everything that happens to me is for my good, for me to learn from. Like I've said many times, the Gemara says for everything bad that happens to us, something good will happen. And every time something good happens to us, something bad will come from it, and this is why we should be thanking God for everything good that happens to us. Something bad will come from it, and this is why we should be thanking God for everything good that happens to us and everything bad that happens to us. Number three don't say God's name in vain and you should understand. If you want to have a passionate, loving relationship all based on my book Infinite Marriage the Four Phases of the Loving Relationship, now available on Amazon you do not get angry at your spouse. You use the 24-hour rule and you wait and you think about it and you think about how can I solve this issue that I have with my spouse in a way that's not going to create animosity or contempt or hate. There's a way that's not going to create animosity or contempt or hate. There's a way through every situation. It just may take time thinking about it. You may have to ask a friend some advice or ask me, coach Ratner. Funny yesterday, I got so many texts yesterday with people asking for advice on dating and it's and I'm still meeting with people. I have a whole bunch of appointments next week. I'm meeting with people and I really enjoy. I really enjoy helping people.

Speaker 1: 9:28

I had a I guess it was a case study a girl who dated a guy five times. She was from New York and she dated a guy and he sounded great, she was 31. You know all these things, I used to see it in context a guy five times. She was from New York and she dated a guy and he sounded great, she was 31. You know all these things. I used to see it in context. Like I coaxed someone when I was in New York recently and if they were 21, 22, I say you know what I would pass on this marriage right now. They were like 41 and 39. And there's a lot of good things about it and there were some issues. I said they should get married and I might not have said the same thing if they were 20 years younger. Age does have play an effect on how their life is, because it's you know, obviously the older you are, the harder it is to get married.

Speaker 1: 10:06

So this woman yesterday contacted me. She dated this guy five times and she told me all these amazing things about the guy. And she said the problem was she's a Baal Tshuva, which means she was not religious, and he is a Frum Frum Bursh. So she said that he's just not really excited about, you know, learning Torah and growing. But she said so many amazing things about this guy that you know he's a happy person and he opens up emotionally and he's funny and he's wicked smart, he's going to have a good job. And so I said this is fine, I mean you can work with this.

Speaker 1: 10:46

And then she told me some other things later on, as time came on. The thing is, I think she wanted to really fall in love with this guy, but she felt there was something going on and one of the things was he said to her that he watches a lot of porn. He's in his I believe, early 30s and he says it's a problem. And I said to her you know, it's fairly common today for people to watch that. And I said that is not. The only issue I said with this is that if you do get married, his expectations of a physical relationship will probably not be met. He'll probably be unhappy with it because of what he's seen on the internet. But I said that can still be solved. He just needs someone. He needs a rabbi or a coach to get them to understand that.

Speaker 1: 11:38

But then she wanted to tell me some other things that he was extremely heavy, extremely heavy and had a horrible diet, a lot of side foods, and that he had a lot of health issues. And I said to her I said you know you didn't tell me these things at first, and she's a very healthy eater. And I said you're going to have a hard time. The little I've talked to you. You're going to have a hard time respecting him. And she said you're right.

Speaker 1: 12:08

And the more I thought about it because the more I take time and think about a relationship just like you wait 24 hours and you're mad at your wife the more you think about it, the more clarity you get. And I got the clarity from this woman that I don't think she should marry this guy, even though he's wicked smart I mean, we all like to be with smart people but his health is going to be a major issue. He's got a lot of issues right now I don't want to mention, but I think it's going to come back to bite her. I said I don't think you know, I'm not writing these books and giving these podcasts. You'd have a good marriage. I'm not doing it for you to have a great marriage. I'm doing it for you to have an awesome marriage and in order to do that, you have to have the right wisdom, and one is don't get angry at your spouse. Take it, throw it away, use the 24-hour rule and be a strong person.

Speaker 1: 13:08

Will Smith's foulest heart didn't control his emotions. Many people in life don't do it. I'm sure there's a million examples Lo tasuru, acharei, levashem, bi-achareen, e-fem. Do not fall your heart in your eyes and do not get angry, and you will have a passionate relationship with your spouse. If you happen to like this podcast, please share it. Like it. I'd love to see some comments. I don't have any comments. I have one comment on Spotify, for the sour was so good. Anyway, thank you so much for listening and we'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to the Living in Clarity podcast.