The Living in Clarity Podcast, w/Coach Ratner

The 10 Commandments of Marriage: #1-I am Your Spouse

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Embark on a  journey into marital bliss with Coach Ratner as we unveil the Ten Commandments of Marriage. With the first commandment, "I am your spouse," we unravel the mystery of  understanding your partner's unique essence, similar to knowing G-d. Discover the five love languages along with the four A's—attention, affection, appreciation, and awareness—that foster a deeper connection with your significant other. This episode will equip you with personal strategies to cater to your partner's needs, a treasure trove for those looking to fortify their relationship.

I'll guide you through the art of building an emotional connection. Learn how asking three pivotal questions about your spouse's day can bridge the physical, intellectual, and emotional aspects of their experience, strengthening your bond. We'll also confront the challenges that us men have with communication and how we only have so much 'listening bandwidth'. Prepare to be enlightened and amused with real-life anecdotes as we explore the dynamics of marriage for a more meaningful and engaged partnership.

Coach Ratner:

Welcome to the Living in Clarity podcast. This is Coach Ratner. I'm very excited. Today we're going to be starting a new series called the Ten Commandments of Marriage. You know we have a holiday coming up soon in the Jewish world called Shavuot, and it has to do with the giving of the Ten Commandments to the Jewish people. Now these Ten Commandments are pretty much really for the whole world Maybe not number four, which is to keep Shabbos, but pretty much every one of them is for the world. And I start thinking these each kind of relate to marriage in its own way. So I came up with this concept of the Ten Commandments of Marriage. Each one is going to relate to one of the Ten Commandments. So the first of the Ten Commandments is I am Hashem, I am God, and the Coach Ratner Marriage Ten Commandment is: I am your spouse.

Coach Ratner:

Now we first have to kind of dissect the commandment from the Torah to understand what it means I am your spouse. So when the Torah says I am God, what's it really saying? I mean, that's not a commandment, it's a statement. The Torah is asking us is to know God, is for us to know him. Now how do we do that? You know we can't take God to Starbucks, we can't take him to dinner, we can't right. The only thing we can do is read the Torah. It's the only thing we can do to know God. So when I say I am your spouse, what am I saying? I'm saying you have to know your spouse.

Coach Ratner:

Now it seems like kind of obvious that you should know your spouse, but do you really know them? I mean, it's unlikely that when you get married, your wife or husband is going to give you a list of requirements that you need to fill all your needs. Can you imagine your wife telling you on your wedding day honey, I expect you to give me words of encouragement every day, to rub my back at least once or twice a week. I expect you to spend $50 a week on Shabbos flowers and $100 on Yom Tov and, by the way, you know that Shalom I want to buy. It has to be at least $10,000. You know like they don't tell you these things, and if you're a woman, your husband's not telling you his needs. And that's what I'm here for To help you figure out what the needs of your spouse are. Because when the Torah says I am God, it's asking us to know him. So we have to know him. And, just like the first commandment of the Ten Commandments of Marriage is I am your spouse, we have to know who your spouse is.

Coach Ratner:

Now it's very important to understand someone else's perspective, because perspectives are a very important part of relationships. You have your definition of love, your perspective of love. They have their perspective of love. You have your perspective of marriage, they have their perspective of marriage, and they're not aligned, it's not maxed up together. You're going to have a hard time. So what speaks to you might not speak to your wife or your husband. So the five love languages are words of affirmation. The five love languages are words of affirmation acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. What speaks to you might not speak to them and you have to figure out their perspective so you can speak their language. So for me, acts of service is very important.

Coach Ratner:

I, if you've ever been to my house for Shabbat, you know I like a clean kitchen. So when anyone cleans my kitchen, I love them. I mean like just come clean my kitchen and I love you. I mean that's the way it works in my house. Now. Do I love cleaning? I clean all the time. Do I love cleaning. I don't love cleaning but I love a clean kitchen. So I have to go through the pain of cleaning my kitchen or for it to be clean. So I, you know, go through the pain in order to get to my pleasure, the pleasure of being in a clean kitchen.

Coach Ratner:

But you have to know what speaks to your spouse. You know, back when I was in college I used to throw a lot of parties. I used to buy kegs. Back then you could buy a keg of beer Schmitz for, I think, $28 for a keg. I'd buy three or four kegs and throw a party. I jokingly always said I wanted to have a kegerator. A kegerator is like a refrigerator for kegs. A man wants a kegerator and he buys his wife that for her birthday. That language is not speaking to her because she doesn't probably want to kegerate her. It might make you happy but it won't make her happy. So you have to know what speaks to your spouse. You have to have what I call the awareness. The awareness is part of the four A's of relationship and throughout the series of the Ten Commandments of Marriage that we're going to go through, today we're talking about the first commandment. I am Hashem, I am your spouse. You have to have the four A's in your relationship, that is, attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. And you have to have the awareness of their needs, of what speaks to them, of what fulfills them. And if you don't have that awareness, you're going to have a hard relationship.

