The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

The 10 Commandments of Marriage: #2-Do Not Criticize

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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What if criticism in marriage is as harmful as idol worship? Join us as we continue our insightful series on the Ten Commandments of Marriage, where we uncover why "do not criticize" is a cornerstone for a thriving relationship. We dive deep into how criticism can erode the foundation of a marriage by undermining the belief that everything unfolds according to God's plan. Through personal stories and powerful examples, we illustrate the pervasiveness of criticism and its impact on our closest relationships. Learn how striving for positivity and being mindful of our actions can dramatically enhance our spouse's self-esteem, nurturing a more loving and supportive union.

This episode also introduces the concept of "Sunscreen Love," highlighting the necessity of constantly nurturing romance to keep the relationship vibrant and healthy. Discover the four A's of a loving relationship—attention, affection, appreciation, and awareness—and their vital role in meeting your partner's needs. We also share an exciting glimpse into our upcoming self-esteem classes, designed to further enrich your personal and relational growth. Stay tuned and get ready to transform your marriage into a criticism-free zone of love and respect!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Living in Clarity podcast. This is Coach Ratner. We're continuing our series on the Ten Commandments of Marriage. We are now at commandment number two. The commandment number two of the Ten Commandments is do not worship idols. And the commandment of the Ten Commandments of Marriage number two is do not criticize. Why is do not criticize like worshiping idols. Why is do not criticize like worshiping idols?

Speaker 1:

Because you know, growing up in a for me, growing up in a secular household, you know people used to get angry all the time and I learned that when you get angry or criticize, it is as you are saying, god made a mistake and it really helped me get rid of any anger I had. But the same is for criticism, because we criticize people all the time and we don't really realize it and anytime you criticize someone, you're basically saying that God made a mistake. And when one has strong conviction that God put his head for a purpose, that everything happens to us as part of God's plan, and we realize that God doesn't make mistakes, so really everything's supposed to be happening to us, and when you want to criticize someone, obviously it's because you feel they deserve it. It's if you're saying that this should be not happening to me. This should not be happening to me, and it's your fault, not mine. So if you change, then I'll be happy. But we have to realize that we can't change people. We can only change our reaction to them. And when we criticize other people, we tear them down, not just, obviously, even our spouses, for sure, but your children, your friends. No one wants to be like you're someone who criticizes them. Can you imagine if I said to you by the way, we have a new yoga instructor in town. By the way, she's really critical. Do you want to meet her? Of course not. No one wants to be someone really critical. So there's an idea in life that we should have what's called an 80-20 rule and that states that 80% of the time we should say positive things and 20% of the time we can say negative things. But let me tell you, when it's concerning your spouse, you should be shooting for 100. And the reason why is you're going to make mistakes. We always make mistakes, especially with the persons closest to us, because we're the most emotional with them. Now, why do I think criticism is very bad for a marriage?

Speaker 1:

I grew up in an Ashkenazi house where there were people in my family who were very critical, and then some of the children became very critical. And you don't realize that you're criticizing because it becomes such a normal part of your vernacular and you start to do it without even really realizing it. I was coaching a girl recently a young lady I should say, and she had just become somewhat observant in the Jewish world and she was dating a guy who was of Sephardi background. That means you know, he was more connected Jewishly, probably maybe not observant, but he was definitely more connected. And they went to a restaurant and they were going to have a sandwich. And she wants to go wash her hands, because we wash our hands and say a bracha before we have a sandwich. And she washed her hands and said a bracha before we have a sandwich. And she washed her hands and said a bracha. And he came back, he washed his hands, he ate a sandwich and he didn't say anything. And she says to him this is what she told me, aren't you going to say a bracha. And he says to her no, I'm not going to say a bracha. And she responds you know you're supposed to say a bracha. And she responds you know you're supposed to say a bracha. He goes, I guess, and he continued to eat the sandwich.

Speaker 1:

And when she was telling me this story, obviously this relationship did not last very long. I said to her do you realize that you were criticizing him? She says, no, I wasn't. I says, yes, you were. I said from your perspective, you're not criticizing him. She says, no, I'm trying to make him to a better guy. I go yeah, that's from your perspective, but you're not in a relationship by yourself, you're in a relationship with somebody else. Like I always say, marriage is not about me, marriage is about we, and you have to be able to see things from his perspective. So he was taking it as he was being criticized. So we do it all the time, and especially in relationships, we don't even know we're doing it. And now that I'm aware of it, it's funny. And I guess the reason I became more aware of criticism is because when I started writing my book on self-esteem which hopefully should be out by the end of 2024, it's going to be called Never Feel Unloved Again the Symptoms and Strategies to Cure Low Self-Esteem I have a chapter.