Coach Ratner:

I just got back speaking from Chicago and New York 11 times in seven days. Yes, it was exhausting, but it was very fulfilling. It was amazing. And I tell the men in every one of these classes that when they come home from work, or they come home from learning, or they come home from wherever they're out for a long time, they need to connect to their spouse, because a relationship is based on four different parts and I call them the PIEs. If I was teaching this class in person, I'd write the word PIEs on the board and it's not apple or cherry pie Pecan pie is my favorite FYI and the pies stand for physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. The pies stand for physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. And now all four of these are important. I believe the most important and now all four of these are important I believe the most important, especially for a woman, is the emotional connection. Men don't have that need that deep emotional connection as much as women do.

Coach Ratner:

And I can go with my friend Barry Cohen or Adam Herman or Jacob Boehm, and we can go to a Knicks game, wizards game, and we can say a few words to each other, have a beer, have some peanuts, go home. We had a great time. Have you ever watched an NBA game, especially a playoff game? And you're right in the middle, you know, middle of the court, center court, third row from the, you know from the floor. There's two women there and what are they doing? The whole time they're talking. They're not watching the game, because women need to talk and they need someone to listen.

Coach Ratner:

When I was in my early 20s I couldn't had a hard time getting second dates and one of my friends said to me, cab Bennett. He said, don't talk to the women, just listen to them and they're going to love you. And he was completely correct. So, as a guy, when we come home from work and we haven't seen our spouse for a while, we have to put our phones down and we have to ask them three questions. Now, many men rather go out and mow the lawn than ask these three questions. It's not easy for us to do. But if you train yourself to do this, you will make a deeper emotional connection to your spouse.

Coach Ratner:

When my father was alive, back when I lived in Virginia, he would come home from work. I lived with him when I was little. He'd come home from work and we lived in this beautiful house in Virginia. We had a big garden and he used to work in the garden. We had grapevine. We had one grapevine and he used to work in the garden. We had grapevine. We had one grapevine. I think he tried growing blueberries. It didn't work very well. We had corn, but we had beans and tomatoes and peppers and carrots and he'd come home and go right to the garden and he'd water the plants and then he'd pick some plants. He'd putter around for a while and he'd come inside the house and then he'd pick some plants. He'd putter around for a while and he'd come inside the house, take a nap on the floor and only then did he come in to speak to my mom Because he had to relax when he came home he had to like unwind.

Coach Ratner:

I remember when I used to work in the coin business back in Maryland. I would come home and I'd believe what I wanted to do. When I came home and I'd say a little to my wife, hey, and I want to grab a beer and I want to go into my office and watch ESPN highlights, because that's what I had on wine, and the idea of having to come home and connect to my spouse wasn't on my mind. Of course, my marriage was only decent then and when I started learning what it means to have a passionate marriage, I figured you know, I have to make a connection to my wife. So I put down my phone and I asked my wife these three questions. Now, do you have to do them every day as a guy? No, you don't, but you should do them occasionally. And as long as your wife knows that you ask these questions on an occasional basis, or she knows you're thinking about these three questions, it's a game changer. Again, many men rather have a colonoscopy than have to ask these three questions, because it's not easy for us and, by the way, I'm going to beat up on the woman a little bit later but men have to learn to connect to their wives. The three questions are, by the way, when I gave this in New York and Chicago, I mean I had to repeat them three or four times because people were taking notes. It really was. It made quite an impression on them.

Coach Ratner:

The first question the man must ask his wife when he comes home from anywhere what did you do today? If you know something that she did specifically which means she took your son to the doctors, she went to a Pilates class, she went to the grocery store then you must ask her something specific and you have to sit there and listen for at least 15 seconds. No, just kidding. That's question number one. Question number two what's on your mind? Or what are you thinking about? What are you thinking about For me conjures up negative feelings, because I think it's kind of weird as a guy to say what are you thinking about For me conjures up negative feelings, because I think it's kind of weird as a guy to say what are you thinking about. I'd rather say what's in your mind. And the third question you have to ask how do you feel? And if she says I'm fine, she's not fine. You have to keep probing until you get the right answer and listen to what her problem is.

Coach Ratner:

Now, all three of these questions deal with three parts of the pies Physical, the intellectual, emotional and spiritual. Number one what did you do today? Deals with her hands Physical. Number two what are you thinking about or what's in your mind? Deals with her intellect. And number three how are you feeling? Deals with her heart, that's, her emotions. And you're working on three aspects of the pies.

Coach Ratner:

As a man, you sit there and listen, understand what your wife wants to say to you Now, on the other hand, and understand what your wife wants to say to you Now, on the other hand. A woman must understand that we only have so much bandwidth to listen. Let me give you an example. When I was in Chicago last week, a woman came to me after work in my classes and she said to me you know my husband, I'll be talking to my husband and he'll walk out on me when I'm talking to him. And I said to her you know, I've done the same thing to my wife. Like, I'll be talking to my wife, she's telling me stuff. I'll come home from teaching and next thing I think in my head oh, I have to take the chicken out of the freezer so I can make it for dinner. And or, oh, I need to, you know, turn the oven off. I put like whatever it is, I'm like I just run out of the room and she goes. You know, I'm talking to him Like I just completely forgot, because a thought comes into my mind and I have to go do it, like my wife's talking to me and I think, oh donut, and I have to run out and get a donut.

Coach Ratner:

Like we have these things that come to our mind, we have to do a good job. We have to have the awareness, the awareness to understand our spouse's needs. The other spouse has to have the awareness that we only have so much bandwidth to listen. The stories are so important in a relationship I'll be talking about these throughout this 10-part series on the Ten Commandments of Marriage attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. And so the woman has to have the awareness. We only have so much bandwidth, we can only listen so much. So this woman I was talking to her in Chicago and I said to her you know, it's possible that you're speaking too much. It's possible that he only can listen for a certain amount of time.

Coach Ratner:

Now, obviously, as a guy, he has to do a better job than I. It's not the right thing to do. I'm not saying what he's doing is correct. He has to be aware that he shouldn't be doing that. But she has to be aware that he shouldn't be doing that. But she has to be aware that maybe I need to put my talk into bullet points.

Coach Ratner:

And I'm laughing about this because my sister in Florida and I, we both take care of another sister of ours in Maryland, and when we started working together to take care of my sister who's handicapped, she would write me these long emails and I guess maybe it wasn't paying attention. I don't know how it happened. My wife got in the middle and my wife said to her you probably are going to be better off communicating with them in bullet points and what she does now and it's great she sends me an email and there's a list of things that I have to do. It goes one, two, three. It's easy for me because women like to talk. I mean, that's how they connect to people and we only like to listen so much. So, just like we have to do a better job of listening to our spouse and being aware of their needs, that they need to connect to us emotionally Because, remember, the first commandment of marriage is I am your spouse, so I have to know what your needs are. Maybe you have to tell me. Maybe you have to tell your best friend, for her to tell her husband to tell me. Maybe you have to tell me only certain times of the day. But we have to know who you are, we have to know what your needs are, what fulfills you. Like I said, if I bought my wife a kegerator, she'd be like what here, honey, happy birthday.

Coach Ratner:

There's a story about a man who comes home and he sees his wife and she goes. Well, what are you going to say? He goes, what are you talking about? He goes. You don't remember. He goes, no, it's our anniversary. And she gets so mad and she kicks him out of the house and he goes to speak to his rabbi. He goes rabbi, rabbi, my wife's mad at me. I forgot it's our anniversary. So he says to the man go out and buy her flowers and just knock on the door and hand them to her and say happy anniversary. That's all you can do. So he goes out the store, he buys flowers. He comes home, he knocks on the door, this wife answers and he says to her my rabbi told me to buy these for you. Happy anniversary.

Coach Ratner:

We're not the greatest guy, listen. We try, we really do. But as a woman. You have to try. Also. You have to make an effort to understand. We can only listen so much. We have to make that same effort to be aware of your needs, that you need to connect to us emotionally, and when we do that, we'll have much better relationships. I am your spouse, and when we do that, we'll have much better relationships. I am your spouse. I am God. In order to know I am God, we have to know God In order to know I am your spouse. We have to know our spouse. We have to know their needs. We have to figure out what their love language is, what speaks to them, and we have to speak to them from their perspective, not our perspective. My blessing to you is that you understand the needs of your spouse, you start living with it, and when you start to do that, you'll have a passionate, loving relationship. Thank you very much for listening to the Living in Clarity podcast. I'll see you next time.