Speaker 1:

The book's made of three parts. The first part is symptoms of low self-esteem. These are things that happen to you when you may have low self-esteem. We all go through all these things, but these are things that you do and then I go through at the end of the book is about the 12 strategies to cure low self-esteem. But the middle part of the book, that's four ways in which you may cause low self-esteem in other people, and the reason why I put that? Because my way of voice says to me you know you can't cause other people to feel bad about themselves and you know I'm not going to argue that point. But whether we can or we can't, when we're aware of the feelings of somebody else and how we act in front of them, we'll be more aware of our own feelings. So the four that I put in this book are name dropping. This is when you mention someone's name of importance to make you feel higher in your eyes than somebody else because you have low self-esteem.

Speaker 1:

Or the humble brag. This is when you say things like oh my gosh, I can't believe I haven't. Some say a young lady says I haven't slept in three days, I haven't showered. Every time I go to a bar, guys still hit on me, still hit on me. That's like a humble brag. Or like I missed my flight. Thank God I had access to the private club. Whatever, it's a humble brag Saying something bad happened to you, but it's doing it in a way that shows that you're bragging. That's two. Number three is pressuring others. We pressure others all the time. We want to do things with them. We don't go by ourselves because we have low self-esteem or we might cause others to have low self-esteem. And the last one is posting on social media.

Speaker 1:

And when I became aware of all these things, I started becoming aware of other people's self-esteem. I became more aware of my own self-esteem and that everything I do in my life now I put a barrier around my happiness. I do things that make me happy and don't do things that don't make me happy, but it doesn't mean I don't go to the dentist or I have to pay my taxes. I do things like that, obviously. But I'm more aware of other people's feelings, which make me more aware of my feelings. And I think when you start to seek criticism around you, maybe it's towards you, maybe it's your boss to somebody else, maybe it's someone else in your family Not always towards you, but other people criticizing other people or criticizing you, or maybe you realizing. You know what I'm being critical. You'll start to see it more and you'll start to do it less. And the reason I write about self-esteem in other people is that, again, you become aware of it, you'll do it less likely and you'll be a happier person. And same with criticism. When you become aware of it, you'll be more aware of your own criticism and be able to get under control, because you have control of your actions and your emotional state and your emotional state.

Speaker 1:

You know it was very easy in the story of Joseph when his brothers came down to Egypt and Joseph finally said to his brothers I am Joseph, I'm your brother. They didn't recognize him. He says my father's still alive. But the next thing he says basically it's not your fault, he could have went off on him. I mean, he could have criticized him, he could have gotten angry, he could have put him in jail. He was basically running Egypt, basically the king. He didn't do it. He said, because God is in control, everything that happened here, the reason why you're in Egypt, the reason why I'm the viceroy of Egypt, because God is in control.

Speaker 1:

And just like the commandment of, do not worship idols. When you realize that criticizing is like worshiping idols. You're going to stop doing it and become more aware of it and the people around you will be happier and love you more and want to be near you because you're not so critical, because we're all critical all the time, without even thinking about it, and God doesn't make mistakes. So when you have a clear, solid connection to God, you realize he doesn't make mistakes. So I have a little song I sing at my house. It's a concept in my new book that's out now on Amazon, called Infant and Marriage the Four Phases of a Loving Relationship. It's called Sunscreen Love and the reason why I called it Sunscreen Love is because it relates to me. I use a lot of analogies and obviously, if you hear my classes, a lot of acronyms.

Speaker 1:

Sunscreen love is kind of like when you go to the beach. I used to go to Dewey Beach in Delaware and I was a regular there on weekends. I'd go like at 9 in the morning and I'd put on sunscreen, you know, spf 15 or 30 or whatever they had then, and I'd be at the beach all day. And you know, I go to the beach, I'm busy, I'm a really busy guy. I have to play in the waves, I have to play volleyball, I have to talk to my friends, I have to take a walk, I have to take a nap, I have to get lunch, I have to read a book. I'm a busy guy, right. I'm busy on the beach. What happens is I go back, or at four or five in the afternoon, I'd be on the beach all day. I'd be completely burnt. What happened? I put sunscreen on. I forgot to reapply the sunscreen.

Speaker 1:

And this is the same thing with love. We're in a relationship with somebody else, we're married, god willing, and love is easy when you're 21, 25, even 30. But as you grow older together and you have wives and you have children, and you have jobs and hobbies and working out and whatever you're doing writing a book, whatever you're doing you get busy and you forget to reapply the sunscreen. That is called romance. Romance is taking the infatuation, lust, desire you have somewhat early on and turning that into love Now again, it's easy when you're young, but as you get older, especially with kids, you have to work on it. I know men in their 40s and 50s who have gotten divorce letters from their wives' attorneys and they had no idea that the relationship was faltering. They were completely clueless and the reason is they forgot to put sunscreen on. You forgot to romance the love and the relationship. If you do not work on that love, your relationship will burn.

Speaker 1:

It's a fact of life and we're going to talk about this idea of romancing the relationship, of putting sunscreen on, throughout the 10-part series. We discussed in the first part the awareness. It's part of the four A's. It's scattered throughout my book. The four A's of relationship are attention, affection, appreciation and awareness, and in the last episode we talked about the awareness of the needs of your spouse. When you got married, she or he probably did not give you a list of the requirements you had to have in a relationship. You had to figure them out for yourself and you shouldn't have to do that. It's to understand what they are and that means having the awareness to know what their needs are and what really speaks to them for love, because what speaks to one person for love might not speak to the person for love, because you have your perception of love and they have their perception of love. That's why in my book I really go through what the definition of love is. We'll probably get to another podcast, but sunscreen love is such an important concept. You have to keep working on that love. And every time you criticize your spouse, you are wiping the sunscreen off and the relationship will burn. And every time you criticize your spouse I'm sorry, compliment your spouse you're putting sunscreen on. So you have to say to yourself what do I want my relationship to be like? Do I want to have a passionate, loving relationship or do I just want to have an average relationship? There's plenty of books for you to have a decent relationship. This discussion is for you to have a passionate, loving relationship with one person the rest of your life. I have no intention of failing, as long as you listen to my podcast, read my books, ask me questions.

Speaker 1:

This morning I spoke in Queens a few weeks ago. I got a text this morning from a woman who dated a guy five times and I was pretty sure she was an observant woman and she said she's not sure about the relationship and I couldn't really talk to her. It's hard to speak with people in America because I'm busy and it's a seven-hour time difference. I said leave me voice notes. So we went back and forth Hopefully I'm going to talk to her today and she said that she's Balchuvah, which means she was not religious and then became religious and she's fired up, she's all excited and he was religious from birth. So, as you can guess, he's not as excited. So she's into growth and she's claiming that he's just not into personal, into growing. And then I said let me hear more about him. And she left me a bunch of voice notes and I got to tell you, this guy's awesome. I mean like he's got everything going for him, like everything. Like I said to her and I don't tell people to break up, I let them figure that out themselves but with this guy I'm like I don't know. I said you can't blame him for the fact that he was raised in a religious household. He doesn't have the passion and the fire for learning like you do, because it's new to you. For him it's not new, it's wrote to him. I said this should not fail. You have something to work with here. The point I was trying to make is that she can be critical with him and say why aren't you learning? Why aren't you going to meet your rabbi?

Speaker 1:

There's a way to do it, a nuanced way to criticize, which I'm not going to get into now. But when you criticize your spouse, you are tearing apart, the love and your relationship will burn. So I sing a little song Complimental criticize, or she'll find another guy. Complimental criticize, or she'll poke you in the eye. Complimental criticize, or she'll say you in the eye. Compliment, don't criticize. Or he'll say bye, bye, bye. Compliment, don't criticize, live under sunny skies. When you compliment your spouse, you're building the love in the relationship. When you criticize your spouse, you're tearing it down. And it's just like the second of the Ten Commandments Do not worship idols. Because when you criticize your spouse, you're saying the world's not working the way I want it to, they're doing something wrong, or it really is something for you to learn from and you can't change the person you're married to, but you can change your reaction. And one last thing Imagine you go home and your newlywed wife sets up the bedroom beautifully and next to her bed stand she has a picture of Brad Pitt. That is like worshiping an idol, and when you criticize your spouse, it's the same thing.

Speaker 1:

Thank you very much for listening to my podcast, living in Clarity. If you happen to like this. I never ask this. I need to because everyone does it, so there's a reason why. Probably. Please share it like it, comment and tell your friends about it, and we're going to finish the other seven parts to this 10-part series and then sometime in the summer I'm going to start working on more self-esteem classes. It was great having you on today. I really appreciate it and be well, thanks for listening.